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Discussion Starter #1
Please excuse me if this was asked/answered before.

I would like for people to post examples of "heavy lifting".

I understand the concept but would like specific examples if it's not too much trouble.

Thank you.

PS... I am a BW
 

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for example

1. My WH confessed to his family
2. He quit a job he loved to get NC
3. He went to IC
4. He has done alot of reading both about affairs and self improvement
5. He has (for the most part) become open to conversation about the A though it is very difficult to give those answers. It is more difficult to receive those answers.
6. He has given up ALL privacy (with obvious exceptions). NO private passwords, emails or friendships. He is wHere he says he is at all times, when he says he will be there.
7. He has to deal with my triggers as well as his own.

those are just a few
 

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Please excuse me if this was asked/answered before.

I would like for people to post examples of "heavy lifting".

I understand the concept but would like specific examples if it's not too much trouble.

Thank you.

PS... I am a BW
The sad fact is that there are no foolproof signs of heavy lifting and sadly a faithful spouse can become lulled into a false sense of security when the spouse shows all the signs of heavy lifting advised by a counselor. Some strayers learn how to stray by talking to a counselor or reading about how others got caught.

A straying spouse can do all the right things simply to throw the faithful half off the scent of the straying. That is what I did. It is really easy to find non traceable ways to stay in touch with a lover, if a person is determined to do so.
 

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The sad fact is that there are no foolproof signs of heavy lifting and sadly a faithful spouse can become lulled into a false sense of security when the spouse shows all the signs of heavy lifting advised by a counselor. Some strayers learn how to stray by talking to a counselor or reading about how others got caught.

A straying spouse can do all the right things simply to throw the faithful half off the scent of the straying. That is what I did. It is really easy to find non traceable ways to stay in touch with a lover, if a person is determined to do so.
I dont think that was the question at all. I think the question is what should he be doing. Not is it proof of anything. Strayer, we all understand that there Is NO proof of fidelity from a cheater ever again.
 

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Maam:

Please do not respond to my posts. It seems you are following me from thread to thread commenting on my comments in a way that consistently attempts to negate them. Please stop.
The poster asked for specific examples and the fact that there are no really specific examples is an important point.
Youre saying there are NO examples of heavy lifting??? Is that what you are saying? and Im not following you around sir, Ive been here a hell of a lot longer than you. If you look in the other thread that you posted on without having read it, obviously, you will see that.

and if you dont like my responses you are free to hit your ignore button.


OP- care to share your story?
 

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Some examples are...

Tranparency
Open to talking about the A with getting defensive
Answers questions without trouble
Remorseful..sorry
willing to do and does IC and MC
Deals with your triggers in a compassionate and understanding way
One I like that my wife does, is she asks me many times throughout the day "how are you doing?" she will probe to see if I need to talk.
 

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Some examples are...

Tranparency
Open to talking about the A with getting defensive
Answers questions without trouble
Remorseful..sorry
willing to do and does IC and MC
Deals with your triggers in a compassionate and understanding way
One I like that my wife does, is she asks me many times throughout the day "how are you doing?" she will probe to see if I need to talk.

The one issue my spouse balks on is independent counseling.....he would prefer joint where I want to him to go to individual. *sigh*---
 

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Please excuse me if this was asked/answered before.

I would like for people to post examples of "heavy lifting".

I understand the concept but would like specific examples if it's not too much trouble.

Thank you.

PS... I am a BW
In my opinion, the best example of a remorseful spouse doing heavy lifting is a person who acts the part rather than speaks the part.

Actions speak mega volumes, and words mean nothing.

Call him unexpectedly at lunch time. Put a tracker on his phone and car to ensure as much as possible that he is where he says. If in doubt, drop into his office unexpectedly. If he's out late do the same. Sadly it's a horrible way to live, I know, but words alone do not mean much. It's their actions and behaviors.

Maybe that is what heavy lifting means. It means physical acts rather than easy verbal acts.
 

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Along the lines of 'actions not words'--have sex and enjoy it.

As a BW, you may or may not be able to relate, but I'm frankly so sad to read how many people go through reconciliation, and particular where betrayed husbands are concerned--their wives were willing to give it up, sometimes with multiple men, and then they become (sorry for the strong perjorative language) frigid prudes around their loyal husbands who they supposedly want to win back.

I'm a woman and of course this can go both ways--that is something my husband and I had to work on as we reconciled (he betrayed me, albeit emotionally). I had expected him to want to have sex, and lots of it, once we were healing, but that turned out not to be the case, and boy was it painful (things are getting better).

Men really feel love through sex, it is something a lot of women need to learn. Of course, there is the issue of sex causing triggers for the husband, if his wife was physically unfaithful. But obviously having less sex is not the answer, and will ultimately cause any efforts at reconciliation to tank.
 

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Along the lines of 'actions not words'--have sex and enjoy it.

As a BW, you may or may not be able to relate, but I'm frankly so sad to read how many people go through reconciliation, and particular where betrayed husbands are concerned--their wives were willing to give it up, sometimes with multiple men, and then they become (sorry for the strong perjorative language) frigid prudes around their loyal husbands who they supposedly want to win back.

I'm a woman and of course this can go both ways--that is something my husband and I had to work on as we reconciled (he betrayed me, albeit emotionally). I had expected him to want to have sex, and lots of it, once we were healing, but that turned out not to be the case, and boy was it painful (things are getting better).

Men really feel love through sex, it is something a lot of women need to learn. Of course, there is the issue of sex causing triggers for the husband, if his wife was physically unfaithful. But obviously having less sex is not the answer, and will ultimately cause any efforts at reconciliation to tank.
Great message in every way. It is likely normal to avoid sex initially for various reasons like guilt, fear you will be repulsed by him, etc. in your husbands case perhaps, I heart, but if that goes on too long it needs to change for obvious reasons.
 

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In my opinion, the best example of a remorseful spouse doing heavy lifting is a person who acts the part rather than speaks the part.

Actions speak mega volumes, and words mean nothing.

Call him unexpectedly at lunch time. Put a tracker on his phone and car to ensure as much as possible that he is where he says. If in doubt, drop into his office unexpectedly. If he's out late do the same. Sadly it's a horrible way to live, I know, but words alone do not mean much. It's their actions and behaviors.

Maybe that is what heavy lifting means. It means physical acts rather than easy verbal acts.
agree a million times with this.

Remember, cheaters are liars. Words mean nothing after an affair. Look at actions. If they really mean what they "say", they will do it without much fuss, complaining, whining or defensiveness. Whether that's IC, no contact, or divulging any and all details the BS needs to move on.

If anything during R is met with resistance from the WS, beware of a false R. True remorse doesn't have resistance towards helping the BS completely heal.
 

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If anything during R is met with resistance from the WS, beware of a false R. True remorse doesn't have resistance towards helping the BS completely heal.[/QUOTE]


How do you know if it's resistance because of false recovery (still in affair on some level)or just because they don't want to do the hard work? Or face their shame?
 

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How do you know if it's resistance because of false recovery (still in affair on some level)or just because they don't want to do the hard work? Or face their shame?
You don't. But read many of the truly remorseful WS on this site. They don't resist anything that is needed to help the BS heal.

Any of those reasons will lead to false R. It may take years, but if the WS doesn't want to face themselves, or do the hard work, you can't expect the marriage to survive. False R isn't just continuing the affair...
 

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You don't. But read many of the truly remorseful WS on this site. They don't resist anything that is needed to help the BS heal.

Any of those reasons will lead to false R. It may take years, but if the WS doesn't want to face themselves, or do the hard work, you can't expect the marriage to survive. False R isn't just continuing the affair...
Yep, what vbride said.

Any resistance shows a stubborn streak and stubborness is often born of a lack of remorse or perhaps a feeling of victimhood or enititlement or some other affair inciting issue, on the part of the straying spouse. The strayers own guilt or shame should not prevent the strayer from doing the things Vbride mentioned.
 

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If a WS is doing the 'heavy lifting', everything they do will prove it. Like someone said, it's what they DO, not what they say, but it's also about HOW they do it. For example, my husband got rid of the couch he got the blow job on. Not after I insisted, but after I just told him I couldn't be in the same room as it. He immediately put it up for sale for cheap so it would go fast, he did not make one peep of protest, and he has never brought it up again.

Other examples:
- he is very engaged in MC
- he is very engaged in our weekly 'marriage workshop' nights
- he answers every one of my questions willingly - I don't have to pry answers out
- he is sincerely and repeatedly apologetic
- he voluntarily gives up things that trigger me
- he actively helps me when I do trigger
 

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If a WS is doing the 'heavy lifting', everything they do will prove it. Like someone said, it's what they DO, not what they say, but it's also about HOW they do it. For example, my husband got rid of the couch he got the blow job on. Not after I insisted, but after I just told him I couldn't be in the same room as it. He immediately put it up for sale for cheap so it would go fast, he did not make one peep of protest, and he has never brought it up again.

Other examples:
- he is very engaged in MC
- he is very engaged in our weekly 'marriage workshop' nights
- he answers every one of my questions willingly - I don't have to pry answers out
- he is sincerely and repeatedly apologetic
- he voluntarily gives up things that trigger me
- he actively helps me when I do trigger
Yeah. Thats true. My H threw away a bunch of shirts b/c they had her college logo/name on them w/o my asking him to do so. He pitched the ring we bought during his A because everytime I saw it all I could think about was "you were in the middle of an A and bought a new wedding ring????" so he threw it away. Straight to the trash. Put the old one back on.
 

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If a WS is doing the 'heavy lifting', everything they do will prove it. Like someone said, it's what they DO, not what they say, but it's also about HOW they do it. For example, my husband got rid of the couch he got the blow job on. Not after I insisted, but after I just told him I couldn't be in the same room as it. He immediately put it up for sale for cheap so it would go fast, he did not make one peep of protest, and he has never brought it up again.

Other examples:
- he is very engaged in MC
- he is very engaged in our weekly 'marriage workshop' nights
- he answers every one of my questions willingly - I don't have to pry answers out
- he is sincerely and repeatedly apologetic
- he voluntarily gives up things that trigger me
- he actively helps me when I do trigger
GREAT EXAMPLES!!!!

You barely had to nudge him...just mention it made you uncomfortable and BOOM! He does what he should. Doesn't say anything, just does and with no resistance what so ever.

In my false R I had to beg him to get rid of items she bought him. BEG. He never did. I just threw them out one day...and he was mad about it....
 

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Depressing for me because of the realization that I'm doomed. My spouse only wants to do joint counseling now--says he doesn't need to work on himself- only the marriage. In fact he turned it around and said.."you're saying I'm broken and not good enough for you, I'll never live up to your expectations and what if you don't like me after I do all this personal growth?" He sees no point in working on himself.
 

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Depressing for me because of the realization that I'm doomed. My spouse only wants to do joint counseling now--says he doesn't need to work on himself- only the marriage. In fact he turned it around and said.."you're saying I'm broken and not good enough for you, I'll never live up to your expectations and what if you don't like me after I do all this personal growth?" He sees no point in working on himself.
Well, heres an idea- take him up on that MC. OFten times the MC will recommend IC for one or both....Then see what he says when an expert recommends it.
 
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