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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I hope this is the right thread to post my story. My ex wife and I have been divorced for more than 3 years now. Last night, I received a call from a mutual friend who informed me that my ex wife is critically ill in ICU for the past few days.

The thing is that I have not contacted her ever since we got divorced. We do not communicate at all. My friend just thought that I should know. Now, I am caught in a dilemma as to whether I should visit my ex or not. I have gone NC with her for so long and now to show up all of a sudden, it may complicate matters. Furthermore, I lived about 8 hours from her. Ever since we broke up, I have detached myself from her and moved out from the town that we used to live in.

Just a short background on our relationship:

We were married for about 8 years. We didn’t have any children, so that makes the divorce easier. We were both career minded people and the divorce was not financially difficult for both of us. We just split up everything equally and move on with our own life.

My wife had an EA with a co-worker. Even when she was having an EA, I did not suspect anything as we were getting along just fine. We still had our weekly romantic dinners, we went to the movies and the lovemaking then was simply incredible. However, knowing my wife, she has always been honest with me about everything. One day, she sat me down and told me about her EA. She told me that she was falling for her co-worker (OM) and they have not done anything physical yet. She did not intend to go any further in the relationship with the OM until she gets a divorce from me. That was the first time she mentioned the D word. I was devastated. I asked her what I have done wrong as her husband. She actually consoled me and said I have done nothing wrong. It was her who had wronged me. She said she just couldn’t help falling in love with the OM. I suggested MC for us but she told me that was no point as she didn’t want to remain married and didn’t want to hurt me any further.

From then on, I knew she had made up her mind and I decided to detach myself from her. Like I said, she has always been honest and good to me. To the very last day when I saw her, she gave me a long and affectionate hug. She was tearful and so was I. We said our goodbyes and we left amicably after that.

It has been 3 years now and suddenly I get this sort of phone call. I am still torn as to whether I should go to visit her or not. To be honest, I am not too keen to see my ex-in laws or even the OM (or possibly her husband now). Anyone in TAM has gone through this before? Any advice given would be greatly appreciated.
 

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I differ.

You were married for 8 years. She had a decent exit from the marriage. You know she was honest with you. She told you that she fell in love with her coworker and nothing physical happened while she was in marriage with you.

I see nothing wrong in you seeing her. Wish her good health and be warm to her. Visit.

You will be a different person to her now. And she will be a different person to you by now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You see, the thing is that if I go, the situation might be rather awkward and I may feel emotionally hurt seeing her again. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. From what my friend told me, she is unconscious and has been that way for the last few days. So, sending her a card is not really the answer.

I guess I just have to make a decision sooner or later. Furthermore, I have just started going out with this lady about a month ago and I have not told her yet. We are still in the dating stage, so things might get a bit complicated with this turn of the event.
 

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You see, the thing is that if I go, the situation might be rather awkward and I may feel emotionally hurt seeing her again. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. From what my friend told me, she is unconscious and has been that way for the last few days. So, sending her a card is not really the answer.

I guess I just have to make a decision sooner or later. Furthermore, I have just started going out with this lady about a month ago and I have not told her yet. We are still in the dating stage, so things might get a bit complicated with this turn of the event.
You are visiting a dying ex. Nothing wrong with it
 

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You see, the thing is that if I go, the situation might be rather awkward and I may feel emotionally hurt seeing her again. If I don't go, I might regret it for the rest of my life. From what my friend told me, she is unconscious and has been that way for the last few days. So, sending her a card is not really the answer.

I guess I just have to make a decision sooner or later. Furthermore, I have just started going out with this lady about a month ago and I have not told her yet. We are still in the dating stage, so things might get a bit complicated with this turn of the event.
You wont get emotionally hurt now, after 3 years of divorce. Wont you visit a friend of yours who is terminally ill?

In any case, you should inform your lady about your earlier marriage, is it not?

What is the issue in visiting her?
 

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This is actually difficult, while the other posters gave sound advice I personally think you should visit.

Bar the EA she was a good and honest woman whom you shared 8 years with. It sounds like you've moved on emotionally and seeing as your main concern is her relatives not specifically reigniting any old feelings, it wouldn't hurt if you visited, it's just an affable thing to do.

But that's just my personal opinion and I don't feel too strongly eitherway.
 

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Your split was amicable and even though it hurt you both, she did right by you in telling you up front about her intentions rather than having a full on affair and lying to you about it all. That in mind, I don't think it would be harmful for you to see her. If she is critically ill and possibly dying, then I think it'd be good for you to see her and wish her well because it might give both of you a sense of closure.
 

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You wont get emotionally hurt now, after 3 years of divorce. Wont you visit a friend of yours who is terminally ill?

In any case, you should inform your lady about your earlier marriage, is it not?

What is the issue in visiting her?
I happen to be a sentimental SOB, and I'm inclined to agree. However, OP went NC on her, and hasn't been in touch with her for years. She is not his friend.

I would understand if she sent him a Christmas card, or wished him a happy birthday every year. If she has made no effort to be friendly, I don't see why OP should start now. He will only be picking at an old scab.
 

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I happen to be a sentimental SOB, and I'm inclined to agree. However, OP went NC on her, and hasn't been in touch with her for years. She is not his friend.

I would understand if she sent him a Christmas card, or wished him a happy birthday every year. If she has made no effort to be friendly, I don't see why OP should start now. He will only be picking at an old scab.
That will be "if you do, I do" type. Why shouldn't we come out of this?
OP is not starting anything new. In fact, he is concluding....
 
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