Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, with 4 adult children between us. We are older, 50s & 60's and childrens ages are between 30-40. We have no children together. I realize that we will interact with our exes from time to time, with Lifes milestone events, but not sure where to draw the line. Long story short, my husband and I are building a newer home on a very large piece of land, with most of our adult children planning to build on the same property. I found out yesterday that some of our Grandchildrens graduation pictures were taken of on the front porch, and on the grounds of our new home. I saw several of the pics, and who was in one of them? Husbands ex wife :confused: I feel this is REALLY dis-respectful towards me, but Husband says we all need to "blend" together??? I am not fond of his ex-wife at all, but I do tolerate her for childrens birthdays, etc. I am really confused on who I need to address this issue with. I know my Husband doesn't want to "make any waves" with these "grown adults". Since he doesn't think its a big deal, I'm not sure if I need to address this myself with his son, who Im sure invited his Mother, or talk with ex myself, and suggest that she try to find a bit of class, and refrain from coming onto my personal property?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
911 Posts
Hi Flowerlady,

I don't understand all of your post.

Was the picture taken on your front porch? Or have the kids built their home, and it was taken on their front porch?

If his kids have a good relationship with their mom, I think you should expect for her to visit them at their house. She will likely be there on holidays, big events, for baby-sitting, etc.

If this is going to bother you- and I can completely understand how it would!!- I think you and the family need to have a discussion ASAP! The current plan might not be the best fit for you and the kids.

If the pics were taken on your front porch- that's pretty hard. It sounds like you weren't there, or else seeing the Ex in the pictures wouldn't have been a surprise for you. Was your DH there? Did he give the OK without you knowing?

Without more information, I think it would be a jump to go directly to the Ex. I think most ex's would not just make herself comfortable by going onto the other ex's property, unless invited. Of course, there are some whacked out people, she might be one of them! But my guess is someone invited her.
 
  • Like
Reactions: *LittleDeer*

·
Registered
Joined
·
164 Posts
I'm just getting into this issue. My divorce is recent, I have shared custody and my house was our house. It's strange how things evolve. She left me but I didn't want to simply blow her off for the rest of my life. It's so much easier and cheaper if we can tolerate each other for things like birthdays or graduations. I don't feel we should limit our conversations to the kids in view if a chaperone or whatever. I want a friendly relationship even though I don't trust her anymore and know we will never get back together.

My new girlfriend feels differently.

How do I balance moving on with the reality that I am going to have this woman around for decades to come? I don't want to act spitefully to this woman I have already forgiven her and recognize that she needs to be okay for my kids to be okay. Her AP was a criminal and loser and their illicit relationship ( though now over) effectively destroyed all her support network. Yeah it's her responsibility to rebuild but those are my kids at her place. Honestly I'm better off without her and the difference is night and day between her and my new girlfriend.

I am struggling with what I feel is best and what my girlfriend feels is just.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Hi Flowerlady,

I don't understand all of your post.

Was the picture taken on your front porch? Or have the kids built their home, and it was taken on their front porch?

If his kids have a good relationship with their mom, I think you should expect for her to visit them at their house. She will likely be there on holidays, big events, for baby-sitting, etc.

If this is going to bother you- and I can completely understand how it would!!- I think you and the family need to have a discussion ASAP! The current plan might not be the best fit for you and the kids.

If the pics were taken on your front porch- that's pretty hard. It sounds like you weren't there, or else seeing the Ex in the pictures wouldn't have been a surprise for you. Was your DH there? Did he give the OK without you knowing?

Without more information, I think it would be a jump to go directly to the Ex. I think most ex's would not just make herself comfortable by going onto the other ex's property, unless invited. Of course, there are some whacked out people, she might be one of them! But my guess is someone invited her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
The pictures were taken on the porch of a home that My Husband and I are building. It is a very rustic setting, and really pretty for picture taking. There are several motorcycle riding trails that all our family enjoy that are located on this VERY large piece of property that My Husband and I own. My step children are in their 30's, and have a very good relationship with their Mother. My Husband was not there, says he knows nothing about it either. We all tolerate each other, simply because of our children & Grandchildren. I think the Ex and the GROWN children have gotten a little too slack in respecting my feelings. I don't think the children would bring her, invite her, etc. to the home that their father and I share now, I don't see our other property being any different. A couple of the children have pretty landscapes at their own home for picture taking... seems that nobody in this family sees it as a problem but me. I feel very strongly that it needs to be addressed :confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,577 Posts
I would take your stepson aside and let him know that you felt a bit violated to think that his mom was visiting the home you are building, without your inviting her. Just ask him to respect your need for privacy in your own home. That should be enough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
My Husband asked the Son about the situation: I'm not sure what happened, but he refuses to tell me what the outcome was. It definitely was not good considering the way he answered me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,291 Posts
It seems like an over reaction. Why bother getting upset over a photo? You will be the one that ends up looking foolish and possibly it will put a wedge between you all.

Life is short, don't sweat the small stuff.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Oh I don't think this is small stuff at all! It is disrespectful of the mother to be walking around on your property without your invitation. My opinion may be tainted though, as I have often observed this type of behavior in my husbands ex. She seems to believe she can go where her child can go. A boundary issue for sure and when I set an end to it, I got the old "grow up!". Was the last time she set foot in our family home though!
My husband is also the "don't make waves" kind. It leaves him and me walked all over at times. After a few years of it I had lost all respect for him and the way he continuously put everyone else's happiness ahead of mine (things are different now). Figure out what you absolutely will not compromise on, make your boundaries clear to your husband and kids/steps and stick to them. As a first offense, take this as a learning opportunity for all.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,577 Posts
My Husband asked the Son about the situation: I'm not sure what happened, but he refuses to tell me what the outcome was. It definitely was not good considering the way he answered me.
Too bad so sad. They now know your feelings - to which you have every right. If it happens again, you need a consequence in place.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
I can't figure out why this upsets you so much.

Definitely not the hill I'd be willing to die on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,577 Posts
Probably depends on how much influence xw has on her husband, or how much she's ingratiated herself into their lives in the past. If she's been invisible, I'd agree. If she has a habit of inviting herself, I'd have a problem, too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
911 Posts
FL, I can certainly understand why you feel upset- I imagine it was pretty shocking to see a pic of the ExW at your doorstep in the photo!

Since the kids are going to be living on the same property, I think it is important that you draw your boundaries early on. Since it is a large property, hopefully the homes aren't in view of each other, so that you aren't "treated"" to seeing the ExW every time she visits the kids.

Mostly though, I hope you and your DH can have a good sit-down and come to an agreement about this. I don't think it should be a big deal for the DH to be able to tell his son, "Hey, we need a heads up before you bring your mom to our house" or "We are so glad you will be living nearby! But, we are not comfortable with having your Mom at our house without our knowledge or invite." Those are pretty reasonable requests. So if the conversation between the son and Dad didn't go well, I worry that it was presented in a "FL vs Dad/Kids/ExW [original family unit]" way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
.... I worry that it was presented in a "FL vs Dad/Kids/ExW [original family unit]" way.
Is there any other way to present it?

That is ultimately what it is isn't it?

No way around that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
164 Posts
Is there any other way to present it?

That is ultimately what it is isn't it?

No way around that.
I think I agree with you on this. I don't know what the conflict is between FL and the ex but is there any more complete way to create unhealthy barriers between yourself and your husband's children than attacking their mother? As was said earlier, you mean you would have to construct what is essentially a family neighborhood so you don't accidentally see the ex wife? Is she some kind of Medusa? What is preventing you from building a workable relationship with her? You are the one with her husband, in the house, on the property. You already won, why keep fighting?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
164 Posts
Which is why I suggested she have a talk with the son and say it gently.
And again that is poor conflict resolution. Her problem is apparently with the ex. If the kids are building homes next door, the ex will be around a lot more. Time to resolve that issue and not use the kids to do it.
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top