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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
had an ex gf reach out to me saying she's depressed...

We were together for like a 1.5 years. Dumped her because I was bending over backwards for her, but she'd call me out on mistakes or perceived slights and insinuate I didn't care about her despite everything I was doing for relationship. Meanwhile she wasn't putting in any work into the relationship herself. When we were together she even had a fling with one of her exes who was in a horrible drug-addicted state. claims she was trying to support him recover and things got over-emotional...I think she may have some kind of NPD tbh, but fwiw there's a lot of hysteria about that term online, so I think it might not be such a helpful label.

what I know for sure:

she handles stress horribly, and so when we were together it was usually up to me to fix problems she was getting herself into.

She seems to jump from one long term boyfriend to another since she was 14(we're 27 btw) and I think this is because she was severely neglected by her family, so she turns to boyfriends to take care of her. So the dynamic of our relationship feels like I'm taking care of a child.

last I spoke to her was nine months ago, we were trying to be friends, but it didn't work. I sent one message in that nine month span of NC two months ago telling her I'm sorry for my own part in our break up, my poor communication caused by my own depression(I know it sounds bad, I shouldn't apologize for being depressed, but in the moment of writing that I was having a revelation about my own limitation; before getting psychiatric treatment), but maintained that I've been improving and have been feeling good in solitude. No response until over a week ago where she said she's glad I'm better, but she's become depressed. No details and pretty straight forward.

I've been doing pretty well, focusing on my own hobbies and well-being. I neglected myself when I was with her.
I do miss her affection and physically she was ideal to me, and it's always nice to go OUT with her, but idk that I can look past all the other stuff. I'd be willing to work towards a better relationship with her, if she was willing to take a hard look at herself, but I'm not getting any indication in the brief "I'm depressed" response that she's self-reflected, or maybe the depression is an indicator...It just seems kinda baiting to me.

The situation I'm in: abandon her or jump back in and risk falling back into the same cycle of care-taking.
Is there a third way. I feel like I was go into our late 20's, especially for her, there's some pressure to settled down.
 

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Abandon.

She has shown you who she is. It will happen again.

Her reaching out is her looking for you to rescue her. As soon as she feels safe, the old behavior will return.

The beauty is that you get to choose whether it happens to you or some other poor schlub who thinks she loves him.
 

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The "I'm depressed" is bait she's throwing out. She wants you to engage and feel sorry for her. Your not abandoning anything, the relationship is over. Leave it in the past.
 

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Leave this one in the rear view mirror.

You can randomly randomly pick a better lady than her. No regrets.

Tell you what. Before you commit, try dating 2 or 3 ladies at the same time (as if girls never do that). It's fun!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
What do you want to do?
I've been living pretty peacefully, I enjoy it. The only thing I'd change is incorporate my good moments with this girl into my current existence. idk if that's shallow. Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting to the flaws I perceive. I once told her I felt I had been taken for granted by her, and she couldn't comprehend why I would feel that way. Maybe she was playing dumb or maybe it was sincere. It didn't help that I couldn't elaborate on my claim, due to my own horrible communication skills at that time. She couldn't do much to remedy the situation unless I got more specific, but having to spell things out like that whenever we had conflict was frustrating. On the rare occasion that I'd speak up more, she'd have excuses or treat me like I'm overreacting.
Abandon.

She has shown you who she is. It will happen again.

Her reaching out is her looking for you to rescue her. As soon as she feels safe, the old behavior will return.

The beauty is that you get to choose whether it happens to you or some other poor schlub who thinks she loves him.
I hope so. I really did like her. For whatever reason she has trust issues stemming from her previous relationships. I know the previous guy she was with for 5 yrs ended up like I did, really drained, but he ditched her immediately for another girl which burned my ex a bit. All the others cheated on her at one point or another. I didn't leave her for anyone other than myself.

The "I'm depressed" is bait she's throwing out. She wants you to engage and feel sorry for her. Your not abandoning anything, the relationship is over. Leave it in the past.
This was my immediate response upon reading the message. I started thinking more about it though and she really doesn't have much support. If she really is depressed than maybe my non-response steer her to a more long term healing rather than my babying her.

Tell you what. Before you commit, try dating 2 or 3 ladies at the same time (as if girls never do that). It's fun!
Funny thing is, I was already talking and trying to arrange a meet with a new girl maybe a week before I got my ex's message. The message kinda stalled those efforts. I think my ex may have seen I was active on my dating site profile(where I met my ex) and maybe that prompted her to reach out.
 

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My wife is like this, too. Very emotionally unstable and I often felt like I was taking care of a daughter rather than having a marriage with an adult woman.

Rather than NPD, it may be BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). There are a couple of threads in this forum you might find useful.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/387050-can-we-have-official-bpd-thread.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/387170-official-bpd-thread.html

But if I were you, I would not get back with her. Consider it a bullet dodged and move on.
 

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I've been living pretty peacefully, I enjoy it. The only thing I'd change is incorporate my good moments with this girl into my current existence. idk if that's shallow.
I wouldn't call it "shallow" but I would say it's unrealistic. There are millions of people in this country. Go find one without all the baggage/issues. Sure, relationships can look downright decent in hindsight, particularly when we are feeling in need of companionship. Trust me on this. I was married to a hardcore alcoholic. Underneath the addiction was a decent human being. There are times I miss that decent guy. But I'm not going to romance what was by trying to rewrite history. And to be perfectly honest, you can't rescue her from herself. She can get therapy, medication (if needed), support, whatever.

You can be sorry she's depressed. Suggest she seek help. Suggest she call her bff. But don't revisit what you have already left behind.

SERIOUSLY.

P.S. - And living peacefully is worth its weight in gold. I live alone with a senior-citizen cat. Sure, I get lonely now and then. But to live drama-free and not have to put up with someone else's issues? Priceless.
 

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She's your ex. Her problems have nothing to do with you. Tell her you're sorry she's depressed and suggest she seek professional help. If money is an issue, tell her she can Google "mental health help <her area>" or check with her Dept. of Health and Human Services to get referrals to free or sliding scale help. Then wish her well and move on.

"An ex is an ex for a reason."

"Having sex with an ex is like taking a shower and putting on dirty underwear."

Remember those 2 things and you'll be fine.
 

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Leave this one in the rear view mirror.

You can randomly randomly pick a better lady than her. No regrets.

Tell you what. Before you commit, try dating 2 or 3 ladies at the same time (as if girls never do that). It's fun!
Its cruel.
 

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if she is depressed then suggest she gets medical help and advise. She presumably has female friends she can go to?
I think it would be very unwise to be back in touch with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
My wife is like this, too. Very emotionally unstable and I often felt like I was taking care of a daughter rather than having a marriage with an adult woman.

Rather than NPD, it may be BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). There are a couple of threads in this forum you might find useful.

But if I were you, I would not get back with her. Consider it a bullet dodged and move on.
Ah interesting. I've read a bit about BPD too, initially thought that was the problem, but my ex seemed too high-functioning and lacked the suicidal/self harming tendencies you see in BPD(although she did end up in a psychward of some kind for anorexia when she was younger). That's why I deferred more towards NPD, but even with NPD the more manipulative stuff...I didn't really see that from her beyond some emotional blackmail stemming from trust/abandonment issues. however A lot of the other NPD traits were apt, but then so are some of the BPD traits. thanks.


She's your ex. Her problems have nothing to do with you. Tell her you're sorry she's depressed and suggest she seek professional help. If money is an issue, tell her she can Google "mental health help <her area>" or check with her Dept. of Health and Human Services to get referrals to free or sliding scale help. Then wish her well and move on.

"An ex is an ex for a reason."

"Having sex with an ex is like taking a shower and putting on dirty underwear."

Remember those 2 things and you'll be fine.
Perhaps, I worry that even initiating contact again will suck me back in. She makes it harder because she's suspicious of professional medicine iirc. Was really into self-help, new-agey stuff. Put a lot of stock in that stuff, but in all honesty, I feel like she's neglecting herself with that treatment.
You don't know that for sure. The OP reached out first, so the same can be said from her end if someone looks at it from the outside.
Yeah I don't think I'd be putting so much energy thinking about this situation if it wasn't a response to my own stupid message. I gave it about a month after my message, no response, I decided to start talking to other people and focusing on myself more. Another month goes by and there's a message from her. It's not what I wanted to hear, and I knew there was that chance. Idk I didn't ask her to reach out explicitly. My msg to her was just me owning up to my shortcomings in the relationship. I did say I miss her, but also followed up with "I have been finding a lot of peeeeeace in solitude." and I did credit our time together as the cause for me getting back on track in life. I was just being honest, albeit it might not have been the right time to do it. Her response to me "I'm depressed, its been hard" could be honest too, but that's all she wrote. I feel like my message gave her room to not have to follow up, I literally wrote "you don't have to respond to this." I know I shouldn't be surprised to get a response. it just feels like her message implies "if you care you'll respond" and It's kinda illustrative of how our relationship has always been. I would want something different with her. Maybe the ex is an ex sentiment is best to follow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
if she is depressed then suggest she gets medical help and advise. She presumably has female friends she can go to?
I think it would be very unwise to be back in touch with her.
Yeah she has some, from what I can tell she inevitably pisses them off, or they piss her off. most the time they reconcile, but I feel like her friends are even more aimless than her.
 

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Yeah she has some, from what I can tell she inevitably pisses them off, or they piss her off. most the time they reconcile, but I feel like her friends are even more aimless than her.
She is the only one who can make changes in her life and seek the help she needs. How about you suggest she gets medical help or counselling?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
She is the only one who can make changes in her life and seek the help she needs. How about you suggest she gets medical help or counselling?
it's been crossing my mind. I should sleep on it though. I was losing my identity when we were together. She had some placeholder issue, constantly asked if I really loved her, if I'd stay with her even if I come across someone "better", and it's draining to hear that from the person you sacrifice everything for. It just pushed me to do more and more for her to make her stop thinking that way. I called her out on this habit once and she apologized, admitted it's not fair to me, but it's an issue she has and she just needs to hear me reassure her. I tried to carry on, but I was losing myself in this dynamic. It wouldn't have gotten to that point if I didn't sincerely think she was great. If I'm going to be out somewhere with someone it feels good when it's her. I tried to make an effort to travel to some different cities after we broke up, and in the back of my head was "she'd be a fun travel buddy" but the risk of falling back into the bad stuff is such a distressing thought. I'm leaning towards letting this one go, seems like there are still too many feelings. Maybe I'm exaggerating or being unfair to her, given that I started this whole kerfuffle, but recounting everything and getting some outside input is sobering.
 
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