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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi! I'm new to this forum, I came across it on Google while I was looking for advice on what to do in my situation.

My background: 27, female, F/T job, full custody of my 2 boys, aged 4 & 5. Separated since July 2010, divorced since Aug 2011. I've been dating a guy NOT seriously since about Dec 2010, and we are still NOT serious but he is a companion & friend, and we enjoy our dates & weekends away together.

Ex: 37 years old, spent time in jail during our divorce for physically assaulting me while drunk. He no longer has a drinking problem and has gone through over a year of counseling and rehab. He has been employed again for almost a year at a decent albeit low-paying sales job (being on probation I don't know that he can do much better right now). He was making 6 figures while we were married but chose not to work from Jul 2010 (when I filed for divorce) until last April- the divorce finalized while he was in jail so I was awarded next to nothing for child support for 2 kids. I'm paying for daycare for 2 children on a decent but not extremely high salary, not to mention a house (modest 3-bed in suburbs) and a car (5 year old used car) and food, clothing, etc for the boys- you know, the usual.

So, since the divorce I've gone through 2 roommate situations (letting someone rent a room from me and having the boys room together) that didn't work out. One partied until all hours and I asked her to leave. The other lost her job and couldn't pay rent, so after a month of that I asked her to leave. I have no desire to have a roommate again, however I have been looking for the financial aspects of it- BUT I have a small house and someone would be sleeping in the room next to my kids and sharing a bathroom with them- this is a tough situation and most of the people that are interested are desperate or have serious issues, and I don't want to go down those roads again.

My ex-husband has been living with friends and when he sees the boys, it had to be supervised up until the last few months. We go to church together, attend kids events together, etc, and have him stay with the kids while I'm out and about at various times. Since he was living with friends it was easiest for him to come to my place since I don't want my kids around people I don't know. He is well aware that sometimes when I go out and stay the night somewhere it is with the guy I've been seeing somewhat casually for a couple of years now.

The friend living situation didn't work out for my ex-husband, so he asked if he could stay with me for a little while. He isn't making much money and can't afford to live on his own, so I said yes- until you save some money, etc. It works fine as the kids see both of us, we share responsibilities around the house, and both of us have a built-in sitter, if you will. He sleeps on the couch, btw. As I'm getting barely any child support, it is very helpful having him around to help with groceries or pay a water bill here and there, so I've gotten pretty used to him being around.

HOWEVER, and thank you for listening up until now :)- When I go out with my guy I'm seeing, ex will be in a downright foul mood and start insulting me and calling me a *****, ****, etc and just be moody and nasty to me for a day or 2 afterwards. That in turn makes it easier to just stay in and make the best of dealing with him living there, however I can see what he's trying to do- distance me from my guy friend and then act like "the perfect (ex) husband. The kicker is that my ex has made all the changes I asked him to prior to us getting divorced, and he very much wants to get back together. I've moved on and have no interest in that. I don't want him living with me forever but if I kick him out, he will be staying with friends again and he will not be able to help me any more financially or with the kids.

I know a couple of things- 1) I'm enabling him 2) His lack of resources is not my problem

But- what the heck do I do to get myself out of this situation? I mean, if I lose his financial help things are going to be hard, and I don't mean cutting back- we live on bare minimum, the kids wear Goodwill clothes and hand-me-downs, I buy store-brand food and I don't have cable. Also worried that he won't spend time with the kids anymore to get back at me for kicking him out of my house.

Advice? Suggestions? I'm a big girl and I can handle the truth, lol.

Help!

-C
 

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Toss that pushy, manipulative loser out of your house! He deliberately stayed unemployed so he could avoid paying decent support to his own offspring. That is a sorry sack of feces. He got drunk and beat his wife badly enough that he went to jail. (Feces sack, again). It's not low enough that his ex pays the majority of support for his kids. He expects her to support his sorry butt, too. To add insult to injury, this lazy, no-account, sorry piece of low-life garbage believes his penis somehow gives him the right to dictate who his ex goes out with. Of all the unmitigated gall. He is no part of a man. If he were boiled down to his essence and CSI were tasked with examining the contents, they would not be able to find trace residue of manhood. I'd toss him out into the street so fast he'd think an MX missile was attached to his backside.
 

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The only thing separated that abusive tightwad from being arrested for vagrancy is his assault victim is kindhearted enough to let him squat in her crib. For her generosity, she gets to hear him cuss her if she dares spend an evening with a real man. Hell will freeze over before someone cusses me in my own house twice.
 

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I don't know single, almost seems to me he just found a way back into your life for his benefit. Now that he sees you are allowing him to live there he is pushing his boundaries with you by starting to get upset about the man you have been dating for years.

I think it would be best for your mental health if he wasn't living with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I think it would be best for your mental health if he wasn't living with you.
Bride, I agree completely- I just stress about him not seeing the kids and how they will handle him being gone, and about how my finances will suffer more than I may be able to handle when I give him the boot. I know I can handle myself and I have been in tough situations before, during and after the divorce- I just don't know how I let myself weasel his way back in.

I'm not able to get a second job, I already work 60 hours a week. And, I'm not willing to let the kids visit him at whomever's house he chooses to crash at- so I guess I'll just have to do what's best for me and get him out, and hope that he mans up and gets his life straight. I can't be his mom forever. Being nice has turned me into a pushover- I was naive in thinking that his manipulative days were over just because the drinking stopped.
 

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unbelievable, don't hold back, lol
Yep, toss him to the kerb.
 

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So yes, toss him out - not healthy for the kids to hear that, either.

If you MUST have the help, what about a student? Do you have a college - even a community college - nearby where you could put up a flier? Set the ground rules like quiet time after 9pm or whenever the kids' bedtime is? They can party it up somewhere else if they must.

Maybe even specifically a medical tech student? The girl across the street from me is going to community college for medical office assistant and I love having her around if I need someone to hang with my 13y/o. You could even make one night of child care a prerequisite so you can get out and go on dates.
 

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Toss that pushy, manipulative loser out of your house! He deliberately stayed unemployed so he could avoid paying decent support to his own offspring. That is a sorry sack of feces. He got drunk and beat his wife badly enough that he went to jail. (Feces sack, again). It's not low enough that his ex pays the majority of support for his kids. He expects her to support his sorry butt, too. To add insult to injury, this lazy, no-account, sorry piece of low-life garbage believes his penis somehow gives him the right to dictate who his ex goes out with. Of all the unmitigated gall. He is no part of a man. If he were boiled down to his essence and CSI were tasked with examining the contents, they would not be able to find trace residue of manhood. I'd toss him out into the street so fast he'd think an MX missile was attached to his backside.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Did I say "I AGREE?"

You gotta be nuts to let your ex back in your house! :slap: Change the locks and toss him out and continue on being independent. This is a MAJOR step backwards for you but easy enough to fix if you do this right now!
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! I appreciate so much the support and you all echoing my feelings. I kicked him out yesterday and did spend the evening with my man on Saturday. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted :) he will still see the kids however it's been made abundantly clear (he may not keep so much as a toothbrush at my house) that my life is not his business unless it pertains directly to the kids.

Again... Thank you all for the support. Y'all gave me the strength to know I was making the right decision.
 

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sounds like you still have feelings for each other or you wouldn't have let him back in. Do you still like him? if so then you need to boot your boyfriend.

If no, then I bet you're scared he'll beat you up if you ask him to move out ... in this case call the sheriff and have him escorted out. Then file a restraining order. You gotta choose. You can't have both guys.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
sounds like you still have feelings for each other or you wouldn't have let him back in. Do you still like him? if so then you need to boot your boyfriend.

If no, then I bet you're scared he'll beat you up if you ask him to move out ... in this case call the sheriff and have him escorted out. Then file a restraining order. You gotta choose. You can't have both guys.
Uncool, as I stated above the abuse issue went away a long time ago, I'm not afraid he'd hurt me- in fact he moved out last night with no issues. I let him move in out of kindness and hope that it would be temporary, he slept on my couch for far too long, and I remedied the situation. All feelings between us were over years ago, at least on my end, however not on his.

It wasn't a matter of seeing 2 guys, I was not having any type of relations with the ex husband, simply letting him crash on my couch but he overstayed his welcome and overinvolved himself in my life.

This girl is no longer being taken advantage of. :)
 
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