[Muddlethru]

Hi. I’m new to this forum and have been struggling with a situation I am hoping you guys can enlighten me with.

I am a mother of 4 older children. I was married for 26 years. We signed the legal separation agreement one day before our 26 anniversary.

Anyway, the signing was a year ago but we don’t plan to file until next year. We wanted to wait until my youngest goes off to college.

Our marital home has two pieces of properties. The main house is where I live and across the street is a cottage where my ex currently lives. So I still see him everyday because he comes by to say hi to my youngest and picks up our dog everyday to take him for a walk.

My ex started dating and is now seeing someone. I believe he started dating her 6 months after the signing of our separation agreement. But I found out, he has introduced his girlfriend to my kids and they have been spending time together. I knew he was seeing someone right away because his car would be gone from his driveway. But I am not sure when he introduced his girlfriend. It became apparent he had introduced his girlfriend and my kids have spent time with her on numerous occasions because my kids were all of a sudden very evasive on where they’ve been on some occasions.

I don’t mind him dating. And although I really didn’t like it that my kids were spending like July 4th, going to dinner and order outings with my ex and his girlfriend, I accepted it and tried not to let it bother me. But lately, he is inviting the friends of my kids, their girlfriends, etc. When they get back the friends look at me kind of uncomfortable and I think they pity me because I am not dating. I am not ready to date, and I am not sure, I want to date at all.

Can I ask my kids not to spend time with the girlfriend until at least after I move out? Once my youngest goes to college, I will move to a different state. I would never stop them from seeing their dad but out of courtesy for me, can I ask them to do that? If so, what is the best way. If not, how should I look at this situation and try to make sense of it in my mind?

 

[Marc878]

Unfortunately you have no control over this situation. You can only control you. Under these situations no contact is key. Your youngest has a year to go before graduating high school?
You have 2 choices: limit contact as much as you can or speed up the timetable and move.
The housing market is strong now and may not be next year anyway.
You aren’t dealing with younger children so…..

 

[Casual Observer]

Why you split up might have some bearing on things. If he had cheated on you, then certainly it’s an awkward situation at the very least, but these kids are basically adults and get to make their own decisions. Don’t trade awkward for resentment.

And do they know of and support your plans to move “out of state”? That’s your choice to do, but if you should have some say over what they’re doing now, do they have input on your own plans?

 

[Diana7]

What happens to the children when you move away? Do they know you are moving away? Are you hoping they will come with you? Does your husband know you are planning this?
It's hard to see why you don't just get the divorce done now being he is already dating.
No you can't really tell them not to see her. It would make things very awkward. Living so near isnt helping of course.

 

[Diana7]

What happens to the children when you move away? Do they know you are moving away? Are you hoping they will come with you?
It's hard to see why you don't just get the divorce done now being he is already dating.
No you can't really tell them not to see her. It would make things very awkward. Living so near isn't helping of course.

 

[Openminded]

Nope. You have a legal separation and are going your own way. Don’t put your children in the middle of this.

 

[bobert]

Hi. I’m new to this forum and have been struggling with a situation I am hoping you guys can enlighten me with.

I am a mother of 4 older children. I was married for 26 years. We signed the legal separation agreement one day before our 26 anniversary.

Anyway, the signing was a year ago but we don’t plan to file until next year. We wanted to wait until my youngest goes off to college.

Our marital home has two pieces of properties. The main house is where I live and across the street is a cottage where my ex currently lives. So I still see him everyday because he comes by to say hi to my youngest and picks up our dog everyday to take him for a walk.

My ex started dating and is now seeing someone. I believe he started dating her 6 months after the signing of our separation agreement. But I found out, he has introduced his girlfriend to my kids and they have been spending time together. I knew he was seeing someone right away because his car would be gone from his driveway. But I am not sure when he introduced his girlfriend. It became apparent he had introduced his girlfriend and my kids have spent time with her on numerous occasions because my kids were all of a sudden very evasive on where they’ve been on some occasions.

I don’t mind him dating. And although I really didn’t like it that my kids were spending like July 4th, going to dinner and order outings with my ex and his girlfriend, I accepted it and tried not to let it bother me. But lately, he is inviting the friends of my kids, their girlfriends, etc. When they get back the friends look at me kind of uncomfortable and I think they pity me because I am not dating. I am not ready to date, and I am not sure, I want to date at all.

Can I ask my kids not to spend time with the girlfriend until at least after I move out? Once my youngest goes to college, I will move to a different state. I would never stop them from seeing their dad but out of courtesy for me, can I ask them to do that? If so, what is the best way. If not, how should I look at this situation and try to make sense of it in my mind?

Can I ask my kids not to spend time with the girlfriend until at least after I move out? Once my youngest goes to college, I will move to a different state. I would never stop them from seeing their dad but out of courtesy for me, can I ask them to do that?

Absolutely not.

You chose to live this way and children should never be put in the middle of a divorce.

 

[Hiner112]

If the youngest is going to college next year then they are all at least late teens. They should be old enough and mature enough to understand that sometimes relationships end and adults date. There's a good chance that they've had relationships of their own. Some of those relationships might have run their course like yours has. 6 months after separation seems soon to me but not egregious.

 

[SunCMars]

Can I ask my kids not to spend time with the girlfriend until at least after I move out?

A little late for that, wouldn't you say?

Right now, they (appear) to pity you.
Those were your words.

Making that request will cement their feelings on this matter.

Right now they pity you.

Asking them not to visit their father's GF (after the fact) will make you look weak, vengeful and pitiful.
It will put the children in an uncomfortable spot.
You will put them in the middle of this current stressful situation.

Hold you head up, things will get better when you make your move.
Let your children see their mother as strong and resilient.

 

[Muddlethru]

Thank you all! I did think it wasn’t my place to put those restrictions on my kids which is why i chose to accept the situation and seem supportive. I am actually supportive of my ex dating and do hope he finds happiness and I’ve told my kids this. I just felt my ex was flaunting it too much and involving as many people as he can and while I don’t feel pitiful, I feel the people he is involving, my kids included, may be put in an awkward situation by feeling they are betraying me perhaps or feel bad for me.

Of course my kids (and ex) know I am moving. I already purchased a house and it is being built. I live in NY and I can’t stand the cold anymore. So moving to a warmer climate. My 3 older kids are in their 20’s and very independent. We are all well travelled and so my kids like to explore new places. They’ve told me they are not certain where they plan on living. My two older ones went to college in Ca and lived there for a couple years thereafter. This is the first time in 6 years that all my kids are in the same state. My kids who lived in Ca came home to support their younger siblings and perhaps my ex and I through the separation. I have a truly lovely family. My kids are phenomenal successful human beings. ( Even my ex is a good man. We are just not compatible or severely mismatched.) My kids are adults but have not settled on a place to lay down roots. Once they do, I plan to sell my home and move closer to them or any one of them.

Thanks again all.

 

[2&out]

Why do you keep saying "my kids" like you own them like a car or something ? They are HIS kids also so he can do whatever he wants with HIS kids. And they aren't even really "kids" - they are young adults. They can and will likely do whatever they want. Get over yourself and stop playing the poor me victim feel sorry for me game.

 

[bobert]

I just felt my ex was flaunting it too much and involving as many people as he can and while I don’t feel pitiful, I feel the people he is involving, my kids included, may be put in an awkward situation by feeling they are betraying me perhaps or feel bad for me.

That is for your kids to decide. If they feel awkward or otherwise uncomfortable then they can change the situation. Whether that means less contact, no contact, different contact, etc.

If they are so independent and successful then they definitely don't need mommy telling them to stop seeing dad's GF.

 

[Spoons027]

Ah, yes. I get the whole “pity looks” just because you’re not paired up with someone. Quite annoying, really. That pity’s misplaced and unnecessary.

Like others said, don’t put the kids in the middle. Keep living your life until you can move. Or if you are able, move up the date of when you can move.

 

[Openminded]

So what if they pity you. Look at it as one more year and you’re out. It’ll pass quickly.

 

[oldshirt]

People are moving forward and living their lives.

You should do the same.

Asking them not to see her is asking them to put their lives on hold so you feel more comfortable about you not living your life going forward.

If you don’t want to look across the street see him feathering his nest with this other chick (which I understand and don’t blame you) then move.

 

[LATERILUS79]

If you feel your kids are being awkward around you, tell them that it is ok that they hang out with your ex’s new girlfriend. Tell them it’s ok that he has moved on with his life. Tell them you are glad that they get along so well. I think that will put your kids minds at ease if they at least think you aren’t bothered by it.

if you are bothered by it, then fake it til you make it.

 

[Muddlethru]

To those that offered true support and honest advice, thank you. To that one poster above who proffered nothing but negativity and signs of his/her own unhappiness, I wish you find more happiness in your life.

i know by posting in a public forum, you will elicit all kinds of responses. Again I thank the kind souls who responded with kindness and understanding. You know who you are. This will be my last post and will deactivate my account. Good luck to everyone.

 

[Spoons027]

Best of luck, OP.