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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So back when my EX left the kids and I, it wasn't long until I started having them go see a counselor/play therapist. So when I told her what I was doing, she was fine with it. I wanted to be proactive before things were noticeably bad and then we send the kids to a counselor doing damage control.
She even went to a counseling session or two with us when she was in town (which is rare). So in December I get the tab for the last several months that were not paid from the counselor office. Turned out i ran out of health funds and now had to pay out of pocket. My EX and I will need to split that 50/50. She didn't like it one bit. And hasn't paid yet.(It'll be a month since she was notified in about a week from now).
And I find out in late January that she depleted my funds the previous year 1 month before she was set to be taken off our family insurance when she split. So she knows she's gonna have to pay if the kids ever need to go for any kind of medical.
So now she wants to have a serious discussion about the kids seeing the counselor. She doesn't see why the kids can't just come to us if they have an issue. That the counselors is a waste of money. Part of me thinks she is doing this because she feels she's not getting her $$ worth, and/or doesn't like shelling out money period.
She's stating in the decree with it being joint that I need her consent to have the kids get counseling services after months of her being fine with it. So how will this work if her and I don't agree.:confused:
 

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What does it matter? Do you really think she's going to pay half?

I'm no divorce expert but if you can't come to an agreement like everything else it goes before the judge and he decides. At least that's the way it works here.
 

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Sounds like you need to get this kind of stuff in writing beforehand, especially since you two don't seem to coparent very well.

Does 50/50 need to be agreed to in advance by both parties before you do something? And if so, does it need to be written down?

She probably doesn't want to pay. That makes sense if she doesn't have money. You might need to talk to an attorney on this one. You already know this but this is not a woman who puts the concerns of the children before her own. She is, as you put it, "a selfish mother".

So you need to keep in mind that if you do something without her written consent then you might have to pay for it yourself.

My husband has flat out told me he can't afford to pay for our kids so I've had to pay out a LOT of money just feed, clothe and take care of them in spite of this. I'm hoping that will change once we get our divorce agreement in writing but there's no guarantee it will. Deadbeat parents have become the norm all too often these days. So that puts the ball squarely in the court of the parent who cares the most.

So if the kids need counseling are you willing to shell out? Is it that important? If so, you might have to pay it out now and proceed with caution in the future. :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
The 50/50 for medical payment is in the decree. She has to pay if there is a bill. So this is why her only way out is to either:
1. Convince me they don't need counseling.
2. Since we are joint in regards to many of the decisions for the kids and it states we need each others' consent, she's hoping she can block me.

I'm wondering what happens when she doesn't give consent. I'm guessing it goes to a judge (which my EX would lose because the counselors say the kids need it/ their mom left and abandoned the family (she thinks skype twice a week and summer/holiday visitation is good enough).
So I plan to call her bluff. I'm wondering how bad this would look in the eyes of a court with her suggesting this. Tempting, but I don't want to shell out tons of $$ either. :(
 

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Seems like a lot of grief on both ends, and thats the last thing anyone especially the kids need. Continued strife and drama.. Perhaps let things settle down some, and if the kids show a need for counseling, then you will be at a better position financially to address it. I am simply assuming that you had them go to counseling as a preemptive effort.
The less contention you have the better you and those kids are going to be. You cant force her mom to be involved, and thats going to be a major loss later in her life. Rest assured anything you do for those children financially is going to be far more rewarding than anything else you had planned for it.
 

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Seems like a lot of grief on both ends, and thats the last thing anyone especially the kids need. Continued strife and drama.. Perhaps let things settle down some, and if the kids show a need for counseling, then you will be at a better position financially to address it. I am simply assuming that you had them go to counseling as a preemptive effort.
The less contention you have the better you and those kids are going to be. You cant force her mom to be involved, and thats going to be a major loss later in her life. Rest assured anything you do for those children financially is going to be far more rewarding than anything else you had planned for it.
My personal opinion is if you have to go to court, then do so with the purpose of removing as much as you can of her power over such things. In Canada we have section 7 expenses which look after the extras like high level sports and out of pocket medical expenses. One of our children had a medical issue which required a lot of travel plus we purchase extra health plans through work for 50 a month for prescription drugs, dentist, braces etc. Negotiating with him was a bloody nightmare as he is a control freak. He voluntarily removed the kids off his plan to save 25 a month (family price 50 - single price 25) and if kids made a team it was always last minute before we were told if he was paying or not or would bounce a cheque to me. I figured out an average cost per year and had it written in to the child support agreement that he pay me an extra 80 a month towards these expenses. It just saved countless trips to court etc. Is there any way you can figure something like that out to remove the conflict? I believe kids don't need conflict but the solution isn't to bow down to her, it's to break her power and control.
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As I sit and prepare myself mentally and emotionally to engage in discussions with my STBXH about child support why do I feel this overwhelming feeling of panic and dread as I read all this... :slap: :eek:
 

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As I sit and prepare myself mentally and emotionally to engage in discussions with my STBXH about child support why do I feel this overwhelming feeling of panic and dread as I read all this... :slap: :eek:
Honest to God those negotiations were far more distressing than the divorce. My ex was a total control freak who took it out on finances and child support when he lost physical control over me. It's been 12 years and I still think he's crap.
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Well, my STBXH is a total d!ck when it comes to money. Yesterday I was at work and asked him to take my son over to the orthodontist because a bracket on my son's braces had come loose and was bothering him. The FIRST words out of my STBXH's mouth were "Is it going to cost anything for me to bring him there?" :slap:

I felt like saying "On second thought, never mind, just let the boy suffer."

Instead I said "If it does, just let me know and I'll take care of it." :rolleyes:

He's now constantly pleading poverty, even while he makes his $500/mo payments on his boat.

And then there's the visitation. He wants 50/50. Ok, sounds good. He wants to make visitation "flexible"..whenever we or our son feels like it. I want it to be scheduled so I can know what to expect.

He wants to come up with a fixed, average amount for my son's food/living expenses and says that I should pay him when my son is with him and he'll pay me when he's with me.

So how do you determine just how much he's going to eat in a given week? :scratchhead: Then we are going to trade off what we pay each other? That all sounds rather confusing. :confused:

I don't think that's going to work. I do NOT want to be in a position to have to ask my husband for money every time my son goes to visit his father. That puts me in a bad position and could create conflict.

So MY idea is that we EACH pay for whatever food/expenses that are incurred when our son is with us and we split expenses like medical expenses/insurance, clothes, orthodontist, allowance, etc.

I'm hoping now that my STBXH is sober and in AA he CAN take my son 50% of the time. I guess we'll have to wait and see. It's all very confusing, especially since there aren't any lawyers involved and it's all on us.
 

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Well, my STBXH is a total d!ck when it comes to money. Yesterday I was at work and asked him to take my son over to the orthodontist because a bracket on my son's braces had come loose and was bothering him. The FIRST words out of my STBXH's mouth were "Is it going to cost anything for me to bring him there?" :slap:

I felt like saying "On second thought, never mind, just let the boy suffer."

Instead I said "If it does, just let me know and I'll take care of it." :rolleyes:

He's now constantly pleading poverty, even while he makes his $500/mo payments on his boat.

And then there's the visitation. He wants 50/50. Ok, sounds good. He wants to make visitation "flexible"..whenever we or our son feels like it. I want it to be scheduled so I can know what to expect.

He wants to come up with a fixed, average amount for my son's food/living expenses and says that I should pay him when my son is with him and he'll pay me when he's with me.

So how do you determine just how much he's going to eat in a given week? :scratchhead: Then we are going to trade off what we pay each other? That all sounds rather confusing. :confused:

I don't think that's going to work. I do NOT want to be in a position to have to ask my husband for money every time my son goes to visit his father. That puts me in a bad position and could create conflict.

So MY idea is that we EACH pay for whatever food/expenses that are incurred when our son is with us and we split expenses like medical expenses/insurance, clothes, orthodontist, allowance, etc.

I'm hoping now that my STBXH is sober and in AA he CAN take my son 50% of the time. I guess we'll have to wait and see. It's all very confusing, especially since there aren't any lawyers involved and it's all on us.

My ex wanted to buy our son a used can (jock protector) for hockey. A more fair way to do it is figure out what you would pay for child support if you paid your ex and he do the same. The amount over is given as child support to the lower earner. I personally hate the 50/50 split as the child never has a home base.
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A more fair way to do it is figure out what you would pay for child support if you paid your ex and he do the same. The amount over is given as child support to the lower earner. I personally hate the 50/50 split as the child never has a home base.
Well, because my husband is an alcoholic and has basically lived off his inheritance and now says it's all gone. That would make HIM the lower earner and I'm not giving him a dime, especially when our son is living with me and I'm paying for EVERYTHING right now. He keeps bringing up how he spent all this money on all of us the past two years but right now it's ALL on me.

He wants 50/50 and I'm willing to give it to him. We live 3 miles apart and I can use a break. My son is a real handful at times. But this bit where it's every other day or even week is too confusing. I think we should just split the month apart. He mentioned doing it and I'll go for it provided my son can be in a stable environment. Unfortunately, I have some serious doubts about that.
 

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Well, because my husband is an alcoholic and has basically lived off his inheritance and now says it's all gone. That would make HIM the lower earner and I'm not giving him a dime, especially when our son is living with me and I'm paying for EVERYTHING right now. He keeps bringing up how he spent all this money on all of us the past two years but right now it's ALL on me.

He wants 50/50 and I'm willing to give it to him. We live 3 miles apart and I can use a break. My son is a real handful at times. But this bit where it's every other day or even week is too confusing. I think we should just split the month apart. He mentioned doing it and I'll go for it provided my son can be in a stable environment. Unfortunately, I have some serious doubts about that.
Don't take his word about his money. Ever here the saying that those who represent themselves have a fool for a client? If everything is present up front, then by all means avoid lawyers, but taking him at his word? Nope don't do it. I will go read your back story!
Oh my ex kept telling my kids he overpaid me child support. Well finally I opened it up again and he had been underpaying me big time. He owed an extra $285 a month support plus $7000 back pay. Don't expect the truth from them.
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It really helps to know what the judge would defer to, when two parties cannot agree or come to an agreement. The family law codes in TX are found on the state website, and they let me know what standard procedure was. This includes obligations of both parties, and considerations in terms of kids.
It helped the efforts tremendously, to come to a mutual parenting plan and divorce agreement.
Your stbx is not going to be able to lie about finances. A financial statement will be required by the courts to determine child and spousal support, if such cannot be decided between you.
 

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Don't take his word about his money. Ever here the saying that those who represent themselves have a fool for a client?
No, they are just poor. :(

If everything is present up front, then by all means avoid lawyers, but taking him at his word? Nope don't do it.
I don't trust anything my H tells me, believe me on that. This is a man who lies constantly. But this isn't about the truth..it's about what I can get in a legal, binding agreement from him when it comes to child support. This isn't about empty promises. He knows I'll come after him if he doesn't honor his agreement..or at least he should know.

This isn't about revenge or anger or anything, except getting support for my son. If we can sit down and set up a mutual agreement then it's the best way. I basically want him to pay half. It's pretty simple. I want it in writing that he will pay half of everything.

As for visitation, one problem with 50/50 is that my son has informed me that he doesn't WANT to spend half the time at his father's place. He wants to choose on his own when he wants to spend time there. He's 15 and I certainly won't force him to be someplace he doesn't want to be. That's a complication as well. :(

Guess we'll have to try and hash it out. Money has always been a real problem between me and my STBXH. On my divorce complaint I've put my in demands that I have full custody and he pay me support. I wrote that when he was till a raving drunk lunatic. Now he's sober and saw that on the complaint and doesn't like that AT ALL but he'll have to ante up or he can contest the complaint and then the judge will decide.

His choice.
 

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It helped the efforts tremendously, to come to a mutual parenting plan and divorce agreement.
Your stbx is not going to be able to lie about finances. A financial statement will be required by the courts to determine child and spousal support, if such cannot be decided between you.
Ball is in his court. We can come to a mutual parenting plan. Or we can go to court. Up to him.
 

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What you can be certain of is that you can come to an agreement that you can both be happy with, or leave it up to the courts in which case its likely neither of you will be happy with the agreement.

The courts don't want that job, so they generally assure that neither party gets everything they want.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Update:
My EX sends me a message stating that she's not trying to take the kids from me, etc.,etc.
Despite our conversation to the contrary, she chatted with the kids last night and at one point asked my son if I was in the same room. He said yes. She asked if I or my son could go to another room so they can speak in private. I said I would leave and went to the next room. Well, the chat was loud enough for me to hear my son the other room. I couldn't hear my Ex's question, but my son responded "We can't live up there. Daddy is not letting us". My EX also said that daddy thinks she is trying to take them from him and that she's not.
So my EX is still bringing this up with the kids. It sucks because I never told my son "no". I told him and my daughter that they will remain here because family is here and the decree also states it. Plus, daddy and mommy will always discuss it between each other and will not drag them into the middle. I guess my son (6yrs old) was just telling her what he interpreted. Still, it concerns me that she's still brining it up.
 

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Your ex wife is a real turd doing that to her kid. :mad:

It's just criminal to be doing that, messing with your kid's heads. :(

I'm sorry, but if I'd heard that I would've come into the room and taken the phone and said "It's time to end this conversation" and hung up the phone. What's she going to do? Rant and rave. Well, let her. She can't afford to do anything. You need to protect your kids from these sort of mind games she's doing. You need to take control of the situation and stop letting your Ex pull this crap.

Next time, don't leave the room.
 

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So ... your ex doesn't want you in the room while she is talking to your six year old for fear that you are controlling and manipulative. She wants to isolate the child or you to leave so that she can in turn, be controlling and manipulative ...

Don't grant that request again. Be nothing but pleasant and supportive of your child. If 'mommy' suggests that they go to another room. Smile and tell your child it's fine they can talk right where they are, and go on about your business in their presence.
 
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