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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My ex and I dated in 2014, breaking up in early 2016.
We were friends when I joined the university but he didnt like me that time. I was of course finding him attractive as he's very suave and very attractive.

In late 2014 he moved to Catalonia and I'm Catalan so we started meeting up frequently whenever I went there which led to sex and began dating. It was mostly long distance but we met up frequently.

Our relationship was good but we were very different people in terms of personality. And it wasnt that serious even though we did put up pictures of each other on SM and met each others family.

However, he decided to return to UK in late 2015 and while were living together when he moved back, we broke up in early 2016.

Now, on 6th dec 2019, he got married to a girl I'm now finding out was his crush before he began dating me. It was mutual from both sides.

Apparently he wanted her throughtout mid 2013-mid 2014 but they just couldn't get together that time.

I knew he was seeing her and she was a student at the same university as well as I had seen her around.

They had a starkly different relationship than us.

My ex boyfriend likes his independence and I do that too but he with her, he would stay with her nearly all the time.
They would eat lunch together, study together, and even go home together.
They would by themselves only when she had classes/he at work. Otherwise whenever he would come, he was always with her.
I had also seen him blatantly staring at her stupidly which looked ridiculous.

However a friend showed me the wedding video and though he's Jewish, he made a speech saying how he met her and it "love" at first sight in 2014. Then claimed fate/life separated them in 2015 but they eventually found their way back to each other.

He also claimed he knew it was a deep connection/love because when he met her again for the 2nd time after the separation, he still harboured those feelings he had for her, was guilty and wanted her back. JUST 1 MONTH AFTER OUR BREAK UP IN EARLY 2016.

He also said that she taught him what love is, to accept himself for who he is and is supportive/caring to the core.

I dont care for my ex but I was devastated hearing this. So what was I then? He dated me in between after her and I'm completely erased?
How did he marry this girl so quickly?
 

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You were the runner-up prize. I'm sure that stings. Sometimes we care more about someone than they care about us. Sometimes the roles are reversed. That's reality.

He's your ex for a reason. Move on with your life.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
You were the runner-up prize. I'm sure that stings. Sometimes we care more about someone than they care about us. Sometimes the roles are reversed. That's reality.

He's your ex for a reason. Move on with your life.
Runner up prize? What does that mean?
 

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Have you had any relationships since you stopped seeing him?

Are you in a relationship now?
 

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Sorry that happened to you.

Let me go out on a limb here and say that if you have (had) an ex, even if the relationship didn't work out, even if you left on bad terms, even if there were things about them that annoyed you at the time and you honestly don't care for them...

...I would wager that for a large proportion of people, it would still be a bittersweet and very human experience to hear of them ending up with someone else.

And let me go further out on a limb to say that feeling this pain in and of itself isn't indicative of deep-seated stalker, misogynistic/misandristic, or objectifying tendencies which is a clear sign that you must want to control men/women and your partner's body as a possession.

Even setting aside the whole "what could have been" line of thinking, it hurts on a primal level to be rejected, full stop, and the situation you have in which you found out that the person they ended up with was someone they'd wanted before you...I realize that people have the right to date other people, but knowing that (in conjunction with some of the stuff he said near the end)...That would f*** me up. And I'm male.

People have a right to choose their partner, but no one wants to be a second choice, even if it's clear in hindsight that you and him not being together would probably be for the best in the long run if his feelings for her were genuine.

Wishing you strength.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Have you had any relationships since you stopped seeing him?

Are you in a relationship now?
Yes I had one but we broke up 4 months ago.

I'm honestly more unhappy because I didnt know that he actually liked this girl before me.
 

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He learned from you that he still loved her.

You were fun, he liked you.
You, to him, were just friends with benefits, FWB's.

You were his {fill in}, for her.

Would I be hurt?

If I grew feelings for him, yes.

He was being selfish, you made yourself too available.

This short romance is one that you will have both, good memories, and bitter ones.

Hold on to the good thoughts, jettison the bad.

You are still the same valuable lady. You added a notch to your bedpost, good for you.



Lilith-
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Sorry that happened to you.

Let me go out on a limb here and say that if you have (had) an ex, even if the relationship didn't work out, even if you left on bad terms, even if there were things about them that annoyed you at the time and you honestly don't care for them...

...I would wager that for a large proportion of people, it would still be a bittersweet and very human experience to hear of them ending up with someone else.

And let me go further out on a limb to say that feeling this pain in and of itself isn't indicative of deep-seated stalker, misogynistic/misandristic, or objectifying tendencies which is a clear sign that you must want to control men/women and your partner's body as a possession.

Even setting aside the whole "what could have been" line of thinking, it hurts on a primal level to be rejected, full stop, and the situation you have in which you found out that the person they ended up with was someone they'd wanted before you...I realize that people have the right to date other people, but knowing that (in conjunction with some of the stuff he said near the end)...That would f*** me up. And I'm male.

People have a right to choose their partner, but no one wants to be a second choice, even if it's clear in hindsight that you and him not being together would probably be for the best in the long run if his feelings for her were genuine.

Wishing you strength.
Why do you think I was the second choice? I mean he spent a year causing issues which led to him and his now wife to not be together then he voluntarily made the decision to move to Catalonia and that's how we got close.

But then the break up happened and he moved back to her and even married her.

It sucks because he met ME first. He met this girl later on and then ruined things and moved on to me.

I mean I thought it was clear as day that I was the one for him considering we also knew each other. He moved to my country and even though i was in london, we met up and got together.
 

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Yes I had one but we broke up 4 months ago.

I'm honestly more unhappy because I didnt know that he actually liked this girl before me.
While you were seeing him, did he ever promise to be exclusive with you, and no see anyone else? Did he ever say that he loved you?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
He learned from you that he still loved her.

You were fun, he liked you.
You, to him, were just friends with benefits, FWB's.

You were his {fill in}, for her.

Would I be hurt?

If I grew feelings for him, yes.

He was being selfish, you made yourself too available.

This short romance is one that you will have both, good memories, and bitter ones.

Hold on to the good thoughts, jettison the bad.

You are still the same valuable lady. You added a notch to your bedpost, good for you.



Lilith-

Wait we weren't friends with benefits. He was friends with benefits with another good friend of mine.
We were a romantic pair and dated officially.

And how can he learn from me that he still loved her? He had his chances and kept destroying them. Or as now he says that fate separated them
 

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Runner up prize? What does that mean?
The runner up is the contestant that comes in second place. The prize for second place is usually less desirable to the contestants than the grand prize. Of you can't come in first, runner up is the next best thing.

It's not a judgment on you personally, it's just clear that you were not the one he truly wanted. Accepting this fact will make it easier to let go. You won't have to compare yourself to her, hopefully you can find comfort in the fact that you are no longer giving yourself to someone whose heart belongs to someone else.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
While you were seeing him, did he ever promise to be exclusive with you, and no see anyone else? Did he ever say that he loved you?
Yeah we were exclusively dating. Everyone knew. We even met each others family.
However like I described, our relationship was not like he has with this girl like always being together.
He did things by himself. I did things by myself. Like that sort of
 

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Discussion Starter #13
The runner up is the contestant that comes in second place. The prize for second place is usually less desirable to the contestants than the grand prize. Of you can't come in first, runner up is the next best thing.

It's not a judgment on you personally, it's just clear that you were not the one he truly wanted. Accepting this fact will make it easier to let go. You won't have to compare yourself to her, hopefully you can find comfort in the fact that you are no longer giving yourself to someone whose heart belongs to someone else.
Thanks for the explanation.

But he did move on from her didnt he? He failed with her then moved to my country and I'm Catalan so we began talking even though he was in Catalonia and I was still in london completing my studies.
And we hung out and ended up making out/sleeping together. That's how we began dating.

We even met each others family and posted pics of us online then how come his heart was still with her. I just cannot get that part :(
 

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Why do you think I was the second choice?
@Mayfair2018, this is a public forum so people are going to posts all sorts of things, just ignore the ones that are

You were not second choice. You were the person who he wanted to be with when you two were seeing each other. After you two stopped seeing each other, he filled his life with what was around him... she was still around him. You were not.

Life circumstances change. People change. That's life.


I mean he spent a year causing issues which led to him and his now wife to not be together then he voluntarily made the decision to move to Catalonia and that's how we got close.

But then the break up happened and he moved back to her and even married her.

It sucks because he met ME first. He met this girl later on and then ruined things and moved on to me.

I mean I thought it was clear as day that I was the one for him considering we also knew each other. He moved to my country and even though i was in london, we met up and got together.
When you two broke up, who initiated the break up? Was it you? Or was it him?

How old you and him?
 

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Yes I had one but we broke up 4 months ago.

I'm honestly more unhappy because I didnt know that he actually liked this girl before me.
That is the problem with dating, people are not always honest.
Uh, then again, you did know they had a prior relationship with each other.

This should inspire you to pay more attention to what is going on, and to ask questions.
Live and learn.

Oh, some here might suggest that his fiancee be told of your close dating history and you meeting his parents.
What think you, on doing this?

Lilith-
 

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...we started meeting up frequently whenever I went there which led to sex and began dating. It was mostly long distance but we met up frequently.

Our relationship was good but we were very different people in terms of personality. And it wasnt that serious even though we did put up pictures of each other on SM and met each others family.

...he got married to a girl I'm now finding out was his crush before he began dating me.

Apparently he wanted her throughtout mid 2013-mid 2014 but they just couldn't get together that time.

They had a starkly different relationship than us.

My ex boyfriend likes his independence and I do that too but he with her, he would stay with her nearly all the time.
They would eat lunch together, study together, and even go home together.
They would by themselves only when she had classes/he at work. Otherwise whenever he would come, he was always with her.
I had also seen him blatantly staring at her stupidly which looked ridiculous.

However a friend showed me the wedding video and though he's Jewish, he made a speech saying how he met her and it "love" at first sight in 2014. Then claimed fate/life separated them in 2015 but they eventually found their way back to each other.

He also claimed he knew it was a deep connection/love because when he met her again for the 2nd time after the separation, he still harboured those feelings he had for her, was guilty and wanted her back. JUST 1 MONTH AFTER OUR BREAK UP IN EARLY 2016.

He also said that she taught him what love is, to accept himself for who he is and is supportive/caring to the core.

I dont care for my ex but I was devastated hearing this. So what was I then? He dated me in between after her and I'm completely erased?
How did he marry this girl so quickly?
It seems that he isn't as independent as you think he was. You just weren't someone he wanted hang around with that much, or look at with "in love" eyes.

You were just a friend with benefits, or an in-between girlfriend.

The one he married is the one who had his heart. You were never that one.

Regarding his wedding speech: Why are you upset? That speech if about him and her, not all the ones who were not the right one. Are you thinking he should have mentioned you in his wedding speech? "Oh, I love you much, and I also loved Miss Catalan who I dated in between dating you."

For your sake and theirs, you need to move on. Block him, stop using your friends to find out about him. Watching his wedding video was a bit stalkerish IMO, and not healthy for you.

You were not the one for him. He's married to someone else. Accept that, train your mind to not think about him or seek him out anymore.
 

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Thanks for the explanation.

But he did move on from her didnt he? He failed with her then moved to my country and I'm Catalan so we began talking even though he was in Catalonia and I was still in london completing my studies.
And we hung out and ended up making out/sleeping together. That's how we began dating.

We even met each others family and posted pics of us online then how come his heart was still with her. I just cannot get that part :(
Why does it matter? He's married now. It's over between you. Move on.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
@Mayfair2018, this is a public forum so people are going to posts all sorts of things, just ignore the ones that are

You were not second choice. You were the person who he wanted to be with when you two were seeing each other. After you two stopped seeing each other, he filled his life with what was around him... she was still around him. You were not.

Life circumstances change. People change. That's life.




When you two broke up, who initiated the break up? Was it you? Or was it him?

How old you and him?
I was still around him when we broke up. He didnt know she was at university too at that time until he saw her again.


We both called it quits.

I was 22 and he was 24 that time.
 

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Why do you think I was the second choice? I mean he spent a year causing issues which led to him and his now wife to not be together then he voluntarily made the decision to move to Catalonia and that's how we got close.

But then the break up happened and he moved back to her and even married her.

It sucks because he met ME first. He met this girl later on and then ruined things and moved on to me.

I mean I thought it was clear as day that I was the one for him considering we also knew each other. He moved to my country and even though i was in london, we met up and got together.
Sorry, I must have got confused by this line:

Now, on 6th dec 2019, he got married to a girl I'm now finding out was his crush before he began dating me.
Thought the other girl had met him first otherwise she couldn't be his crush, but apologies if I misunderstood.
 

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Thanks for the explanation.

But he did move on from her didnt he? He failed with her then moved to my country and I'm Catalan so we began talking even though he was in Catalonia and I was still in london completing my studies.
And we hung out and ended up making out/sleeping together. That's how we began dating.

We even met each others family and posted pics of us online then how come his heart was still with her. I just cannot get that part :(
His heart might not have been with her while he was seeing you. You don't know that. His feelings for her might have grown to the level they are now after he was no longer seeing you and started seeing her again.

What you are doing to yourself here is crazy making. Be kinder to yourself. Love yourself more. You had a relationship with him that you both were into. It ended because it was not the right relationship for YOU.
 
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