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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Stepson is 8. I married his mother a year ago, and he has caused a LOT of problems for my wife and I.

His father and my wife were never married, he proposed, she declined, they broke up about 2 months after my stepson was born. He (baby daddy) has physically assaulted my wife, her mother, her grandmother, her sister, and 1 one my wife's ex boyfriends by walking up behind him and smashing a bottle over his head. He has tried to get my wife arrested by planting drugs in her car, "anonymous" tip to my wifes sisters employer that she was stealing, and he tried to get me arrested by calling the child abuse hotline on me.
Ok, not bashing my stepsons father, but the problem is, his dad has NEVER had a job, family is chronic welfare abusers. My stepson has told me that his bedroom DOESNT HAVE A FLOOR...its just dirt, he isnt taken care of at his fathers house (they drink, do drugs, fight in front of my stepson).
But, my stepson loves his father, with all his heart. I feel that my stepsons dad is telling him things that cause problems in my marriage. My stepson lies constantly about me. I refuse to be in the same room alone with him because he told his school teacher I beat him with a spiked belt and choked him (assuming he was sticking up for his dad who "anonymously" reported me.) Its to the point where he will come up to me and hug me in front of his mother, and of course she does the "awwww", and then he'll tell his grandma I push, hit, punch, choke, slap him, break his toys, wont let him eat. Its disgusting. My wife gets mad at me when I refuse to touch him, or be alone with him, but im seriously affraid he will say I molested him or something else to get me arrested...like he has before. He ran away from school, because he was afraid of a big scary guy with a beard that "sneaks into his room at night with a knife". What does he look like?, his reply was "like (my name)". He steals from me, cries everytime i tell him no, or correct him. He has told me he hated me about 5 times in the last 2 days, in front of his mother, and she wont back me up. Probably because the more I stand my ground the more defiant he becomes...i mean, its bad. I have never even seen a kid come close to the sheer rage driven defiance this kid shows toward me. anyway, i cant punish him because if i do, he cries, and then im considered a bully. so, what in the world do i do?
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Demand that your wife PUT THIS BOY IN COUNSELING IMMEDIATELY

or

You are MOVING OUT OF THE MARITAL HOME.

Sounds extreme, but so is being falsely arrested on child molestation charges (which will NEVER disappear). Your relationship (the three of you) will continue to deteriorate until your wife acknowledges there is a problem, addresses it properly, sees it through to resolution.

Why has baby-daddy NEVER been arrested for any of the assaults?
If he HAS been arrested, why do his accusations carry any weight?
Have you/your wife looked into Parental Alienation Syndrome (it's illegal).
If baby-daddy HAS an arrest record for violence, why is child allowed to 'live' with him at all?
Why hasn't child welfare been called out on the unsafe/unsanitary living conditions at baby daddy's house?
If it turns out sonny is lying about the conditions at baby daddy's house, even MORE reason to get him into counseling NOW.

Buy a voice-activated recorder; have it on you AT ALL TIMES.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have suggested counseling, she refuses to take him because she is affraid they will just medicate him, or make him feel like he has social or behaviorial problems.

As far as his father, he has a record, DFS has been to his house, its freaking nasty but they deemed it "inhabitable and not dangerous".

I understand that probably 60% of the push back I'm getting is because of what my stepson's father is telling him. But I feel if I can slowly chip away at the other 40% then I'll eventually have a respectful, courteous, and managable stepson with whom I can have a relationship with. Right now though, he HATES me and makes it obvious. The frustrating thing about it is how far the family will go to make him happy even when he is exherting very bad socially unacceptable behavior. I mean, sitting at the dinner table in his boxers, after I asked him to put on at least a shirt for supper, eating mashed potatoes with his hands after I ask him repeatedly to use a utensil, looking at me and like moaning or singing while hes doing it, and after he gets upset enough to run away from the table yelling at me how much he hates me. His mom amd grandma just look at me and say stuff like, "how much does it hurt you for him to eat with his hands?"..."who is he hurting if he doesnt have clothes on?"
My reply is always the same; would he act that way in school, would he act that way in church, would that be acceptable on a job interview, what if i were sitting at the dinner table in just boxers with my genitals showing?

I'M not even going to start on what happened when I tried to get him to say "excuse me" when he would ask his mom for something when we were in the middle of a conversation...you would have thought I had killed his imaginery puppy...oh the drama.

I just want to know what I can do to teach this boy proper manners. I'm not super strict, the boy has free reign in the house, he will change the tv to a show of his choice when I'm watching something and then sit there and play his iPod games and then scream at me if I ask him to change it back.

Do I just forsake the protection from his mother and push the discipline on him regardless? I think thats what Iwill do in the future because I do not want a pre-teen who acts the way he does. Any advice will help me please!
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I agree with Thoreau. It would be different if his mother was supportive of you and was proactive in stopping his hideous behavior. Instead she has buried her head in the sand and wont even get the boy any help, which he OBVIOUSLY desperately needs. Good parent know when their children need help and WANT to get it for them. She is disrespecting you by allowing him to behave this way. In the meantime, you need to detach from him. Stop trying to teach him anything or guide him, stop doing any parenting with him whatsoever, and let his mother deal with him. It would very much be in his best interest to STOP spending time with his "father" also, I cannot believe she allows this.

I wish there was more hopeful advice to give here, but her refusal to make any changes ties your hands. Either she steps up with him, or you are going to need to leave. :(
 

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I agree with 3x & SGW. You can't address the issues with your step-son. Your issue is with your W - his mother. She must take responsibility for his actions & his behavior. You can only support her in that effort. You cannot lead the effort.

If she is unwilling, you have no hope for success. Very tough spot.
 

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I don't blame you for being standoffish toward this boy. But the problem is the mother. She is sending mixed messages.
He should be in counseling. If it doesn't change you will be subject to this for many more years.
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Is your wife related to to the Honey Boo Boo clan. Sounds like it.

Can you really be a party to raising a child like this ? I am referring to the table manners example. I am sure there is more.

I hate to suggest you abandon your family, it will surely cause the boy more pain. You seem to be an intelligent person and write well, I can't imagine the same of your wife. Sorry to be so blunt but I don't think you belong there.

Edit: ok dude, I just read some of your backstory. She cheated on you with this scumbag ex and you have a new baby. You are hosed. Get out now, move far away and send your checks in a timely manner.

However, I suspect if you have not done so already you never will. Until you are in jail at least. Then who do you think your wife will run to?

Good luck. I hope you do not dig yourself deeper into this hole.
 

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Disengage. Completely ignore the child and leave the parenting up to his mother. He is not your child and it is not your fault how he turns out. If you are going to be living in this situation you have to learn to let it go.
 

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Disengage. Completely ignore the child and leave the parenting up to his mother. He is not your child and it is not your fault how he turns out. If you are going to be living in this situation you have to learn to let it go.
I don't think that will work out very well. You can't just disengage with people you live with, especially a child. They will not let you.

That is a time bomb.
 

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How long have you been married?

You are not his father and thus have no business disciplining him. Get a book or two on step parenting and read. Get your wife to read them. You and your wife need to go to counseling.
I have suggested counseling, she refuses to take him because she is affraid they will just medicate him, or make him feel like he has social or behaviorial problems.
Surely she knows that he does have social and behavioral problems.

You need to get out of that house. You are not going to tame this kid. Unfortunately this is not Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. You cannot turn him over your knee or take him out to the wood shed and show him that there are consequences to this type of behavior. If you so much as put a hand on him to hold him still he can get you arrested for abuse.

Why do you want to stay with a woman who cannot even be a decent mother? If you have children with her, you will have this same problem with your own children. And their older half-brother will be teaching them how to act out, do drugs, and all the other things your wife’s ex exposes his son to.

Again, you need to get out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Well, I approached my wife about how I feel. I told her I was uncomfortable with how her son treats me, and offended that she protects his actions rather than correct them.

Her reply;"if you were'nt a jerk all the time they (both her kids) would'nt hate you".
So I asked her what I should do when my step-son yells at me and tells me he hates me..."don't discipline him and he won't yell at you"
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He's just doing WHAT HE WAS TAUGHT. How can he do any differently if his dad's family teaches him to be this way, it's all he hears from them, and then his mom buys his act?
 

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Well, I approached my wife about how I feel. I told her I was uncomfortable with how her son treats me, and offended that she protects his actions rather than correct them.

Her reply;"if you were'nt a jerk all the time they (both her kids) would'nt hate you".
So I asked her what I should do when my step-son yells at me and tells me he hates me..."don't discipline him and he won't yell at you"
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Ugh. Dude. You are screwed here. Do yourself a favor and get out. She is going to have to live with her son after he figures out that he completely controls her life, and I forsee nothing but misery ahead. How sad for you, I am really sorry. :(
 

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I usually don't say this but really it's only been a year being married to her, cut your losses and get out.

I can assure you that your wife is more like her ex than you think she is.

You are being made the bad guy in this situation and you will be the one going to jail for it.
 

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Stepson is 8. I married his mother a year ago, and he has caused a LOT of problems for my wife and I.

His father and my wife were never married, he proposed, she declined, they broke up about 2 months after my stepson was born. He (baby daddy) has physically assaulted my wife, her mother, her grandmother, her sister, and 1 one my wife's ex boyfriends by walking up behind him and smashing a bottle over his head. He has tried to get my wife arrested by planting drugs in her car, "anonymous" tip to my wifes sisters employer that she was stealing, and he tried to get me arrested by calling the child abuse hotline on me.
Ok, not bashing my stepsons father, but the problem is, his dad has NEVER had a job, family is chronic welfare abusers. My stepson has told me that his bedroom DOESNT HAVE A FLOOR...its just dirt, he isnt taken care of at his fathers house (they drink, do drugs, fight in front of my stepson).
But, my stepson loves his father, with all his heart. I feel that my stepsons dad is telling him things that cause problems in my marriage. My stepson lies constantly about me. I refuse to be in the same room alone with him because he told his school teacher I beat him with a spiked belt and choked him (assuming he was sticking up for his dad who "anonymously" reported me.) Its to the point where he will come up to me and hug me in front of his mother, and of course she does the "awwww", and then he'll tell his grandma I push, hit, punch, choke, slap him, break his toys, wont let him eat. Its disgusting. My wife gets mad at me when I refuse to touch him, or be alone with him, but im seriously affraid he will say I molested him or something else to get me arrested...like he has before. He ran away from school, because he was afraid of a big scary guy with a beard that "sneaks into his room at night with a knife". What does he look like?, his reply was "like (my name)". He steals from me, cries everytime i tell him no, or correct him. He has told me he hated me about 5 times in the last 2 days, in front of his mother, and she wont back me up. Probably because the more I stand my ground the more defiant he becomes...i mean, its bad. I have never even seen a kid come close to the sheer rage driven defiance this kid shows toward me. anyway, i cant punish him because if i do, he cries, and then im considered a bully. so, what in the world do i do?
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You have to leave and quickly.

You've been left no other option.

This will get uglier than you can possibly imagine.
 
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