Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 39 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It seems that we see the same story here on TAM CWI a dozen times a week. So the advice stays similar.

But have you ever wondered about the stories of cheating, and infidelity and YES success stories which DON'T show up here?

Right now, there are only a few posters who have good R stories which don't fit the mold, such as Wazza (not picking on you. I'm just still new here)

But I'm sure there are men and women out there which had the strength of character to actually take the necessary steps to drop a cheating spouse without any guidance.

There are people who R without the 180 or having things shoved into the WS' face. But they find their own path so we never hear about them.

So are we actually giving advice which works all the time or are we only seeing people who CAN be helped because they don't know what to do BECAUSE their spouses are Fog bound POS? Are there WS who are NOT Fog Bound? Are there people who CAN 'nice' their ways into an R which we don't see?

It was just something on my mind.

Edited to add: The perils of not proof reading! It should be titled EVER worry, not EVERY.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
47,309 Posts
I wish that more people would come back after a while and let us know that has happened. It would help to know.

As for your question, the things that we tell people here is pretty much backed up on by the material out there used by professionals who deal clients who are trying to deal with surviving an affair.

I'm sure that there are cases where beng 'nice' has helped to save a marriage. But generally what I've seen it does not work in most cases.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,426 Posts
I didn't show up here until 9/10 months after DDay. My wife and I already had a good reconciliation underway at that time so you could say we found our own way. The thing is that with very few exceptions the things she and I both did are the things that are held here as "the right way." The places we did things differently mostly turned out to be mistakes.

I think most of the advice offered here works because it is centered around reestablishing truth and honesty in the relationship, which is the most important thing for reconciliation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
I think you have a point. There are more shades to both cheating, recovering and rebuilding than many TAM-posters wish to admit.

People and context are often different, maybe just slightly, but it should have an impact on the advice given.

The strength of this community is, that there are different views represented so that you can form your own opinion and act accordingly.

It's just that sometimes the alternative perspectives tend to drown because some posters shout a bit louder than others :)

Otherwise, I agree with EG, that it would be nice if posters returned with the outcomes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,026 Posts
Very few things in life are absolute and certain. All people and situations are different too.

Everything you say is possible. I think the advice here is based on what has worked for the folks doing the posting.

So while it is not 100% sure or applicable, it is playing the percentages.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,728 Posts
But I'm sure there are men and women out there which had the strength of character to actually take the necessary steps to drop a cheating spouse without any guidance.
Not so fast. some spouses who cheat really do want out. My exH was one of them. As one friend said, he wanted the divorce, therefore, you'll never have to worry whether getting a divorce was the right thing to do.

Also, my sister whose exH had an affair for 6 years before asking for a divorce. She did admit that she tried negotiating "an arrangement." They have 2 daughters, so that might explain it.

Some people do get divorces not through strength of character but simply because that is the only option.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
I guess that you can count my FWH OW's relationship as a "sucessful" R by being nice. Multiple affairs and a husband that blames her past. She gets away with it everytime.

I got lucky that the EA had ended 6-9months prior...so no fog here. I was nice except for the night where I kicked him for figuring out that he did kiss her. Other than that, not much yelling. Just a whole lot of crying.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,192 Posts
I would love to see more reconciliation and?or clossure stories.
Well, the thing is, when ARE you truly reconciled? I see reconciliation as being akin to recovering alcoholism. Former alcoholics that have been sober for a very long time, even years, are still trained to call themselves recovering. It never truly ends until you are on your death bed, and stayed sober the whole time. The danger of slipping back is always there.

With reconciliation after infidelity, you can definitely get to a place of forgiveness and recommitment, redo wedding vows, etc. But you are always a recovering victim of infidelity in some way. There is always a risk it could happen again.

I don't want to say that marriages can't thrive after infidelity, but I don't think there ever really is "closure" as you say. Very, very few people can truly say they've forgotten about it and have moved on with 100% trust and 0% fear of being bit by the snake again. All we can do is get to a spot that is comfortable enough, safe enough to feel all right, and love our spouses fully.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
441 Posts
Well, the thing is, when ARE you truly reconciled? I see reconciliation as being akin to recovering alcoholism. Former alcoholics that have been sober for a very long time, even years, are still trained to call themselves recovering. It never truly ends until you are on your death bed, and stayed sober the whole time. The danger of slipping back is always there.

With reconciliation after infidelity, you can definitely get to a place of forgiveness and recommitment, redo wedding vows, etc. But you are always a recovering victim of infidelity in some way. There is always a risk it could happen again.

I don't want to say that marriages can't thrive after infidelity, but I don't think there ever really is "closure" as you say. Very, very few people can truly say they've forgotten about it and have moved on with 100% trust and 0% fear of being bit by the snake again. All we can do is get to a spot that is comfortable enough, safe enough to feel all right, and love our spouses fully.
But Gabriel if I read this I would think that the best option always is to walk away. Not judging, just asking since I have a "recovering cheater" who has been begging for another chance for 2 months and I just do not know.:(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
There are people who R without the 180 or having things shoved into the WS' face. But they find their own path so we never hear about them.
There are people attempting to reconcile while not going with the hard line sometimes espoused on TAM, but they (I) are sometimes subjected to some very rude treatment. I hope to continue to share our story of reconciliation (or not reconciliation), despite the abusive treatment. Because there is good advice here, interspersed with the flames and arrows.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
I would love to see more reconciliation and/or clossure stories.
Not to be overly cynical here, but you will likely see more successful R stories than closure confirmations. I don't see that closure can be achieved very easily with As.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Not so fast. some spouses who cheat really do want out. My exH was one of them. As one friend said, he wanted the divorce, therefore, you'll never have to worry whether getting a divorce was the right thing to do.

Also, my sister whose exH had an affair for 6 years before asking for a divorce. She did admit that she tried negotiating "an arrangement." They have 2 daughters, so that might explain it.

Some people do get divorces not through strength of character but simply because that is the only option.
I said drop the CHEATING spouse. For example, fishfrydoc didn't seem to need any help with his situation. A cheater who wants to leave, if they lack the will to do it themselves, will keep adding D-Days, clowns, dwarves etc. until even SD would shout 'enough'.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,699 Posts
Bell curve. The advice here will be applicable for the vast majority of cases. There are always exceptions on the tails of the curve.
Maybe right, maybe wrong. My problem is that there are no reliable statistics on which to base such a statement.

This is exactly JCD's point about confirmation bias. Statistics based on TAM are distorted. I couldn't have hung around TAM while I was rebuilding - too painful, I had enough pain already. And I'm probably crazy in hanging around 22 years after the affair, though I have found it helpful to read other stories, but I stumbled across it...therefore I am very atypical for this site, where most posters seem to be dealing with much more recent stuff.

I reckon there is no substitute for getting a lot of ideas and picking what works in your situation....except that it's so hard to be rational when your wife is with someone else.

I also think there is one key assumption. In some people's minds cheaters have this extra personality defect. So some will cheat and some not. And someone who cheats has no morals and will cheat again. I don't agree with that. I think we all have the ability to cheat given the circumstances. Following my wife's affair, I had a very close brush with my own affair, and that opened my eyes a lot. (Didn't cheat, but it was as much by luck as anything else).

But maybe the people who think it's a defect are right, and my wife and I are both just defective :)

I love her, and I can say that with a smile on my face. Reconciliation is not perfect, but it's pretty damn good!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,699 Posts
Well, the thing is, when ARE you truly reconciled? I see reconciliation as being akin to recovering alcoholism. Former alcoholics that have been sober for a very long time, even years, are still trained to call themselves recovering. It never truly ends until you are on your death bed, and stayed sober the whole time. The danger of slipping back is always there.

With reconciliation after infidelity, you can definitely get to a place of forgiveness and recommitment, redo wedding vows, etc. But you are always a recovering victim of infidelity in some way. There is always a risk it could happen again.

I don't want to say that marriages can't thrive after infidelity, but I don't think there ever really is "closure" as you say. Very, very few people can truly say they've forgotten about it and have moved on with 100% trust and 0% fear of being bit by the snake again. All we can do is get to a spot that is comfortable enough, safe enough to feel all right, and love our spouses fully.
Totally agree, but it keeps getting better. My last big step forward was earlier this year.

Plus I think in a sense we are "recovering" before we cheat. My wife is an amazing woman, but the weakness in her that caused her to cheat was always there, and still is. It's about how we manage it. So while I would love to have the pre-affair innocence back, what we have now is based on a more realistic footing, therefore stronger. The pre-affair innocence was fog. That's why I can say it's the best it's ever been.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,699 Posts
But Gabriel if I read this I would think that the best option always is to walk away. Not judging, just asking since I have a "recovering cheater" who has been begging for another chance for 2 months and I just do not know.:(
Two months is not long.

I won't thread jack here, but if you have your own thread maybe post link to it? And if not, start one? Maybe some of us can give you ideas.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
I don't want to say that marriages can't thrive after infidelity, but I don't think there ever really is "closure" as you say. Very, very few people can truly say they've forgotten about it and have moved on with 100% trust and 0% fear of being bit by the snake again. All we can do is get to a spot that is comfortable enough, safe enough to feel all right, and love our spouses fully.
x1000
Closure is a fallacy. There's not a milestone becuase there's no a memory eraser or time machine. We keep growing everyday with whatever life trow us. We adapt.
 
1 - 20 of 39 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top