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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
After much persuasion to create a thread, here goes.

I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30. We have been married for 4 years and have an 18 month old daughter. I travel frequently for work and my wife is a SAHM.

In November, I started getting suspicious of my wife's behavior. Her data usage, text messaging and minutes all increased by at least 30% in a month's time. Not wanting to jump to conclusions and check the detailed record, I asked her if there was a reason. She immediately got defensive and said I was trying to control her. She said she was tired of living under my thumb and would be returning to work. I was okay with the idea, so we agreed that she would go to work and our daughter would start daycare. Everything was fine.

Three weeks later, while I was out of state, my neighbor called to tell me there was a man opening the front door to my house. I immediately called my wife and asked her if it was her brother, to which she hesitated and then said "yes". Suspicious, again, I hung up with her and immediately called her brother. He had not seen my wife all week. Thus, the digging began. The records indicated my wife had been texting and calling this man for four months. Sometimes, their phone conversations lasted for hours while I was at work. On weeks when I was out of town, there was very little phone communication, due to the fact that he was staying with her at my house.

I took the red eye home without her knowledge, went to a lawyer with my findings and finalized a legal separation. I called OM's wife and emailed her copies of the phone records, which resulted in her retaining a lawyer also.

Needless to say, my wife is furious with me now, and is threatening me. She's saying she's leaving the state with my daughter and I will only get to see her every other month and alternating holidays. I can't stand the thought of losing my daughter and am seriously considering reconciling with my wife, just for the sake of my kid. I know that's stupid but the father is not favored in SC custody cases.

My wife claims she is done with the OM. I wouldn't know, because she's no longer on my phone plan. She says they were just close friends and never physical but I don't believe that. She said he was an outlet because she got so lonely with me being gone all the time. Maybe I'm being too hard on her?
 

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Don't even attempt to communicate about reconciling with your wife until she gets to a better place (remorseful and honest at the very least) even if it is for you to spend more time with your kid.

I hope you got a good lawyer. Document all of her threats. I also live in a southern state that favors mothers, and I know that my fWW cannot up and move and only let me see the kids every other month.

Don't let her manipulate you with fear.

What does your lawyer say about custody?

Prepare for battle. I know it is tough, but it sounds like that what your divorce is shaping to be. Remember this is temporary, and your situation will change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
My lawyer said it is not likely I will be awarded custody unless I can prove that she is an unfit mother, which she is not. If custody is awarded to her, she can move.
 

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My wife claims she is done with the OM. I wouldn't know, because she's no longer on my phone plan. She says they were just close friends and never physical but I don't believe that.
Nor should you. If she had to continually lie to you in order to protect her relationship with this man, then they were much more than just friends.

She said he was an outlet because she got so lonely with me being gone all the time. Maybe I'm being too hard on her?
No excuse for an emotional affair (and this was likely a physical affair as well). If she was unhappy with you being gone all the time, she should have said something to you. If she really was just lonely and in need of a friend, she should have turned to some of her girlfriends, instead of starting up a new relationship with a strange man and carrying on this "friendship" behind your back.

Who initiated the phone plan change? Did you kick her off of yours as part of the separation agreement, or did she voluntarily get her own phone that you couldn't monitor anymore? If it's the latter, that's a possible red flag that her and the OM really aren't done. And if she's still not willing to admit that her and OM were more than friends, or that their relationship was wrong, then she's not remorseful. Do not pursue reconciliation. She needs to come around to that, if she wants to.

In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. See a lawyer about your child. Wish you the best.
 

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Good for you, for posting this, hon! You'll get some great advice, for sure. :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Who initiated the phone plan change? Did you kick her off of yours as part of the separation agreement, or did she voluntarily get her own phone that you couldn't monitor anymore? If it's the latter, that's a possible red flag that her and the OM really aren't done. And if she's still not willing to admit that her and OM were more than friends, or that their relationship was wrong, then she's not remorseful. Do not pursue reconciliation. She needs to come around to that, if she wants to.

In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. See a lawyer about your child. Wish you the best.
Thanks.

I dropped her from the phone plan. I also left the house which was obviously a mistake. Now I am paying the mortgage there and rent at my apartment.

She definitely is not remorseful. She blames it all on me, trying to make me feel guilty. Now she said this morning that my daughter has been crying for me at bedtime, since last Friday.
 

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Since you're paying for both either way, MOVE BACK INTO THE HOUSE!

Not being there could be viewed as abandonment! Talk to your lawyer about this! make sure he/she knows everything you've done and get them to educate you on the issues surrounding your child and custody and what the mother can/cannot do regarding moving!

The custody issues should have been discussed with your lawyer early on
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I am not sure if I can just move back in since the agreement says she will live in the house. I only signed a 3 month lease so it is up at the end of this month.
 

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I am not sure if I can just move back in since the agreement says she will live in the house.
Yep, you can.

Mr. Katy moved back into our home and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Please believe I asked around, too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Katy suggested I put recorders in the house so I plan to do that today when I go see my daughter. I doubt she will get back on my phone plan because she was so angry when I removed her.
 

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Katy suggested I put recorders in the house so I plan to do that today when I go see my daughter. I doubt she will get back on my phone plan because she was so angry when I removed her.
This is where it's dicey.

IF she wants reconciliation, putting the phone back where it belongs is part of the transparency necessary for that.

I would put a VAR under her car seat as well.



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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I don't think I even want to be with her. I just don't want to lose my daughter.

But I just talked to my lawyer and he said I can move back into the home but it will nullify the MSA.
 

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I don't think I even want to be with her. I just don't want to lose my daughter.

But I just talked to my lawyer and he said I can move back into the home but it will nullify the MSA.
Move back in to save your own ass. If she is still spreading her thighs to rando men, then she'll eventually get tired of being scrutinized and move out into her own place. Not before she blames you for it, though. ;)
 
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