[MIB]

I’ve considered posting a certain issue I have been thinking about, but reading other threads dissuades me from that. Some people take bits of info and weave a greater story that assumes much. Others seem to post answers related to their own bitterness. Others end up arguing with one another in the thread stream.

It just seems to get chaotic and jumbled with a lot of unhelpful banter.

I have reached out to a few folk in private when I had something to say. I feel more comfortable that way.

Have any of you skipped forum posting and went with private conversation instead?

 

[Diana7]

No. I see it as a forum for everyone to see and take part in..

 

[Openminded]

I’ve had posters PM me over the years. Most have been people seeking help but not everyone comes here with honest motives. I’ve heard of some shady stuff that has occurred through PMs so I prefer communicating on the open forum. However, if you find PMs more helpful then why not.

 

[Mr.Married]

It can be a free for all for sure. As you say some people are just bitter as hell and weave any small crumb of info as a definite cheater. However it is an easy guess sometimes because people show up here when they already have a gut feeling.

I would put it out there in the open because you will get more feedback that way. You can always ignore what you do not believe applies.

 

[DaringGreatly]

Everyone sees life and its situations through the filter of their own personal experiences, therefore opinions vary wildy.

Usually there are at least one or two posters not triggered by the subject matter that will give objective advice. Just learn to skip past the people who have been triggered or are pushing an agenda of their own and focus on the poster who give you advice you think is sound.

Good luck with your journey.

 

[Laurentium]

Some people take bits of info and weave a greater story that assumes much. Others seem to post answers related to their own bitterness. Others end up arguing with one another in the thread stream.

You can pick out the useful stuff from the thread. But also, it helps to be really careful how you frame your question.

 

[MIB]

Fair enough.

I’ll give this more thought.

 

[Sfort]

Yes, I have engaged with a number of people through private messaging and even through email. There has not been a single creepy exchange (at least on my party), and the interactions have been mutually beneficial. Case in point: I used to offer help to people suffering from retroactive jealousy. Because there are some many "experts" here who know nothing about RJ and say "get over it", which is not only not helpful, it exacerbates the problem, I now only offer my input through direct message or through email. I have several ongoing conversations with those people. Those conversations are helpful to them and to me. I don't know any of them or even their names. I'm not a professional counselor, I'm a sufferer.

You can learn a lot in private messages that you will not learn in the forum. Some of the creepiest people with ulterior motives have the highest post counts.

 

[BeyondRepair007]

Some people are timid and can't handle a large volume of chatter and reading pages and pages of opinions.

Others are overwhelmed at the negativity or cherry-picking of facts.

PM serves a purpose. But the best use of TAM is public posts if your skin is thick enough.

 

[D0nnivain]

Depends on the issue Some regular posters stand out as subject matter experts so I will occasionally direct a specific Q to them.

If the issue is more universal, even amid the chaos & the biases that others can bring to the table, sometimes it's good to hear from a wider variety of perspectives. As painful as it can be, I tend to learn more from the posts I disagree with because unless they are just mean-spirited hate, which does happen, often they make me think about things that never occurred to me.

 

[MIB]

Yes, I have engaged with a number of people through private messaging and even through email. There has not been a single creepy exchange (at least on my party), and the interactions have been mutually beneficial. Case in point: I used to offer help to people suffering from retroactive jealousy. Because there are some many "experts" here who know nothing about RJ and say "get over it", which is not only not helpful, it exacerbates the problem, I now only offer my input through direct mail or through email. I have several ongoing conversations with those people. Those conversations are helpful to them and to me. I don't know any of them or even their names. I'm not a professional counselor, I'm a sufferer.

You can learn a lot in private messages that you will not learn in the forum. Some of the creepiest people with ulterior motives have the highest post counts.

This right here. Compassionate and brutally honest, but eloquently spoken with real experience and appropriate solutions.

What I often see here is like:

”Hello. I messed up. It was wrong and I’m trying to figure out how to process this with my SO.”

”Hello. You really messed up. You were wrong. You need to figure out how to process this with your SO. I doubt they will ever trust you again. Good luck, but most likely, you're screwed.”

😂

 

[Sfort]

This right here. Compassionate and brutally honest, but eloquently spoken with real experience and appropriate solutions.

What I often see here is like:

”Hello. I messed up. It was wrong and I’m trying to figure out how to process this with my SO.”

”Hello. You really messed up. You were wrong. You need to figure out how to process this with your SO. I doubt they will ever trust you again. Good luck, but most likely, you're screwed.”

😂

You forgot, "You need to file for divorce immediately."

 

[D0nnivain]

You forgot, "You need to file for divorce immediately."

That one is rarely insightful. I try to avoid saying that unless the post is about on-going physical abuse. In that case I advocate calling the cops and divorce.

 

[gaius]

The last time I made a thread seeking advice (not here) the most insightful answer came from someone I didn't know that well and didn't expect.

So do whatever makes you comfortable but you lose that chance if you don't put yourself out there.

 

[Diana7]

Maybe many like to hear replies that agree with them? Hence they don't want a general mixture of answers?

 

[farsidejunky]

You can. I have had people reach out to me as well.

A more interesting question is this: how hard is it to take what applies and ignore the rest?

I ask that because my experience on this site was helped by multiple posters. Had I reached out to the most helpful person of those who truly helped, I still would have missed out on a tremendous amount of other useful posts.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[Inside_Looking_Out]

I have had a scant few personal messages with other posters, and they were helpful. I also don't want to wade through a barrage of 'just leave him', 'you are so stupid to stay' or other determinations I have clearly stated that I am NOT doing even if the peanut gallery feels I SHOULD. In that case, I find browsing through other threads is often more helpful than posting my own. I would be sad if the most pithy of posters and their observations were moved to private messages, I am often grateful for the insight, even when I didn't expect to come across it.

 

[MIB]

A more interesting question is this: how hard is it to take what applies and ignore the rest?

That‘s kinda what I do when I read others, which is why I wondered about skipping the others and seeking out more well rounded members who show a confident level of rational. Wondered if that was a known and accepted thing or if I would look creepy.

Sort of like the convenience of a text conversation instead of weeding through BS. I do have a thick skin and nothing would hurt me. It’s more that my ADHD mind prefers the simplicity of a direct conversation, maybe even including a handful of people.

That is the only reason I wondered about it. Not because I can’t take criticism or that I only want to hear certain responses.

 

[bobert]

I’ve considered posting a certain issue I have been thinking about, but reading other threads dissuades me from that. Some people take bits of info and weave a greater story that assumes much. Others seem to post answers related to their own bitterness. Others end up arguing with one another in the thread stream.

It just seems to get chaotic and jumbled with a lot of unhelpful banter.

I have reached out to a few folk in private when I had something to say. I feel more comfortable that way.

Have any of you skipped forum posting and went with private conversation instead?

I no longer find TAM a helpful or healthy place to be. At this point, it would be the last place I'd ever want to post looking for help.

So, I only talk to people privately now.

And honestly, driving people away like that is a shame.

It stops other people from benefiting from the advice, it stops you from receiving advice from someone else that could really help and if it goes far enough, it stops you from chiming in to help others.

Oh well.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

It's the wide variety of responses that I find helpful.
Every now and then I read a response that may from spot on to way not but in the larger discourse sometimes I read something that makes me think well I didn't see or think that, but I get sprinklings of concepts I hadn't thought of before, which helps me.

It's very rare I have pm chats just in general principal.