A little over a year ago, the wife and I went through the ilubnilwu thing. We sorted things out, fell back in love. Communication improved as did everything else. She quit the job that was driving her to insomnia and resulted in depression. The depression was treated and she started IC to deal with those problems as well as some repeated issues from childhood.
We’ve been good for the last 10 months and still are. Most of our marriage of 18 years has been good. She has improved admirably when it comes to affection and communication of feelings but still falls a little short adn I told her last night that its not good enough yet.
I’m ok with this if it is work in progress, but when it stalls or regresses it becomes an issue for me. This is made worse by my perception that she is not putting in the effort needed to improve or show me that she takes these things seriously. I take stuff like this much more seriously than before the blow up a year ago. I told her this last night in an effort to resolve it prior to me building up real resentment. She made some immediate commitments to improve and the conversation was overall good.
Before I go further I want to put this into context. Our relationship is an 8 out of 10. I want an 9 or better. This is not a situation where either of us is pondering leaving. This is an early communication of what will become a problem if we don’t work through this.
When I told her she should pick something and focus, she didn’t know what I meant. My thoughts are that she sees a problem or a goal as too big tackle and instead of breaking it down and then moving forward, she waits for some roadblock to go away or for it to work itself out. Her profession requires that she do this on a daily basis. She has to drive and plan very complex and long lasting projects, so this is not something unknown to her. She thinks she is doing something about it. I say that she is not. OK, that’s a bit judging… I know this is difficult for her. The issues are likely caused by the things she is still working through in IC.
So now after the background, the meat of my request: I have to wonder if I’m being impatient and carrying expectations too high that I should reset. So, am I out of line for wanting her to carry these last pieces across the finish line? If I am, what do I do about it? If I am not out of line, what is a reasonable course of action she could take to overcome issues and make these improvements?
The needs in question:
Books I’ve read:
We’ve been good for the last 10 months and still are. Most of our marriage of 18 years has been good. She has improved admirably when it comes to affection and communication of feelings but still falls a little short adn I told her last night that its not good enough yet.
I’m ok with this if it is work in progress, but when it stalls or regresses it becomes an issue for me. This is made worse by my perception that she is not putting in the effort needed to improve or show me that she takes these things seriously. I take stuff like this much more seriously than before the blow up a year ago. I told her this last night in an effort to resolve it prior to me building up real resentment. She made some immediate commitments to improve and the conversation was overall good.
Before I go further I want to put this into context. Our relationship is an 8 out of 10. I want an 9 or better. This is not a situation where either of us is pondering leaving. This is an early communication of what will become a problem if we don’t work through this.
When I told her she should pick something and focus, she didn’t know what I meant. My thoughts are that she sees a problem or a goal as too big tackle and instead of breaking it down and then moving forward, she waits for some roadblock to go away or for it to work itself out. Her profession requires that she do this on a daily basis. She has to drive and plan very complex and long lasting projects, so this is not something unknown to her. She thinks she is doing something about it. I say that she is not. OK, that’s a bit judging… I know this is difficult for her. The issues are likely caused by the things she is still working through in IC.
So now after the background, the meat of my request: I have to wonder if I’m being impatient and carrying expectations too high that I should reset. So, am I out of line for wanting her to carry these last pieces across the finish line? If I am, what do I do about it? If I am not out of line, what is a reasonable course of action she could take to overcome issues and make these improvements?
The needs in question:
- 1. Sexual Fulfilment – Frequency is fine 2 or 3+ per week. She is attractive and fit. She’s also responsive and engaged. The things that are lacking:
- oral sex (18 years, no problem with doing this and then none starting last year. Childhood abuse issues resurfaced now there is an aversion that needs to be overcome. This one causes me the most internal conflict) – medium priority but rising.
- More passion in her kissing – medium priority
- I desire more eye contact – Low priority
- Openness and honesty – mostly good. She has improved leaps and bounds here
- [*]Communicate the things that matter. She discounts important stuff, like how she feels about things. This is big to me because of some avoidant tendencies that helped lead to the blow up a year ago. – High priority
[*]Initiate a conversation even when she doesn’t have everything figured out when something is troubling her. – Low Priority
- She should more aggressively try to resolve these issues. – High Priority
- Communicate affection and admiration verbally – i.e. my “love languages” are words of affirmation and physical touch. – Medium Priority (as a counter, I need to refocus myself to her love language, acts of service)
Books I’ve read:
- His Needs Her Needs – great investment. We did the work books together and this was an excellent catalyst to improving our relationship at a very dark time. This is how I am able to put my finger on what is missing.
- 5 Love languages – eye opening
- MMSL – Sex life got better, lol.
- NMMNG – not me
- How We love – helped me understand the avoidant personality type. I’m a slight vacillator. Which makes me question whether or not I’m being fair in my expectations.