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I'm a divorce attorney. Can't tell you how many times I meet couples who thought they could make their marriage work by opening it up and then one of the partners gets attached to a new partner and brings everything crashing down. I'm frequently shocked by how people don't anticipate this possibility and how they think an open marriage creates a solid foundation for parenting of children. I find myself wanting to say "What did you expect?"
 

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I'm a divorce attorney. Can't tell you how many times I meet couples who thought they could make their marriage work by opening it up and then one of the partners gets attached to a new partner and brings everything crashing down. I'm frequently shocked by how people don't anticipate this possibility and how they think an open marriage creates a solid foundation for parenting of children. I find myself wanting to say "What did you expect?"
This doesn't surprise me (especially the lack of foresight and evaluation of consequences). They were probably headed for divorce regardless, and figured, why not? Then this issue becomes the focus of the breakup.

If my ex had offered an open marriage, I might have taken her up on it. No doubt I'd have left anyway, whether or not I met someone else who was better.
 

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This doesn't surprise me (especially the lack of foresight and evaluation of consequences). They were probably headed for divorce regardless, and figured, why not? Then this issue becomes the focus of the breakup.

If my ex had offered an open marriage, I might have taken her up on it. No doubt I'd have left anyway, whether or not I met someone else who was better.
Yes, I agree they probably would have gotten there sooner. But the divorce typically gets much harder once there's been a betrayal. And even though there was permission to sleep with someone else, there can still be a sense of betrayal, particularly when one is being left for another. People get surprised by how complex the emotions can be. Once again I find myself perplexed that they didn't see the potential challenges.
 

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I'm a divorce attorney. Can't tell you how many times I meet couples who thought they could make their marriage work by opening it up and then one of the partners gets attached to a new partner and brings everything crashing down. I'm frequently shocked by how people don't anticipate this possibility and how they think an open marriage creates a solid foundation for parenting of children. I find myself wanting to say "What did you expect?"
Pretty standard. If your marriage is not already stable, then opening it up isn't going to solve the problems already there.
 

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Why the hell do people cheat for sex? Does their hand stop working?

I have never understood it. Masturbate, and suddenly you aren't horny anymore.
 

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If sex is just about physical release, sure. It can be so many other things though. It can represent approval, a sort of ego gratification. It can be about emotional connection with the partner. For some, there's a spiritual dimension. This is not an exhaustive list. Just my very limited sense of some of the possibilities.

I do think that many people stray and then live to regret it. When they see the pain it causes a partner, or when they destroy a relationship, or when they realize they have to live with their own conscience.
 

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Just finished reading Eric Anderson’s book The Monogamy Gap, in which he opines that monogamy is a “prison” and against human nature, derived from religious strictures.
His basic argument is that cheating in marriage (primarily by men) is caused by a need for the excitement of other partners and new sexual experiences. He asserts that men want to be emotionally monogamous but “their body craves sex with other people”. Sort of a biologically driven addiction that requires great effort and willpower to overcome.
In a nutshell: marital sex becomes boring and unfulfilling after a year or two and they need to have the ability (and permission) to act on physical desires. It appears he is primarily discussing quick flings... when the see someone they consider ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’, they should not be forced to deny themselves. And they still have wife and family to go home to for emotional intimacy, home etc. (IMO - having the excitement but still having someone cook, clean, and raise his children to come home to after wild, animal sex.)
In interviews, he has agreed that while women cheat, their don’t have the overwhelming biological ‘need’ for frequent new sexual partners.
Basically saying marriage should be open sexually.
So - I am wondering if people agree with him, that marriage should not require monogamy, that freedom to satisfy one’s sexual desires should be a given, without societal recriminations, etc? Would women and men be as equally satisfied and likely to utilize the sexual freedom?
As an extension of this, do you believe love and sex are two different things (as in “being in love with” not love for parents, pets)?
Should physical intimacy and emotional intimacy be considered equally important and two separate things?
(And do you really think a man would be okay with his wife seeking sexual intimacy outside the marriage as he does?)
I’m not judging but very curious. As psychology college major (never used the degree tho) the book raised a lot of questions for me.
Just finished reading Eric Anderson’s book The Monogamy Gap, in which he opines that monogamy is a “prison” and against human nature, derived from religious strictures.
His basic argument is that cheating in marriage (primarily by men) is caused by a need for the excitement of other partners and new sexual experiences. He asserts that men want to be emotionally monogamous but “their body craves sex with other people”. Sort of a biologically driven addiction that requires great effort and willpower to overcome.
In a nutshell: marital sex becomes boring and unfulfilling after a year or two and they need to have the ability (and permission) to act on physical desires. It appears he is primarily discussing quick flings... when the see someone they consider ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’, they should not be forced to deny themselves. And they still have wife and family to go home to for emotional intimacy, home etc. (IMO - having the excitement but still having someone cook, clean, and raise his children to come home to after wild, animal sex.)
In interviews, he has agreed that while women cheat, their don’t have the overwhelming biological ‘need’ for frequent new sexual partners.
Basically saying marriage should be open sexually.
So - I am wondering if people agree with him, that marriage should not require monogamy, that freedom to satisfy one’s sexual desires should be a given, without societal recriminations, etc? Would women and men be as equally satisfied and likely to utilize the sexual freedom?
As an extension of this, do you believe love and sex are two different things (as in “being in love with” not love for parents, pets)?
Should physical intimacy and emotional intimacy be considered equally important and two separate things?
(And do you really think a man would be okay with his wife seeking sexual intimacy outside the marriage as he does?)
I’m not judging but very curious. As psychology college major (never used the degree tho) the book raised a lot of questions for me.
HE SOUNDS CRAZY WHY GET MARRIED IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP AROUND .
Just finished reading Eric Anderson’s book The Monogamy Gap, in which he opines that monogamy is a “prison” and against human nature, derived from religious strictures.
His basic argument is that cheating in marriage (primarily by men) is caused by a need for the excitement of other partners and new sexual experiences. He asserts that men want to be emotionally monogamous but “their body craves sex with other people”. Sort of a biologically driven addiction that requires great effort and willpower to overcome.
In a nutshell: marital sex becomes boring and unfulfilling after a year or two and they need to have the ability (and permission) to act on physical desires. It appears he is primarily discussing quick flings... when the see someone they consider ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’, they should not be forced to deny themselves. And they still have wife and family to go home to for emotional intimacy, home etc. (IMO - having the excitement but still having someone cook, clean, and raise his children to come home to after wild, animal sex.)
In interviews, he has agreed that while women cheat, their don’t have the overwhelming biological ‘need’ for frequent new sexual partners.
Basically saying marriage should be open sexually.
So - I am wondering if people agree with him, that marriage should not require monogamy, that freedom to satisfy one’s sexual desires should be a given, without societal recriminations, etc? Would women and men be as equally satisfied and likely to utilize the sexual freedom?
As an extension of this, do you believe love and sex are two different things (as in “being in love with” not love for parents, pets)?
Should physical intimacy and emotional intimacy be considered equally important and two separate things?
(And do you really think a man would be okay with his wife seeking sexual intimacy outside the marriage as he does?)
I’m not judging but very curious. As psychology college major (never used the degree tho) the book raised a lot of questions for me.
 

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Why the hell do people cheat for sex? Does their hand stop working?

I have never understood it. Masturbate, and suddenly you aren't horny anymore.
My first marriage was sexless or almost sexless for the last year, and I can tell you it was pretty hurtful. It wasn’t just the horniness that was the problem, it was the distance and coldness in the relationship that really hurt.

However, I didn’t cheat on her, even when I had opportunities. She had been cheating on me however, and that was a driver behind her no longer wanting to have sex with me.
 

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My first marriage was sexless or almost sexless for the last year, and I can tell you it was pretty hurtful. It wasn’t just the horniness that was the problem, it was the distance and coldness in the relationship that really hurt.

However, I didn’t cheat on her, even when I had opportunities. She had been cheating on me however, and that was a driver behind her no longer wanting to have sex with me.
Wow I am so sorry that you went through this you deserve better, if you are willing maybe try therapy but for me it would be a deal breaker good luck .
 

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Wow I am so sorry that you went through this you deserve better, if you are willing maybe try therapy but for me it would be a deal breaker good luck .
Oh, don’t worry about me. That was more than 20 years ago. She left, I partied my ass off, met my new wife, and we’ve been together almost 20 years.
 

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Why the hell do people cheat for sex? Does their hand stop working?

I have never understood it. Masturbate, and suddenly you aren't horny anymore.
My hand will never desire me sexually, no matter how much I sweet talk it.

Reminds me of the joke a friend told in college. He pours part of a beer over his hand. When someone asks what the hell he's doing, he replies "just getting my date drunk".
 

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Just finished reading Eric Anderson’s book The Monogamy Gap, in which he opines that monogamy is a “prison” and against human nature, derived from religious strictures.
His basic argument is that cheating in marriage (primarily by men) is caused by a need for the excitement of other partners and new sexual experiences. He asserts that men want to be emotionally monogamous but “their body craves sex with other people”. Sort of a biologically driven addiction that requires great effort and willpower to overcome.
In a nutshell: marital sex becomes boring and unfulfilling after a year or two and they need to have the ability (and permission) to act on physical desires. It appears he is primarily discussing quick flings... when the see someone they consider ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’, they should not be forced to deny themselves. And they still have wife and family to go home to for emotional intimacy, home etc. (IMO - having the excitement but still having someone cook, clean, and raise his children to come home to after wild, animal sex.)
In interviews, he has agreed that while women cheat, their don’t have the overwhelming biological ‘need’ for frequent new sexual partners.
Basically saying marriage should be open sexually.
So - I am wondering if people agree with him, that marriage should not require monogamy, that freedom to satisfy one’s sexual desires should be a given, without societal recriminations, etc? Would women and men be as equally satisfied and likely to utilize the sexual freedom?
As an extension of this, do you believe love and sex are two different things (as in “being in love with” not love for parents, pets)?
Should physical intimacy and emotional intimacy be considered equally important and two separate things?
(And do you really think a man would be okay with his wife seeking sexual intimacy outside the marriage as he does?)
I’m not judging but very curious. As psychology college major (never used the degree tho) the book raised a lot of questions for me.
Hello, I believe the author of the book is incorrect. If we think about it closely, considering this is a psychology course, animals that run around mating with different "partners" do not psychologize their mating rituals. They are incapable of being able to choose, and do not have intimate emotions as do humans, so I find it odd that this reading material would be associated with a psychology course. Mere animals lack the brain matter for physical intimacy, even though quite a few animals are monogamous, not to say that it's their conscious choice to be that way, it's just nature running it's course.
Humans, on the other hand, can choose. We do choose. Physical and emotional intimacy are not different. A physical act is merely "animal" with no intimate emotions unless there is an emotional connection. I hope I'm making sense.
This subject has been argued basically forever. :)
I say, let's look at the physical human body and move away from emotions altogether. What happens when a woman has multiple partners? She gets disease. I'm not saying that the man has to have an STD. I'm saying that multiple partners affect a woman's flora. She must adapt to her male partner. If she changes partners, then her body will react to the different male's body fluids as if they are foreign and invaders, her cervix gets "sick" so to speak. She becomes very susceptible to bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, and other maladies. We don't see condoms in nature, so to say "use a condom" doesn't address the human condition.
The author of this book, in my opinion, has a very sexist, actually misogynistic view of women, possibly even be a narcisist. I say this because women cook, clean, care for children, the home, etc. out of love and devotion, not out of pure instinct (although I must say there are some women that have a "knack" for it where others do not.)
A good study would be to watch the show "Sister Wives." This show features a polygamist man married to 4 different women. The very dynamics will show you how unhealthy the whole situation is, how the women are depressed, angry and extremely jealous of one another. After watching a few episodes, it's not hard to figure out the pecking order and what is most likely going on behind the scenes.
Intimacy during sex is getting to really know the other person at a very deep level and can hardly be put into a few words, hence the millions of love songs expressing the same thing, but in different words.
Great topic!
 

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You keep trying to say that this is how things REALLY are for men and women, but your proof is just anecdotal...there are studies by psychologists that prove otherwise. YES, there are exceptions, but what you keep trying to state is not the norm. And everyone I've ever talked to (or read about) who cheated or considered it, or even had multiple partners, were overwhelmingly opposite of what you heard from your acquaintances or friends - the people I talked to may have had different ways of explaining how they felt, but when examined, their "drivers" fell along stereotypical lines.

I don't think it matters to note the reasons, except that it's important to have the correct information in order to help people identify their needs better so they can find ways to have them met. And like I said, there ARE exceptions, and I DO believe that men get emotionally attached through sex, and women can avoid it. But remember also, only WOMEN have a biological hormonal attachment response from having sex - men do not. So it would make sense that women seek and form romantic emotional attachments more easily than men. And because of the biology of it, it's NOT sexist to assume that either.
I'm actually in agreement with him.

Women pretty much cheat for the same reasons men do.

Women love hot sex and are just as tempted to take a hot guy for a spin for the pleasure of it as a man.

A lot of the "trusted" research is based on very outdated and proven wrong concepts about women's sexuality.

I have a lot of personal, or anecdotal, evidence that falls directly in line with more up to date studies on women and sex.

I've had young mother's, holding their infants, offer me afternoon delight with absolutely no intention of leaving their husbands or connecting with me in any other way than sexual.
 

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I'm actually in agreement with him.

Women pretty much cheat for the same reasons men do.

Women love hot sex and are just as tempted to take a hot guy for a spin for the pleasure of it as a man.

A lot of the "trusted" research is based on very outdated and proven wrong concepts about women's sexuality.

I have a lot of personal, or anecdotal, evidence that falls directly in line with more up to date studies on women and sex.

I've had young mother's, holding their infants, offer me afternoon delight with absolutely no intention of leaving their husbands or connecting with me in any other way than sexual.
I agree. Women are just as likely to have a "fling" for the sexual thrill when they are in an otherwise happy marriage. This is my experience with what happen with my STBXW.

For all the differences between men and women, some things are universal whether we want to admit them or not.
 

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About the OP.....

The author is simply pathetic if he believes the drivel proposed in the opening post.

Women like strange just as much as men.
 
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