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Just finished reading Eric Anderson’s book The Monogamy Gap, in which he opines that monogamy is a “prison” and against human nature, derived from religious strictures.
His basic argument is that cheating in marriage (primarily by men) is caused by a need for the excitement of other partners and new sexual experiences. He asserts that men want to be emotionally monogamous but “their body craves sex with other people”. Sort of a biologically driven addiction that requires great effort and willpower to overcome.
In a nutshell: marital sex becomes boring and unfulfilling after a year or two and they need to have the ability (and permission) to act on physical desires. It appears he is primarily discussing quick flings... when the see someone they consider ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’, they should not be forced to deny themselves. And they still have wife and family to go home to for emotional intimacy, home etc. (IMO - having the excitement but still having someone cook, clean, and raise his children to come home to after wild, animal sex.)
In interviews, he has agreed that while women cheat, their don’t have the overwhelming biological ‘need’ for frequent new sexual partners.
Basically saying marriage should be open sexually.
So - I am wondering if people agree with him, that marriage should not require monogamy, that freedom to satisfy one’s sexual desires should be a given, without societal recriminations, etc? Would women and men be as equally satisfied and likely to utilize the sexual freedom?
As an extension of this, do you believe love and sex are two different things (as in “being in love with” not love for parents, pets)?
Should physical intimacy and emotional intimacy be considered equally important and two separate things?
(And do you really think a man would be okay with his wife seeking sexual intimacy outside the marriage as he does?)
I’m not judging but very curious. As psychology college major (never used the degree tho) the book raised a lot of questions for me.
 

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In interviews, he has agreed that while women cheat, their don’t have the overwhelming biological ‘need’ for frequent new sexual partners.
If there aren't many women who have a need for frequent new sexual partners, WHERE are all these married men going to find hot, sexy women who want emotionless "wild, animal sex" with them...??

I always find it a little humorous that some men think that there are just oodles of interested, available women waiting to have flings with them. I mean, I know there are SOME women like that, sure, but the fantasy that "opening" their marriages will mean that they (men) will get to bang every sexy, exciting woman they see is quite FALSE.

I also think your last question should be, "do you really think most WOMEN would be understanding of their man's 'need' to put in the effort to have wild, animal sex with some other woman, instead of with them"...because I don't think there will be many men getting married without monogamy (or at least the illusion of it) -- and nevermind MARRIAGE - I don't want to have ANY sexual relationship without monogamy!!
 

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Who is that Belgian woman that sells similar schlock. She had a fairly interview in the Financial Times about 2 years. Supposedly, corporate are buying her advice.
 

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Lots of senseless and thoughtless hostility so far (predictable), and probably no one but the OP has read the book or even the description and reviews on amazon. I haven't read it either (but ordered it), but have read about it and think it would make an interesting read. I know I won't agree with all of it, but there is clearly something to learn if you want to. Most people want monogamy - or at least espouse it - and many cheat anyway. Some are ethically non-monogamous, not having bought into the idea in the first place. Obviously there are depths to human desire and nature that the standard monogamous narrative doesn't address - in fact, they're usually covered up.
 

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So - I am wondering if people agree with him, that marriage should not require monogamy, that freedom to satisfy one’s sexual desires should be a given, without societal recriminations, etc?
IMO, marriage should be what the participants agree to. If that means they agree to monogamy, then that's great. If they agree to something else, then they need to establish just what that is, how it will work, and appropriate rules and boundaries that they may agree to change with time and experience. The problem with all such agreements is that people and circumstances change, and the agreements are relatively inflexible. Some people cheat, some live with unhappiness, some divorce. Human nature isn't going to change, but the nature of relationships (esp. marriage) can - and has constantly changed over time and across (and within) cultures.
 

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So, MEN should be able to go bang whoever they want because the "need" to act on their desires, and the little wifey will be there waiting for him to come home and be with her to do all the cookin' and cleanin' and taking care of the kids:

And they still have wife and family to go home to for emotional intimacy, home etc. (IMO - having the excitement but still having someone cook, clean, and raise his children to come home to after wild, animal sex.)
Why the hell can't you have wild animal sex WITH YOUR WIFE??? What is wrong with THAT idea?

What about the fact that about the same amount of WOMEN now cheat in their marriages. That being the case, but women "their don’t have the overwhelming biological ‘need’ for frequent new sexual partners. "
SO, why do they cheat?

Seems like a REALLY poor try to defend (or self-delude about) cheating. People go to amazing extremes to defend or come up with reasons WHY they should do something, but it's really just twisting or spin doctoring to try to make it seem SO reasonable.

Look at the thread about Christian Swingers.
 

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Well, what do I know. I only have my own experience to go by. The theory doesn't match the data to me.
I do know one man who got bored every few years. He also had a serious problem with selecting crazy. He finally got his head on straight. The solution was never more partners.
 

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We already have that. It's called open marriage. While you cannot go down to the county clerk and get an Open Marriage Certificate, the authorities won't come banging down your door if you have one. Everything he wants is already available if you can find a willing partner.

That it is so almost universally frowned on by the members here, even for willing participants, makes me think we are a long way from having it common and socially accepted. But it might happen one day. We have gay marriage now, unheard of at my birth. One thing is for certain - it will never be for everyone.
 

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I think it's gross from a biological standpoint just for starters. I sure don't want to be having sex with a man who is currently having sex with other women.

Isn't the first suggestion we give people here who even suspect a spouse is cheating ---go get tested for STD/STI? Anytime you have a new partner you are potentially exposed to a whole slew of infections. Yeah, they really are common.
 

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Lots of senseless and thoughtless hostility so far (predictable), and probably no one but the OP has read the book or even the description and reviews on amazon. I haven't read it either (but ordered it), but have read about it and think it would make an interesting read. I know I won't agree with all of it, but there is clearly something to learn if you want to. Most people want monogamy - or at least espouse it - and many cheat anyway. Some are ethically non-monogamous, not having bought into the idea in the first place. Obviously there are depths to human desire and nature that the standard monogamous narrative doesn't address - in fact, they're usually covered up.
I have NO hostility or judgement against open marriages or relationships at all, but I definitely didn't like how the OP described the author as saying that marriages should be open to satisfy the husband's needs for more variety, and what sounds to me like the opportunity to USE others for sexual gratification, and then USE his wife for his emotional gratification. I realize this is a generalization, but so was his description, and that's what I was reacting to.

Most sex is going to have an emotional cost, and men who think that there are tons of single women who would be thrilled to have NSA sex with them are wrong.
 

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@LisaDiane, those are valid points. I plan to read the book and will see if that's the author's perspective, or just the way the OP described it. I am totally against men using women for their own gratification. I also feel that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, so if an open relationship is good for some men, it is surely also good for some women.
 

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@LisaDiane, those are valid points. I plan to read the book and will see if that's the author's perspective, or just the way the OP described it. I am totally against men using women for their own gratification. I also feel that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, so if an open relationship is good for some men, it is surely also good for some women.
How in our modern society can a man use a woman for his gratification, outside of some fringe religious groups?

If a woman agrees to sex with a man to whom she is not married, she has agreed to playing an active role in his gratification, and presumably to hers as well. What am I misunderstanding?
 

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How in our modern society can a man use a woman for his gratification, outside of some fringe religious groups?

If a woman agrees to sex with a man to whom she is not married, she has agreed to playing an active role in his gratification, and presumably to hers as well. What am I misunderstanding?
Well, it's known that men sometimes lie about their intentions towards a woman, but of course not all women care. Sometimes both just want a sexual experience, and sometimes one wants something more than that.
 

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I think the concept of "men don't want to be mono" is kid of silly. I don't really believe that it is biological either.

Further, women also like sex, just like men, some cheat and some don't. I did read a study that women tend to lose attraction to me faster than men do for women. I think that might be true but who really knows.

When I am with someone that I am in love with I have no trouble being mono. I do not get tired of my partner as long as WE are ok and the relationship is good.

When I am single, I am not Mono, very much NOT MONO but that is just me.

I think people can choose to do what they want to do, as long as everyone is honest and truthful. That is what i have an issue with.

I will say that i cannot be as attached to someone if her and I are causal or open. For men, if the relationship is serious then we are mono....

Not everyone feels that way and i am totally cool with that...
 

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Seeing as I asked to open my current marriage, you might be inclined to think I would agree with the author.
But I don't.

Monnagmy is not a prison if you are monogamous through and through.

It is also not totally derived from religious strictures, in my opinion, as plenty of non religious people want monogamy.
So the feeling and need for it must be part of human nature.

If marital sex becomes boring after a year or two, one of you isn't very good at it.

Honestly, he sounds like a lech, trying to justify himself.
"Not be forced to deny themselves" seriously!

And what about the wives? There are plenty of wives with desires just as strong, if not stronger.

I'm all in favour of a couple agreeing on what the terms of their own marriage are.
But he seems to only be looking at sexually favourable terms for himself/men, a wannabe hothusband as it were, and us women get to be their cuckqueens.
 

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How in our modern society can a man use a woman for his gratification, outside of some fringe religious groups?

If a woman agrees to sex with a man to whom she is not married, she has agreed to playing an active role in his gratification, and presumably to hers as well. What am I misunderstanding?
Well, I meant the CONCEPT of "using" others, and that it will be unappealing to most women if honestly presented.

But even IF a woman agrees to it, she is agreeing to be USED...and so is he...the "consent" doesn't change the situation, and the fact that both people are using eachother as objects.
 

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@LisaDiane, those are valid points. I plan to read the book and will see if that's the author's perspective, or just the way the OP described it. I am totally against men using women for their own gratification. I also feel that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, so if an open relationship is good for some men, it is surely also good for some women.
I almost wish you had already read the book, because I would love to hear what your opinions of it are!
 

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There is an emotional component to physical intimacy. I cannot imagine having my needs met by someone other than my wife with the expectation that there would be no fallout. Some may crave multiple partners, but I don't think many lifelong commitments would survive much of that. How would that make the wife feel? What if you like it more with the new girl? What if this results in the wife not having her physical needs met? What if the new girl becomes attached to you? What about jealousy? There are numerous traps here
 
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