[In The Dark]

Is it me or is infidelity happening at epidemic proportions? Just ran into the fourth friend within the past two months whose wife left to go play the field or was cheating(or both). Maybe I'm just more aware but it seems to be everywhere these days.

Interesting notes from my view point: Three of the guys were what I would consider beta/nice guys and one was alpha. All four women were higher in sex rank than their spouses(in my opinion). Three of them lived in my old neighborhood(we moved to get away from OM in my wife's EA and a toxic friend). Funny but I don't think any of them knew one another.

It just seems that all these 35-45 year old women are trying to re-live their youth. I've noticed this common theme lately.

But it is not one sided. One of my best friends cheated on his wife this past year and is now married to OW. I really let him have it.

It just seems everywhere these days.

 

[LetDownNTX]

I have noticed the same thing and its sickening. Its like no one values their morals and vows anymore!

 

[In_The_Wind]

Well and the media portrays this stuff as well also helps to influence folks why look at myself heaven forbid i change me I am just going to change my feelings no one will know ya right famous last words

 

[2ntnuf]

It's a big business. There is a lot of money to be made and little conscience in the world. Besides, what would we do with all the attorneys coming out of college?

Soul Asylum - Misery - YouTube

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

I often wonder if its just 'Red Car Syndrome' myself.

 

[In The Dark]

I often wonder if its just 'Red Car Syndrome' myself.

I wondered the same thing myself. I notice it so much more after my wife's EA. But surely I would have noticed all these guys getting divorced without our issues.

It seems like everybody is afraid they are missing out on the mid-life adult single scene. All of them seem to think they are "entitled" to a "happier" life and these husbands/wives and kids are holding them back.

People really are dumb and shallow aren't they?

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

People really are dumb and shallow aren't they?

'fraid so.

 

[Thor]

I hear a lot of stories from coworkers about their wives cheating while hubby is away on an overnight. It does seem a lot more prevalent today than years ago.

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

I found myself feeling kind of depressed about it today -- some of the stories on TAM and friends and folk around, it really does seem like it's more prevalent, at least on a certain level. We were talking about it last night, (FWH y yo), and I was saying exactly this, that there just seems to be so much more of it, and that the current society, the modern world just seems to have made it that much more accessible. It's just that much easier. He pointed out that it's always been around, but at least it seemed like folk had to really work hard to screw up, eh? I think of the rambling man, Woodie Guthrie. His wife put up with it, but he was a traveling bard, part of the package. (Really, that goes with the territory of the musician, it seems at any age. But then of course there are the exceptions.) The Statesmen overseas -- you had John Adams, faithful. Ben Franklin, not so much. But they were separated from their wives for big chunks of time, but reacted differently.

These days there are just so many ways to cheat and it seems like there's a climate of looking the other way. It's not until it happens to you (and you care) that you realize that all of these somewhat "acceptible" things like flirting are just not cool if you're married. It's the education we never wanted.

Just the other day we had a neighborhood fall festival. A friend came with her husband but had to leave early to take a client of their company to dinner. As she was leaving I asked her husband if he was driving separately. He said "oh no, she's entertaining him all by herself, and she tried to leave her wedding ring at home." I said "what?" laughing. He said "It's true, ask her"....It was all a joke but he had an element of seriousness. I dropped by their house a couple of days later to return a dish and she was just leaving to go to a board meeting. Who dresses like that to go to a board meeting? And she probably was.....but wow, though she looked great, that musta been some board meeting to get that decked out. It seems there's a whole lotta prowl goin on these days.

 

[Labcoat]

It seems like everybody is afraid they are missing out on the mid-life adult single scene. All of them seem to think they are "entitled" to a "happier" life and these husbands/wives and kids are holding them back.

From what I've seen so far, I cannot understand what people think they are missing out on. The women, especially, seem pretty pathetic, holding out hope that they will stumble into the realm of everlasting rainbows and unicorns. But, at the same time, revealing themselves to be snarky, angry biddies right away.

Being that I am a male at the younger edge of this cohort, I can avoid it all by sticking with 20-somethings and not look ridiculous. That said, I haven't had any moment where I thought to myself, "God I'm so glad to be a single 30-something, this is awesome!" I got laid enough in my 20s.

 

[Numb-badger]

I once used to think that I was lucky, that I was the only man in my circle who hadn't been cheated on.

Until 12 may 2011 that was!

 

[C-man]

My wife had an EA which became a PA - she lied about it for 3 years even though the PA lasted only one summer.

I think it's easier for women to have an EA now because of texting and the Internet. Women have affairs for different reasons - so starting off with an EA via texting is very easy. It's so easy to flirt by text. And once they have the emotional attachment of an EA, it's easy for the OM to turn it into a PA, especially if he is a horny sleazeball 13 years younger (like in my case). And once the emotional switch (to you) is turned off, it's very difficult to get it turned back on.

 

[warlock07]

I think to some extent, it is because of the sexual liberation of women in the digital age..If you are a woman, it is very little work to start an affair..men find it much harder to find women to cheat with(or the number would be more). Some women suddenly realize the power they hold and how easy for them to have an affair, they go on having one very easily without thinking about repercussions..Power corrupts. Many do it for the ego boosts. In this case, it is the women that have the power...

 

[Numb-badger]

Power corrupts. Many do it for the ego boosts. In this case, it is the women that have the power...

Back in 03 a co-worker once stopped talking to me because I refused her advances. She was offended that I chose my wife over her! (yeah, that worked out well )

 

[Labcoat]

Some women suddenly realize the power they hold and how easy for them to have an affair, they go on having one very easily without thinking about repercussions..Power corrupts. Many do it for the ego boosts. In this case, it is the women that have the power...

Yeah, but I wouldn't be surprised if they totally misinterpret that power. They think that because a man is willing to f*ck them, he actually cares about them. A lot of these women crave the deep connection and romance promised to them by Hollywood, but just end up with little more than a clandestine f*ck buddy.

There's another class of women who don't suddenly realize that they have this power at 30 because, well, they realized they had it at 20. They used it and abused it back then, got burned but learned about men in the process. As a result, they are less likely to buy into the rainbows and unicorns nonsense that the typical WW goes running after.

 

[Entropy3000]

Yes. I think it is for any number of reasons. Indeed people cheated before. But I think it has gone viral.

I agree with Warlock, it is very easy now for women to cheat. They decide for the most part. Sure men can hire prostitutes.

We as a society have not adapted to the media explosion. Facebook, email, texting / sexting, hookup sites, cell phones / burner phones and so on. Instant gratification.

Adultry is not illegal and there in most cases is no cost to this. In fact for many it is a you go girl world. The rationalization is some how that men have done this for years. Yes indeed "some" men have done this for years. However this "feels" like it is becoming more mainstream for way too many women.

Also we let the OM / OW off free. There is no cost to being a predator. Some men and women get off on stealing spouses from others. Some even contend they have every right to do so.

There is way less risk for women to have affairs now. Money in the typical family is no longer skewed towards the husband as provider. Laws and dual incomes make it much easier for a woman to just walk away.

Arguably there are way more opportunities for women to have affairs than there used to be. The work place is the easiest place to fall into an EA. But the SAHM who is on facebook is no longer isolated. In my own case I was naive and got involved in en EA with a woman at my workplace. My field was one that was heavily male dominated. No excuse for me but this was classic.

I see the continual push on internet forums that insist that women have a right to very close male friends even when married. This is a point of continual debate but the trend seems to be to be ok with what at least I call dating, one on one alone time with OSFs. There are many men who push for this as well but we have identified that many women contend that they are not drawn sexually to these men and even though the men may be to them it is ok because it is their choice. Of course this completely discounts the number one cause of affairs ... EAs. We bond with friends. Duh!

There is also the arguments over GNOs. Most mainstream TAMers agree that GNOs are essentail in a happy marriage. However there is constant debate over bars, clubs and dancing. For the most part when men go out to bars they donot get hit on. For the most part women do. For the most part if a man wants to pickup a woman he has to really work for it. For the most part an average woman can decide if she is going to have sex tonight or not.

What happens in Vegas ... stays in Vegas. WTF. This is true for men and women. But this is one of those places where I think women are trying to out due the guys again. And as for men ... really ... lap dances?

In fact I see where the ladies just want to break down all the barriers and have some idea of what men have been doing and they want to claim the right to debase themselves just like these iconic men. This is the way it "feels" anyways. The I can do anything with my body attitude pushes the envelope beyond pregnancy to a more literal form. We see this all the time, it is fine as long as the wife comes home all revved up for her hubby ... Right.

It is just flat more acceptable for a woman to cheat on her neglectful man that is always working ... That she is not getting attention from her man and therefore has every right to seek this attention from other men. I think in general it is more acceptabe for people to "grow apart" and cheat.

One continuing theme though is the marriage where there are children and the guy discovers his wife is cheating and he puts up with it because of fear of losing his children. This is a real fear for the huband as he is most likely going to have to settl for visitation and most likely some other guy will be with his wife and children much of the time in a house he paid the lion share for. This is common. Is this always the case? Maybe not but it is in the mind of the husband. This seems to be the big trump card. It is heart wrenching to watch.

My comments are very skewed towards women. I know. My point is that with all the change over the past few decades women are trying to adapt. For some it is a freefall. It is because women choose and that one has to ask oneself what has changed over the past fifty years. Birth control, more women in the workplace making serious money, technology, attitudes, laws changing ... My comments are from a man's POV. I have no doubt that an intelligent argument can be made skewed towards men.

Many men have good intentions but seem to be compromising their boundaries. This seems to be a social conditioning thing IMO.

Also are people just not getting married any more? Seems like people are in LTRs but are just not willing to fully commit.

Trust me there are a lot of sleazeball men out there. Probably 50/50 on the sleazeball. I just think there are also a lot of hardworking nice guys out there that are being blindsided thinking they are taking care of their families. Yes there are many many women being mistreated by jerks as well. The fact is that men and women are cheating with each other. Society now says this is ok. In fact if you do not go along with it, there is something wrong with you.

Oh and one last thought ... sex is just sex. That is a popular idea. No big deal. It is just sex.

 

[C-man]

I think my wife is typical of the trend - because most of her friends are the same (everyone she hangs out with is divorced or separated).

Mid 40's. Successful. Attractive but deathly afraid of aging, so try to look and act 10 years younger. Cruise clubs looking for younger guys or spend time hooking friends up because the guy is not really interested in them.

My wife's friends have spent 2 years as it turns out - trying to match her with single guys. It's beyond pathetic. Trying to imagine my wife and her friends in 5 years when gravity and age wins over botox. I don't think their 30 something boyfriends will be faithful. Do you?

Oh well. I am concentrating on the kids and myself and know that I will find another woman who will be a better match.

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

I heard an interesting quick quip on the radio this morning taking the kids to school (yes they heard it) -- in context of the Petreaus scandal.

The quip was that this modern digital age is actually KILLING "discreet affairs" --- In other words more affairs are being exposed because of the proliferation of emails/txts/cell phones and the ability to crack these methods.

An interestng twist to the thought of the increase of affairs due to these things. I think it's both.

And as far as more women having affairs.... for every woman in it there has to be a man unless it's a SS affair. I think because so many of these affairs are starting with EA's in the workplace though, that the WW's role in it is becoming more public. Before men could "discretely" have their mistress on the side. Or yes, sex for hire (but please, a small number of women indulged in gigolos). With exception of the vested mistress these all lacked the emotional component. Now the playing field is leveled.

I will say there are enough SAHM's who had all the "regular" reasons to be the WS but didn't! (Neglected emotionally, doing all the work and could've looked for support elsewhere....but it actually ENABLED the husband who carried the power and little of the work at home to go off and have an affair with someone in the office who he saw (passively perhaps) as carrying equal weight with him. Not healthy. So really I think it comes down to -- who's more selfish? We're all selfish in one way or another - it's the human condition. But it's whether or not you give into it and put your needs above those to whom you've pledged your life. Male or female.

 

[In The Dark]

Yes. I think it is for any number of reasons. Indeed people cheated before. But I think it has gone viral.

I agree with Warlock, it is very easy now for women to cheat. They decide for the most part. Sure men can hire prostitutes.

We as a society have not adapted to the media explosion. Facebook, email, texting / sexting, hookup sites, cell phones / burner phones and so on. Instant gratification.

Adultry is not illegal and there in most cases is no cost to this. In fact for many it is a you go girl world. The rationalization is some how that men have done this for years. Yes indeed "some" men have done this for years. However this "feels" like it is becoming more mainstream for way too many women.

Also we let the OM / OW off free. There is no cost to being a predator. Some men and women get off on stealing spouses from others. Some even contend they have every right to do so.

There is way less risk for women to have affairs now. Money in the typical family is no longer skewed towards the husband as provider. Laws and dual incomes make it much easier for a woman to just walk away.

Arguably there are way more opportunities for women to have affairs than there used to be. The work place is the easiest place to fall into an EA. But the SAHM who is on facebook is no longer isolated. In my own case I was naive and got involved in en EA with a woman at my workplace. My field was one that was heavily male dominated. No excuse for me but this was classic.

I see the continual push on internet forums that insist that women have a right to very close male friends even when married. This is a point of continual debate but the trend seems to be to be ok with what at least I call dating, one on one alone time with OSFs. There are many men who push for this as well but we have identified that many women contend that they are not drawn sexually to these men and even though the men may be to them it is ok because it is their choice. Of course this completely discounts the number one cause of affairs ... EAs. We bond with friends. Duh!

There is also the arguments over GNOs. Most mainstream TAMers agree that GNOs are essentail in a happy marriage. However there is constant debate over bars, clubs and dancing. For the most part when men go out to bars they donot get hit on. For the most part women do. For the most part if a man wants to pickup a woman he has to really work for it. For the most part an average woman can decide if she is going to have sex tonight or not.

What happens in Vegas ... stays in Vegas. WTF. This is true for men and women. But this is one of those places where I think women are trying to out due the guys again. And as for men ... really ... lap dances?

In fact I see where the ladies just want to break down all the barriers and have some idea of what men have been doing and they want to claim the right to debase themselves just like these iconic men. This is the way it "feels" anyways. The I can do anything with my body attitude pushes the envelope beyond pregnancy to a more literal form. We see this all the time, it is fine as long as the wife comes home all revved up for her hubby ... Right.

It is just flat more acceptable for a woman to cheat on her neglectful man that is always working ... That she is not getting attention from her man and therefore has every right to seek this attention from other men. I think in general it is more acceptabe for people to "grow apart" and cheat.
One continuing theme though is the marriage where there are children and the guy discovers his wife is cheating and he puts up with it because of fear of losing his children. This is a real fear for the huband as he is most likely going to have to settl for visitation and most likely some other guy will be with his wife and children much of the time in a house he paid the lion share for. This is common. Is this always the case? Maybe not but it is in the mind of the husband. This seems to be the big trump card. It is heart wrenching to watch.

My comments are very skewed towards women. I know. My point is that with all the change over the past few decades women are trying to adapt. For some it is a freefall. It is because women choose and that one has to ask oneself what has changed over the past fifty years. Birth control, more women in the workplace making serious money, technology, attitudes, laws changing ... My comments are from a man's POV. I have no doubt that an intelligent argument can be made skewed towards men.

Many men have good intentions but seem to be compromising their boundaries. This seems to be a social conditioning thing IMO.

Also are people just not getting married any more? Seems like people are in LTRs but are just not willing to fully commit.

Trust me there are a lot of sleazeball men out there. Probably 50/50 on the sleazeball. I just think there are also a lot of hardworking nice guys out there that are being blindsided thinking they are taking care of their families. Yes there are many many women being mistreated by jerks as well. The fact is that men and women are cheating with each other. Society now says this is ok. In fact if you do not go along with it, there is something wrong with you.

Oh and one last thought ... sex is just sex. That is a popular idea. No big deal. It is just sex.

I think the bolded part hits the nail on the head. Society as a whole no longer shuns the cheating lifestyle but slowly, subtly has become a proponent of it. "You deserve it. You only live once. What happens in Vegas. Life is short."

Divorce is no longer considered embarrasing but rather liberating. When society takes that viewpoint, it is hard for weak-willed people to fight temptation.

The simple truth is we are all tempted. It's what you do when tempted that counts.

 

[remorseful strayer]

Just adding my two cents.

I am not all that attractive. I think my wife is more attractive than I. Yet, I had a 30 something women literally throw herself at me. I could not resist.

I do think that cheating is on the rise based on some of my more attractive men friends who have dozens of women throw themselves at these good looking guys, and they all get sucked in just like I did.

I am not blaming the women, because I am a strayer, too, and just as bad as the women who stray. By my observation however it does seem that more women than ever are pushing for sexual affairs. My lover pushed and pushed and pushed until my resolve weakened. I should know better, too, but I caved.

I agree with the above poster too who mentioned that the men try to hook the woman with an emotional connection first hoping it will move onto sex. Some of my friends have crowed about their technique of complimenting the woman and listening to all her complaints for months sometimes years always and only hoping to eventually bed her.