[3Xnocharm]

WOW, you need new IC ASAP!! What a freaking moron! Thank goodness you still had your sense about you this morning.

 

[FeministInPink]

WOW, you need new IC ASAP!! What a freaking moron! Thank goodness you still had your sense about you this morning.

The IC still seems focused on trying to repair the marriage, and that really isn't helping the OP move forward.

OP, I think you need to be straight up with this IC and tell him you need help moving forward in a healthy way, and if he can't help you with that, then you need to find another IC that will.

 

[MovingForward]

The IC still seems focused on trying to repair the marriage, and that really isn't helping the OP move forward.

OP, I think you need to be straight up with this IC and tell him you need help moving forward in a healthy way, and if he can't help you with that, then you need to find another IC that will.

I agree, he asked me to email him in the morning on how I was feeling so I emailed and told him

'I woke up with the same mindset, I have been focusing on new future without her, the parts the marriage I wasn't happy with, the things I have not done or been able to do, the free time I will have to rediscover myself, have hobbies again and I am excited for this since it has been a long time since I have taken time to just be me'

 

[MovingForward]

Latest update.

Stbxw wants to do MC but also still maintain apontments with mediator, told he one or the other and to tell me today. Not sure I want to save anything anymore but if she commits to MC and working on 'us' 100% I would give it a shot since kids involved and feel like after 12 years I owe it to myself to make sure I did everything I could have. Still feeling pretty strong on getting out of this and moving on but have a little doubt I need to remove.

 

[golfpanther]

Latest update.

Stbxw wants to do MC but also still maintain apontments with mediator, told he one or the other and to tell me today. Not sure I want to save anything anymore but if she commits to MC and working on 'us' 100% I would give it a shot since kids involved and feel like after 12 years I owe it to myself to make sure I did everything I could have. Still feeling pretty strong on getting out of this and moving on but have a little doubt I need to remove.

If you two do go to MC be prepared for the therapist to ask for the divorce to be put on hold. The specter of the divorce looming over your sessions would create a serious problem because she would have so much leverage and there'd be this giant ticking clock for the therapy. Is she prepared to do that if the therapist tells you two that it's the best course of action?

Also, that's a pretty big update. What happened? Why does she suddenly want to try MC? Your first post was on the 27th of February; that's only a week ago! Maybe this got started a bit before that but it would still be a rather abrupt change.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Dont do it. Tell her to pound sand.

 

[Grapes]

Your wife seems to be all over the place. She wants D, gets you to meet at courthouse and sign, then shes all nice, then shes walking around naked, then asking for MC.

She is just all over the place.

Not sure what to make of it honestly because it all just seems to irrationally move from one place to the next.

I dont mean to intrude but has she ever been on prescribed drugs or something like that? History of depression etc?


Or she is buttering you up for something. I haven't a clue.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Right, so he needs to make that final decision FOR HER and proceed with the divorce. He would be right back here again in less than a year.

 

[Grapes]

I agree - Even if there isnt infidelity when a spouse just drops you like a bad habit there is alot of trust lost. Trust in that they speak when things bother them instead of just waiting to drop bombs.

i agree, make the decision for her.

 

[MovingForward]

If you two do go to MC be prepared for the therapist to ask for the divorce to be put on hold. The specter of the divorce looming over your sessions would create a serious problem because she would have so much leverage and there'd be this giant ticking clock for the therapy. Is she prepared to do that if the therapist tells you two that it's the best course of action?

Also, that's a pretty big update. What happened? Why does she suddenly want to try MC? Your first post was on the 27th of February; that's only a week ago! Maybe this got started a bit before that but it would still be a rather abrupt change.

No it really moves this fast, no consistency at all its very confusing and I really don't know what to make of it.

 

[MovingForward]

Your wife seems to be all over the place. She wants D, gets you to meet at courthouse and sign, then shes all nice, then shes walking around naked, then asking for MC.

She is just all over the place.

Not sure what to make of it honestly because it all just seems to irrationally move from one place to the next.

I dont mean to intrude but has she ever been on prescribed drugs or something like that? History of depression etc?


Or she is buttering you up for something. I haven't a clue.

Yes all over the place, she has been falling apart the last few days. This has been my battle since beginning my first thread, she does/doesn't and at beginning power ratio was 100/0 her to me, I was begging etc and taking the licks while she left me in the dark and It was a really terrible time, I have been up and down so many times I finally managed to mostly detach, accept and move on mentally but it seems like the choice not solely being hers anymore is adding a lot of stress to her and she broke down in public Saturday and Sunday spent the entire day in bed.

She had a bout of depression almost 10 years ago and was very similar to how she is currently, once it was treated/passed she regretted a lot of the decisions we made because of it. I told her this and asked her outright and was told she is happy with everything in her life except our marriage.

 

[MovingForward]

Right, so he needs to make that final decision FOR HER and proceed with the divorce. He would be right back here again in less than a year.

And this is my worry, this experience is something I never want to go through again. I just feel li

 

[MovingForward]

I agree - Even if there isnt infidelity when a spouse just drops you like a bad habit there is alot of trust lost. Trust in that they speak when things bother them instead of just waiting to drop bombs.

i agree, make the decision for her.

It really is down to trust I would love to turn back the clock but cannot see how that trust can ever be repaired.

Honestly I dont think I will ever truly trust any one ever again and that is not a healthy mindset to future relationships but that is really where I am at!!!!

 

[phillybeffandswiss]

This upsets people, but let's be pragmatic. I know you have 12 years in, but if there were no kids would you stay?

 

[MovingForward]

This upsets people, but let's be pragmatic. I know you have 12 years in, but if there were no kids would you stay?

It would be less complicated and confusing since I have tried to put that question to myself a few times and not sure how much that affects my choices but if she could say she was 100% in and show the same I would try but she can't so I won't.

 

[Absurdist]

MovingForward - have you noticed a dynamic here? On February 17 you wrote this in your first thread:

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.

Counseling was your idea and it was rejected.

Now she wants to go to marriage counseling but still keep her options open with the mediator.

Her head is a big bag of cats all clawing to get out and do.... that which she does not know.

OP she has self image problems, self esteem problems, probable depression and who knows what else.

Ultimately, you are the one who will be required to make the decision. She is incapable of doing so herself.

Are you up to the task?

 

[phillybeffandswiss]

Thanks. This is actually a good answer. There comes a point where YOU need to make decisions. Yes, even an unsure one.

You say you can't take it, but will for the kids.
You say you can't take it, but will for your wife.

It is okay to put yourself first sometimes, even if it seems wrong. I'm not assessing blame, I'm pointing out indecision. You are letting her dictate everything right now.
She was sure enough to set up mediation and meet you on the court steps. She told you no on counseling as Absurdist just reminded me. If anything, I'd wait until mediation to do any marriage counseling because I've watched too many spouses lambasted later on.

 

[MovingForward]

MovingForward - have you noticed a dynamic here? On February 17 you wrote this in your first thread:

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.

Counseling was your idea and it was rejected.

Now she wants to go to marriage counseling but still keep her options open with the mediator.

Her head is a big bag of cats all clawing to get out and do.... that which she does not know.

OP she has self image problems, self esteem problems, probable depression and who knows what else.

Ultimately, you are the one who will be required to make the decision. She is incapable of doing so herself.

Are you up to the task?

I really don't know what I am up for, this is so mentally and emotionally taxing i really don't know what to think, the moment i let my guard down for a second or think about the situation its just ruins me. Just been out for a few drinks and was not a good idea.

 

[farsidejunky]

Limbo ends when you decide it ends.

 

[MovingForward]

Thanks. This is actually a good answer. There comes a point where YOU need to make decisions. Yes, even an unsure one.

You say you can't take it, but will for the kids.
You say you can't take it, but will for your wife.

It is okay to put yourself first sometimes, even if it seems wrong. I'm not assessing blame, I'm pointing out indecision. You are letting her dictate everything right now.
She was sure enough to set up mediation and meet you on the court steps. She told you no on counseling as Absurdist just reminded me. If anything, I'd wait until mediation to do any marriage counseling because I've watched too many spouses lambasted later on.

I know even when I feel like I am acting/being strong I am still showing weakness.

Regarding mediation I think she feels she is going to go in and take everything she wants, large child support, large alimony, big payout, 80% custody etc. and when that does not happen(hopefully) I do not want that to affect her decision or make her take a step back and regroup to get better prepared in future. As someone said earlier on this thread could be in the same situation in 12 month so wanted her to either fully commit before we go or its done and I can't turn back but I really don't think I want that.

I do still love her but this situation has put me with my back against the wall, I feel like I need to get out and look after myself and then once all the legal stuff is out the way could potentially look at talking again, I just don't know things change so fast and my heads all messed up, I can spend entire day feeling great and then I just plummet to rock bottom out of nowhere. I want to be with her and the thought of her moving on with someone else or the kids having a step dad in the future just crushes me. Hope these phases become less and less common its so overwhelming.

I have to call shortly to talk to children so i guess I will know where this is heading tonight.