[Diana7]

As the divorce progresses it may get much harder to be in the same house. Is there any way that one of you can move out and rent for now?

 

[MovingForward]

As the divorce progresses it may get much harder to be in the same house. Is there any way that one of you can move out and rent for now?

Not really I could but was advised not to for financial reasons and also want to keep house so would not be in my best interests to move. Mentally I am holding it together pretty well and just do my own thing so currently not a big deal but if things get to a bad point will look at her moving.

 

[Thor]

Just need to get through these next few months and hope it doesn't get messy, any advice on living in the same house and co parenting while in the divorce process would be very much appreciated?

MF, my divorce finalized about 6 weeks ago. We were separated in the same house from January last year until September. Kids all adults, son in the house for the summer. So not the same as your situation but not totally different.

Don't take the bait. If she is trying to get you upset, just walk away. Even if she isn't trying to do it, if she does or says something which gets you emotionally off balance or angry, just leave the house. I took the dog for many long long walks!

Realize that even in an amicable divorce there are going to be conflicts. Have your lines in the sand (but don't tell her what they are in advance), and stick to them. Use other things as give-aways. If she wants the couch and you don't have a big emotional attachment to it, let her have it but use that as collateral against something you want. Don't fight over everything, but if she is picking you to pieces on little item at a time, you should hold your ground. Basically, don't let her walk all over you. Get what you want and need.

Expect surprises. For me there were a couple of items which were kind of nuclear fire. One I knew about, the other surprised me when she brought it up. You may have to walk away and come back some other time to discuss it. Or, you might decide to hold your ground on it right there. The point is, control your anger. Expect to be surprised at getting angry about something, and resolve today to keep it calm when that happens. You're going to be prickly about custody and about the house, but something for sure is going to come up and surprise you. Maybe it is the garden tools, maybe it is a painting a friend gave you. But it will happen.

Oh, talk to a lawyer asap. Even if you are going to do this mediated without lawyers arguing, you need to get a good consultation so you know how things work and what your rights are. You may need a lawyer to do some documents to be sure they are done properly. Even if you agree not to use lawyers to argue, it is smart to use a lawyer when the documents exceed your expertise.

 

[BURNT KEP]

Not really I could but was advised not to for financial reasons and also want to keep house so would not be in my best interests to move. Mentally I am holding it together pretty well and just do my own thing so currently not a big deal but if things get to a bad point will look at her moving.

Don't ever move out till the divorce is final. That is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. Check it this site and read the list and ask questions. These guys know what they are talking about and can really help you.
Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum ? Index page

 

[Grapes]

Don't ever move out till the divorce is final. That is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. Check it this site and read the list and ask questions. These guys know what they are talking about and can really help you.
Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum ? Index page

This is the site i was referring to in my post. wasn't sure if we could link to other sites so i didn't. Looks like we can.

Thank you for posting this.

Any man in D with custody issues should read and post there.

I would not recommend women going there and identifying as a women. You will be pretty quickly shot down. Its just the nature of the site and not personal.

 

[Grapes]

MF - hope your doing well. I just read your other thread and Im sorry you had to go through that. Theres not much worse then the push/pull from your SO like you expierenced. Is so confusing and causes such an emotional roller-coaster its unbearable. I've been there and can really relate.

She definitely sounds riddled with guilt from your other thread. There also seems to be a sense of manipulation on her part by strumming your heart strings. In D it will be vital for you to ignore this and not feed into any of it, recognize it for what it is but separate it from the D. There is no way to know her motives at this point. For instance; she will be pleasant with you today, throws you off balance, then tomorrow she wants 60/40 on the kids. You can bet your ass that she was nice yesterday to make that request today. watch out for that. If that starts happening then you KNOW she is playing you. Always check to see if her niceness is followed by a request.

You will read elsewhere that this is war. Amicable or not this will be war. Not that you need to be savage or mean but in a sense she is your opposition now and you'd be best suited to think like that. Strategically.

Aside from learning everything you can about your Laws (highly suggested) never ever ever give something up without getting something in return. Doesn't matter what it is, information, material items, documents, money etc etc. Negotiations 101.

Sign nothing unless a lawyer working for you has reviewed it.

Keep posting brother. We are in the same spot for different reasons but we will make it to the other side!

 

[MovingForward]

MF, my divorce finalized about 6 weeks ago. We were separated in the same house from January last year until September. Kids all adults, son in the house for the summer. So not the same as your situation but not totally different.

Don't take the bait. If she is trying to get you upset, just walk away. Even if she isn't trying to do it, if she does or says something which gets you emotionally off balance or angry, just leave the house. I took the dog for many long long walks!

Realize that even in an amicable divorce there are going to be conflicts. Have your lines in the sand (but don't tell her what they are in advance), and stick to them. Use other things as give-aways. If she wants the couch and you don't have a big emotional attachment to it, let her have it but use that as collateral against something you want. Don't fight over everything, but if she is picking you to pieces on little item at a time, you should hold your ground. Basically, don't let her walk all over you. Get what you want and need.

Expect surprises. For me there were a couple of items which were kind of nuclear fire. One I knew about, the other surprised me when she brought it up. You may have to walk away and come back some other time to discuss it. Or, you might decide to hold your ground on it right there. The point is, control your anger. Expect to be surprised at getting angry about something, and resolve today to keep it calm when that happens. You're going to be prickly about custody and about the house, but something for sure is going to come up and surprise you. Maybe it is the garden tools, maybe it is a painting a friend gave you. But it will happen.

Oh, talk to a lawyer asap. Even if you are going to do this mediated without lawyers arguing, you need to get a good consultation so you know how things work and what your rights are. You may need a lawyer to do some documents to be sure they are done properly. Even if you agree not to use lawyers to argue, it is smart to use a lawyer when the documents exceed your expertise.

@Thor, I can see us fighting over Alimony and I can see her making the 50/50 an issue and possibly me keeping the house and they are really the only 3 things I care about, the contents of the house i told her she can have since I want to get new stuff and make the house mine since she picked all the furniture and decorated everything.

Thanks for the advice.

 

[MovingForward]

Don't ever move out till the divorce is final. That is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. Check it this site and read the list and ask questions. These guys know what they are talking about and can really help you.
Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum ? Index page

@BURNT KEP I read the exact same stuff, luckily in my Haze I didn't manage to pull it together enough to get out, glad I can see a little clearer because I would have been taken for a fool and let it happen.

I joined that site yesterday on recommendation of @Grapes

 

[MovingForward]

MF - hope your doing well. I just read your other thread and Im sorry you had to go through that. Theres not much worse then the push/pull from your SO like you expierenced. Is so confusing and causes such an emotional roller-coaster its unbearable. I've been there and can really relate.

She definitely sounds riddled with guilt from your other thread. There also seems to be a sense of manipulation on her part by strumming your heart strings. In D it will be vital for you to ignore this and not feed into any of it, recognize it for what it is but separate it from the D. There is no way to know her motives at this point. For instance; she will be pleasant with you today, throws you off balance, then tomorrow she wants 60/40 on the kids. You can bet your ass that she was nice yesterday to make that request today. watch out for that. If that starts happening then you KNOW she is playing you. Always check to see if her niceness is followed by a request.

You will read elsewhere that this is war. Amicable or not this will be war. Not that you need to be savage or mean but in a sense she is your opposition now and you'd be best suited to think like that. Strategically.

Aside from learning everything you can about your Laws (highly suggested) never ever ever give something up without getting something in return. Doesn't matter what it is, information, material items, documents, money etc etc. Negotiations 101.

Sign nothing unless a lawyer working for you has reviewed it.

Keep posting brother. We are in the same spot for different reasons but we will make it to the other side!

@Grapes, I will be continuing to post this is my therapy and support group

I think I am in a good mindset mostly calm but firm and focusing on end goal of getting house, 50/50 and not being lumped with a huge Alimony payment.

Next week I am sure is when things get a little messier during the first mediation and she hears my plans for first time.

 

[MovingForward]

@Grapes I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.

 

[BURNT KEP]

@BURNT KEP I read the exact same stuff, luckily in my Haze I didn't manage to pull it together enough to get out, glad I can see a little clearer because I would have been taken for a fool and let it happen.

I joined that site yesterday on recommendation of @Grapes

They will tell you there to settle custody first and nothing less then 50 50.

 

[Grapes]

They will tell you there to settle custody first and nothing less then 50 50.

Which is exactly what he should do

 

[MovingForward]

Which is exactly what he should do

I will be getting 50/50, will make sure of it :grin2:

 

[Grapes]

@Grapes I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.

Well - weve been under the same roof for a while now but she's a bat **** crazy cheating pos. There is no nakedness. Instead of nakedness I get her hovering over me staring at me in my sleep. Id prefer the nakedness.

That behavior seems extremely odd. Had she not filed and asked you to sign everything my opinion would be different. but she filed. She wants D. She is taking your mind out of the game. Throwing you off balance. I cant help but think its just more of a manipulation tactic. When this happens - is it followed by a request hours/next day?

If it makes you uncomfortable then tell her it is inappropriate. Tell her that with the pending D it is inappropriate for her to be around you naked, and you would prefer her to be clothed at all times when she is around you. If you say that - watch her be completely floored that you would EVER say it. It will be a shot to her ego. The reality though - tolerating it only keeps you wanting more and not detaching.

Your goal = Custody and detaching.

Her goal = Bolded above, and its working

 

[MovingForward]

Well - weve been under the same roof for a while now but she's a bat **** crazy cheating pos. There is no nakedness. Instead of nakedness I get her hovering over me staring at me in my sleep. Id prefer the nakedness.

That behavior seems extremely odd. Had she not filed and asked you to sign everything my opinion would be different. but she filed. She wants D. She is taking your mind out of the game. Throwing you off balance. I cant help but think its just more of a manipulation tactic. When this happens - is it followed by a request hours/next day?
If it makes you uncomfortable then tell her it is inappropriate. Tell her that with the pending D it is inappropriate for her to be around you naked, and you would prefer her to be clothed at all times when she is around you. If you say that - watch her be completely floored that you would EVER say it. It will be a shot to her ego. The reality though - tolerating it only keeps you wanting more and not detaching.

Your goal = Custody and detaching.

Her goal = Bolded above, and its working

No it is a daily thing and no requests ever come from it.

The hovering over staring sounds very uncomfortable LOL I'm glad I just get the nakedness.

 

[C3156]

@C3156 did you use a Divorce support group? I did a search on DivorceCare and there are a few groups in the area but only at the local Churches, if you went how was your experience?

I did go to one of the DivorceCare groups and they are all hosted by a church. It was good to interact with people that were going through some of the same experience as myself and be able to know I was not alone. I am not a huge church person so some of the message filtered in biblical terms did not mean much to me, but some of the coping mechanisms were helpful. I had an amiable divorce compared to a lot of people there, so I counted myself lucky.

I have not read all of your previous post, but you sound like you are in the same boat as I was. Wife decided to end the marriage after dangling a carrot of possible reconciliation. Been there, done that. I also bought my ex out of the house. I can't say that was the best decision that I ever made. Yes, I loved the house, but after she was gone, the house was haunted with all the memories we had created and the lingering hopes and dreams we had discussed.

I ended up selling the house and buying a new house to become my home. A fresh start for a new life. For me, it was good to break the knot that connected me to my children's mother. I was sad to see it go, but the new location ended up being a great place for my kids, with a bunch of friends in the neighborhood. Plus a bunch of new neighbors that knew nothing about what happened and I could move on.

You are in a tough spot, but as long as things are amiable, hopefully you and your stbx can work through things. Mine had a pretty good head and at least wanted to work together to still raise our kids. It was a bitter pill to swallow for a while, but I put on my game face. Several years later, the kids are doing great and going off to college. Life has moved on as well personally.

 

[C3156]

I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.

My ex did the same thing, like nothing was happening, very frustrating sexually. Got to the point I was feeling chafed from going out with Rosy Palmer to much, lol.

Remember, this is not your wife any longer, it is just a person that you are completing a business deal. Try to keep your feelings and emotions out of it to the best of your ability.

 

[MovingForward]

I did go to one of the DivorceCare groups and they are all hosted by a church. It was good to interact with people that were going through some of the same experience as myself and be able to know I was not alone. I am not a huge church person so some of the message filtered in biblical terms did not mean much to me, but some of the coping mechanisms were helpful. I had an amiable divorce compared to a lot of people there, so I counted myself lucky.

I have not read all of your previous post, but you sound like you are in the same boat as I was. Wife decided to end the marriage after dangling a carrot of possible reconciliation. Been there, done that. I also bought my ex out of the house. I can't say that was the best decision that I ever made. Yes, I loved the house, but after she was gone, the house was haunted with all the memories we had created and the lingering hopes and dreams we had discussed.

I ended up selling the house and buying a new house to become my home. A fresh start for a new life. For me, it was good to break the knot that connected me to my children's mother. I was sad to see it go, but the new location ended up being a great place for my kids, with a bunch of friends in the neighborhood. Plus a bunch of new neighbors that knew nothing about what happened and I could move on.

You are in a tough spot, but as long as things are amiable, hopefully you and your stbx can work through things. Mine had a pretty good head and at least wanted to work together to still raise our kids. It was a bitter pill to swallow for a while, but I put on my game face. Several years later, the kids are doing great and going off to college. Life has moved on as well personally.

Glad to hear it worked out for you in the end.

We have only been in the new house shortish time frame so some memories but once redecorated and new furniture should become my own(Hopefully), some decent neighbors and lots of friends on street for kids so think keeping house will benefit them also to keep some stability in there lives during the transition.

 

[MovingForward]

My ex did the same thing, like nothing was happening, very frustrating sexually. Got to the point I was feeling chafed from going out with Rosy Palmer to much, lol.

Remember, this is not your wife any longer, it is just a person that you are completing a business deal. Try to keep your feelings and emotions out of it to the best of your ability.

Glad I am not the only one

 

[TheTruthHurts]

Do YOU ever walk around naked? If not and you don't feel like confronting, then just start randomly walking around naked. It will be amusing and send a message that she's being ridiculous.


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