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Engaged & Confused about the future

785 views 9 replies 10 participants last post by  MachoMcCoy 
#1 · (Edited)
I’ve been in a relationship for just over 4 years and got engaged 1 year ago. Around 9 months ago the passion towards my OH has dwindled seriously to the point where I don’t want to sleep with him/kiss him etc. We had a very happy relationship previously and I knew engagement would be the next step we’d take as a couple and I thought I felt I’d prepared for it. I was excited at the time he proposed but now the future scares me and I'm struggling to admit this to myself. Something has changed in me and I feel numb. I find myself wanting to be alone most of the time and wishing my OH would go out or go away with work so I can be alone. I feel a sense of relief when he leaves even though he hasn't done anything wrong. We also live together and I find we don’t speak or interact much in the evenings and due to my depressed feelings I just cant be bothered making the effort even though I acknowledge the issue. We’ve developed an unhealthy routine. I feel guilty about the way I feel and put it down to a phase that will go away, but it just doesn’t seem to leave. (I know I’m not trying though so what do I expect?) I guess I’ve just been hoping that one day I’ll wake up and feel differently. It feels like a bitter cycle. I know how I feel is wrong, but I don’t feel like I want to or have the energy to try and make things better. My other half has never done anything wrong to me and is a really kind person …he has everything you’d want but I don’t feel phased by it. This worries me.

As of late another spanner has been added to the works. Around 4 months ago I added a comment to a forum I’m part of and had a response from a guy who was really helpful and we somehow strangely kept in touch since. We’ve been speaking since but it was never in THAT way - always just as friends. The thing that I’m finding really difficult now is that as time has gone on I really connect with this friend of mine on a more intimate level. We have a lot in common, more than anyone I’ve met in a really long time, to be honest more than any other guy I’ve ever met and sometimes its actually quite weird thinking about it. We have a lot of shared interests and conversation between us flows so naturally and easily. Considering we haven't known each other all that long, we open up to each other about a lot of random stuff and it feels like I’ve known him for years. He gets me and I get him …it sounds ridiculous but he gives me some kind of unfound energy I didn’t know I had in me. He makes me feel good! I feel like I go to a different place when we speak. We talk for hours sometimes and the time just floats by. Just recently he’s told me he felt this connection too. Common sense tells me I should stop talking to him and focus on my relationship but I can’t switch it off. Now I feel awful about this and it’s making me question myself as a person let alone my relationship with my OH.

I have spoken to my OH about my lack of passion/love towards him and he was naturally upset and said he couldn’t imagine life without me and wants to work through it. My OH would be devastated to hear everything that’s running through my head. I know he doesn’t deserve to be with a person who feels like this.

Has anyone ever felt like this before? What did you do? Is it saveable? Any advice appreciated.
 
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#3 ·
I don’t really know where to start with this…

In short (background), I’ve suffered with depressive states on and off for a few years. Although I’ve always been a fairly complex minded person. I overthink, analyse and ponder on stuff …constantly. I’m very self critical and self aware and will get worked up about things I feel I’m losing control of. This seems to have gotten worse the older I’ve got for some reason. On a day to day basis though I am normal to the outside world (I think)

I’ve been in a relationship for just over 4 years and got engaged 1 year ago. Around 9 months ago the passion towards my OH has dwindled seriously to the point where I don’t want to sleep with him/kiss him etc. We had a very happy relationship previously and I knew engagement would be the next step we’d take as a couple and I thought I felt I’d prepared for it. I was excited at the time he proposed but now the future scares me and I'm struggling to admit this to myself. Something has changed in me and I feel numb. I find myself wanting to be alone most of the time and wishing my OH would go out or go away with work so I can be alone. I feel a sense of relief when he leaves even though he hasn't done anything wrong. We also live together and I find we don’t speak or interact much in the evenings and due to my depressed feelings I just cant be bothered making the effort even though I acknowledge the issue. We’ve developed an unhealthy routine. I feel guilty about the way I feel and put it down to a phase that will go away, but it just doesn’t seem to leave. (I know I’m not trying though so what do I expect?) I guess I’ve just been hoping that one day I’ll wake up and feel differently. It feels like a bitter cycle. I know how I feel is wrong, but I don’t feel like I want to or have the energy to try and make things better. My other half has never done anything wrong to me and is a really kind person …he has everything you’d want but I don’t feel phased by it. This worries me.

As of late another spanner has been added to the works. Around 4 months ago I added a comment to a forum I’m part of and had a response from a guy who was really helpful and we somehow strangely kept in touch since. We’ve been speaking since but it was never in THAT way - always just as friends. The thing that I’m finding really difficult now is that as time has gone on I really connect with this friend of mine on a more intimate level. We have a lot in common, more than anyone I’ve met in a really long time, to be honest more than any other guy I’ve ever met and sometimes its actually quite weird thinking about it. We have a lot of shared interests and conversation between us flows so naturally and easily. Considering we haven't known each other all that long, we open up to each other about a lot of random stuff and it feels like I’ve known him for years. He gets me and I get him …it sounds ridiculous but he gives me some kind of unfound energy I didn’t know I had in me. He makes me feel good! I feel like I go to a different place when we speak. We talk for hours sometimes and the time just floats by. Just recently he’s told me he felt this connection too. Common sense tells me I should stop talking to him and focus on my relationship but I can’t switch it off. Now I feel awful about this and it’s making me question myself as a person let alone my relationship with my OH.

I have spoken to my OH about my lack of passion/love towards him and he was naturally upset and said he couldn’t imagine life without me and wants to work through it. My OH would be devastated to hear everything that’s running through my head. I know he doesn’t deserve to be with a person who feels like this.

Has anyone ever felt like this before? What did you do? Is it saveable? Any advice appreciated.
Then stop doing it to him? :scratchhead:

You do need therapy and perhaps medical help.

Please get it sooner rather than later.
 
#4 ·
I think you need to finally go and get help for your depression. Depression makes all kinds of things look different.

Stop talking to your internet pen pal. He is a fantasy, and it is much easier to fall in love with your fantasy of him than the reality of anyone. Stop it. You are messing up your life because you are afraid to deal with your actual relationship and actual depression in favor of living in denial and fantasy-land.

If you don't want to deal with your depression and face your real life, then cut your fiance loose since what you are currently doing isn't going to make anything better.
 
#5 ·
You're suffering from depression.

You may feel numb at home & desire to escape with this online dude, but this is a fantasy because if you get with the online dude, you'll only be happy for a short while & then you'll be back to square one again.

You say this guy gives you "unfounded energy" only because it's something new & exciting. But it won't be when you're in a relationship with him.




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 
#7 ·
I understand how difficult this will be but "do not get married" until it's the right time, the right guy and your "absolutely sure" he's the one. Even when all those things are a go who knows how things will work out.

Marriage is work and problems before marriage rarely get better once you are married.
 
#10 ·
Do him favor and let him go.

Listen sugar. This is how it works. You date a guy for a while and determine if you are going to like him enough to marry him. You tried that. The answer is "no". I think he needs to know this sooner than later.

And for gods sake, DO NOT change your mind when he turns into a weeping pile of blubber in front of you. That is the NUMBER ONE mistake you gals do time and time and time again.

Do him a favor and let him go. He needs to lick his wounds and start over. The problem is that he won't see it that way immediately.

But do this for HIM. Please. I wish to god my wife did at this point in our relationship instead of 20 years later.
 
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