Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm glad I came across this page tonight because I feel totally blindsided by my fiance as of the last few weeks and I could really use some outside perspective.

I'll try to be as succinct as possible here so here's a bit of background info (feel free to skip it if you don't care about the context)

TLDR; She wants time to think about what she wants. I want her to be her normal self.

---I'm 26 she just turned 25 this month
---been together almost 7 yrs.
---I proposed on xmas of 2015 with a mutual understanding that a wedding wouldn't be planned until we both finished college and settled in our careers but an equally mutual understanding that we've been head over heels in love for long enough to be sure it was right (or so I thought?...I'll get to that)
---I've always been the guy who plans fun things for us and occasionally spoils her on special days. (ex: Hot air balloon ride on her BDay, proposed via handmade billboard-sized sign using tons of little Christmas lights to spell out the question with her name and planned with the city park to place it in the middle of the drive-through Christmas light show so we would drive by and she would see it, etc..)
---We moved in together about a year ago (lease in her name), she just landed her job and I had 1 yr left on my Bachelor's degree.
---I'm kind of the typical guy in that when there's a problem I want to fix it and don't mind talking about things that bug me, she internalizes things a lot and struggles with expressing things until it's too late and they've built up. She tends to not show much emotion and that can come off as cold to me/sometimes make me doubt if she really cares.
---We're both only children and dealt with our own struggles growing up. Her parents divorced and her dad is the type that thinks money can substitute for a relationship with her. My mom was a single parent with a lot of issues that made growing up a very much self-taught and chaotic process for me. (I promise this is relevant, go ahead and read on, you'll see!)
---Financial aid/scholarships were a huge part of how I paid my half of the bills before I graduated but I also worked full-time continuously as well.


So here's the deal - the last 6 months have been financially disastrous for me and she ended up shouldering the vast majority of the bills on her own for about 3 months. Her salary is able to do that without any real added strain on her, but it's not something I wanted to happen. I sold a lot of my valuables to try and prevent her from getting involved but it basically came down to paying rent or affording the tuition for my last few classes.

I was very stressed and pretty much held up in my office until late at night for months trying to juggle college with several freelance jobs I had been hired to do from home, and frantically looking for the place to start my career so there would be a minimum time gap between graduation and real money coming in. This created distance between us, and she began to feel like I didn't appreciate her helping me out financially. I didn't want to to talk about it because I was embarrassed and mistakenly thought she and I were on the same page that I was thankful and very appreciative but also very stressed.

She began to resent me for this. I couldn't contribute yet, but we talked it over (after it finally became an argument) and it ended with me using reason and basically telling her that I would certainly repay her as soon as I got my job. I thought it was resolved because she literally said it was and how she didn't want this to impact how she feels about us. Except it wasn't, and frankly it couldn't be until I finished school and got a job. So the stress was still there for me, and the resentment was there for her. We probably had 3 more big arguments about this and each time she'd say sorry and I'd apologize for anything stupid I may have said with the expectation that it was cleared up.

Well...we never grew closer together. Things like going to dinner weren't fun anymore (hard to have fun at dinner when I had to pawn something to afford the bill) and I think she just kept operating like I had tons of money to be able to do things at that moment. This was not an easy stretch of 6 months for me, nor was it for her and our relationship suffered because of it, but I never once doubted it even when she seemed to just be checked out towards the end. I guess I figured that we both knew that it's not always easy and struggles will be a part of life but getting through them together is what ads the depth of appreciation for one another and makes you come out stronger as a couple on the other side.

She said a lot of hurtful things while I was looking for a job. I would tell her everything will be fine once I get this job and she'd respond with things like "I'm sick of hearing about your dreams..." & "It's always 'when I do this, when I do that'..." as if I weren't busting my ass to get out of this rut asap.

Anyway, fast-forward to now. She's built a wall between us that's been up for months and the day I got the job offer I asked her why she's been treating me like this. Her response is that she doesn't know if she wants to be together anymore. I was devastated and shocked at that and my response could have been way more dignified than it was but it felt/feels like I'm perpetually going down a rollercoaster drop, that feeling in your stomach. She reacted to me by leaving the house and going to the bar (unlike her, but worries me b/c her dad is an alcoholic and she tends to turn to that as a response) getting drunk and coming back at 4:30am.

She's done that a couple times now. She's taken the ring off for the past week or so and I've been kind of overbearing about this by wanting to fix it by talking about it but that's gotten me nowhere but into arguments. She's saying she wants space to think about what she wants and see if she would be happy without me. I don't exactly have a summer home to go crash at right now, so it's not like I can up and leave. Literally had my job for 3 weeks and really need to do well at it, so moving out so she can "think" is pretty self-centered of her to want imo.

I love this girl so much, but I can't be with someone that doesn't want to be with me as much as that would break my heart. I'm not too concerned that there is someone else, but I could be wrong. She did change her password on her phone, but it was because of an update that made it mandatory and I pay attention when I see her texting and haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary. Am I being naive? The two of us were supposed to spend the weekend at a friend's wedding next month and she wants to go alone now. That concerns me for sure. I just don't want to get cheated on or lose this girl.

She means the world to me but I'm not okay with being the backup guy waiting while she has her kicks. Again, that could be totally not what she's thinking - maybe she just needs time to miss me but even that is a toss up since she's talking about how unhappy she's been these last 6 months.

The weird thing is that the other night we had sex, but only after she made sure it was only because we both wanted to get off and that it wouldn't "Send me mixed signals" and even then she wouldn't let me kiss her and it was just really matter-of-fact and kind of awkward tbh.

I just try to tell her that I've been unhappy too, it's been a struggle, but the struggle is over and if she would just let us get back to normal we would get that spark back that's been missing.....unless she really feels totally differently about me now.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and for taking the time to read this. I know it was long but it helps to vent sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,642 Posts
First off check your phone bill she may be cheating. It's kind of the typical signs. But lets assume she isn't.

These problems are serious. I really believe 75% of having a good marriage is who you marry. The fact that a crisis has affected you in a way that is negative is not good. Life is hard and full of crises. (I stole that from Game of Thrones, kind of).

At the very least you need some counseling. I would seriously think about postponing the wedding, at least until you get your relationship back in shape. You are both very young, this is a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Better to be sure no matter what happens it's important to be thoughtful about it.

Again a lot of your whole life and happiness, basic every day quality of life, and just all around success is tied up in who you marry. You need a partner and a teammate. Most people can't change much so who you pick means a hell of a lot.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jlg07 and Satya

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,509 Posts
She's gone. But more importantly why don't you believe what she is saying to you?

If the love has gone for her the absolute worst thing you can do is be clingy and needy under the guise of wanting to fix things. I don't believe you can fix love, it's something you feel. Seems she's resented you for a while and in that time respect has gone too. Guess what being clingy does, doesn't exactly boost that respect level does it?

Dating is an audition, she's sort of seen a future where she's shouldering the burden of financial responsibilities and she's said no she's not up for that kind of future.

There may not be any cheating, the girl is just detaching. For me, if this friend is your friend as well and not hers alone, go to the wedding, enjoy yourself, don't be clingy be confident with other people but if you find her chatting up other blokes then you have your answer. Then when you get back allow her to do her own thing until either of you find alternative accommodation.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,265 Posts
Do not marry her.

You grew up and apart. It's very common in young people for this to happen.

Marriage exacerbates existing problems 100-fold.

You can love and care for her deeply, and she can still be wrong for you.

You recognize your failings, which is good, but does she admit to any of her failings? If not, the relationship will always be your responsibility to fix and a marriage simply cannot thrive with one person working to keep it thriving.

She may have supported you financially for a while, but resentment is a difficult monster to put back in its place. It sounds like she'll always hold it over your head.

Take her word for it. She's not sure if she wants to be married. She's acting like she's not sure. And you have problems that will need marriage counseling at the very least to tackle (and 100% effort from BOTH of you). Her indecision is as good as saying "I don't want to be married" IMO.

Some people aren't meant to stay together forever.

Oh, and stop having sex with her. It WILL send mixed signals, regardless of what she says and it will keep you in limbo.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
208 Posts
Too many red flags here at the very least postpone the marriage for a year or two and see how it goes. However if it were me I’d not waste those two years on someone who turns to booze everytime a problem needs discussing. I’d want to marry a functioning adult and she isn’t one


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,088 Posts
This might have been the best test before marriage to see how both of you could had the stress of relationship during bad times, and guess what she failed...can you image once you get married and have kids and juggle everything plus a mortgage, car payments, soccer practice, Gymnastic and who knows what...no its time to move on...she is not marriage material right now. don't beg, don't argue...move on...you will appreciate all of this advice one day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,570 Posts
She's said she isn't sure she wants to be with you anymore, she's given you the "I need space to see if..." speech (might as well be I love you but am not in love with you) started bar hopping without her ring, coming home in the wee hours, and you're not concerned about cheating? Really?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,038 Posts
This relationship is over even if you don't realize it right now. Love and emotions cloud your vision and make it hard to let go, but you have to for both of your best interests. No matter how much you think you can fix things and win her back her heart, you can't.

I hope you take our messages to heart. Some lessons you shouldn't have to learn on your own. Don't waste years trying to make this relationship work since it's extremely likely that you both will regret it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
Let this be a lesson to you. Women do not respect or desire a man who can't pull his weight financially, even if there are extenuating circumstances. She expects you to be a man and, frankly, you've fallen short. Having her support you was a mistake of the highest order.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,829 Posts
Let this be a lesson to you. Women do not respect or desire a man who can't pull his weight financially, even if there are extenuating circumstances. She expects you to be a man and, frankly, you've fallen short. Having her support you was a mistake of the highest order.
This is very true, but don't take it the wrong way. As I get older (late 50's now), I more strongly believe there are inherent differences in the brains of men and women. We are wired differently. Women by design are wired to seek successful men. It just is. No different than men being wired to be attracted to young healthy women who look like they would be able to have strong healthy offspring.

When a man becomes financially dependent on a woman, it can trip those eons old circuits programmed into her brain to see you as an unworthy mate. You can't support and defend her and the offspring if you are not capable of providing for her. Her ancient brain wants a strong male who successfully hunts for food.

Modern society likes to say otherwise, that it is ok for women to take on the breadwinner role in a family, and the man can be the house-husband who raises the kids. It doesn't seem to work out well very often, though.

Your relationship fell prey to our preprogrammed instincts when you became dependent on her. Women who detach don't seem to come back. At least not very often. It sounds like she has moved on emotionally.

None of this makes you or her wrong. But it is reality, and I think she's just looking for the next relationship before she ditches this one officially.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,415 Posts
Let this be a lesson to you. Women do not respect or desire a man who can't pull his weight financially, even if there are extenuating circumstances. She expects you to be a man and, frankly, you've fallen short. Having her support you was a mistake of the highest order.
However, sometimes life deals one a mess and the stbw reaction was not one of understanding. If this is her reaction with a bump in the road imagine life that deals many bumps in the road. Men lose jobs. It is a fact of life. The entire house husband deal, sure if the man sits on his arse not looking for work, but an actively looking H/BF is a different story. The stbw got resentful because she paid the electric bill?

Personally, I would call off anything that looks like a wedding. She is not marriage material in my book.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Thor

·
Registered
Joined
·
932 Posts
You are very lucky........lucky that you are experiencing these things NOW as opposed to being married first. RUN, FORREST, RUN! You have no chance of long term success.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
As everyone else has said. Be thankful this is happening now.

The fact she won't kiss during sex could suggest she has feelings for someone else. My ex wife did that to me when we were talking about separating. It then came out she was seeing someone else.

I'm just going to be blunt. If she isn't cheating already, she will. She's looking for something new, or has already found someone. Not kissing you makes her feel like she isn't cheating on the other guy.

She's checked out completely. It's time to focus on yourself. Don't be naive and in denial, you will regret it later. At the minimum tell her you are postponing the wedding. Please!

I feel for you brother. I've been where you are..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,614 Posts
I have to say your relationship is over.

But one thing that struck me is you said you went to dinner and paid for it by pawning something. Why did you do it? Why not just say you can't afford it, and have a picnic in a park with some cheap food from the grocery store?

It sounds like you are afraid to speak up about not having the coin to afford things. Like, that matters?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,420 Posts
OP says the girlfriend had been footing most of the bills for THREE months. Months! While he both works and finishes up classes.

If this woman can't help out financially in this way for mere months while you finish classes without being resentful and turned off, she isn't marriage material. This isn't a big deal. It was months, not years. You two are engaged. Next!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,938 Posts
Heard this before "BUT I LOVE HER"!!!!!!

What do you love about this?

Short term the chips are down and you can't count on her?

Really?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
200 Posts
OP says the girlfriend had been footing most of the bills for THREE months. Months! While he both works and finishes up classes.

If this woman can't help out financially in this way for mere months while you finish classes without being resentful and turned off, she isn't marriage material. This isn't a big deal. It was months, not years. You two are engaged. Next!
This. You were three months from finishing your bachelor degree! While working full time! She appears to have checked out. Focus on your job and get out of your living situation asap, you dodged a bullet!
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top