Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 40 of 50 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,299 Posts
I've been trying to get her to agree to a post-nup, in which we would set rules about finances, but she isn't going for it. She thinks I'm trying to squeeze her out financially, when all I'm really trying to do is limit damage to me and create clear rules with consequences about her spending. She won't even talk about it so far, and I've brought it up multiple times as a rational, "hey let's do this to help our marriage" type of thing.
I recommend evenly dividing the assets, with including the children, for an easy divorce. She's not going to give up anything that she doesn't have to.
What I recommend is going for full custody and use the custody as a factor as to how assets get divided and then use state law as the determining factor in all that as to how assets are divided.
This needs to be a Blkitzkrieg.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
249 Posts
I've been trying to get her to agree to a post-nup, in which we would set rules about finances, but she isn't going for it. She thinks I'm trying to squeeze her out financially, when all I'm really trying to do is limit damage to me and create clear rules with consequences about her spending. She won't even talk about it so far, and I've brought it up multiple times as a rational, "hey let's do this to help our marriage" type of thing.
Why would she sign a post nup? She has it way too good to agree to anything like that, and you allow her behavior. You need boundaries. Good ones. I also think it's pretty important for spouses to be on the same page regarding something as important as finances. You might want to pull a credit report for you and your wife to find out the full story. Your wife sounds lazy and irresponsible. Bottom line she will most likely not change. You've been trying to encourage her to be financially responsible. She has shown you that she has no interest in doing that. That would be a deal breaker for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #23 ·
I recommend evenly dividing the assets, with including the children, for an easy divorce. She's not going to give up anything that she doesn't have to.
What I recommend is going for full custody and use the custody as a factor as to how assets get divided and then use state law as the determining factor in all that as to how assets are divided.
This needs to be a Blkitzkrieg.
Thank goodness no minor children are involved. Another good thing is North Carolina is an equitable distribution state. How equitable things will be remains to be seen! I'll be fine if we divorce, though. I'm very ambitious.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,299 Posts
Thank goodness no minor children are involved. Another good thing is North Carolina is an equitable distribution state. How equitable things will be remains to be seen! I'll be fine if we divorce, though. I'm very ambitious.
Awesome, so it should be an easy-peasy divorce.
I don't know how quickly you can get this done, but I would get it done asap. Tomorrow, if possible although I know I'm exaggerating.

Tell your wife to sign the papers and not challenge an equitable distribution of resources. Tell her if she doesn't sign, you will spend every cent ensuring that she gets nothing.

Mean that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #25 ·
Why would she sign a post nup? She has it way too good to agree to anything like that, and you allow her behavior. You need boundaries. Good ones. I also think it's pretty important for spouses to be on the same page regarding something as important as finances. You might want to pull a credit report for you and your wife to find out the full story. Your wife sounds lazy and irresponsible. Bottom line she will most likely not change. You've been trying to encourage her to be financially responsible. She has shown you that she has no interest in doing that. That would be a deal breaker for me.
I would hope she would at least consider a post-nup as a marriage saving device. I would, unless I was a gold digger. :) I've read plenty on them being used as tools to save marriages, and it makes plenty of sense to me. Unfortunately, she's ruled by emotions.

I would love to pull a credit report on my wife, but I cannot legally do that without her permission. I regularly review my credit reports.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
249 Posts
I would hope she would at least consider a post-nup as a marriage saving device. I would, unless I was a gold digger. :) I've read plenty on them being used as tools to save marriages, and it makes plenty of sense to me. Unfortunately, she's ruled by emotions.

I would love to pull a credit report on my wife, but I cannot legally do that without her permission. I regularly review my credit reports.
Ok then - if she wants to save the marriage I don't think it's unreasonable for you to request her credit report. You are married after all, so her debt is your debt unfortunately.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
973 Posts
The post nup idea is like putting a band aid on a major wound.

Just stand up for yourself and she'll show her true colors.

She either loves you and wants whats best for you both and discusses it that way, or she will freak out on you because you really are only a paycheck to her.

I think we all know which way that will fall.

Take a strong and direct line and create the fork in the road. She can choose her path.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #31 ·
So, I tried discussing things with my wife, and nothing has gone well to this point. She was totally triggered at the mere mention of a post-nup and immediately started her silent treatment routine. I tried presenting my ideas in a rational, non-accusatory manner. I offered my equity in our home in lieu of alimony, which is more than the total sum of alimony she would likely receive if we were to divorce. I offered to give her other things to limit the amount of my pension that is negotiable. I also asked to put in a clause regarding financial transparency, that each spouse, at the request of the other, would provide financial documents (credit card, bank, credit reports, etc) to the other. She refuses! She says she'll never sign a post-nup. I stated that the ideas I presented were simply a starting point, and that we should discuss them. She won't even discuss them. She says they are insulting and assumes she is an idiot. Sadly, she will have no choice but to discuss them and provide financial documents if we divorce.

So, I think it's pretty clear I need to end this. I am sure it is perfectly clear to others, but for me it is a horribly difficult decision.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,162 Posts
Is your name on her credit cards? If not and you didn't cosign, check your state laws, but that would likely be her problem, and her income would be her assets if you've not been mixing them, though most couples do mix them and unless you wanted to spend a year paying a forensic accountant to tally it up $$$$$, you'd just have to round things off if you divorced.

I wouldn't drive 75 minutes to work for anyone. I guess if that's total back and forth 75 minutes, that's okay. The only fair thing is to live in the middle. I think it's fine to move the kids to a new school as long as it's timed right and isn't done every other year to uproot them. Today they can stay in contact with old friends anyway with internet. Having one's best friend in a certain place never stopped me or any of my friends. Again, you can stay in touch anyway and it would make a nice day trip on the weekend.

Sounds like she's used to getting her way, and that happens in a marriage because you can't both always have your ways, but something this important, it should be a compromise. If I were you, I'd stay over sometimes in a motel or something to lessen the hardship, but that's me and I'm single!!
 
  • Like
Reactions: james9845

·
Registered
Joined
·
76 Posts
So, I tried discussing things with my wife, and nothing has gone well to this point. She was totally triggered at the mere mention of a post-nup and immediately started her silent treatment routine. I tried presenting my ideas in a rational, non-accusatory manner. I offered my equity in our home in lieu of alimony, which is more than the total sum of alimony she would likely receive if we were to divorce. I offered to give her other things to limit the amount of my pension that is negotiable. I also asked to put in a clause regarding financial transparency, that each spouse, at the request of the other, would provide financial documents (credit card, bank, credit reports, etc) to the other. She refuses! She says she'll never sign a post-nup. I stated that the ideas I presented were simply a starting point, and that we should discuss them. She won't even discuss them. She says they are insulting and assumes she is an idiot. Sadly, she will have no choice but to discuss them and provide financial documents if we divorce.

So, I think it's pretty clear I need to end this. I am sure it is perfectly clear to others, but for me it is a horribly difficult decision.
Did you run the idea of a postnup past your lawyer to be sure this is even a legal option for you, where you live? They're not worth the paper they're written on in a lot jurisdictions, so it may be a mute point trying to get her to sign one.

Either way, you need to cut and run from this dumpsterfire now or you'll end up living a pisspoor retirement when she's done bleeding you dry and cuts and runs on you later.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #35 ·
Did you run the idea of a postnup past your lawyer to be sure this is even a legal option for you, where you live? They're not worth the paper they're written on in a lot jurisdictions, so it may be a mute point trying to get her to sign one.

Either way, you need to cut and run from this dumpsterfire now or you'll end up living a pisspoor retirement when she's done bleeding you dry and cuts and runs on you later.
My attorney suggested a post-nup since I was so on the fence about divorce. I'm telling her today I'm done.

Thank you everyone for the responses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
183 Posts
My attorney suggested a post-nup since I was so on the fence about divorce. I'm telling her today I'm done.

Thank you everyone for the responses.
Best of luck! In talking with her make it clear of all the times you have tried in this message and she has refused them all and then say you will not share anything with me about your finances but you will now. I would make sure she feels some pain after what she has inflected on you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Best of luck! In talking with her make it clear of all the times you have tried in this message and she has refused them all and then say you will not share anything with me about your finances but you will now. I would make sure she feels some pain after what she has inflected on you.

Just to be sure, I know I have a hand in the failure of my marriage. I know that I have not been perfect. I just hope I did things mostly right during our marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,522 Posts
So, I tried discussing things with my wife, and nothing has gone well to this point. She was totally triggered at the mere mention of a post-nup and immediately started her silent treatment routine. I tried presenting my ideas in a rational, non-accusatory manner. I offered my equity in our home in lieu of alimony, which is more than the total sum of alimony she would likely receive if we were to divorce. I offered to give her other things to limit the amount of my pension that is negotiable. I also asked to put in a clause regarding financial transparency, that each spouse, at the request of the other, would provide financial documents (credit card, bank, credit reports, etc) to the other. She refuses! She says she'll never sign a post-nup. I stated that the ideas I presented were simply a starting point, and that we should discuss them. She won't even discuss them. She says they are insulting and assumes she is an idiot. Sadly, she will have no choice but to discuss them and provide financial documents if we divorce.

So, I think it's pretty clear I need to end this. I am sure it is perfectly clear to others, but for me it is a horribly difficult decision.
I think you have allowed her to walk all over reasonable boundaries during your marriage. Is she from your culture? Is she supporting her family back home or something?
If she is working, where is all the money going, you have a right to know. She sounds downright unreasonable.
I think you have laid it out clearly, she seems to be using you for the comfort you provide without any accountability on her side. You are being transparent and reasonable. Time to pull the plug, get the lawyer and follow through, show her you mean business. Sometimes you have to be ready to lose the marriage to save it. To my mind any spouse who refuses to work with the other spouse and be transparent, is not worthy of working on the marriage.
 
21 - 40 of 50 Posts
Top