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This story is such a cliché but I would really appreciate some impartial advice and opinion. I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years. Im in my late 40s and so is he. We have a 9 year old daughter. For all of our relationship, I have been the breadwinner with him flitting from job to job whenever he got bored or it got tough. He has lots of good qualities..is clever generous and brilliant around the house.
The problem is this though..his temper is out of control. He gets frustrated with me at the drop of a hat, screams abuse at me regularly and frightens our daughter. I can honestly say that I don't love him, but when I suggest breaking up, he says that he has nothing apart from my daughter and I and will probably throw himself off a cliff.
He has no money..I pay for everything. He says he has no friends, even though he does. I genuinely don't think he will hurt himself, but I do worry about the impact it's going to have on our daughter. The worst thing about this whole situation is that the 3 of us have just started into a 9 month trip around Europe in a camper van. I've rented our home and taken a sabbatical from work.we are barely 3 weeks in and it's been a nightmare.i know I need to leave..I just don't know how and when. Please help...
 

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This story is such a cliché but I would really appreciate some impartial advice and opinion. I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years. Im in my late 40s and so is he. We have a 9 year old daughter. For all of our relationship, I have been the breadwinner with him flitting from job to job whenever he got bored or it got tough. He has lots of good qualities..is clever generous and brilliant around the house.
The problem is this though..his temper is out of control. He gets frustrated with me at the drop of a hat, screams abuse at me regularly and frightens our daughter. I can honestly say that I don't love him, but when I suggest breaking up, he says that he has nothing apart from my daughter and I and will probably throw himself off a cliff.
He has no money..I pay for everything. He says he has no friends, even though he does. I genuinely don't think he will hurt himself, but I do worry about the impact it's going to have on our daughter. The worst thing about this whole situation is that the 3 of us have just started into a 9 month trip around Europe in a camper van. I've rented our home and taken a sabbatical from work.we are barely 3 weeks in and it's been a nightmare.i know I need to leave..I just don't know how and when. Please help...
If you leave him and it's his daughter, he will still have some custody of his daughter so he will have no reason to use that as an excuse to make you feel bad about it. Truth is it sounds like he's dependent on you financially.

You can't keep him away from your daughter even though he scares her. It might be that if you two want together and it was just him and her during their days together that he wouldn't be yelling and carrying on like that.

You will both have to stay in the same vicinity where you've been living so you can share custody. You're going to need a attorney and a judge's order to be sure he doesn't just flake. And you need to understand you won't be able to just take off with your daughter. Hopefully things will calm down when you two aren't together anymore. I hope you can afford an attorney.
 

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If you love your daughter then leave him. Right now you're enabling his loser behavior and he hates you for it. That's not the kind of example you want to set for your daughter when it comes to relationships or men.

When you let him go you'll be giving him an opportunity to get back on his own two feet and regain his manhood. To become a good example. If he's got any decency in him he might even thank you for it someday.
 

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There is no question that you must leave so you start by starting.

Start contacting a solicitor and getting legal advice for your situation so you know what to do and what to expect.

Keep in mind that you are not responsible for your husband's temper or behavior especially after you leave.

He is emotionally abusing you and your daughter and he is basically saying he will do himself in if he can't continue to hurt you both.

Do not talk to him about it anymore, just get your legal counsel going. You may be able to get a more favorable custody judgement if you can show how his temper is hurting your daughter and how he threatens suicide.

Talk to a solicitor first before taking any action or choice.

You may want to dump him at a friend or relative's place if he can't even behave for this wonderful vacation you have arranged.

Your daughter deserves peace and something better and I suspect you certainly do as well.
 

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.his temper is out of control. He gets frustrated with me at the drop of a hat, screams abuse at me regularly and frightens our daughter.
How and why are you tolerating his behavior around a child, a CHILD?

You won't leave for yourself obviously, but at least protect the innocent child.

Your daughter is going to have major issues growing up in an enviornment like this and you're allowing it to continue by not taking the proper steps to do right by your daughter.

I can honestly say that I don't love him, but when I suggest breaking up, he says that he has nothing apart from my daughter and I and will probably throw himself off a cliff.
OP, it only takes one to break up, to divorce. You don't suggest breaking up, you either do it or you don't. Full stop.

He has no money..I pay for everything.
You are enabling a person who abuses your daughter and yourself.

Again, please do right by your innocent daughter and remove her from this abusive environment.
 

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I don’t mean to denigrate your comments, but have your spouse checked out medically by a psychiatrist. Your husband sounds a lot like me 30 years ago. I got sent to a psychiatrist who said I had a mood disorder. She prescribed one medication (no I won’t tell you it’s name.). Three days later the explosions disappear and I haven’t had one since.
 

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If you love your daughter then leave him. Right now you're enabling his loser behavior and he hates you for it. That's not the kind of example you want to set for your daughter when it comes to relationships or men.

When you let him go you'll be giving him an opportunity to get back on his own two feet and regain his manhood. To become a good example. If he's got any decency in him he might even thank you for it someday.
If you don’t leave him - he is the example your daughter will have as a man she will choose to marry. Is that the blueprint you want her to choose? She will choose what’s “normal” to HER… and normal to her is a man that doesn’t work and screams at the women in the home.

If you want to show her an example of a strong woman you will explain to her you’re divorcing him because he isn’t a provider and he doesn’t treat women with respect and honor.
 

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This has been going on for some time; how did it make sense to plan a 9 month camper van trip together?
Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie

The only way a road trip of such duration could happen is if both adults can keep the life together the entire time and where the kids are enabled to stay on schedule for their schooling or even get ahead of the game. It is possible, but only for the most able of adults.
 

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Your husband sounds exactly like my ex, almost to a tee. The finances, the work history, the verbal abuse, the suicide threats. All of it. I am a couple years younger only than you, and I have child a bit older than yours. Honestly, you and I could be twins. Read my threads if you don't believe me.

I am not here to guilt you about your daughter either but you should leave. Asking him to go will not work. You need to pack up and go. Give up all you own and just go. Stuff is replaceable. Peace of mind is not.

My best advice is stop thinking about it. Just get the separation part over quickly. Rip off the band aid. Move away the very second opportunity allows. This will give him less time to sweet talk or guilt you. There is no non messy way to do this.
 

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9 month road trip in a camper VAN? During covid times? WITH a young daughter?

yeah, of course you are going to have friction and issues. How can three people fit in a camper van? they are good for one, MAYBE two people. And those people have to be nice as heck to each other to make it work.

Can you find some cottages to stay in instead? give you more space so you guys are not in each other's faces 24/7? Maybe visit relatives or friends you have not seen in along time....i.e. get other people involved in what you are doing during the day.

Any chance you could park the van and do some overnight hiking? That strenuous hiking would help to calm him down.
 

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This story is such a cliché but I would really appreciate some impartial advice and opinion. I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years. Im in my late 40s and so is he. We have a 9 year old daughter. For all of our relationship, I have been the breadwinner with him flitting from job to job whenever he got bored or it got tough. He has lots of good qualities..is clever generous and brilliant around the house.
The problem is this though..his temper is out of control. He gets frustrated with me at the drop of a hat, screams abuse at me regularly and frightens our daughter. I can honestly say that I don't love him, but when I suggest breaking up, he says that he has nothing apart from my daughter and I and will probably throw himself off a cliff.
He has no money..I pay for everything. He says he has no friends, even though he does. I genuinely don't think he will hurt himself, but I do worry about the impact it's going to have on our daughter. The worst thing about this whole situation is that the 3 of us have just started into a 9 month trip around Europe in a camper van. I've rented our home and taken a sabbatical from work.we are barely 3 weeks in and it's been a nightmare.i know I need to leave..I just don't know how and when. Please help...
You should sit down with him and say I care about you, but I have noticed changes. You are angry and its gotten to the point I am frightened and you are threatening to hurt yourself. I don't blame you if you are experiencing some mental health issues and I will be there for you as I want the person I fell in love to return. However with that being said, neither our daughter or I will continue to be subjected to this abuse. I will not have our child around someone threatening to harm themselves or continued angry outbursts. You have 48 hours to schedule help with a mental health professional. I will be with you to verify that you actually go. I however will stay in the waiting room if it makes you feel better to talk one on one about whatever is going on and to figure out a treatment plan.

If you refuse to go or follow a treatment plan, then I no longer see a future for us and will take whatever steps needed to protect our daughter. I will also report your intentions for self harm. I do not want to see you hurt, but the decision is yours to make.
 

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You should sit down with him and say I care about you, but I have noticed changes. You are angry and its gotten to the point I am frightened and you are threatening to hurt yourself. I don't blame you if you are experiencing some mental health issues and I will be there for you as I want the person I fell in love to return. However with that being said, neither our daughter or I will continue to be subjected to this abuse. I will not have our child around someone threatening to harm themselves or continued angry outbursts. You have 48 hours to schedule help with a mental health professional. I will be with you to verify that you actually go. I however will stay in the waiting room if it makes you feel better to talk one on one about whatever is going on and to figure out a treatment plan.

If you refuse to go or follow a treatment plan, then I no longer see a future for us and will take whatever steps needed to protect our daughter. I will also report your intentions for self harm. I do not want to see you hurt, but the decision is yours to make.
i am not sure how a treatment plan would work with them on the road, moving from country to country the next nine months?
 

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No school for the nine year old daughter? That's odd.

Well for the short term, rent a small travel trailer and hitch it to the van. Hubby can stay in there.
 

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Why do you stay?
Sadly, many who are in abusive relationships can't leave. Don't quote me as I'm paraphrasing, but it takes like 8 times or so for a person to leave an abusive relationship.

I'm not speaking about OP now directly, but generally folks lack self-esteem, lack self-confidence in order to stay in an abusive relationship.

I mean, a person with self-esteem and self-confidence would not put up with things such as OP wrote in her post, like:

his temper is out of control. He gets frustrated with me at the drop of a hat, screams abuse at me regularly and frightens our daughter. I can honestly say that I don't love him
She doesn't want to stay or to be in this situation, but she isn't strong enough to get out.
 

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I am thinking that the pupose of the 9 month van trip was to get out of their rut, see new things, and maybe calm him down with the newness of being on the road.

that does not seem to be working, as hoped. So, how do they get back on track.

Well, a known cure for depression is aerobic exercise. so maybe the van trip is modified to include a lot of walking/hiking. You drive up to a trail head, park the van, and first thing next morning you go hike up a mountain with your back packs....eat lunch up on the mountain, come back nearly exhausted. That alone might change his disposition for the better.

yes, zoom calls to a psychologist/psychiatrist would be helpful. As would possibly some prescription meds for his mood.

there are over the counter things to calm a person, like St John's Wort--it takes four weeks to start working so stick with it.

Also, maybe develop some coping mechanisms for him to let out his rage in more acceptable ways? "Count to ten" before speaking, etc.

Mood swings and irritability during the day? Any chance he is diabetic or pre-diabetic? Is he stopping to pee every hour, drinking lots of fluids? Is he more argumentative just before supper time? You are probably eating a lot of easy carbs on the road, and that might be making keeping his blood sugar in check even harder. You can not expect him to be calm and reasoned if his blood sugar is all over the place!
 
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