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My wife and I have been married for just over five years and in a committed relationship together for nearly 10. Both of us are about 30 years old and we do not currently have any children (although we are planning to begin a family in the next 1-2 years). We also work full-time jobs (my wife is a veterinarian, I am a college professor).

My wife and I have sex regularly (I would say twice a week on average), but she has never received pleasure from sex (in fact, quite the opposite as she will at times reluctantly admit after the fact that she experienced a fair amount of "friction" discomfort). For what it's worth, it does no appear that using extra lube helps in this regard.

To me, her lack of sexual arousal seems to stem from an inherent lack of sexual desire. My wife is a beautiful woman, and highly intelligent. Let's just say that I am not a bad looking guy myself, and we both love each other very deeply. Also, for my part, I certainly try to provide regular positive reinforcement about how much I love her, find her sexy, and those sorts of things. I'm a pretty romantic guy, and it's not all that uncommon for me to surprise her with a romantic dinner or "just because" type gift.

I know it is easy to say "well, your wife has ways of getting herself off, and she is just keeping it a secret...", but trust me, this is not the case. I know my wife very well, and she doesn't know how to lust. She doesn't even occasionally fantasize about other people (whether they be Hollywood celebrities or some ripped construction worker she passes on the street). The only time my wife reaches orgasm is when I use a vibrator on her before sex, but she has NO INTEREST in using the vibrator or otherwise stimulating herself in my presence or absence. This makes no sense to me because I would think that she would want to use the vibrator more frequently given the amount of pleasure she gets from it (she's not faking). On a couple different occasions when I was going out of town for a multi-day conference or something of the sort I took note of the EXACT placement/position of the vibrator before I left... and when I came home it was in precisely the same place. Basically, the moral of the story is that I could get enlisted to fight in WWIII tomorrow, be gone for several years, and there is not a doubt in my mind that the time would come and go without her trying to get herself off once. She is emphatic that she just doesn't need to get off and doesn't get horny like other women might. She also says that she thinks she might have more sex drive in general if life was less busy/stressful (she works 60-hr weeks as a vet, and this is obviously mentally taxing work), but I don't know that I really believe this to be true since she wasn't more sexual during our relatively care-free days in college.

I have heard again and again that many women who have lacked much of a sex drive ultimately are able to have a "break through" by learning their bodies through masturbation. I have encouraged my wife to do this by letting her know that I want her to get the same fulfillment/pleasure out of our sex lives as I do. Most guys might be of the mindset that they could care less how things felt for their wives as long as they were "getting theirs," but that's not the way I operate.

I could really use suggestions about how to go about encouraging my wife to masturbate (or otherwise improving her wife's sexual experience) so that we can both get a lot out of our sex lives. My sense is there is a sort of psychological barrier that is representing itself in a physical way, but I can't seem to make progress on my own. Also, for what it's worth, my wife grew up in a loving home and has never experienced any sort of traumatic event in her life (i.e., victim of sexual assault, etc.) that you might naturally expect could/would undermine someone's sexual desire.

Any thoughts, suggestions, or words of encouragement would me appreciated... :/
 

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My thought is that you can't "get" someone to want sex or to lust after you.

And I also think you do not know her as well as you think you do.

Someone or some situation gets her going.

And you're frustrated because you want it to be you.

If I were you I'd stop the gyrations. Clearly, they are not working.
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This topic seems to come up periodically on the forum.

The hard part about it is that you can't really make someone want to do something that they don't really want to. If she doesn't really want to masturbate, you can't make her. And there would be no guarantees it would help anyway - I'm more of a believer that within a marriage you should work together to explore your sexuality.

See I think you may be trying to tackle the problem in a physical way (by trying to get your wife to masturbate), and it may actually need to be attacked in a more emotional way - especially if your wife needs to have an emotional connection to want to have sex. If that is missing for her, it can make it more difficult for her to be able to really let go.

And you being a man have an advantage with 10 times more testosterone (the hormone that makes you feel lustfulness) than your wife likely has. So, it may be easier for you to think of solutions to improving your sex life as having to exist in the physical realm, but for your wife they may need to exist in the emotional realm.

So, go look at the following and then contemplate whether you are really looking at this from your perspective and viewpoint versus hers. Masturbation or sexual exploration on her own may not be the missing link to improving your sex life after all.

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Best wishes.
 

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Thanks, Enchantment... my wife and I both read the articles you provided by Dr. Harley (the one that your link initially took us to, and then another that linked off of that one related to addressing sexual aversion). I think there is a lot of useful suggestions laid out in both of these pieces. After reading the articles, my wife believes that her sexual aversion stems from the condition referred to as "vaginismus" (a physical condition described in detail in another article about feeling discomfort during sex). Of course, even if she is able to address the physical condition and alleviate the discomfort she feels during sex, it will still be necessary for both of us to commit to working through the sexual aversion aspect, and other emotional issues that grew as a result.

I realize that this will take time and that we won't be having mutually enjoyable sex over night (or any sex at all for that matter while she is working through the physical discomfort and sexual aversion issues), but I am content waiting things out for however many weeks (or months) it takes. It's a small sacrifice to make if it means that she might be able to enjoy making love to me as much as I have always enjoyed making love to her. I also realize that it's possible that the physical/mental exercises that Dr. Harley recommends won't ultimately resolve our particular issue, but it's a good feeling to know that we are at least actively trying to address the problem head-on for the first time.

Thanks again for sharing Dr. Harley's insights.
 

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Thanks, Enchantment... my wife and I both read the articles you provided by Dr. Harley (the one that your link initially took us to, and then another that linked off of that one related to addressing sexual aversion). I think there is a lot of useful suggestions laid out in both of these pieces. After reading the articles, my wife believes that her sexual aversion stems from the condition referred to as "vaginismus" (a physical condition described in detail in another article about feeling discomfort during sex). Of course, even if she is able to address the physical condition and alleviate the discomfort she feels during sex, it will still be necessary for both of us to commit to working through the sexual aversion aspect, and other emotional issues that grew as a result.

I realize that this will take time and that we won't be having mutually enjoyable sex over night (or any sex at all for that matter while she is working through the physical discomfort and sexual aversion issues), but I am content waiting things out for however many weeks (or months) it takes. It's a small sacrifice to make if it means that she might be able to enjoy making love to me as much as I have always enjoyed making love to her. I also realize that it's possible that the physical/mental exercises that Dr. Harley recommends won't ultimately resolve our particular issue, but it's a good feeling to know that we are at least actively trying to address the problem head-on for the first time.

Thanks again for sharing Dr. Harley's insights.
I'd also recommend having her T and E levels checked. It's quite common for a lack of drive/desire to be because of a hormonal imbalance. This issue is VERY treatable either through prescription therapy, or many people use herbal supplements.

Definitely have her get her levels checked. I'm not sure, but I thought I've read that better levels can help alleviate the discomfort she feels as well.
 

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I'm thinking it more of an emotional/mental thing. I'd look at you're wife's background, her upbringing and her attitudes towards sex. My wife enjoys sex a lot. We have a rich sexual relationship and can get pretty kinky. She masturbates, but usually quietly and secretly. She won't use toys, or masturbate openly (lights on, middle of the day) or do anything to enhance the experience (lingerie, erotica, porn), though she is comfortable with all those things if we're having sex.

She admits she was caught as a girl and told she was being bad and she still feels that way. She has done it a few times at my request (toys, middle of the day, lingerie, even filmed it for me), but she just won't do it on her own.

I could be physical, but I'd bet your wife has some hang ups of one kind or another. It's worth discussing with her. She may not even realize she has these attitudes until you discuss them.
 

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She has done it a few times at my request (toys, middle of the day, lingerie, even filmed it for me), but she just won't do it on her own.
This sums up me. Honestly it does nothing for me to do it by myself. I have told my husband this when he asked if i did masturbate when he was away like for army training and when i told him no he thought I was weird but now he just accepts it. Its not for everyone. So if she doesn't want to you really can't make her.
 

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This sums up me. Honestly it does nothing for me to do it by myself. I have told my husband this when he asked if i did masturbate when he was away like for army training and when i told him no he thought I was weird but now he just accepts it. Its not for everyone. So if she doesn't want to you really can't make her.
My wife doesn't see the value. It feels good, she enjoys the pleasure she gives herself, but there is no intimacy. She sees it as kind of hollow. As a guy, I don't get it, but that doesn't mean its not valid.

However, I am appreciative that she will do it when I ask because she knows how much it turns me on:D
 

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Thanks, Enchantment... my wife and I both read the articles you provided by Dr. Harley (the one that your link initially took us to, and then another that linked off of that one related to addressing sexual aversion). I think there is a lot of useful suggestions laid out in both of these pieces. After reading the articles, my wife believes that her sexual aversion stems from the condition referred to as "vaginismus" (a physical condition described in detail in another article about feeling discomfort during sex). Of course, even if she is able to address the physical condition and alleviate the discomfort she feels during sex, it will still be necessary for both of us to commit to working through the sexual aversion aspect, and other emotional issues that grew as a result.

I realize that this will take time and that we won't be having mutually enjoyable sex over night (or any sex at all for that matter while she is working through the physical discomfort and sexual aversion issues), but I am content waiting things out for however many weeks (or months) it takes. It's a small sacrifice to make if it means that she might be able to enjoy making love to me as much as I have always enjoyed making love to her. I also realize that it's possible that the physical/mental exercises that Dr. Harley recommends won't ultimately resolve our particular issue, but it's a good feeling to know that we are at least actively trying to address the problem head-on for the first time.

Thanks again for sharing Dr. Harley's insights.
If she really feels she has vaginismus, or has discomfort often during sex, then she should go see her ob/gyn.
 

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I know this is a fairly old thread but have just joined and have first hand experience with my wife who was averse to masturbation.
She sometimes orgasms when we have sex but most often not.
I suggested she masturbate to make up for it but she wasn't particularly up for it.
I had to come up with some kind of idea so asked her to sit on the sofa with her legs open so I could look at her, she wasn't up for it but I eventually with a lot of reassurance I coaxed her into doing it. She sat for a while and I looked between her open legs. I made sure she saw the bulge in my trousers.
I then asked her to remove her panties to which I got an overwhelming NO!
So I went over to her and stroked her crotch and complimented her on how good it felt which seemed to relax her a little.
Again I asked her to take off her panties and got yet another no but not as firmly this time.
I commented that her panties were feeling damp and she blushed a little. I said she would be better off taking them off but that was a no-go.
So I stroked her a bit longer and tried to take them off for her, there was some resistance but not a lot.
I got them off and put her legs on the sofa an she say with her legs spread wide.
She said that was unfair as I wasn't showing, no problem, trousers off, penis out.
I opened her vagina lips and started to stroke her clit, she was looking at my penis and her legs were starting to twitch.
Within 3 minutes she orgasmed, her first finger clit orgasm.
We did this a number of times and as we got more open she started to do herself, sometimes alone, sometimes in front of me.
Nowadays she masturbates before we have sex as she says she has a fantastic orgasm when I do her after she has masturbated.
So my advice is start gently and then see how it goes.
 
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