Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
41 - 60 of 185 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,059 Posts
We’re at 2-3 times per week. All of it my initiation. I am NOT lacking in a “physical need” capacity. I’m looking for more enthusiasm, excitement, adventurousness, activeness. I can’t help but wonder if more of that is within her, but restrained for reasons I can’t understand.
At 2-3x/week, you're probably already at the high end of the typical range for a 25-year relationship with kids. Keep in mind what you're trying to achieve is not very typical unless the relationship has been passionate all along. It's like you have the goose who lays golden eggs, but you're frustrated because the eggs aren't big enough.

I hate the binary path here. Could there not be a third way? Perhaps I’m greedy, wanting the same wife, the same life, AND a more exciting sex life. I’m not willing to throw in the towel just yet (although there have been days where I’ve sworn to myself that I’m done trying).
One thing that can likely be achieved is to have sex with more emotional connection. She may not be more passionate, but she could find the sex more enjoyable and fulfilling. You can help a lot by being more emotionally engaged on a regular basis. Like, when she talks to you, really listen and want to be there like you did at the start of the relationship. But don't do it as a manipulation tactic to get more sex. Do it because you love her and want her to be happy.

I also can't help wondering if the TRT is amping up your sex drive and making you more single-focused. Why are you on that? If you had to choose between staying on TRT or your marriage, which would you pick?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,967 Posts
Sorry, Diana... no. If a man plays his cards right (and with pharmaceutical help, as I pointed out), he CAN be in great shape, look good, have a maturity and wisdom that only comes with age, have his finances in order, etc. The world is his oyster.
Sorry I thought you meant sexual peak.

I guess what you say applies to us all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,967 Posts
We’re at 2-3 times per week. All of it my initiation. I am NOT lacking in a “physical need” capacity. I’m looking for more enthusiasm, excitement, adventurousness, activeness. I can’t help but wonder if more of that is within her, but restrained for reasons I can’t understand.



I hate the binary path here. Could there not be a third way? Perhaps I’m greedy, wanting the same wife, the same life, AND a more exciting sex life. I’m not willing to throw in the towel just yet (although there have been days where I’ve sworn to myself that I’m done trying).
I have noticed that some men think that their wives must be like they are sexually and seem surprised when they aren't.

Why can't she be happy with your 2-3 times a week(which is quite a lot for a couple in their 50's BTW) and have to have some sort of hidden restrained sexuality? She is not you and you are not her. The story about the weekend away and wanting her to think of one thing that you havent done sexually that you can try on that weekend is a case in point. Not a good idea.

As for the 5%, I was thinking of the 5% as being a percentage of all the good things that you have in your life. Your wife, marriage, home, children, family, friends etc etc. Yes and a wife who is more than happy to have frequent regular sex with you.

The way that you stop being discontent is to stop letting your mind dwell on these things you think you lack, and think instead of the countless good things that you enjoy. Its a discipline. Be thankful.

Also I have no idea if you are porn user, but if you are then stop. Porn gives men a totally unrealistic idea of what women do and think and want, its acting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,309 Posts
I love my husband. I’m super sexually attracted to him. We have a great sex life, I am very satisfied. The only problem is... it’s not enough for him. He is always pushing me, and wanting more and different. Sometimes I think he wants me to put on a fake performance for him. Why can’t I be enough the way I am? Sometimes he loses his erection and doesn’t finish, and all I can think about is I am not enough.

-your wife
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #45
First of all, if you are watching porn, stop it immediately. That stuff will rewire your brain to make you believe that all women want and do the stuff that is portrayed in those films. It's not reality...not by a long shot. So get that stuff out of your head.
I agree with you. Every once in a while I had peeked at some porn just to try and get my engine running so that I could then go to my wife. While I know 90%+ of the women in there are faking it for money, I also know full well there really are women who enjoy sex that much and are vocal, active, and get into becoming ever better at pleasing their partner. I quit looking because THAT became too painful, since I know that’s not my wife, and most likely, never will be. Isn’t that crazy? I think the attitude portrayed in porn is WAY more sexy than fake boobs etc. Yes, I know most of it is fake, but damn it’s sexy as hell. I’m not saying I expect my wife to act like a porn star but just that she show some enthusiasm!

Second, I think you have a good understanding of your wife's personality. You will not change that so start working with it. In my case, I had to come to the place where I understood that I was going to have to be in charge of our sex life. I have a responsive desire wife and it sounds like you do as well. So you have to take a leadership role and take her where you want to go. Don't ask her to think of things to do. That will be your job. And be reasonable. I mean, you shouldn’t go pushing through hard limits, things they’re not ready for yet, feel morally opposed to (like drugs) or acts that are immoral. But, that still leaves a lot of activities for most people.
Right. I’m not asking her for threesomes or anything like that. It’s really more about the attitude than the specific acts. Short of bringing other people in, we both think everything’s morally fine.

Also understand that she is not broken so you have nothing to fix. She's just different. So you have to adjust and be okay with being the initiator. I wanted my wife to think about sex more as well. Sexting is one thing that worked for me. Kept the wife thinking about sex and she was more enthusiastic about it when I got home.
As I said before, I fully understand she’s not broken. I’m looking to nurture and grow what just may be already there. Your idea to proactively sext is a good one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,695 Posts
I love my husband. I’m super sexually attracted to him. We have a great sex life, I am very satisfied. The only problem is... it’s not enough for him. He is always pushing me, and wanting more and different. Sometimes I think he wants me to put on a fake performance for him. Why can’t I be enough the way I am? Sometimes he loses his erection and doesn’t finish, and all I can think about is I am not enough.

-your wife
Unfortunately and as hard as I may be to accept, she may not be. And that is NOT her fault. This isn't about her, it's about him. She has already expressed what her limits are and what she is comfortable with. He has to make the decision whether or not he can live with it. This is why it is so important to make sure that you are sexually compatible with someone before you enter a LTR.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #47
Are you saying you are getting starfish sex and want bronco sex? Or are you saying you want her to initiate more or get more excited about it when you make your move?
She’s not full starfish but leans that way. I would like her to get more excited when I make my move. I would love for her to initiate more but I know that won’t happen since she’s very responsive desire.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #48
@emcsquared why did you start on the TRT? Was it a choice or were you medically diagnosed with low testosterone.
At 45 I was medically diagnosed with ridiculously low T. Like that of an 80+ yr old.

Did your start noticing your wife's sexual inadequacies more after you went on the TRT?
Not at all. And I don’t like the term “inadequacies”. I just want to bring something out of her that I suspect is in her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #49
First of all, marijuana is known to enhance sexual pleasure, so she may not be able to have such an intense experience without it.
I have heard that and experienced it myself. For me, it was awesome! For her? “Never again” :(

I think the response that your wife had scared her for some reason. Do you think she was embarrassed by her response?
If she was she didn’t communicate that to me. I thought it was more that she had never been high before and she was overwhelmed. I get that part, but what saddens me was that there’s no denying she enjoyed herself 1000x more than I’d ever seen. What I don’t understand is why wouldn’t she, at least in some degree, want to have fun like that again?




If you are trying to change your wife, that is probably a pointless endeavor.
Believe me, I know this :)

Like someone else mentioned, if she wanted you to get excited about shoe shopping, that would probably be pointless as well. Some people don't have a high sex drive and are not that into sex. That doesn't mean she's not into you or that she doesn't care about you. I think you may be taking this too personally when it's not you she isn't into. It's just that she doesn't place a high value on sex. She is available to you when you want sex, which gives me the impression that she's really into you. She'd have to be in order to have sex whenever you want and not resist or complain. Instead she happily goes along with what you like without complaint.
That’s helpful and appreciated coming from a woman’s perspective. Thank you.

I understand that you want your wife to enjoy sex as much as you do and that you want some different things, but I don't think it's something you want to ruin your marriage over. Your wife loves you and supports you.

I think it would be helpful for you to be thankful for your wife and to not take it personally that she isn't creative in bed. If you want something different, ask her or take the initiative and try it out. See if she enjoys it, but don't expect her to suddenly become more creative in that area.
Tried that. That’s just not her comfort zone. I’ve tried to encourage her to be vocal during sex, dirty talk, etc. The most she could do was a whisper but A for effort I guess?

It sounds like she's perfectly happy with you and your sex life the way it is and may be afraid, embarrassed, just plain disinterested to try anything new on her own.

When you wife told you her one and only fantasy, what did you do to fulfill it for her?
I’ve known that about her for some time and so I always look for unusual locations where she feels 100% safe and do that for her. She digs it.

What about this fact? She has never once asked me what my fantasies are. Is that because she just doesn’t care? Or is she fearful what I might say?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #51
At 2-3x/week, you're probably already at the high end of the typical range for a 25-year relationship with kids. Keep in mind what you're trying to achieve is not very typical unless the relationship has been passionate all along. It's like you have the goose who lays golden eggs, but you're frustrated because the eggs aren't big enough.
I truly value what I have. It’s great. Is it so wrong to aspire to even greater? Yes, of course, not at the cost of driving her insane. Not gunna do that.



One thing that can likely be achieved is to have sex with more emotional connection. She may not be more passionate, but she could find the sex more enjoyable and fulfilling. You can help a lot by being more emotionally engaged on a regular basis. Like, when she talks to you, really listen and want to be there like you did at the start of the relationship. But don't do it as a manipulation tactic to get more sex. Do it because you love her and want her to be happy.
I dare say I’m pretty good at that. She enjoys dumping all the cares of the day, kids, etc. on me and I listen. We’re in this together.

I also can't help wondering if the TRT is amping up your sex drive and making you more single-focused. Why are you on that? If you had to choose between staying on TRT or your marriage, which would you pick?
Even my doc, who’s known to be resistant to starting TRT insisted I start due to the now-proven ill health effects of very low T. Believe it or not, I am NOT a horn dog! In fact, my drive is all but crashing now. My T has merely been restored to what it should be for my age - it’s not in the thousands.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,482 Posts
What about this fact? She has never once asked me what my fantasies are. Is that because she just doesn’t care? Or is she fearful what I might say?
Based on what you've told us about her, I don't think she doesn't care about what you think or feel. It seems it's more that her mind doesn't go there, so she doesn't consider it anything to ask about.

Is your wife a naturally reserved person or is she normally an emotionally expressive person?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #53
I love my husband. I’m super sexually attracted to him. We have a great sex life, I am very satisfied. The only problem is... it’s not enough for him. He is always pushing me, and wanting more and different. Sometimes I think he wants me to put on a fake performance for him. Why can’t I be enough the way I am? Sometimes he loses his erection and doesn’t finish, and all I can think about is I am not enough.

-your wife
I don’t push her. I very occasionally bring up exploring & “more”. Would it be fair to summarize your sentiment this way: my desire for enriching our sex life with more variety & enthusiasm is a total rejection of my wife?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,309 Posts
I don’t push her. I very occasionally bring up exploring & “more”. Would it be fair to summarize your sentiment this way: my desire for enriching our sex life with more variety & enthusiasm is a total rejection of my wife?


If I put myself in your wife’s shoes I would feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. It’s also a crappy feeling when your man can’t finish.
You want more, she is happy with what she has. The question is do you NEED more?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #55
Is your wife a naturally reserved person or is she normally an emotionally expressive person?
By her own admission, she’s changed somewhat. When we built a house she wanted the neighborhood to socialize with other moms. I wanted acreage. For her well being, we did the neighborhood. Now she wishes we had done the acreage. She’s not reserved. She’s right smack in the middle of the introvert/extrovert scale. It’s a stressful season with the kids right now so there’s no problem with her expressing her anger with them (or me on occasion) lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter #56
If I put myself in your wife’s shoes I would feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. It’s also a crappy feeling when your man can’t finish.
You want more, she is happy with what she has. The question is do you NEED more?
The not finishing is a medical/hormonal issue. The TRT does NOT make me a horn-dog and my entire body feels completely different from when I was younger. It sucks. I have zero issues with blood flow so erections are no problem. It’s the other part where I feel more numb due to who-knows-what hormonal imbalance. Or is it all in the brain? I just don’t know.

I’m sure that’s part of what’s driving me for more enthusiasm & excitement in our sex life. She’s very hurt if I can’t finish and I don’t want to hurt her. I’ve told her repeatedly it’s 90% a medical issue, but, as you have stated, many women don’t react well to that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,309 Posts
The not finishing is a medical/hormonal issue. The TRT does NOT make me a horn-dog and my entire body feels completely different from when I was younger. It sucks. I have zero issues with blood flow so erections are no problem. It’s the other part where I feel more numb due to who-knows-what hormonal imbalance. Or is it all in the brain? I just don’t know.



I’m sure that’s part of what’s driving me for more enthusiasm & excitement in our sex life. She’s very hurt if I can’t finish and I don’t want to hurt her. I’ve told her repeatedly it’s 90% a medical issue, but, as you have stated, many women don’t react well to that.


I totally understand. But when it happens every women is going to think it’s her. You even said you may have lost attraction for her and you need her to up the ante so you can finish.
I’m a medical person, I get how the penis works. But when it happens to me, it still feels crappy. When you also add that your trying to encourage her to be more enthusiastic, and to try new things...of course she is going to feel bad about herself and not good enough. Even if that’s not true it’it’s inevitable
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,263 Posts
Just in case it wasn’t clear in my other post I do not believe your wife is manipulating the situation or that she doesn’t care “about you”.

I have however found a solution to your problem: pot brownies.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
I'm a guy, early 50's, who many would describe as "having it all": good wife, healthy kids, big income, successful business owner, etc. I should be the happiest guy on the planet but one issue continues to haunt me: our sex life.

Even there, I have no big reason to complain. While she used to be a refuser/gatekeeper when the kids were younger she's come to understand that sex for me is far more than a simple physical release (which she used to think). For me, sex is the primary means of my emotional connection with her. Perhaps it's a personality defect in me but if our sex life ain't great then my emotional connection to her begins to fade. Happy to report she almost never says no anymore.

My challenge is our level of sexual compatibility and eagerness. I'm the far more "sexual" person who almost always has something bouncing around my head. It's just how I'm wired. Thing is, after being married 25 years I wonder if I'm losing my sexual attraction to her. I have no ED issues but during most sexual encounters with her, I have to fantasize HER having a loud orgasm (which isn't her, normally) in order for me to climax. There are times even that doesn't work and things go south quickly as she takes it personally if I fail to finish and she closes herself off for a day or two. I've seriously considered faking it to avoid that. I am on TRT if anyone's curious.

Imagine you could plot sexual desires and adventurousness on a linear scale. Mine would be very wide while hers would be much more narrow. I think there is some overlap between our two "scales" but not a ton. In her own words, she has no sexual fantasies. If gently pressed, the best she could come up with would be some unusual location, like on a deserted island. She's very satisfied with our status quo. Outside of the bedroom I've communicated a number of things I'd like her to think about and, when ready, come to me and say "let's do this". At the time she says sure! It never happens. It just has no significance to her at all.

It's important to say I know there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is who she is and I know I can't change that. When we married, I had only been with a few other women, one of whom was a sexual assault survivor, and understandably had ongoing major issues with sexual intimacy. Idiot that I was, I had a major KISA complex so we only had sex a handful of times over the course of several years, as I tried to help her heal. That relationship profoundly changed me. To this day I can't stomach any kind of rape scene in media and I'm also extremely sensitive to my wife's consent in whatever we do sexually, perhaps to an unhealthy degree. For example, if I suggest something sexually to my wife, and she responds with anything short of eagerness, I write it off, even tho I'd really like to try that (the thought of "pressing" myself sexually on a woman makes me physically ill). The frequent result is frustration on my part (mostly hidden to her).

What disappoints me most is the low value she ascribes to our sexuality, beyond having some kind of sexual relationship. Specifically, she simply doesn't think our sex life is worthy of much (any?) of her mindspace. Example: for our 20th anniversary, I took her on an extremely nice trip. Weeks ahead of time I gave her a very simple and fun assignment: with a smile, I asked her to think of one sexual act we had never done (there are many easy things in this category) and then on our anniversary trip I'd ask her what she'd come up with and then we'd do it. That way there'd be no pressure and she'd be in full control. When the time came, we're in this beautiful place, I asked her what she had thought of. Answer? Nothing. She hadn't given my request a minute of thought. I'll never forget that moment for the rest of my life. I was crushed on the inside, tho I did my best at hiding my profound disappointment, not wanting to ruin the trip over this. Only recently (years later) did I ask her about this, and she had no answer why she didn't think my request was worth any of her time. This still stings.

My wife is in every way a good person. She's faithful, a great mom, and almost never complains about anything. She does a magnificent job running our household. She works part-time just for fun and as a way to get out of the house. I take her out on "dinner dates" about 3 times per week.

Another wrinkle: she had never tried marijuana before but was willing to try with me now that it's legal (I hadn't smoked anything since college many years ago). We had the perfect opportunity not long ago and so we did. After a few hits I suddenly remembered the cautions how today's weed is stronger than decades ago, and we were both seriously baked. Thing is, we then had the most intense sexual encounter of my life, by orders of magnitude! The wife who's almost always been a "one and done" orgasm girl, must have orgasmed strongly at least 20 times. After I did (mind-blowing) she pulled my hands in with a toy because she simply wasn't finished yet <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_surprise.png" border="0" alt="" title="EEK! Surprise!" >:)</a> <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" >:)</a> (me absolutely loving every second of that!!). When we (she!) finally were done, I started this joyous laughter - laughingly saying "WTF just happened??". It was the stuff of dreams. I was thinking - I KNEW it!! I knew there was a sexual beast in her and we just unleashed it! Alas, the next day, the first words out of her mouth were, "I don't remember much, but I definitely NEVER want to do that again". Again, crushed. I had just had the best experience of my life, and it sure as HELL seemed like she did as well, and then the balloon popped with those words.

I can almost hear some of you saying: dude, either accept that's who she is and deal with it or leave her and move on. Leaving her would absolutely devastate the kids and devastate me financially. I do love her and do want us both to be happy together. The thing is, I am hung up with the possibility there's so much more in her sexual being if only I could coax it out. I've always envisioned marriage as a growth in getting to know your spouse on a deeper level continually, and that includes an ever-deepening sexual connection with a sense of adventurous exploration. For her, she knows that sex is important in a marriage but still doesn't think it warrants more thought than doing the same old routine. Again and again. Some might say if I'm bored then she sure is as well. I truly don't think so in our case. I know exactly how to push her buttons because what so stimulates me is seeing her pleasure.

90+% of our fights over the course of our marriage have to do with sex. My conclusion is that we must really suck at communicating on this topic and now there's so many past hurts that it's almost as if the well has been poisoned. Any convo now is laced with mines and she inevitably brings stuff up from 15+ years ago. I can't/won't change her, but is it wrong of me to want her to increase the value of our sexual relationship because it means so much to me? Is there any way to encourage her to expand her horizons, actually give some mental time to sex? I haven't figured out if having a more sexually enthusiastic wife is a need or only a desire but I fear for our long term future if we can't at least get on a positive track. I've noticed my own attitude towards sex staring to deteriorate and left untreated I know that will have a destructive impact on the relationship.

Thank you for reading this tome and in advance for your helpful ideas.
This is just my opinion about the OP and I have to admit that I’ve not read every response!!

I think OP’s point has been missed in what he was originally asking advice about!!

If I’m correct, in my understanding, the OP wants opinions on fixing things!!
To me, it seems he loves his wife and is desperate to find solutions in making her understand how important the sex/physical aspect of their relationship is to him!!!

Saying you’ve been coned, tricked, switched or played doesn’t help!!

Even if that’s true and regardless of his actions or efforts, he can come those conclusions on his own!!!

So often I read about what or how men should change!! Shouldn’t it be give and take in a relationship?? I don’t think, IMO, that he’s asking too much and has definitely tried by talking to portray his feelings??

Even by posting on TAM it shows a commitment and love for his wife most women could only hope for in a relationship!!!

In this age of equality, it’s ok for men to have feelings!! Is so difficult for women to listen or at least talk about their mans wants and needs??

Mismatch sex drives or pressure to take the initiative is BS!!! If he left you for a younger model, correct me if I’m wrong, women become proactive and take the lead!! Even if it’s purely for revenge??

I’m guessing the OP doesn’t want to become distant, start working out,etc....
He’s already in love and wants an answer!!

If I knew the answer I’d be a wealthy man!!
All I can say is keep trying and hope for enlightenment from a woman’s POV!!!

On saying all that I could be miles away from the OP’s thoughts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
472 Posts
So I’m a child because women don’t come on to me? Not following....
No, I was commenting on your naivete. Women exactly like your wife in your exact situation cheat. A lot more than you think. Just trust me on this one.

You were correct, in my opinion, that your wife's reaction to being high was an indicator of sexuality that is lying dormant. The fire is in there, obviously. You have to figure out how to pull it out. You may eventually come to the conclusion that she has too much baggage and resentment towards you and no combination of button pushing will get her to the headspace you want her to be in.
 
41 - 60 of 185 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top