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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am really not sure where to post this topic.

My husband and I divorced the end of August. He had an EA with his first wife and they were reconciling. Within about two weeks or so, she slept with her ex boyfriend, who she had lived with for several months before. He decided he was sticking with her for their kids' sake. (who are 14 and 16, not little children) So back on the 6th of this month, he texted me that they were through, she was sleeping with the ex bf's cousin! He was fed up, done, feeling dumb for thinking she could change. So shortly after our conversation, he texted again that she was trying to kill herself. So of course, he goes running to save her, just like she knew that he would. Well she almost succeeded. SO, he took her care upon himself, since her family pretty much doesnt give a damn (she is not only nuts, but has issues with drugs and alcohol, isnt she fun??) and found a treatment center for her. He took her in last Wed and within a few hours, she checked herself out! So of course, who has to go and rescue her?? Yep, now she is staying in the house with him and the kids, he is basically sitting on her so she doesnt try the whole suicide thing again. He got called out of town over the weekend and dragged her along with him. I dont have many details because he has limited contact for now because she is so unstable. (she hates me as much as I hate her evidently)

Now between that Saturday and treatment Wednesday, he and I had planned to get together, this is something that I have been hoping and praying for, as I am still in love with him even after the divorce. So of course that hasnt happened so far. She is always getting in the way of that happening, did it up big this time.

So what I am seeking help with...TO ME, she did this whole drama to manipulate him, and he went for it hook line and sinker. She has him exactly where she wanted him. He feels obligated because of his kids and their long history together to help her with this. I have tried to explain to him that he cannot sit on her forever, that she is a grown woman and entitled to live her own life, no matter how fvcked up it may be. Their kids are old enough that their relationship with their mother is between them and her, they have the power to keep it going or let it go. He is missing work because of this, he isnt sleeping, and is stressed to the max. He does not see how he is enabling her, he keeps saying that he HAS to do it. I am trying to be there for him as someone to lean on and be there for HIM while he goes through this, but does that make me an enabler as well?? What is the line between supportive friendship and enabling? (yes I have an ulterior motive, but truly care about his emotional well being) I sent him a link to a website that listed signs of being an enabler, there were like 20 of them, and every one sounded just like him! Part of me just wants to cut him out of my life completely, but then I realize that he really doesnt have any other emotional support at this point, and would feel guilty if I did that. Am I a bad person for feeling like he is enabling??

Thoughts?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Prodigal, he does have primary custody of their kids. And TRy, thats what I was afraid I've been doing, helping to enable the enabler.

I wasnt sure if it was my deep hatred for this woman that made me feel he was enabling her, I'm glad that others are confirming my thoughts. She interfered with our marriage the entire time, then had her old life dropped back into her lap, which included MY husband, and this is what she does with it. Keeps sleeping with other men, then pulls this crap to trap him and punish the kids for trying to distance themselves from her when they found out. She has no one to blame but herself for the huge pile of crap she has made of her life. And he doesnt seem to realize that he cannot fix her, and that she is controlling his entire life at this point. Its frustrating, and I know that it would be best for me mentally to step back. Its just a matter of getting myself to the point that I can do that. :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks so much for that insight Skyye! That is really helpful! I am trying to not check in on him today. He has barely been in contact since taking her in, so Im curious to see if he reaches out or not. I really just want to go over and shake him and tell him to snap out of it, but that isnt going to happen, lol! Nor would it help, it would just make ME feel better! He cant do this forever, he is entitled to a life of his own, without all this drama and bullcrap. I dont care if its with or without me, I just want to see him take back control of his life.
 
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