[3Xnocharm]

I am really not sure where to post this topic.

My husband and I divorced the end of August. He had an EA with his first wife and they were reconciling. Within about two weeks or so, she slept with her ex boyfriend, who she had lived with for several months before. He decided he was sticking with her for their kids' sake. (who are 14 and 16, not little children) So back on the 6th of this month, he texted me that they were through, she was sleeping with the ex bf's cousin! He was fed up, done, feeling dumb for thinking she could change. So shortly after our conversation, he texted again that she was trying to kill herself. So of course, he goes running to save her, just like she knew that he would. Well she almost succeeded. SO, he took her care upon himself, since her family pretty much doesnt give a damn (she is not only nuts, but has issues with drugs and alcohol, isnt she fun??) and found a treatment center for her. He took her in last Wed and within a few hours, she checked herself out! So of course, who has to go and rescue her?? Yep, now she is staying in the house with him and the kids, he is basically sitting on her so she doesnt try the whole suicide thing again. He got called out of town over the weekend and dragged her along with him. I dont have many details because he has limited contact for now because she is so unstable. (she hates me as much as I hate her evidently)

Now between that Saturday and treatment Wednesday, he and I had planned to get together, this is something that I have been hoping and praying for, as I am still in love with him even after the divorce. So of course that hasnt happened so far. She is always getting in the way of that happening, did it up big this time.

So what I am seeking help with...TO ME, she did this whole drama to manipulate him, and he went for it hook line and sinker. She has him exactly where she wanted him. He feels obligated because of his kids and their long history together to help her with this. I have tried to explain to him that he cannot sit on her forever, that she is a grown woman and entitled to live her own life, no matter how fvcked up it may be. Their kids are old enough that their relationship with their mother is between them and her, they have the power to keep it going or let it go. He is missing work because of this, he isnt sleeping, and is stressed to the max. He does not see how he is enabling her, he keeps saying that he HAS to do it. I am trying to be there for him as someone to lean on and be there for HIM while he goes through this, but does that make me an enabler as well?? What is the line between supportive friendship and enabling? (yes I have an ulterior motive, but truly care about his emotional well being) I sent him a link to a website that listed signs of being an enabler, there were like 20 of them, and every one sounded just like him! Part of me just wants to cut him out of my life completely, but then I realize that he really doesnt have any other emotional support at this point, and would feel guilty if I did that. Am I a bad person for feeling like he is enabling??

Thoughts?

 

[Blanca]

Part of me just wants to cut him out of my life completely, but then I realize that he really doesnt have any other emotional support at this point, and would feel guilty if I did that.

So you can probably understand where he is coming from then, right?

I think he is enabling her, too, but then I don't know what it would be like to have your spouse threatening suicide knowing what the kids would go through if she does that. He might not be doing it for her as much as he's trying to spare his kids that kind of memory. I have a sister who is a drug addict and a complete loser and I've completely cut her out of my life; but her daughter doesn't live with her. If my niece still lived with her that would be a different story. As sad as it is these drug addicts use their kids as weapons. They know you can turn your back on them in a second but you won't as long as there are kids involved. It's really sick.

 

[Prodigal]

I'm rather surprised your exH didn't get primary custody of the kids, given his wife's history. If he's doing all this for the sake of the kids, he should consider going for sole custody.

Yes, he is a classic enabler. But you are trying to make him see the light. That's his responsibility; not your's. He plays the role of rescuer/enabler/victim. You can't change anyone but yourself.

Stay out of the mess he has with his ex. It is his place to decide what he wishes to do; not your's. It sounds like she is a typical manipulative addict. The thing is, your husband does not wish to relinquish the current role he plays in this mess.

It would probably be a healthy move, on your part, to distance yourself from the situation as much as possible.

 

[TRy]

SO, he took her care upon himself, since her family pretty much doesnt give a damn (she is not only nuts, but has issues with drugs and alcohol, isnt she fun??) and found a treatment center for her.

Your husband likes crazy women. His first ex is the suicide type of crazy, and you are crazy to even want to be part of this when he has no concern for your needs. You are insane to even think about growing old with someone that will not be there for you.

Am I a bad person for feeling like he is enabling??

The only thing worse than an enabler is someone that enables an enabler.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Prodigal, he does have primary custody of their kids. And TRy, thats what I was afraid I've been doing, helping to enable the enabler.

I wasnt sure if it was my deep hatred for this woman that made me feel he was enabling her, I'm glad that others are confirming my thoughts. She interfered with our marriage the entire time, then had her old life dropped back into her lap, which included MY husband, and this is what she does with it. Keeps sleeping with other men, then pulls this crap to trap him and punish the kids for trying to distance themselves from her when they found out. She has no one to blame but herself for the huge pile of crap she has made of her life. And he doesnt seem to realize that he cannot fix her, and that she is controlling his entire life at this point. Its frustrating, and I know that it would be best for me mentally to step back. Its just a matter of getting myself to the point that I can do that.

 

[Skyye]

If you said to him, I just can't talk to you right now or be involved with what is going on, I wish you luck, this situation is too much for me, but if/when you get out of it I am open to talking to you...perhaps he will step back and take a look at what is really going on with his first ex wife.

I say this as I have been going thru "crazy husband" issues for four months now, my friend was helping me in every way, i vented to her every day, she just cut me off cold a few days ago (I was crushed) she said she was having nightmares that I was going to be injured or something, I feel she was exaggerating, but thats neither here nor there.

Since she has done that I have really looked differently at the situation and am wising up. If she were there for me now it would just keep continuing as I would have comfort in her support, I no longer have that and everything has changed.

(I will have her support when I leave him, but only then)

Don't know if that helps.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Thanks so much for that insight Skyye! That is really helpful! I am trying to not check in on him today. He has barely been in contact since taking her in, so Im curious to see if he reaches out or not. I really just want to go over and shake him and tell him to snap out of it, but that isnt going to happen, lol! Nor would it help, it would just make ME feel better! He cant do this forever, he is entitled to a life of his own, without all this drama and bullcrap. I dont care if its with or without me, I just want to see him take back control of his life.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Yay, I did it! I went the whole day without reaching out to him! Okay just ONE hour left....