Update; She cant drive because her grand mal seizures so in order for her to see that my heart was in the right place I offered to get up at 4:30 and give her a ride home at 2"30. The entire time she was questioning my integrity so I finally said "fine walk". I have just got off her Verizon account and opened a t-mobile account. She doesn't know it yet but she will soon be hit with a 300.00 early termination fee.
Emotionally cheating with ex
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I'm going to be harsher than most.
I've read this whole thread, and before I even came to her post, I already concluded as did Antheia; I think you are highly controlling, and that's why she doesn't care what you think. She's wanted an out for a long time. All the controlling and invasive phone calls and calling the ex etc, I mean, where's your dignity?
Are you explosive? Do you raise your voice a lot? Get annoyed when things arent' going your way? Who does all the cooking/cleaning etc. Her? You? Evenly split? I wonder that if you have all these allergies, you possibly don't work, and she is the main breadwinner and also 'carer' for you? Did she spend all that money on getting the apartment set up for you because you whine otherwise?
I suspect in relationship you are demanding, especially when you use words like "she has to prove to me", and "FB or me", and then you getting on and sending messages etc. That's controlling, manipulative behaviour. All across your posts I see language and phrases that come across as more than just rightful justice or her being honest with you, but rather, petulant insistence. I bet you've drilled the "all I want is honesty" into her over and over again and she still hasn't got it, right? Might have something to do with the 'drilling', which might also be applied to other, less contentious areas, and as everyone knows, drills start to become painful and noisy. I'm not suggesting she should lie to you, only, as you will see further down, I wonder if she has a very good reason for it...self-protection from obnoxious self-righteous and whiney behaviour. Not saying that's you, but it's certainly a reason why someone would lie. Certainly why I wound up lying to the controlling, demanding abusers I was in relationship with.
You are also come across as spiteful and vindictive- when you don't get your own way, you change the phones to ensure she's punished with a large bill. Do you usually somehow 'get back' at someone when they do something you don't like or you feel they've 'done you wrong'?
Is the reason she doesn't want a ride with you is that the whole way there you talk, talk, talk and talk at her, not with her? Or just ask a whole bunch of questions all the time and she has to tailor her answer for your 'approval'. (Although you won't notice this because it's all about how she's living up to what you want and whether her answers are 'acceptable' to you-even topics that are not related to her behaviour.). Are you always 'right'? Are you always finding some fault with some aspect of her views or opinions, where she goes, what she does, what she buys? Do you insist on knowing where she is at all times? Does she need to 'check in' with you? I surmise that the saying you are 'not reliable' is just a way of trying to get out of it without confronting you directly. No woman in a controlling, and perhaps abusive relationship, either physical or emotional abuse is going to say to her partner, "you are controlling and abusive" for fear of the response, which could range from anything from a verbal dressing down to being pushed in the chest, to outright slap in the head.
Just to put perspective on it, she may have problems, she indeed may have BPD. But I can also relate to her situation, and offer this story as a perspective:
I was once engaged to a guy who was very controlling. I broke off the engagement. Then there was enormous pressure from him, and emotional blackmail, and promises of behaviour change, to get me back again. So eventually I got worn down and I agreed, but I felt pushed. I didn't feel strong or safe enough to say 'no'. He was an emotional bully who wasn't really all that interested in me or my feelings, it was all about him. So what I did was one night I got drunk and slept with my housemate. The only time I ever had a one night stand, which I didn't believe in. I told him about it. Because secretly I believed he would drop me if I did this. And he didn't. He didn't drop me. Deep down, I didn't want to marry him, I knew I didn't want to, but there was so much pressure, from him ,from his family, plus my Dad had just died and I was very messed up...and very young.... At the same time, there was a friend whom he did not want me to hang around with, because he was a 'bad boy'. Yet despite what my fiance wanted, I felt more comfortable and happy and like I could 'be myself' with this 'bad boy' (who was always very good to me, though he used up other women) ,and I virtually couldn't stay away from him. Yes, you can say what I did was wrong, that I should've broken up with the fiance, but I was terrified of him. I was also getting my emotional needs met by this other guy. Well, suffice it to say I went and got married, the 'bad boy'' was even a groomsman, and 3.5 years later the marriage was a controlling, abusive mess and I left. Twenty years later, the 'bad boy' tracks me down via FB and strikes up a friendship with me which has quickly turned romantic, and I am as serious about him as he is about me. (He's no longer 'bad'). What's the moral of the story? That the guy I couldn't keep away from in my early 20's turns out to be, 20 years on, triggering the same feelings as back then, only now I have the benefit of time, distance and seperation and maturity to see it for what it was. I couldn't stay away from him, despite my fiance's demands, even though I sometimes felt bad, because I was in love with the bad boy. I just didn't have the maturity or strength of character to be able to do this or even admit this to myself. So I kept hanging out with him, going out, (my fiance was in another state), But I couldn't admit how I felt. Instead, I went with the 'safe', albeit controlling man. Falling in love with the 'bad boy' this time around 20 years later was easy - because it never went away. Now we are both free to pursue it, and he's the best man I've ever had-treats me wonderfully well, and I understand my childish behaviour much more now. I was just too scared to be without the fiance.
I imagine she has an element of fear operating in her - fear of you. She may need the attention of other men and will never be faithful, but my guess is she's also not getting what she needs from you. And perhaps like I did when young, she's hoping that her bad behaviour causes you to break it off so she doesn't have to and face your ire or demands to 'make it work'. I'm sorry if this isnt' as sympathetic as the other posts, but I see elements of where you are causing the problem, and that she may well indeed be shut down and has no 'voice' in the relationship. At no point have I seen any ponderance as to what you might be doing that might be contributing to this relationship breakdown? It's all about her. You mention, but do not elaborate on, several, if not many, previous relationships. Whilst there's been call to find out why she got a divorce, I'd also be asking about your history. How come you've never sustained a relationship? What would your previous partners say about you? What was your part in the breakdown? If you say 'nothing, it all happened, she this, she that', then you confirm what I suspect; though can't confirm, that you have a tendency toward highly controlling behaviour (for her own good, or the relationship, I imagine) and probably a temper along with it.
She lies because she hopes you will break it off - that way she doesn't have to be afraid of you. I notice throughout the entire thread it's always about her, what she does, how she does things wrong...what about you?
She lies to you because she's afraid of you, and doesn't love you, although at first she probably did until your 'other side' started to show, and that's why it was so easy for her to tell you it's over once you showed the thread (to me, is another indication of someone who is controlling and dominant) it was easy for her to just say it's over. Because the thread shows you've been discussing it, and she's seeing how you've written questioning whether you should be with her, and so now she now has 'permission' to say it's over, because she can see that you are already heading in that direction. Whew! Now you won't cause a scene. You may not like this post, but I felt I wanted to suggest another side to it. As someone who has been with abusive, controlling men, who act like the victim all the time but don't ever question their own behaviour, and how it's all her fault, I understand how she might feel.
I would be very curious to know what her response would be to my post. Or, if you are controlling, perhaps this is one you would make sure she doesn't see? And if so, would you be afraid that she might agree with some of it? A person who is not a bully or abusive or overly controlling would feel totally confident in showing my post to their partner. A person who does exhibit those behaviours, however, would not want to show it for fear of being confirmed. And if this is you, then you might need to get some help to enact some behaviour and attitude changes yourself if you are ever to sustain a healthy relationship.
I am not saying I am right in all of this - just that I see other possibilities. But I do know this much:
I hope you can seperate amicably and stop any spite and vindictiveness now. It will only eat you.
Metta
I've read this whole thread, and before I even came to her post, I already concluded as did Antheia; I think you are highly controlling, and that's why she doesn't care what you think. She's wanted an out for a long time. All the controlling and invasive phone calls and calling the ex etc, I mean, where's your dignity?
Are you explosive? Do you raise your voice a lot? Get annoyed when things arent' going your way? Who does all the cooking/cleaning etc. Her? You? Evenly split? I wonder that if you have all these allergies, you possibly don't work, and she is the main breadwinner and also 'carer' for you? Did she spend all that money on getting the apartment set up for you because you whine otherwise?
I suspect in relationship you are demanding, especially when you use words like "she has to prove to me", and "FB or me", and then you getting on and sending messages etc. That's controlling, manipulative behaviour. All across your posts I see language and phrases that come across as more than just rightful justice or her being honest with you, but rather, petulant insistence. I bet you've drilled the "all I want is honesty" into her over and over again and she still hasn't got it, right? Might have something to do with the 'drilling', which might also be applied to other, less contentious areas, and as everyone knows, drills start to become painful and noisy. I'm not suggesting she should lie to you, only, as you will see further down, I wonder if she has a very good reason for it...self-protection from obnoxious self-righteous and whiney behaviour. Not saying that's you, but it's certainly a reason why someone would lie. Certainly why I wound up lying to the controlling, demanding abusers I was in relationship with.
You are also come across as spiteful and vindictive- when you don't get your own way, you change the phones to ensure she's punished with a large bill. Do you usually somehow 'get back' at someone when they do something you don't like or you feel they've 'done you wrong'?
Is the reason she doesn't want a ride with you is that the whole way there you talk, talk, talk and talk at her, not with her? Or just ask a whole bunch of questions all the time and she has to tailor her answer for your 'approval'. (Although you won't notice this because it's all about how she's living up to what you want and whether her answers are 'acceptable' to you-even topics that are not related to her behaviour.). Are you always 'right'? Are you always finding some fault with some aspect of her views or opinions, where she goes, what she does, what she buys? Do you insist on knowing where she is at all times? Does she need to 'check in' with you? I surmise that the saying you are 'not reliable' is just a way of trying to get out of it without confronting you directly. No woman in a controlling, and perhaps abusive relationship, either physical or emotional abuse is going to say to her partner, "you are controlling and abusive" for fear of the response, which could range from anything from a verbal dressing down to being pushed in the chest, to outright slap in the head.
Just to put perspective on it, she may have problems, she indeed may have BPD. But I can also relate to her situation, and offer this story as a perspective:
I was once engaged to a guy who was very controlling. I broke off the engagement. Then there was enormous pressure from him, and emotional blackmail, and promises of behaviour change, to get me back again. So eventually I got worn down and I agreed, but I felt pushed. I didn't feel strong or safe enough to say 'no'. He was an emotional bully who wasn't really all that interested in me or my feelings, it was all about him. So what I did was one night I got drunk and slept with my housemate. The only time I ever had a one night stand, which I didn't believe in. I told him about it. Because secretly I believed he would drop me if I did this. And he didn't. He didn't drop me. Deep down, I didn't want to marry him, I knew I didn't want to, but there was so much pressure, from him ,from his family, plus my Dad had just died and I was very messed up...and very young.... At the same time, there was a friend whom he did not want me to hang around with, because he was a 'bad boy'. Yet despite what my fiance wanted, I felt more comfortable and happy and like I could 'be myself' with this 'bad boy' (who was always very good to me, though he used up other women) ,and I virtually couldn't stay away from him. Yes, you can say what I did was wrong, that I should've broken up with the fiance, but I was terrified of him. I was also getting my emotional needs met by this other guy. Well, suffice it to say I went and got married, the 'bad boy'' was even a groomsman, and 3.5 years later the marriage was a controlling, abusive mess and I left. Twenty years later, the 'bad boy' tracks me down via FB and strikes up a friendship with me which has quickly turned romantic, and I am as serious about him as he is about me. (He's no longer 'bad'). What's the moral of the story? That the guy I couldn't keep away from in my early 20's turns out to be, 20 years on, triggering the same feelings as back then, only now I have the benefit of time, distance and seperation and maturity to see it for what it was. I couldn't stay away from him, despite my fiance's demands, even though I sometimes felt bad, because I was in love with the bad boy. I just didn't have the maturity or strength of character to be able to do this or even admit this to myself. So I kept hanging out with him, going out, (my fiance was in another state), But I couldn't admit how I felt. Instead, I went with the 'safe', albeit controlling man. Falling in love with the 'bad boy' this time around 20 years later was easy - because it never went away. Now we are both free to pursue it, and he's the best man I've ever had-treats me wonderfully well, and I understand my childish behaviour much more now. I was just too scared to be without the fiance.
I imagine she has an element of fear operating in her - fear of you. She may need the attention of other men and will never be faithful, but my guess is she's also not getting what she needs from you. And perhaps like I did when young, she's hoping that her bad behaviour causes you to break it off so she doesn't have to and face your ire or demands to 'make it work'. I'm sorry if this isnt' as sympathetic as the other posts, but I see elements of where you are causing the problem, and that she may well indeed be shut down and has no 'voice' in the relationship. At no point have I seen any ponderance as to what you might be doing that might be contributing to this relationship breakdown? It's all about her. You mention, but do not elaborate on, several, if not many, previous relationships. Whilst there's been call to find out why she got a divorce, I'd also be asking about your history. How come you've never sustained a relationship? What would your previous partners say about you? What was your part in the breakdown? If you say 'nothing, it all happened, she this, she that', then you confirm what I suspect; though can't confirm, that you have a tendency toward highly controlling behaviour (for her own good, or the relationship, I imagine) and probably a temper along with it.
She lies because she hopes you will break it off - that way she doesn't have to be afraid of you. I notice throughout the entire thread it's always about her, what she does, how she does things wrong...what about you?
She lies to you because she's afraid of you, and doesn't love you, although at first she probably did until your 'other side' started to show, and that's why it was so easy for her to tell you it's over once you showed the thread (to me, is another indication of someone who is controlling and dominant) it was easy for her to just say it's over. Because the thread shows you've been discussing it, and she's seeing how you've written questioning whether you should be with her, and so now she now has 'permission' to say it's over, because she can see that you are already heading in that direction. Whew! Now you won't cause a scene. You may not like this post, but I felt I wanted to suggest another side to it. As someone who has been with abusive, controlling men, who act like the victim all the time but don't ever question their own behaviour, and how it's all her fault, I understand how she might feel.
I would be very curious to know what her response would be to my post. Or, if you are controlling, perhaps this is one you would make sure she doesn't see? And if so, would you be afraid that she might agree with some of it? A person who is not a bully or abusive or overly controlling would feel totally confident in showing my post to their partner. A person who does exhibit those behaviours, however, would not want to show it for fear of being confirmed. And if this is you, then you might need to get some help to enact some behaviour and attitude changes yourself if you are ever to sustain a healthy relationship.
I am not saying I am right in all of this - just that I see other possibilities. But I do know this much:
I hope you can seperate amicably and stop any spite and vindictiveness now. It will only eat you.
Metta
Ms Metta, Im going to lay it on the line. I have mold hypersensitiveness which means I am extremely sensitivity to something that is everywhere but I cant see. Her house is/was moldy, in order for me to stay here I have to inject my thigh with a supplement called glutathione it has to be frozen, it cost $180.00/month. Because of mold I have had to move 13 times in the past two years because I couldn't find a safe place to stay and each and everytime I'd move I would have to throw away what few clothes I had and start all over with nothing but the clothes on my back. Last winter the hotel room I was in was making me so sick I had abandon it in the middle of blizzard and sleep in my truck, all I had were the clothes on my back. I was so cold that I thought I would freeze to death and was upset the next morning when I woke up because I didnt freeze to death, thats how hopeless my situations is/was.
I have been hospitalized on several occasions and each time I was hospitalized she came and saw me once. According to our cell phone records she was calling or texting the entire time I was in the hospital.
This is her house and even though I pay rent when she's done watching the tv and Im on the laptop but still watching tv she turns it off. I have to have an air purifier in my bedroom and the living room, one day before she went to work she was upset for God only knows what and unplugged the air purifier making it harder for me to breath. The glutathione I mentioned earlier has to be keept frozen and she has the key to the deep freeze. A couple of weeks ago I called and asked her where the key was, she said she didnt know. I knew she knew where it was so I kept texting her, she finally, responded "why should I tell you?" I had to go the compounding pharmacy and buy more thats how sick i was. When she came home she unlocked the freezer
Im on her cell phone account and we are both administrators, when she gets mad at me for whatever it is and she doesnt like that I've unintentionally done she takes me off the account. The phone still works but I cant see what the bill is or any of my activity. She's not giving me anything I pay 50% of the bill but yet because she gets mad at anything I do she makes it impossible for me to access an account I pay for. Why would I stay on an account that I pay for but cant access?
If Im controlling as you say than why was I the one begging/crying for her to treat me like she treats everyone else or just give me what she demanded, the truth? She thought I was talking to some woman on my phone not to long ago, when she went on break I didnt take her call was outraged. When we finally did talk she called me every name in the book and broke up with me. When I told her it was my mom she actually made me swear on my mothers soul (which I wouldnt do) that it was my mom and MADE me give her my moms phone number to verify I was talking to her. In the meantime she's calling and texting her ex, calling and texting another male co-worker and someone she met on FB and until recently I knew none of it.
Regardless I love this woman but I have given her dozens of opportunities to end the relationship and I swore I wouldn't beg or cry if she broke up with me. I'd get what few things mold hasnt taken away from me and I'd leave. She chose to be with me, no one forced or manipulated her. She made the decision to work on the relationship on her own free will. How am I controlling?
SHE HAS GRAND MAL SEIZURES that can strike at anytime. She lied to her Dr and said she wouldnt drive and her Dr said she wouldnt recommend getting behind the wheel. How would you feel if you lost a family member because someone was driving who had a history of Grand Mal seizures, was told not to drive but drove anyway? I told her yesterday it doesnt matter to me if she drives or not, if she kills someone thats on her not me. She saw my point of view and is having someone take her to work and is catching the bus home. Again, thats her decision not mine
She has the screen name and the password to this account and even though I encouraged her to respond to any of this she chose not to. She'll tell her family and friends what an evil monster I am but refuses to allow me equal time so I can explain how she has completely broke me down and Im not anything like the person she's made me out to be. I want her to post but she refuses, thats how controlling I am.
Sick, she constantly reminds me that she hasn't talked to her ex since I told him to let go and move on. My reply is that had i not found out and made her stop texting him it would have never stopped. I told her because she was basically forced to stop texting him and didnt want to stop that it's just a matter of time till she starts up again. He'll find a reason to text her and she'll justify replying and it wont stop.
She's wised up and realized that we shared cell phone accounts and could see whose calling her or texting her. She can control who she calls but cant control who calls her. It looks suspicious when she gets a call from the same number on numerous occasions during the course of the day, she talks to that person for no more than a few minutes and hangs up. She's got her work phone and can call that number from there. She knows that if I saw her talking on her cell phone for an extended period of time to the same number I'd ask her about it. Liars cheat and cheaters lie, she's all that and more.
Bandit you are wise beyond your years. I have told my ex for years that IMO Christians are some of the biggest hypocrites around. We were going to a Christian church and there was something about the Pastor I didnt like. Come to find out after going to that church for a couple of months that very pastor was fired because he was having an affair with a woman he was counseling to help her fix her marriage. Please understand I dont think all Christians are like this just the preacher of a church we were going to and my ex
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When I was a teenager there was a head trustee at our church who was having an affair with one of the church secretaries. This trustee was popular with the men in the church and a wealthy tyther. When word got to this gal's husband that this church leader was banging his wife, he went to the pastor and the board of elders and demanded the trustee be kicked out of his office and exposed to the congregation.
Well, instead, this group of deacons decided to fire the guy's wife and then they asked the man and his wife to leave the church. When my dad found out that they were protecting the trustee he quit the church and we never went there again. Unbelievable.
I just found a text message that my EX girlfriend sent to her snake in the grass daughter. She has apperently been using her daughters iCould email address to post on Craigs list. My g/f created her own craigslist account when she sold her iPhone so why she would need her daughters iCloud account is beyond me. Something tells me she's posting on the personals
Bandit you are so right and it hurts like hell. She keeps saying how much she loves me and cares for me but keeps lying. Im not sure if she's telling me how much she cares to spare my feelings, if thats the case why cant she see making me believe something that isnt is only going to make it worst on me.
Because of my illness I cant just go to any hotel or apartment. Finding a safe place to live is a very complicated procedure. I know quite a few people who live in tents in the desert because of their mold hypersensitivity. I met someone on a mold forum, her and I became very good close friends because we felt each others pain. Ultimately she felt like she had run out of options and couldn't find a safe place to live so she took her own life. She sent me an email right after she took the phenobarbitol (sp) telling me she was sorry but she just couldn't take running from mold anymore. The reason why we became so close is we both knew we were running out of options due to mold and felt suicide was the only way out. PLEASE understand I AM NOT suicidal I just have a long hard road ahead of me and doing it with a broken heart only makes it worst.
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181 Posts
Tug,
First, I understand you are in pain and feel miserable...
I think some factors (not only your GF lies) contributed to that...
1. Your health conditions;
2. Your GF is in active comms with her ex and lies to you;
3. Worries about finding a place for living;
4. Last but not least, your close female friend committed suicide.
Probably you can have a look at that from other angle?
1. Health - sorry... Frankly speaking, don't know what to suggest...
2. GF: You told that your GF invested a lot to make her house good for you so, obviously, she cared about you and your needs.
3. Regarding future place for living - you lived somewhere before you moved in with your current GF... So, it's possible to find such a place again - you did it before. I am just thinking that probably your best option would be to have your own place and your GF moves in with you?
4. The other thing - you developed online close friendship with a woman who committed suicide. It hurts badly to lose such a close friend. TAM would classify that as EA I guess... I also assume (maybe wrongly) that your GF didn't know about that woman...
I would suggest that you re-evaluate your current situation and all the factors on a rational level and then make your decision.
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109 Posts
Been a while since I've posted on this board because I've had my own road to travel. Unfortunately, I see the world is just as I left it.
First, let me say how sorry I am for what you're going through. We all know how painful it can be. And I know hearing how sorry we are doesn't really help.
Second, there is a ton of excellent advice on here from many who have seen this show before. Sure, the players are different, and the scenery changes, but the scripts are all the same.
Lastly, try to take a step back and see your situation in an objective light. Get the opinions of outsiders, not just from here, but from people who know you. Take the "average" of their perspective then compare that to what your "gut" has been telling you all along. I think you'll be surprised how closely aligned they are.
People come here in anguish and desperation, and whatever they may say to the contrary, they're all really seeking some magic insight that will save their relationship. There's no magic. Whether a relationship is salvageable, is (sadly) not entirely up to you. It takes two for a relationship (not three, or more) to work, and you can only control you.
It's been said elsewhere, I'm sure, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You can't change other people. You can wait around for them to change themselves if you want to, but I think deep down you know that she is who she is.
I wish you the best of luck.
First, let me say how sorry I am for what you're going through. We all know how painful it can be. And I know hearing how sorry we are doesn't really help.
Second, there is a ton of excellent advice on here from many who have seen this show before. Sure, the players are different, and the scenery changes, but the scripts are all the same.
Lastly, try to take a step back and see your situation in an objective light. Get the opinions of outsiders, not just from here, but from people who know you. Take the "average" of their perspective then compare that to what your "gut" has been telling you all along. I think you'll be surprised how closely aligned they are.
People come here in anguish and desperation, and whatever they may say to the contrary, they're all really seeking some magic insight that will save their relationship. There's no magic. Whether a relationship is salvageable, is (sadly) not entirely up to you. It takes two for a relationship (not three, or more) to work, and you can only control you.
It's been said elsewhere, I'm sure, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You can't change other people. You can wait around for them to change themselves if you want to, but I think deep down you know that she is who she is.
I wish you the best of luck.
I have to admit Im pretty desperate but not so desperate to do anything foolish enough to harm myself others please understand that. I've been kicked to the curb before I survived the heartache than I'll survive it now.
We'll call my friend who took her life Carla. Carla lived in Australia so we never met and I only saw a picture she sent me via email. When I met Carla I had just moved from the 4 or 5th ****roach motel in less than 3 months ( I had to rent by the month since it was cheaper, 2 years I had to move 14 times due to mold). Everytime I moved it was because there was a water leak and mold was allowed to grow or the HVAC in the motel became moldy so when I moved into the hotel I'd have new clothes (cant used clothes from Goodwill) and within days would start to feel sick again so I'd have to leave that hotel and find another one, discard all my newly purchased clothes and start the process all over again which is exactly what happened to Carla.
Anyway, my g/f broke up with me and I ran out of money and places to move to so I moved into my sisters house but after a couple of weeks started getting sick again which is when Carla and I started emailing one another even though my sisters house was making me sick I had no choice but to stay there. One night I went back to my g/f's house to talk and I started feeling better. I ended groveling my way back into her life and its been one fight after another since. We were either fighting that I was spending to much time on the internet trying to regain my health after my mold exposure or the men my g/f was flirting with (her words) on FB, she never even mentioned her ex. At the time sadly the only thing Carla and I talked about was suicide, we both knew time was running out and we had no other options and yes i told my g/f about my friendship with Carla when I moved back in with her.
I dont want my relationship to end with my g/f and I know for a fact she's not talking to her ex. He called my g/f's daughter and told her to tell her mom (my g/f) he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. The problem Im having is for the last 3 years my g/f would put me through hell if I talked or even looked at another woman but she was calling or texting not just her ex but according to her phone records several men. I asked her last night if she was going to make an appointment for couples therapy and she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go only because she knows I'll keep looking for more things that happened 2-3 years ago and she'll have to answer for them and shes right to a degree. I told her that if she loved me and cared for me as much as she says she does than she wouldnt hesitate calling a therapist.
She said I could continue to live with her but watching her move on with her life while Im still trying to put my life back together due to her cheating and lying would be more than I could handle.
I've been doing allot of research lately and the one area I never thought about was the amount of data my lying, cheating g/f uses on her phone. Were on the same cell phone account so I can see how much data she uses on an hourly basis.
To better understand data usage if your cell phone is using a wi-fi connection its not using data but once it starts using anything other than a wi-fi connection it starts using data. Applications like Skype use large amounts of data so if your s/o is using Skype, Yahoo phone or Google phone expect to see a surge in application data. When using data a phone number wont show up on the cell phone bill same with text messages. Theres an text application called Whats App that only uses data wi-fi connection texts sent or received using that application wont show up on your cell phone bill.
Anyway, both me and my g/f use a wi-fi connection both at home and where she works. So far this month she has used 600 megabytes of data to my 70 megabytes of data. On 8/23 between the hours of 8:00 & 9:00 am she used 200 megabytes which is more than I use all month. She claims she wants to make this relationship work but wont put an application on her phone to show what applications she's using that are consuming so much data. She's still hiding something but even now that Im ready to walk she cant be honest.
To better understand data usage if your cell phone is using a wi-fi connection its not using data but once it starts using anything other than a wi-fi connection it starts using data. Applications like Skype use large amounts of data so if your s/o is using Skype, Yahoo phone or Google phone expect to see a surge in application data. When using data a phone number wont show up on the cell phone bill same with text messages. Theres an text application called Whats App that only uses data wi-fi connection texts sent or received using that application wont show up on your cell phone bill.
Anyway, both me and my g/f use a wi-fi connection both at home and where she works. So far this month she has used 600 megabytes of data to my 70 megabytes of data. On 8/23 between the hours of 8:00 & 9:00 am she used 200 megabytes which is more than I use all month. She claims she wants to make this relationship work but wont put an application on her phone to show what applications she's using that are consuming so much data. She's still hiding something but even now that Im ready to walk she cant be honest.
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This is the same g/f? If so, why did she break up with you? While you seem to focus entirely on her behaviour, you do not seem to say anything about your part in it.
Let's see - you just say you 'groveled' your way back into your g/f's life. Groveling suggests that she wasn't crazy about the idea. Why? Why did she not want you back? Was it because she didn't really want to go on with you anymore but was feeling sorry for your situation? If she broke up with you once before, why are you so surprised about her behaviour? You sound pushy to me. You may have been needy, yes, but from what you say here, she was reluctant, but you pushed back in anyway. You say you don't want to break up with her. Well, what about what she wants? What does she say? Is she even allowed to have a say? I keep noticing that it's all about her...her behaviour, her this, her that...how terrible she's treating you. Yet at no point did you answer my former questions about how you are, what your behaviour is like. From everything you say, it's clear to me that she doesn't love you, has let you back in because she feels sorry for you...or you emotionally pushed her into letting you back...and therefore, she lies, because she effectively feels that she is living her own life and doesn't 'owe' you anything. From what you say, she's spelled it out to you, "continue to live with her but watching her move on with her own life...
", yet you continue to go on about how much she's lying or hiding from you. How much more do you need? Mate, she doesn't care. She's made up her mind. She's as good as told you so.What do you want, a neon sign with lights flashing placed on your lawn?
I hope you can let it go and move on, as others have suggested here. She's not going to change, and no amount of you pushing will change her. Stop obsessing about her, and start to make plans you need to, to take care of your health.
Metta
Metta I had no idea my g/f was someone completely different than the girl I met. I met a woman thats a Christian, donates her time and money to church, she was a deaconess, didnt smoke cuss and more importantly likes to work out. I mean what more could a guy ask for, thats like the perfect woman.
I became sick and extremely desperate and I still am to a certain extent to this day. Individuals with my health problems dont move from a house that doesnt make them sick, they cant it can mean their life if they move into a house that has mold. I was extremely sick when my g/f was doing all the lying and cheating, the brain fog I experienced was so bad that I couldnt leave the house much less focus on what she was doing. When she would get mad at me for god only knows what the first thing she'd do is break up with me but because of my medical condition I would beg her not to kick me out.
Her house bothers me much less now than it ever has, because of it my brain fog isnt nearly as bad and I can do things on a computer that I couldnt do before. I found out about everything my g/f was doing because I basically hacked my way into her iPhone. Here's a perfect example. Were texting each other and Im asking her why its taking her so long to respond. She's telling me she's replying as fast as she's getting the text
Her-Im answering the second i get a text from you
Me No problem, i was just wondering why it took 10 minutes to get a response
Her-I take great offense to that. A person should NEVER have to EXPECT less of anything positive from their partner.
Something to keep in mind, i and i believe you have been so happy this week why would i do ANYTHING to change that? ANYTHING.
When I looked at our phone records earlier today I realized she was talking to her ex at the same time she was texting me. Thats why I asked her why it was taking her so long to respond. Rather than be honest with me about it she said "I take great offense to that. A person should NEVER have to EXPECT less of anything positive from their partner. Something to keep in mind, i and i believe you have been feeling good this week why would i do ANYTHING to change that? ANYTHING." Who does that? Who talks to their ex while talking to their boyfriend at the same time and not say a thing about it.
She finally told me the truth about part of her past. She was married 3 times which I knew, what I didn't know is she cheated on 2 of her 3 husbands. Had I known that she was that much of a s*ut I would have never dated her. At the time I had no problem meeting women, physically I looked better than most 20 year olds. I dedicated my life to this woman because I thought she was the one, was I wrong.
Edit; she broke up with me once because I wasnt feeling good so I went to bed, the puppys were in the back yard and one of them dug a whole the size of a .50 piece. There I was sicker than a dog and she was yelling and screaming at me. She didnt talk to me for 2 weeks. During that time I had a birthday, she gave me a clock radio and a generic card that said Happy Birthday she couldnt even take the time to sign it all because of a small hole one of the puppys dug in the back yard. I had to endure her abuse because her house wasnt making me sick and she knew that she could walk all over me and I had no choice but to take it.
Because thats the kind of person I am. Right now everyone that has read this thread has heard my side of the story. As truthful and honest as I have been Im sure she had her own side of the story. In reality how can you defend yourself after 3 years of lying and sneaking around? We were supposed to see a therapist this morning but I told her that no therapist in the world is going to help her. The changes she has to make come from within, she said she was going to help her with her anger issues.
She cheated on me and what she was doing didnt bother her. She cheated on H #1 & H #3 and only thought of her own needs. She wasnt sorry or remorseful and never gave it a second thought, shes the true definition of a sociopath.
I've let go, now I have to find a place that hasnt had mold in the past 7 years, now comes the hard part.
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You obviously don't understand the purpose of these support forums. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify.
My opinion only of course..
These types of support forums are a place a person goes to get help and advice and support for their situation. It is not a place for the two fighting parties to each "post their side" so a bunch of anonymous internet strangers can figure out who is wrong and who is right and who is telling the truth and who is lying. More often than not, neither party thinks they're being dishonest, they just have their own distorted version of "the truth".
Once both sides start posting on a board like this, it never ends well and once you make your partner aware of your posts here, the advice given loses much of it's value ESPECIALLY if things go south and your partner becomes your most bitter adversary in a highly contested divorce- she will know your strategy and be one step ahead at the very least, and at worst, she'll use the very tactics given to you, against you.
She will also see the posters here referring to her in very derogatory terms and she won't be blaming them so much, she'll be directing her anger at YOU for telling LIES to a bunch of STRANGERS. "If" she posts here at all, she'll certainly come in swinging, and she'll have good reason to do so.
Bringing her here will make a bad situation much worse.
It's just a REALLY BAD IDEA.
Her and I dont fight, there's nothing to fight about. She admits that what she did was wrong and was trying to fix something that couldnt be fixed. In my eyes the only time I know she isnt lying is when shes not talking.
To put everyones mind at ease I changed the password the next day. She might be able to read what Im posting (the truth) but she cant and wont create an account to defend herself. She knows that most people on this group are victims of someone else's selfishness and she'll get slammed by every member here who reads her post.
Theres no excuse for lying to someone for 3 years especially when they have health issues that have cost them everything they own. She saw my suffering due to my health but she only thought of herself. No amount of therapy can take away the kind of pain she brought into my world
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