[Thorburn]

We met at the gym, because I asked her if I could work in with her she thought I was interested. After that we'd seen each other around town which is very odd when you consider the size of town we live in. We'd see each other at the gym and she pursued me even though she was married. We spent time talking in her truck but it never advanced into a sexual relationship because she was married, that went on for about a month than she told me she told her soon to be ex she wanted a divorce. She told him that she couldn't deal with his drinking anymore but she knew the real reason why she was leaving him it was because of me, she tries to justify it saying she told him two years before that she wanted a divorce unless he stopped drinking and he never did. Before we had sex I made her show me the divorce papers, I didnt want to think that I was the one that broke up their marriage. They lived together for 10 months after the divorce was final but he knew about me within days of her telling him she wanted a divorce.

For the life of me I cant figure why a man would want to stay in contact with his ex knowing she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not. She gave me emotions she wasnt willing to give to her ex and he still took her calls and answered her texts for at least 3 years after they were divorced.
I told her now that I leave to lose my number and never call or text me. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend? Besides what kind of "friend" does that?

Why aren't you asking this, "Why for the life of me I cant figure out why a woman would want to stay in contact with her ex knowing she left him due to his drinking, after she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not?"

You state that he still took her calls and answered her text for at least 3 years after they D. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend?

The answer= she never ended it with him. She never left him other then legally divorce him and moved in with you. You have her tell you how bad her ex was, and you have the ex telling you how bad she is. Yet for all this badness they have been in communication for over 3 years since the D.

Now you have years of texts, etc. a pair of socks that don't belong to you. Hel* she does not even know your socks and you have been living together for how long? I rarely do the laundry and I know my socks, my son's socks and my wife's socks.

Like I said before, the two of them are playing you for some reason and playing you big time.

 

[tug]

I appreciate everyones honesty but I had no intentions to break up her marriage she told me it was over between her and her H long before it turned emotional. She was talking to some other guy about leaving him long before she met me because she wasnt sure who else talk to. A couple of months later I walked into the picture. I gave her the screen name and password to this site so she could read the responses,she could have posted her side of the story. I just got off the phone with her and she was upset with all the negative replies, the only thing she commented on where I misrepresented the truth is he drank ALLOT more than I was aware of and his drinking wasn't only limited to the weekend. She had been telling him for years to stop drinking and he didnt. He knew there was a problem and if he didn't fix the problem he was going to lose his wife which is exactly what happened.

I believe in the golden rule, I believe in Karma. I was married for 13 years and my wife told me she wanted a divorce because she was homesick and wanted to be with her family that was 1300 mikes away. I didnt have to deal with infidelity but it still hurt and there is no way I would want someone else to feel that kind of pain because of me.

I just told her she needs to go back to her ex, sure it hurts but anytime you have two people who keep saying they want nothing to do with the other but cant stop calling and texting each other speaks volumes. He went as far as saying she was the reason why he drank more and she'd still text him back if he were to text her tells me regardless of what he says about her she'll give him the attention he needs regardless of how it effects me and will do everything possible to hide their relationship. At least she was honest with him, thats more than I got.

Do I deserve this? Yeah I guess I do to a certain degree but what I deserved more was the truth. What's even more upsetting is I was actually begging for the truth for such a long time and I was given anything but. Had she told me 3 years ago that she was still in contact with her ex as much as she was I would have bowed out of the picture and moved on with my life.

 

[tug]

You state that he still took her calls and answered her text for at least 3 years after they D. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend?

The answer= she never ended it with him. She never left him other then legally divorce him and moved in with you. You have her tell you how bad her ex was, and you have the ex telling you how bad she is. Yet for all this badness they have been in communication for over 3 years since the D.

Now you have years of texts, etc. a pair of socks that don't belong to you. Hel* she does not even know your socks and you have been living together for how long? I rarely do the laundry and I know my socks, my son's socks and my wife's socks.

You are so right, just because they were divorced by no means they stopped caring about each other.

When I first found out about their "friendship" I sent him a private message on FB. I dont quite remember what it said but it wasnt nasty or threatening. When I told my g/f about it the first thing she said was "you didnt hurt his feelings did you?" My jaw hit the ground. His feelings, what about my feelings? She said she didnt want to drag him into this and hurt him more than he's been hurt. I told her she was the one that brought him into this and if he got hurt it was on her not me.

The day he sent a text after he was told to let it go I was irate. I called him and said some choice words to him thats when he talked trash about her and she heard how he really felt about her. She wasnt upset about what he said about her she was upset because of what I told him. Unbelievable.When it came between him and I she always chose to protect his feelings over mine

Just admitting to this on an open forum even though no one here knows me I feel like a spineless, pathetic fool. Who allows anyone to treat them like that knowing that person cares for someone else?

 

[Thorburn]

You are so right, just because they were divorced by no means they stopped caring about each other.

When I first found out about their "friendship" I sent him a private message on FB. I dont quite remember what it said but it wasnt nasty or threatening. When I told my g/f about it the first thing she said was "you didnt hurt his feelings did you?" My jaw hit the ground. His feelings, what about my feelings? She said she didnt want to drag him into this and hurt him more than he's been hurt. I told her she was the one that brought him into this and if he got hurt it was on her not me.

The day he sent a text after he was told to let it go I was irate. I called him and said some choice words to him thats when he talked trash about her and she heard how he really felt about her. She wasnt upset about what he said about her she was upset because of what I told him. Unbelievable.When it came between him and I she always chose to protect his feelings over mine

Just admitting to this on an open forum even though no one here knows me I feel like a spineless, pathetic fool. Who allows anyone to treat them like that knowing that person cares for someone else?

She was not upset by what he said because she knew the truth. And of course she protected the one she loves.

So you realize that you are a pathetic fool and are spineless. Now that you had your little pity party, move on. She has been fooling you for years. She never gave a mouse turd about you. If she had, she would never have continued with the ex. No one who really cares about a person would behave in such an immature way.

She is a cheating lying idiot and is not worth your time.

At least you are not married. And her ex is right about her. That is more than likely one truth he has told you.

 

[badmemory]

OP,

What I presume by reading your story is this:

Your GF was looking for an exit affair during her first marriage. She found you. You were her swinging vine to avoid being without attention and affection while she extricated herself from the marriage. That should have been your first clue about her ability to be faithful.

She's not the type to be without a man. I doubt she'd ever leave you before she has another one the hook. But you can count on her planning another exit. Perhaps it's the ex, but if not it will be someone else.

She is a compulsive liar and an attention seeker.

She not only had a EA with her ex, but a PA. I mean really, what's in it for him ex otherwise.

She may be 51, but she has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old.

Be thankful you didn't marry her. You deserve better.

 

[Remains]

I am surprised she has any exes that are alive!

You sure this man is real? You sure her job isn't just proceeds from many life insurances?

 

[tug]

OP,

What I presume by reading your story is this:

She's not the type to be without a man. I doubt she'd ever leave you before she has another one the hook. But you can count on her planning another exit. Perhaps it's the ex, but if not it will be someone else.

She is a compulsive liar and an attention seeker.

She not only had a EA with her ex, but a PA. I mean really, what's in it for her ex otherwise.

She may be 51, but she has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old.

Be thankful you didn't marry her. You deserve better.

Your presumptions are spot on.

She read the replies to this entire thread and is now saying theres nothing left for us to talk about. Rather than coming home she went to watch her grandsons football practice so she wouldnt have to deal with the problems she created. She sent me a text telling me she'd be home but she had to run an errand first. I know her well enough to know that when she's being vague she's up to no good. Why Im I hanging on so tightly to someone that doesnt give a shi*t about me? I know its over, who takes 3 years to make their ex feel better but only 2 months to fix the problems shes created for me in my life? Thank you all

 

[bandit.45]

You're not a fool. Just a guy who loves a woman. A bad woman. Move on and next time choose more carefully.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[tug]

You're not a fool. Just a guy who loves a woman. A bad woman. Move on and next time choose more carefully.
Posted via Mobile Device

Bandit in all honesty when it comes to making a commitment with a woman Im the last person that you can count on. I was married twice and never strayed but dating was different.

3 years ago I thought I met someone who was worth changing my ways and making the commitment I hadnt been able to make before. Had I known this woman who calls herself a Christian, listens to or reads the bible everyday would be the biggest lair I've ever hooked up with there is no way I would have mad such a commitment. Hell, she was a deconess at her church, I mean how can you go wrong with someone who believes so strongly in the lord?

 

[carmen ohio]

. . . Had I known this woman who calls herself a Christian, listens to or reads the bible everyday would be the biggest lair I've ever hooked up with there is no way I would have mad such a commitment. Hell, she was a deconess at her church, I mean how can you go wrong with someone who believes so strongly in the lord?

The divorce rate among "Christians" in the U.S. is the same as for the general population. "Evangelical Christians" have an even higher divorce rate. If you want to know why, click the link below:

Christian denial and institutional resistance to change. | Dalrock

 

[Antheia]

I think there is more going on with both of you. Tug you are not blameless in all this. You may be in your 50s and had lots of relationships but you may be doing the same thing wrong over and over.
First of all you are really controlling. You are also, high maintenance. Ok I know that is not nice to hear and I am not saying it to hurt you but you can not move forward unless you admit if there are things you could change.
You are spending a lot of time and energy on this person because you have difficulty with not being in control. Yeh she lied , well get over it. Look at the bigger picture ...take away this whole talking to the ex thing and was the relationship from HER perspective all that flawless my guess is no but she could not get anywhere with working it out with you.
There are two sides to the story and you would serve yourself well to try and figure out her side.

 

[bandit.45]

Bandit in all honesty when it comes to making a commitment with a woman Im the last person that you can count on. I was married twice and never strayed but dating was different.

3 years ago I thought I met someone who was worth changing my ways and making the commitment I hadnt been able to make before. Had I known this woman who calls herself a Christian, listens to or reads the bible everyday would be the biggest lair I've ever hooked up with there is no way I would have mad such a commitment. Hell, she was a deconess at her church, I mean how can you go wrong with someone who believes so strongly in the lord?

I'm going to catch heat for this but....

Never look for a wife in church. I'm a Christian, I've got nothing against Christian women, but I have been around enough to know that about 50% of the single or divorced women in church are screwed up beyond belief, and most of them are hypocrites like your old lady.

Nah, ditch this chick.

 

[tug]

The divorce rate among "Christians" in the U.S. is the same as for the general population. "Evangelical Christians" have an even higher divorce rate. If you want to know why, click the link below:

Christian denial and institutional resistance to change. | Dalrock

Thank you for the link but the only thing that matters is she's not willing to put the work in to make what she's done to me right. All I can see is she was willing to give her ex 3 years of her live to ease his pain and gave me 2 months of lying and going behind my back and more than likely cheating on me. All I ever asked for was the truth and to be treated like a human being and I got none of that. When she had a the chance to let me go she didnt and made me believe she was sincere so I held on to that. Truth is she doesnt care and never did. Thank you all for taking the time to help me through the most difficult time in my life.

 

[RaceCarMan]

Tug, your story sounds eerily familiar to me... and I know the heartbreak you may be going through.

I'd suggest you have a peek at Borderline Personality Disorder; some of what you describe could meet that criteria in your gf's behaviour.

Oddly enough, my ex broke up with me under bizarre conditions, and two years later, was still sending me text messages that ranged from "still loving you" to outright utter crazed bizarreness.. and I know that during our relationship, she regularly kept in touch with her ex (as well as other men from her past).

It's called "triangulation." The odd thing was it was behaviour she would accuse me of, which was absolutely not what I did at all. The odd time I would talk to my ex-wife because of some issue with our children, my ex would suddenly accuse me of secretly planning on getting back together - even though my ex-wife and I have been separated/divorced since 1997.

The advice given to you is what I wish I heard, five years ago... being with someone like what you describe can utterly change and destroy you.

 

[tug]

Tug, your story sounds eerily familiar to me... and I know the heartbreak you may be going through.

I'd suggest you have a peek at Borderline Personality Disorder; some of what you describe could meet that criteria in your gf's behaviour.

Oddly enough, my ex broke up with me under bizarre conditions, and two years later, was still sending me text messages that ranged from "still loving you" to outright utter crazed bizarreness.. and I know that during our relationship, she regularly kept in touch with her ex (as well as other men from her past).

It's called "triangulation." The odd thing was it was behaviour she would accuse me of, which was absolutely not what I did at all. The odd time I would talk to my ex-wife because of some issue with our children, my ex would suddenly accuse me of secretly planning on getting back together - even though my ex-wife and I have been separated/divorced since 1997.

The advice given to you is what I wish I heard, five years ago... being with someone like what you describe can utterly change and destroy you.

Race car man this woman has been sexually molested from the ages of 4 years old to 9 years old. Does she have issues? Im sure she does unfortnetly when I didnt know how severe they were till it was to late.

 

[bandit.45]

BPD might be a culprit in this.

Or she might just be a lying ho.

 

[hereinthemidwest]

Tug, I feel your pain. She's a attention seeker / co-dependent can't belone. If she didn't have you there, I bet she has many ships ready to come into port. You have to take some blame in this. Sorry to say...you started seeing her when she living with her ex still. Don't be someone rebound. She was only looking for someone to warm her bed.

Tug, four years ago my 26 years marriage ended. He had a affair. Guess what? His relationship is now sour and he started texting me after four years. People like these can't stand alone. Go be with a women who knows what she has when she is with you. Block her number she only using you!

 

[sickofittoday]

If you have to get her to stop emotionally cheating by force, then it's not really her doing the deciding. She wants to cheat. You cannot change that with threats.

 

[tug]

Tug, I feel your pain. She's a attention seeker / co-dependent can't belone. If she didn't have you there, I bet she has many ships ready to come into port. You have to take some blame in this. Sorry to say...you started seeing her when she living with her ex still. Don't be someone rebound. She was only looking for someone to warm her bed.

Tug, four years ago my 26 years marriage ended. He had a affair. Guess what? His relationship is now sour and he started texting me after four years. People like these can't stand alone. Go be with a women who knows what she has when she is with you. Block her number she only using you!

Thank you Here, last night I told her she needed to say it was over and thats exactly what she did. Like an idiot this morning I asked her to stay home from work so we could talk. First she said no than she said she'd only work a half day than she said she'd stay home the entire day. Here telling me she'd go to work half a day makes me believe that theres something going on at work. She cant drive but yet she HAD to go in for half a day. Does that sound suspicious?

She has seizures, here lately she's had 2 grand mal seizures the first time she had one they made her stop driving for 30 days she had the second one 45 days after the first and she told her Dr she wasnt going to drive for 3 months which is the standard rule and the Dr said thats what she was going to recommend. A week later she was behind the wheel and driving as if she never had a seizure. I told her she needs to get a release from her Dr, if she has a seizure while she's driving she could kill someone. She naturally thinks Im trying to make her life hard on her but none of this is my doing. She lied to the Dr and led her to believe she wasnt going to drive for 3 months and the DR concurred. Had she been honest with the Dr and the Dr didnt see a problem with her driving than its out of my hands.

She's actually mad at me because she feels she cant depend on me to give her a ride to and from work. I told her I actually enjoy taking her and picking her up, it gives us one on one time together without any distractions but if she cant keep her word for more than a day than I'll be damed if Im going to do anything to make her life any easier. Now her daughter picks her up 2 hours early because of her schedule and she has to take the bus home. Once she gets off the bus its a 5 mile walk home.I could pick her up at the bus stop but again she's completely destroyed my life I see no reason in helping someone who disrespects me as much as she does. She's essentially turned an 8 hour day into a 12 -13 hour day. If she needs someone to give her a ride Im sure he ex will be more than happy to donate his services.

The relationship is over not because I want it to be but because she feels that she has tried for nearly 2 months to show me she's sincere and according to her nothings worked but when it came to her ex she gave him 3 years of her life and sacrificed my feelings and our relationship to make him feel better. Whats wrong with this picture?

 

[GROUNDPOUNDER]

Well if your XGF is still reading this.

Those socks came of of another man's feet. Why would there be socks left behind? Someone fixing the plumbing, or working on the electric wouldn't take their socks to do their job...

So where did the socks come from?... Someone getting dressed in a hurry because the BF came home early most likely.


tug, she was cheating on you. She was having an EA for 3 years. Who knows how long the PA was going on for.

I know that you love this woman, but she will never be true to you(and probably anyone else either). The pain you're going to experience now is less than if you wait to move on.

She's doesn't care that she has and continues to hurt you. This won't go away. Listen to your head, not your heart, don't let her talk you into staying together. She will only make you suffer even more.