[tug]

This is going to be long but I'll give the shortened version.

Im not married but have been living with my g/f for 4 years, were in our mid 50's so were by no means spring chickens.

I met my g/f within weeks of her getting a divorce but because they couldnt sell their house her and her ex continued to live together. Our problems started about 3 years ago when I found out what she was doing on FB. She was flat out flirting with other guys, telling them how wonderful they were and treating them better than she was treating me. She was asking these "old friends" for their phone numbers abut never told me what she was doing. When I found out about FB I gave her an ultimatum FB or me!

She chose me and gave me her word she'd never get on FB but during that time I knew something wasn't right so I checked out our cell phone bill and apparently she was spending allot of time texting and calling her ex and never said a thing to me about it. She lied one day and said she was going to go the gym and ended up talking to her ex for 90 minutes instead.

A couple of months later I saw she had sent him a text by than I had enough so I told her to send him a text telling him their friendship was over and its time to move on. When I asked her to see the text she said she deleted it, when I looked at our phone records one was never sent. She said she didnt want to hurt him again and wanted to do it by phone while she was at work the following day. I made her send the text right than and there.

I just recently found out that her and her ex have been going behind my back texting and calling each other for at least 3 years and she was the one that would ALWAYS call him. All I ever asked this woman to do is to be open and honest with me and her response would be "Im not doing anything I cant do in front of you" or "Im being completely honest" but shes been anything but.

When I found out how long they were in contact I was extremely hurt. For 3 years I begged her to be honest with me and she said she was. Now Im mad as hell because she intentionally deceived me and did everything possible to hide her emotional affair with her ex and intentionally hurt me in the process. Now that the damage is done and cats out of the bag she says she's sorry and wants to work it out but how can I ever think she's going to be honest with me when she hasnt been able to when thats all i was asking her to do?

Her and her ex have no reason to stay in contact, if they had kids together or had business related matters I would completely understand, her excuse for constantly contacting him without telling me is she wanted to try to ease his pain. Are you kidding me?

 

[justme85]

Hey,

Sorry to hear of your troubles. This is an awful situation to find yourself in. Do you feel the relationship is still worth trying to salvage? If so, you'd need to lay it all out on the line with your girlfriend, maybe try counselling and make her understand that there is just the two of you in this relationship.

I think it may sound like you've been too soft with her in the past, and now she feels like she can walk all over you. Don't stand for being second best!

Best wishes

 

[Will_Kane]

Her and her ex have no reason to stay in contact, if they had kids together or had business related matters I would completely understand, her excuse for constantly contacting him without telling me is she wanted to try to ease his pain. Are you kidding me?

Of course they have a reason to stay in contact. She likes it. So does he.

At this point, she has lied so much, you really can't believe anything she says.

What is good about her that would make you want to stay with her? All you've posted is that she looked for other men, treated them better than you, and has carried on a three-year affair with her ex-husband. You got anything positive to say about her?

What makes you think she hasn't been having sex with him? He lives far from you?

 

[MattMatt]

Why would she feel a need to

ease his pain?

Did she, by some chance, play the: "But honey, those men I chat to and message on FB, their no threat to you" game with him once too often?

Find out the real reason why they divorced.

 

[JustLookingWest25]

First off, do you know why they divorced? Was she doing the same type of stuff to him, perhaps?

Second, I'm with Will_Kane: how do you know that they weren't still sleeping together?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[tug]

First off, do you know why they divorced? Was she doing the same type of stuff to him, perhaps?

Second, I'm with Will_Kane: how do you know that they weren't still sleeping together?
Posted via Mobile Device

Thats just it I dont know if they has sex, she swears they didnt. She stayed home from work one day so WE could call him and I could verify they never had a sexual relationship but I told her a call wasnt necessary.

One time her ex sent her a text after she told him it had to come to a stop. I was irate so I called him and laid into him. After I calmed down he and I started talking like adults he told me exactly how he felt, he said he didnt want to be with her and that "she's always had a need to attract the attention of other men and I should "dump her a** and let some other sorry SOB deal with her crap. He didnt know it but I had the speaker phone on and she could hear everything he said. What he said never phased her. She said what he thinks about her doesnt bother her in the least.

They were married for 10 years and during that 10 years she told him he needed to stop his drinking but he didnt. He would only drink on the weekend but whenever they went to a family function or on vacation he would end up getting drunk off beer. After 10 years she had enough and told him she wanted a divorce. What upset her the most is he would drink and drive and due to the nature of his job if he got a dui he'd get fired and they'd lose everything and she was tired of seeing him passed out on their bed on the weekend.

She's trying very hard to right a wrong and I believe she's sincere but how long can she be someone she's not? She was married for 10 years and never stopped flirting regardless if her husband knew about it and he did know about it. She says she was wrong hiding their friendship and keeping a friendship with any man isnt worth our relationship and is willing to do what she has to make me see how much she loves me and how much she cares.

She's beautiful, easy to talk to, takes extremely good care of herself has a well paying job and is still a catch at 51. She can do much better than me but insists that Im the one she wants and wants to prove it to me. What reason would she have to lie at this point?

 

[tug]

After reading some of the posts on the infidelity topic Im not really sure what to do. My g/f seems sincere, I think if she really wanted to get back with her ex she could. Knowing how this has effected me why would she continue to lie about keeping in contact w/her ex? All she would have to do is tell me she's not willing to give him up and let me decided if thats acceptable to me or not. I have health issues and she can be with someone who can contribute more to a relationship but she insists Im the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with

 

[MovingAhead]

If she really cared, I mean really, don't you think she would have stopped after the first time? Brother, I am sorry you are here but you can either live with someone who doesn't care about you or you can live without them.

There are plenty of decent women in the world. Go out and meet one.

 

[LostViking]

After reading some of the posts on the infidelity topic Im not really sure what to do. My g/f seems sincere, I think if she really wanted to get back with her ex she could. Knowing how this has effected me why would she continue to lie about keeping in contact w/her ex? All she would have to do is tell me she's not willing to give him up and let me decided if thats acceptable to me or not. I have health issues and she can be with someone who can contribute more to a relationship but she insists Im the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with

He meets some of her needs, you meet the remainder of her needs. Which one of you provides the majority of this split? Only she knows.

She is using both of you to get her emotional needs fulfilled. She is the type of person who cannot be satisfied by one partner alone. She is emotionaly greedy and immature.

Do not marry this woman. She is not going to stop contacting him, or if she does, she will just find another OM or several others to take his place. You are her steady unsinkable island, but she needs a sea of validation from others 360 degrees around her to feel complete. It is, at the core, a profound character flaw.

 

[tug]

He meets some of her needs, you meet the remainder of her needs. Which one of you provides the majority of this split? Only she knows.

She is using both of you to get her emotional needs fulfilled. She is the type of person who cannot be satisfied by one partner alone. She is emotionaly greedy and immature.

Do not marry this woman. She is not going to stop contacting him, or if she does, she will just find another OM or several others to take his place. You are her steady unsinkable island, but she needs a sea of validation from others 360 degrees around her to feel complete. It is, at the core, a profound character flaw.

Moving Ahead and Lost Viking I believe you are both correct BUT..... she doesnt need me or the health issues that come along with being with me. I have certain health issues that cause her to make HUGE sacrifices to be with me. One of my health issues is I have multiple chemical sensitivities and because of these sensitivities it means no perfume, no fabric softeners of any kind and the list goes on and on. She has spent literally thousands of dollars to make her house tolerable for me. I need constant fresh air so that means windows open nearly all year, in the summer time it gets HOT and we dont use the a/c and in the winter time it's freezing and we use portable heaters rather than hvac but she hangs in there and does what she has to so we can be together. On the other hand she does all the things that has shown me she doesnt care and cant let go of her ex.

Who makes those kind of sacrifices for someone only to spend time with some another man? For the past month she has worked extremely hard to show me her hearts in the right place but because she's lied about so many things Im still having a hard time believing her. Thanks again, Tug

 

[Thorburn]

My wife made me dinner, had sex with me, spent countless hours looking for a new house so we could be together instead of me living apart from her during the week, paid the bills, etc, etc, etc. All the while cheating on me.

The sacrifices are pointless if she is still involved with other men or another man (IMO).

And the fact that what her ex said on the speaker phone did not bother her in the least. WTH. I told my wife many things about the XOM and she even called him an as*ho*e, after D-day 1 in 2011. Yet she was still seeing him. In the military we call it a feint. It is an action to mislead, to distract, to fake, to draw the opponent into thinking something otherwise.

 

[bandit.45]

All I can say is never marry her. If you can keep her around for companionship and learn to live with sharing her then that's what you will have to do. Or you will have to boot her.

You do not have the threat of divorce to hold over her head like most of the betrayeds here do. And she has already proven through her actions she will not stop talking to the OM.

I don't see where you have many options.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[tug]

All I can say is never marry her. If you can keep her around for companionship and learn to live with sharing her then that's what you will have to do. Or you will have to boot her.

You do not have the threat of divorce to hold over her head like most of the betrayeds here do. And she has already proven through her actions she will not stop talking to the OM.

I don't see where you have many options.
Posted via Mobile Device

Thank you Bandit but I found out she lied again. This time it was a password to her iTunes account. The password had little meaning and has no access to her personal life but I needed it to upgrade the software on our Mac. She told me she hadnt changed it when in fact she did. This at a time when she needed to be honest with me even about what she had to eat for breakfast, trust starts somewhere apparently to her telling the truth with even the most insignificant details in her life is impossible and is never going to happen. I can understand her not wanting to give me her password to her email account but this password as I said is only used to update the software on our Mac. Im in my mid 50's and at no time have I ever known a woman to lie as much as the one Im currently with. Thanks to all that have taken the time to point me in the right direction and make me see who this person really is.

 

[jnj express]

You have to decide what your future is to be----you obviously are not gonna get it to go both ways

Your biggest problem, is one that her last H of 10 yrs couldn't overcome---she likes to and does flirt

All cheaters lie this woman lies, and it doesn't even phase her

She gets put down, it doesn't even phase her

She does things for you---maybe she wants to be Florence Nightingale, to balance her cheating

Whether she has sex with others---who knows---it seems like that didn't come up as a problem in her prior mge

You know her faults---either live with them, and stay with her---or end this relationship, and find someone else---

--there are many other women out there, and yes many of them, will not want a livin-in relationship with you, with your problems---so you have to make some kind of decision---either stay with her, and suck up the fact that she is gonna continue to lie and flirt, and maybe have sex outside your relationship---or leave------its one or the other---

--right now all you are doing is wrecking yourself mentally, and screwing up your own life---but then again---this is your problem and only you can decide how you wanna live your future----but make sure you understand---she probably ain't gonna change for you----she didn't for her X, why would she for you

 

[tug]

You have to decide what your future is to be----you obviously are not gonna get it to go both ways

Your biggest problem, is one that her last H of 10 yrs couldn't overcome---she likes to and does flirt

All cheaters lie this woman lies, and it doesn't even phase her

She gets put down, it doesn't even phase her

She does things for you---maybe she wants to be Florence Nightingale, to balance her cheating

Whether she has sex with others---who knows---it seems like that didn't come up as a problem in her prior mge

This is absolutely killing me, she didnt have to lie to me. What makes it worst is she kept lying to me even at this very moment she's lying to me. On several occasions I told her if she wanted out this is her chance. All she had to say the words and I'd be gone no questions asked and she said she didnt want to end it.

I forgot to mention the mens socks that she put on my dresser thinking they were mine. When I saw them I asked her who they belonged to, she said she didnt know. When I put a pair of my socks up to the pair she put on my dresser it was obvious the socks didnt belong to me. Two people live here and one of us knows nothing about the socks while the other refuses to tell the truth.

Everyone that has posted in the thread I created has been right on the money. Like I said I'm in my mid 50's and have had more relationships than I can remember and should be able to see that she's been unfaithful to me but how could I miss it? Thank you all

 

[tug]

We met at the gym, because I asked her if I could work in with her she thought I was interested. After that we'd seen each other around town which is very odd when you consider the size of town we live in. We'd see each other at the gym and she pursued me even though she was married. We spent time talking in her truck but it never advanced into a sexual relationship because she was married, that went on for about a month than she told me she told her soon to be ex she wanted a divorce. She told him that she couldn't deal with his drinking anymore but she knew the real reason why she was leaving him it was because of me, she tries to justify it saying she told him two years before that she wanted a divorce unless he stopped drinking and he never did. Before we had sex I made her show me the divorce papers, I didnt want to think that I was the one that broke up their marriage. They lived together for 10 months after the divorce was final but he knew about me within days of her telling him she wanted a divorce.

For the life of me I cant figure why a man would want to stay in contact with his ex knowing she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not. She gave me emotions she wasnt willing to give to her ex and he still took her calls and answered her texts for at least 3 years after they were divorced.

I told her now that I leave to lose my number and never call or text me. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend? Besides what kind of "friend" does that?

 

[Thorburn]

In May my wif stopped lying. But as I look back on all the lies, big and small it is all a sign of disrespect. Why be truthful about anything if you don't respect the person? Why stay in contact with the ex if she wanted to leave him so badly over his drinking? What stay in contact for over 3 years behind your back?

Don't you think that the socks belonged to someone who left them in your house?

This woman beneath the surfice is very cold and cunning (IMO).

I believe you are being played big time.

 

[TDSC60]

OK - so she cheated on him with you (not physically, but definitely emotionally accompanied with dishonesty) and now you are upset with her because she is doing the same thing to you. Really?

You get what you pay for, or in this case, what you are willing to accept.

She has shown her pattern of behavior and will not change. The question is are you willing to live with this?

The socks that do not belong to you is a big red flag that she is probably physical with some one other than you.

 

[bandit.45]

This is absolutely killing me, she didnt have to lie to me. What makes it worst is she kept lying to me even at this very moment she's lying to me. On several occasions I told her if she wanted out this is her chance. All she had to say the words and I'd be gone no questions asked and she said she didnt want to end it.

I forgot to mention the mens socks that she put on my dresser thinking they were mine. When I saw them I asked her who they belonged to, she said she didnt know. When I put a pair of my socks up to the pair she put on my dresser it was obvious the socks didnt belong to me. Two people live here and one of us knows nothing about the socks while the other refuses to tell the truth.

Everyone that has posted in the thread I created has been right on the money. Like I said I'm in my mid 50's and have had more relationships than I can remember and should be able to see that she's been unfaithful to me but how could I miss it? Thank you all

Oh man. That is bad.

She has had either the ex H over to the house for some wangdang, or someone else.

She is cheating on you and gaslighting you, trying to make you think you are the crazy one. "Of course those socks are yours! Don't be silly. Here, calm down and drink this coolaide I made for you dear!"

 

[bandit.45]

We met at the gym, because I asked her if I could work in with her she thought I was interested. After that we'd seen each other around town which is very odd when you consider the size of town we live in. We'd see each other at the gym and she pursued me even though she was married. We spent time talking in her truck but it never advanced into a sexual relationship because she was married, that went on for about a month than she told me she told her soon to be ex she wanted a divorce. She told him that she couldn't deal with his drinking anymore but she knew the real reason why she was leaving him it was because of me, she tries to justify it saying she told him two years before that she wanted a divorce unless he stopped drinking and he never did. Before we had sex I made her show me the divorce papers, I didnt want to think that I was the one that broke up their marriage. They lived together for 10 months after the divorce was final but he knew about me within days of her telling him she wanted a divorce.

For the life of me I cant figure why a man would want to stay in contact with his ex knowing she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not. She gave me emotions she wasnt willing to give to her ex and he still took her calls and answered her texts for at least 3 years after they were divorced.

I told her now that I leave to lose my number and never call or text me. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend? Besides what kind of "friend" does that?

Well, since you played a role in breaking up her first marriage, it sounds like you are getting dragged behind the Karma Horse.

Sorry man, I can't feel sorry for you.

But... having said that, you have the opportunity now to extruicate yourself from this cheating woman and go out and develop a healthy relationship with a single woman who isn't a trollop.