Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 43 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Ok. So... I'm sure some of you have seen my other posts before. I disappeared for a while too. Lets to to the point... I am "attached" to another man. I have known this Guy for about. Year and a half now. He's bright, charming, cute, funny and just an all around amazing Guy. My problem is, its becoming more than just a friendship. We both are married with children. I have no idea what's going on but for some reason I "love" this man. I know its stupid, childish and what not but damn. I cannot seem to get him out of my head. All I can think about is him. He talks about us getting together and leaving our spouse. I'm just honestly not sure what to do. I know its wrong. Maybe its because I have a person who cares about my opinions, feelings and actually takes the time out ofbhis day for me. My husband does not. I will her a compliment maybe once every few weeks. I'm not a small girl by anymeans and I'm working on that for myself. Husband calls me fat, this man calls me beautiful. My husband has been too distant for too long. Sex is a rare occasion. So rare I'm beginning to not want it with my husband. This man listens to me when I need to talk to someone while my husband says hes too busy. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm sick of my husbands ****. We are growing distand and maybe this new man is just a temporary solution to feeling so alone? Ugh. Idk. I'm so into this Guy that I've actually become rude, and very angry towards my husband. Like he says something and I just snap. I have never been like this. Ahhh. I don't know. Please. Someone tell me I'm crazy and. And knock some sense into me.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
If you truly feel that way then leave leave your marriage and honor. I can't tell you to try to make it work if you don't want it to.

Divorce him, then do whatever you want.

Its either that or the affair ends and you have no further contact.

Don't make your husband a plan B. If you truly want this guy then jump in after divorcing.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
610 Posts
Listen to yourself.

"I know what I'm doing is wrong but I like doing the wrong thing. Help me."

Willpower is all a matter of what the person wants to do. That's why it's called willpower. When people say they want to do the right thing but don't, they are liars. You have the God-given ability to do the right thing or the wrong thing. You made a promise to your husband and to God that you would do the right thing.

You didn't say "I'll be faithful as long as I feel like it."
You didn't say "I'll be faithful as long as you're being considerate."
You said "I'll be faithful."

You made a promise. So keep it. End the affair, throw yourself at the feet of your husband and let him make the decision to either forgive or throw you out.

OR come to terms with the fact that you are a wicked person. It's one or the other. Don't try to be a cheater and then validate what you've done.

And remember this. People blame affairs on problems going on at home, but in truth it is really the reverse:

Affairs, in all forms, cause problems at home because your infidelity sends off tells that he can perceive. He doesn't know that you're cheating on him but he can feel the marriage itself crying in pain.

That is your responsibility.

Own what you did. Pride is your worst enemy here, lady.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
I think it's more then that. Stop all communication with this "friend". Yes, make the choice but you already know that's it's wrong. Don't ask for reassurances on here because you will not get it here. Tell your husband what's been going on with your life recently. Write a no contact letter to the om and offer your husband full transparency and what ever necessary.
This is going to be a tough uphill battle but you need do either A or B not both.
You know what right in your heart and judging by your post you just need a push to the positive direction in the right way! Your husband deserves to know what's going on, let him know.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,757 Posts
Search the forum for a thread called "I'm a wife in an emotional affair" by AnnieAsh. She's been where you are and is slowly coming out of it. Read her thread. Everything you need to do is there. And it will show you that it can be done.
 
  • Like
Reactions: kipani

·
Registered
Joined
·
33 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Sorry for the wall of text. I'm on mobile. But I have stopped contact with him before. He always finds a way to pop back up as soon as I start fixing myself. I started to tell my husband but couldn't completely tell him what's going on.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
Sorry for the wall of text. I'm on mobile. But I have stopped contact with him before. He always finds a way to pop back up as soon as I start fixing myself. I started to tell my husband but couldn't completely tell him what's going on.
Posted via Mobile Device
He doesn't just pop up. You don't tell him off, which is you purposely leaving yourself open so he is able to renew contact. If you were giving 100% effort to fix yourself you would have told him its over and not to ever contact you.

An analogy would be a guy who says hes quitting smoking, but leaves a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on the table in his bedroom two feet away from him.

Whereas someone serious about quitting smoking would toss any and all smoking related items in the garbage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
Ok. So... I'm sure some of you have seen my other posts before. I disappeared for a while too. Lets to to the point... I am "attached" to another man. I have known this Guy for about. Year and a half now. He's bright, charming, cute, funny and just an all around amazing Guy. My problem is, its becoming more than just a friendship. We both are married with children. I have no idea what's going on but for some reason I "love" this man. I know its stupid, childish and what not but damn. I cannot seem to get him out of my head. All I can think about is him. He talks about us getting together and leaving our spouse. I'm just honestly not sure what to do. I know its wrong. Maybe its because I have a person who cares about my opinions, feelings and actually takes the time out ofbhis day for me. My husband does not. I will her a compliment maybe once every few weeks. I'm not a small girl by anymeans and I'm working on that for myself. Husband calls me fat, this man calls me beautiful. My husband has been too distant for too long. Sex is a rare occasion. So rare I'm beginning to not want it with my husband. This man listens to me when I need to talk to someone while my husband says hes too busy. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm sick of my husbands ****. We are growing distand and maybe this new man is just a temporary solution to feeling so alone? Ugh. Idk. I'm so into this Guy that I've actually become rude, and very angry towards my husband. Like he says something and I just snap. I have never been like this. Ahhh. I don't know. Please. Someone tell me I'm crazy and. And knock some sense into me.
Posted via Mobile Device
Please say you're in your teens or early twenties, you sound like a 15 yr old with boyfriend problems.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,984 Posts
Is the affair physical ?

Husband calls me fat, this man calls me beautiful.
Hmm..I'm guessing that OM has no ulterior motive when he calls you that beautiful while your H has every reason to demean you.

Maybe its because I have a person who cares about my opinions, feelings and actually takes the time out ofbhis day for me
Or maybe he wants to f*ck you..That is why!! That can be a major motivator..


We are growing distand and maybe this new man is just a temporary solution to feeling so alone?
What about your kids ? His family ? His wife ? His kids ? Your Husband, the man you once loved and took marriage vows with ?

None of them matter, right ?


You come off as extremely immature OP.. Maybe you want to look into that..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,291 Posts
How have you brought another man into your marriage?

You have already started slipping on a backward slope.

Unless you stop seeing the other man and thinking about him, your marriage with your husband is in for a trouble.

Your marital problems are better addressed with your husband and you are not right in comparing your husband with OM. How would you feel if your husband compares you with other women? I hear you say your husband says you are fat. You should probably work on your physical appearance.

More importantly, work on your relationship with your husband and do not bring in OM into your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
51 Posts
Feeling attraction for others and falling out of love with your spouse is normal.

How you handle it is what matters.

What happened in my relationship was - my wife fell out of love with me, took it as a sign that we just "weren't suppose to be" and started her EA.

Meanwhile, when I fell out of love with her (twice during the nine year relationship) and pined after someone else - I told myself it was normal, that I would eventually fall out of love with the new girl too, and that It was a sign I needed to work on my marriage.

So I found the moments I loved her the most and built from there. The feelings eventually came back.

She never gave herself the chance, and by the time we realized we had a problem, she was too invested with her EA.

So two ways to handle the same problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,204 Posts
"I'm just honestly not sure what to do. I know its wrong." These two statements don't agree. If you know it's wrong, you know what to do. Right now, you imagine life as a choice between two scenarios, life with husband or life with this new guy. There is a third (very real) possibility. That's being caught in an affair and abandoned by both, maybe losing custody of your kids or keeping the kids but losing 70% of your financial support. The world is full of struggling divorced mom's with kids. It's really easy for a guy to flirt with a woman. How anxious is this guy going to be to leave his wife, lose his kids, at least half of what he owns, damage his reputation, to trade-in for you and your kids? The man you have isn't perfect but he's YOUR man. Even if you had a written guarantee, would you really want a husband who runs around behind your back, flirting with other women? I'm sure he has the same reservations about you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
I am "attached" to another man. I have known this Guy for about. Year and a half now. He's bright, charming, cute, funny and just an all around amazing Guy. My problem is, its becoming more than just a friendship. We both are married with children. I have no idea what's going on but for some reason I "love" this man. I know its stupid, childish and what not but damn. I cannot seem to get him out of my head. All I can think about is him.
What you've done is exchange emotional intimacy with a sexually attractive person who is not your spouse. Many people think they can do this and just maintain a friendship. I'm here to tell you that emotionally intimate conversations lead INEXORABLY to infatuation. That is how infatuation works.

Emotional intimacy means sharing your deepest hopes, dreams, fears, ideas, with someone. It means discussing your day, telling funny stories, what you're worried about, etc. All that stuff is playing with fire, and in His Needs / Her Needs Dr. Harley says that this should be reserved for your marriage partner.

If you want to pour gasoline on that fire, try talking about the problems in your marriage with a sexually attractive person who is not your husband. Now you've done what Shirley Glass (outstanding infidelity researcher) says is "opening a window" toward this man, while building a wall between you and your husband. Your husband is no mind reader; so brick by brick you shut him out from what you're really thinking. Meanwhile, you are pouring your emotional energy and effort toward Sexually Attractive Man.

Maybe sexually attractive man wasn't so sexually attractive at one time. Maybe that made him "safe" to have a friendship with. But if that's the case, you've found out the hard way that human hormones aren't quite so picky. If someone strikes a chord in you, responds to your emotional intimacy, and demonstrates caring--BAM, I will show you a sure-fire recipe for infatuation.

The reason you can't explain your feelings, the reason you sense they are NOT rational, is because they aren't. Infatuation is, as I like to say ad naseum, a biological trick designed to perpetuate the species. It's always seen at the start of a relationship. It does not last.


He talks about us getting together and leaving our spouse. I'm just honestly not sure what to do. I know its wrong. Maybe its because I have a person who cares about my opinions, feelings and actually takes the time out ofbhis day for me. My husband does not. I will her a compliment maybe once every few weeks. I'm not a small girl by anymeans and I'm working on that for myself. Husband calls me fat, this man calls me beautiful. My husband has been too distant for too long. Sex is a rare occasion. So rare I'm beginning to not want it with my husband. This man listens to me when I need to talk to someone while my husband says hes too busy. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm sick of my husbands ****. We are growing distand and maybe this new man is just a temporary solution to feeling so alone? Ugh. Idk. I'm so into this Guy that I've actually become rude, and very angry towards my husband. Like he says something and I just snap.
I want you to examine what you've said here, very closely. Because you're describing a chicken and egg scenario. You have said that this 'friendship' has lasted ONE AND A HALF YEARS. So for 1.5 years, you have been split--giving your husband "just enough" to get by in the relationship, and all the rest, and probably for a long time your best, to this other man.

My husband was in a 4.5 year emotional affair with a woman, and your relationship has certain parallels to my H's. Like you, he would mysteriously snap at me and pick fights. I really despaired over this and thought it would never change. I felt like I was a poor communicator because no matter how I tried I could not get through. So I can tell you for certain, it was NOT me. It was that he was channeling his devotion elsewhere. My very existence was interfering with his ability to spend time with her. No wonder he (and you) had this attitude. It was all about, 'when will we next be together'....

I have never been like this. Ahhh. I don't know. Please. Someone tell me I'm crazy and. And knock some sense into me.
Posted via Mobile Device
1. Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, the very best book on the subject of emotional affairs--at most libraries. Take a peek at the table of contents via the google books excerpts, link is in my signature. Get the book ASAP. Read it if you're serious about changing.

2. Read AnnieAsh's thread as others have recommended. Look at what she says and how she feels etc. It is very long but you will get a lot out of it.

3. You will have to go "cold turkey" no contact with this man to get your marriage back. It doesn't work the other way around. People whose marriages were less than ideal can't stand this idea. They don't want to let go of the baby blanket (the emotional affair) because they need it as a backup in case their marriage fails. But you CANNOT restore your marriage with this other relationship draining your attention, emotions, energy. It is a cancer on your marriage. Maybe there was already another disease in your marriage, that predated your affair, but if you want to save it, you are going to have to operate on the cancer FIRST. Or your marriage is totally dead.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
You say that your husband is distant, lacks sex with you and has no time for you. I am going to guess that he feels something is up. You have admitted to being *****y do to the "Love" you feel for the OM. Would you feel sexy and attentive to a *****y woman? I sure as the hell wouldn't.

You need to start thinking of the consequences of an affair.
1. You will not see your children everyday.
2. You will lose your husband
3. Loss of income
4. A divide family structure as in his family vs your family
5. Loss of friends
6. YOU WILL BE LABELED A CHEATER

If those are not enough to stop you then have at it. Number 1 would have stopped me in my tracks when the idea even popped up.

Lets say you both leave to be together....wait till you have to deal with jaded exs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Sorry for the wall of text. I'm on mobile. But I have stopped contact with him before. He always finds a way to pop back up as soon as I start fixing myself. I started to tell my husband but couldn't completely tell him what's going on.
Posted via Mobile Device
You are weak. I cannot understand the excuse "well he keeps coming back". I have never let someone back into my life that I did not want there. I hope he gets busted by his wife. Then she can call you BH and let him know what is going on. THE TRUTH. I will tell you that it is better he find out from you than the other BS. It counts for something.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
Is the affair physical ?

while your H has every reason to demean you.


..
really. every reason to demean her? dude just because you got dumped and are bitter doesn't mean you are the best source to tell a woman who is being validated by someone other than her crappy husband that she is wrong.

just your sentence there makes you seem....shallow and cruel
 
1 - 20 of 43 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top