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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Trying to reach out to anyone with a similar problem. My husband and I have been married 20 years. Several weeks ago I found he was emailing an old girlfriend. The emails were mostly about what has happened to each of them in the last 20+ years, but many also contained words about how each of them looked forward to the next day's email. They were emailing daily, and my husband seemed to be blindsided by the emotion he felt for her after all these years, and told her this. She agreed that she felt the same way. He was gone with one of our kids when I found the emails, and when he came home he could tell I was very upset about something and point blank asked me if I found them. I said yes and burst into tears. He said that it has been eating at him and he knew it was inappropriate and ashamed of himself. I truly believe there was nothing physical, but for some reason the emotional part of it is so hard for me. I am very depressed and worry everyday there continues to be contact between them. Any advice???
 

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Be glad you caught it when you did...my wife started dialog with an old ex high school boyfriend on facebook and it quickly (6mos) has escalated into her separating...we have been married 14 years.

Make sure he has no further contact with this person!
 

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He has betrayed you and the trust & faith you had in him. You should be hurt and depressed. And you never deserved this. He fell in love with an other woman and abandoned you.

I suggest emailing the other woman and telling her to either leave your husband the hell alone or come and get him out of your house now and wreck even more lives.

As to your betrayer, he needs to live a transparent life from now on. Emails, texts, phone, computer... he no longer owns any privacy. He's thrown that away. And he needs to be fully in agreement and contrite about it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I know it may not seem like a big deal to a lot of others, but it doesn't change that I feel betrayed. The emails continued for a couple of weeks after I found them and then started calling her as well. The biggest problem now is I can't seem to stop checking for emails, even though I know he now deletes them as soon as he reads/sends them. He now says that he is not emailing her anymore and has been in counseling for a couple of weeks now.
 

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I know it may not seem like a big deal to a lot of others, but it doesn't change that I feel betrayed. The emails continued for a couple of weeks after I found them and then started calling her as well. The biggest problem now is I can't seem to stop checking for emails, even though I know he now deletes them as soon as he reads/sends them. He now says that he is not emailing her anymore and has been in counseling for a couple of weeks now.
If he will not be 100% fully transparent then it is obvious he has not stopped. Were it me, I'd ask him to leave and after a few months of being separated the two of you can make your decision.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I definitely don't want either of us to "move" out, because neither of us wants a divorce. We have talked a lot and he wants me to go see the counselor with him, but for some reason I am not ready to do that. So this makes me feel like this is my problem and then I get mad because I didn't cause "my problem".
 

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I know it may not seem like a big deal to a lot of others, but it doesn't change that I feel betrayed. The emails continued for a couple of weeks after I found them and then started calling her as well. The biggest problem now is I can't seem to stop checking for emails, even though I know he now deletes them as soon as he reads/sends them. He now says that he is not emailing her anymore and has been in counseling for a couple of weeks now.
It IS a big deal, Eniale. He betrayed your trust. That's a hard thing for him to get back. My husband's EA wasn't with an old girlfriend, but with a woman who I had also considered a friend. For months after discovery, I wondered if I even had the right to be angry about it because I had done the same thing... just for a longer period of time. :( But then, after coming to TAM, I realized that betrayal is betrayal. I was fortunate in that my husband went NC with his EA when I gave him the choice of her or our marriage. He chose me and didn't look back. But, for MONTHS afterward, I was checking emails and texts CONSTANTLY. He has given me full transparency and I have done the same. I don't check as much anymore. Now, when I get into his emails it is to delete spam because he doesn't check his emails all the time! :mad: But texts... not a sign of her since Father's Day of last year when she tried "fishing". I still have triggers. I still have days when I second guess myself. But we are in a better place now. Much better.

Did you have your husband write a "No Contact" email to her? If not, I really think you should have him OFFICIALLY state NC NOW, so he can't come back and say "well, I didn't know...." As for the OW... I wouldn't contact her. If she has a SO, I'd suggest exposing this to him. But otherwise, it won't do any good to try to get the OW to see your side.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
He has already said he wants to send her an email letting her know how this has affected me and that he can no longer have any contact with her. He also said he wants me to read it before he sends it. I was not able to read every email that was sent back and forth and for some reason I want to see them all, but he says that he has deleted them and I can't find them anywhere I have looked. I don't know what good it will do at this point.

I think I just want to have everything exposed fully because every time I find out something new it's like a brand new wound. Sorry for ranting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yes, alte Dame. This is why I have kept checking email pretty much on a daily basis, although I don't think he has exchanged any emails or phone calls over the last 2 weeks. He did tell me last week she sent him an email and he did not respond.
 

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Wait, so you discovered them, he asked you about it, you burst into tears, he apologized and said he was ashamed, and THEN continued the exchange and started calling her?
That's what I read too. :(

Eniale, let him write the NC email. YOU proofread it. Make sure it does NOT put the blame of THEIR actions on YOU! THEY are to blame for this, NOT YOU. As for counseling... suggest to him that you go through MARRIAGE counseling, not just independent. This was HIS screw up and the only way you can "get over it" is if you deal with it... his behavior and how it has made you feel. He needs to see/ hear the ugly truth of what this has done to YOU. Do NOT let him badger you into believing that this is YOUR problem! He needs to own it! End of discussion.
 

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I definitely don't want either of us to "move" out, because neither of us wants a divorce. We have talked a lot and he wants me to go see the counselor with him, but for some reason I am not ready to do that. So this makes me feel like this is my problem and then I get mad because I didn't cause "my problem".
Moving out does not equal a divorce. But he is supposedly wrought with guilt and continues to email her and then delete them? That says one thing to me- he's chosen her over you. So, you can take it until it has either run its course, he leaves you for her, or lives with you forever more all the while being in love with another woman right under your nose. It sounds like you're most comfortable with just taking it.

The purpose of separating for a while is it lets the both of you let the fog clear and determine just what you want. You can get stronger and he can determine just who he loves and wants to devote himself to. But then if he states it's you, you can add some accountability into the mix.

Otherwise, just continue to put up with it.
 

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Look - this is how he treats you after 20 years? He needs to go NC with a clear letter that you write and send together. Then he has to be totally transparent (no more deleting e-mails; he hands over all passwords, etc.).

If he won't do it, you kick him out.

Seriously, what kind of respect is this?

Please, please, please do not put up with this a moment longer.

Only when you have confirmed NC do you agree to go to counseling with him.
 

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Yes, alte Dame. This is why I have kept checking email pretty much on a daily basis, although I don't think he has exchanged any emails or phone calls over the last 2 weeks. He did tell me last week she sent him an email and he did not respond.
Because of this, you need to tell him that he is to delete NO emails. No exceptions. This is the price he pays for his betrayal. And, he needs to recognize that because he HAS emotionally cheated on you, he is now subject to your "checking up" until such a time as YOU feel confident that there is no reason to check... and that could take 5 YEARS. He doesn't like it? Too damn bad. He should have thought of that before he cheated. And yes, ALL of my passwords are available to my husband, as are his to me. It was one of the things we agreed was necessary in order to repair our marriage. He is free to access my texts, emails, social networks, etc... anytime he wants. And, if he is not comfortable with anything he sees, it is removed, period. These are the things you need to enforce with your husband. And, if he truly wants your marriage to work, he will comply, without hesitation.
 

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Moving out does not equal a divorce. But he is supposedly wrought with guilt and continues to email her and then delete them? That says one thing to me- he's chosen her over you. So, you can take it until it has either run its course, he leaves you for her, or lives with you forever more all the while being in love with another woman right under your nose. It sounds like you're most comfortable with just taking it.

The purpose of separating for a while is it lets the both of you let the fog clear and determine just what you want. You can get stronger and he can determine just who he loves and wants to devote himself to. But then if he states it's you, you can add some accountability into the mix.

Otherwise, just continue to put up with it.
I disagree. All him moving out will do is enable him to continue in his affair, or worse, possibly escalating it. She stands a better chance of fixing this if NC is established and enforced, while both still live in the marital home.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I already have full access to his all his email and full access to his phone. There has never been any text messages sent. I guess my biggest problem is how it has affected me. I feel really broken. So I am trying to figure out if I am making it worse than it is.
 

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I disagree. All him moving out will do is enable him to continue in his affair, or worse, possibly escalating it. She stands a better chance of fixing this if NC is established and enforced, while both still live in the marital home.
I understand that point of view. However, he needs to make up his own mind about who he will devote himself to. If it's not going to be his wife, it won't matter whether they are in the same house or not. The absence and time apart will either foster a sense of guilt and desire for his wife or not. But for my money, it's the best way to find out. Also, the poster seems very weak and she will only get stronger on her own with time to really reflect on all this.

Anyway, my $0.02.
 
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