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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I feel blindsided.

My wife (29) and I (30) have been married for 7 years. We've known each other for 16. The first 9 years we were best friends, never dated, connected about everything. Talked to each other , joked and laughed about our other relationships. At 21/22 we started dating after she confided in me what she had always had a crush on me. Was a bit of a surprise to me, but welcome (obviously). We dated for 3 years in college together and got married the month we graduated

3 years later we had our first daughter. What a joy. Best thing that has happened in my life. Two and a half years later we were pregnant again. Early in the pregnancy there were problems. We were told at the 13 week ultrasound that the baby would not make it (less than .01% chance) and if it did that it would have severe problems. We both let go emotionally and waited for the baby to self terminate.

She didn't. She was a miracle, born with a congenital heart defect. She spent 4 months in the hospital and underwent 8 surgery to correct the pluming in her heart. I never knew I could love someone more than my first daughter. Our second is the happiest kid, never stops smiling. She takes a lot out of us. She is one right now, but developmentally (motor skills) is still like a 7 month old. Other than that she is right on track. Mentally scoring really high and no problems at all.

The last 9 months my wife and I have been living like single parents. I am too busy. I realize that now. I feel like I'm a super dad, working extended hours to provide for the family and let my wife stay at home with our daughters. We never see each other. I looked at this as a difficult time we'll get through... I've always thought that's how she felt too.

8 weeks ago I thought it was odd that my wife went to a football game with a mutual friend of ours from HS. He doesn't even follow the team. They went with a group... I was busy (work of course), so he took my seat. I jokingly said "hey, now you and John get that date he's always wanted." (in HS he was obsessed with my wife, she was never interested). She took it the wrong way... way the wrong way... blew up. Whoa? A week later it came up again and long story short I told her I didn't think it was appropriate for a married woman to be alone with a single guy. She convinced me that I was wrong... I'm controlling. I can't complete her and she needs friends to make her whole. I listened and said "ok"

Sunday I was giving our oldest daughter a bath and heard my wife's phone ping for a text message. It's looked down but it flashed John ____... I made a mental note and thought, let me look at the phone records and see how often he's texting her.

Yesterday I remembered that thought and did.

I spent 2 hours digging through the last 5 months of phone calls and messages. My wife has averaged texting John 221 times a day (over 95% of her total texting), she has talked to him on the phone an average of 26.7 minutes a day since early August. Most of these conversations happen when she is driving to and from school, the texts all day. Sometimes at 2am... always at 8am

I'm confused... how can this much communication be going on between her and someone else without me knowing it? How can that not be deceptive? Sure I'm busy... we both are.

I confronted her about it yesterday, wrong time, our kids were in the back of the van. First question "who would you say you text the most right now?"... "um, my mom and... john". How much would you say you talk to john? "Two, to three times a day"

All sounding like this is no big deal.

"does that strike you as odd?"

"no, he's my friend"

"I need you to be 100% honest with me... can you swear on our daughters lives that nothing is going on between you two physically"

"yes, nothing"

"emotionally?"

"... pause... yes"

I need help... I'm devastated.

We talked a long time last night and she admitted that he is filling an emotional void she has with me. It started while she was in the hospital (100 days straight with our second... amazing mother btw! )... through facebook chat. She said he was someone to talk to, and she feels like I'm closed off and she can't talk to me. I asked her why she feels she can't open up to me... I've never felt like she can connect to me or express her emotions... she doesn't know. She can't answer that.

I knew this was a problem for her and I've often tried to work on it. I always figured she just couldn't open up to anyone.

Now I know there was someone she was opening up to. I'm still convinced nothing physical has happened... but this is just as bad... worse?

How do I fix this... I don't think I can... she needs to right?

We are going to our first marriage counseling session in a couple hours.
 

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Over 221 texts a day? BIG red flag this has to end now if it hasn't gone physical already. She has to be transparent email pw phone pw ect. Sorry man. This is not your fault she could have approached you about this first.Put a var in her car also.
 

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Are you sure john isn't coming to your house while you're at work?

Did you read the content of her text messages or just the logs?
 

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Yes, SHE needs to fix it. She must IMMEDIATELY send a nc letter (please see the newbie link in my signature) There's a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass she should read. And she must prove to you she's not up to anything else. Willingly.

His Needs Her Needs is a great book also, to work through why you grew apart. But before you work on things together, she must come out of her affair fog.

I really hope your MC tells you all this, because if he/she doesn't you need a new one. MC often doesn't help anyway, until the WS gets out of their fog.

And get STD tested.
 

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G*D DAMM*T I hate these stories. This one hits home too.

She has to cut it off completely, no iffs ands or buts. And you need to wake up and give your wife more attention.

Both of these things need to happen. Right. Now.
 

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Make your demands NOW.

NC letter
Complete transparence plus acountability of whereabouts.
Full disclosure (I suspects it's way more than EA)
MC, maybe IC for her.
Reading Not just friends
Plan to rebuild marriage.

Or divorce.

No more options, no I'm confussed (but remaining in contact with OM), no I need time to think/decide (but remaining in contact with OM). The marriage may survive, maybe not but OM is out of the picture for good. She ends it now or divorce.
You can stomach divorce her but not sharing her. If you don't agree with it then embrace the cuckold lifestyle and don't forget to provide condoms (if it's not already a PA she will feel now free to persue it now it's all in the open).

Still on her back you put yourself on PI mode. Trust but verify. Even when agree the rules they rarely can stop definitively at first attepmt. EAs are very hard to crack. They want all. They want what marriage provides AND the cake on the side.

Completely ignore her any excuses justifications, reasons or nonsese she tells you, You are not to blame. She's a grown up. She knew it was wrong.


Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
 

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Make your demands NOW.

NC letter
Complete transparence plus acountability of whereabouts.
Full disclosure (I suspects it's way more than EA)
MC, maybe IC for her.
Reading Not just friends
Plan to rebuild marriage.

Or divorce.

No more options, no I'm confussed (but remaining in contact with OM), no I need time to think/decide (but remaining in contact with OM). The marriage may survive, maybe not but OM is out of the picture for good. She ends it now or divorce.
You can stomach divorce her but not sharing her. If you don't agree with it then embrace the cuckold lifestyle and don't forget to provide condoms (if it's not already a PA she will feel now free to persue it now it's all in the open).

Still on her back you put yourself on PI mode. Trust but verify. Even when agree the rules they rarely can stop definitively at first attepmt. EAs are very hard to crack. They want all. They want what marriage provides AND the cake on the side.


Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
This should be in the TAM Bible.
 

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We talked a long time last night and she admitted that he is filling an emotional void she has with me.
She admitted right there to being in a emotional affair (EA) with this other man (OM).

She said he was someone to talk to, and she feels like I'm closed off and she can't talk to me. I asked her why she feels she can't open up to me... I've never felt like she can connect to me or express her emotions... she doesn't know. She can't answer that.
She is telling you to your face that the OM has successfully gotten in between the two of you and your marriage and that she is picking him over you. This is for sure an EA.

An emotional affair is cheating pure and simple. Read “Not Just Friends” today. Your marriage is in danger. Act now. You are not over reacting. You are not controlling. You have a right to protect your marriage. BTW, if the MC does not say this, you need to get a new one. After you have read the book "Not Just Friends", have both your wife and the MC read it. Also do not blame yourself for not being perfect. No one is perfect yet a cheater will always try to blame shift by holding you to a standard of perfection that they do no hold themselves to; do not buy into this.
 

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A man will not text ANYBODY 221 times/day unless he's getting tail, or trying like hell to get it.

You need to confront this "mutual friend" now. No crazy threats or yelling. Just tell him in a confident voice that you know what he's up to, you see him as a predator on your family, and you WILL do whatever it takes to protect your family. Then you STFU, and end the conversation. No need to listen to this POS explain himself.
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
A man will not text ANYBODY 221 times/day unless he's getting tail, or trying like hell to get it.

You need to confront this "mutual friend" now. No crazy threats or yelling. Just tell him in a confident voice that you know what he's up to, you see him as a predator on your family, and you WILL do whatever it takes to protect your family. Then you STFU, and end the conversation. No need to listen to this POS explain himself.

I was going to ask if this was appropriate or not. DW even mentioned last night (in her self sobbing over how she understands this will cost her a friend)... "He really likes you. We should all just hang out together more."

I find myself angry at this guy. Maybe I'm making excuses for my wife, but she was in emotion distress over our daughter and he swooped in... what guy does that without realizing it? She's convinced its innocent and talks about him like there is absolutely no attraction - just someone to talk to. I don't believe her looking at the facts (writing is on the wall)... but in 16 years I've learned to read her pretty well and it appears to me she isn't lying at the no physical contact.

Thanks for the advice so far. I am level headed enough to realize that some things just aren't meant to be. I understand that it takes two... and if I'm willing and she is not there is nothing I can do. We're better off apart.

What kills me inside is our daughters... they deserve better. :(
 

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I would not rule out the idea that your wife is in a physical affair with this guy either. Why would she bristle at you when you made a joke about her giving John the date he never got with her in HS? You probably hit too close to home with that comment. If it was truly only an EA, she probably felt guilty about all the time she talked to John as early as that moment. She knows/knew what she was doing. Don't let her fool you about it being innocent.
 

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Not just Friends .

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?


Yes No

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

Yes No

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

Yes No


4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

Yes No


5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

Yes No


6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

Yes No


7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others?

Yes No


8. Are you in love with your friend?

Yes No

Scoring Key:

You get one point each for yes to questions 1, 2, 6, 7, 8, and one point each for no to 3, 4, 5.

If you scored near 0, this is just a friendship.
If you scored 3 or more, you may not be "just friends."
If you scored 7-8, you are definitely involved in an emotional affair.
 

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I have to agree with thunderstruck. If you believe she's only in an emotional affair, you need to prepare yourself for finding out otherwise. My wife trickle truthed me into believing that, and I found a lot fewer text logs than you have.

But I kept on looking.

See if you can get on her computer and run e-mail recovery software for her deleted e-mails. That's how I discovered my wife was lying about the EA, which turned out to be a 2 year PA.
 

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I have to agree with thunderstruck. If you believe she's only in an emotional affair, you need to prepare yourself for finding out otherwise. My wife trickle truthed me into believing that, and I found a lot fewer text logs than you have.

But I kept on looking.

See if you can get on her computer and run e-mail recovery software for her deleted e-mails. That's how I discovered my wife was lying about the EA, which turned out to be a 2 year PA.
Time to think about scheduling a polygraph test. If she can't go cold turkey on him I would get some legal advice.
 

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I was going to ask if this was appropriate or not. DW even mentioned last night (in her self sobbing over how she understands this will cost her a friend)... "He really likes you. We should all just hang out together more."

I find myself angry at this guy. Maybe I'm making excuses for my wife, but she was in emotion distress over our daughter and he swooped in... what guy does that without realizing it? She's convinced its innocent and talks about him like there is absolutely no attraction - just someone to talk to. I don't believe her looking at the facts (writing is on the wall)... but in 16 years I've learned to read her pretty well and it appears to me she isn't lying at the no physical contact.

Thanks for the advice so far. I am level headed enough to realize that some things just aren't meant to be. I understand that it takes two... and if I'm willing and she is not there is nothing I can do. We're better off apart.

What kills me inside is our daughters... they deserve better. :(
You can not read her pretty well, she has been texting another man two hundred and twenty times a day and you didn't "read it". You no longer know who she is, everything is fake and should be questioned now. If you think this guy sent her 20,000, yes 20,000 text meassages without anything physical you are crazy! Does this guy have a job? how can he text so much?
 

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You can not read her pretty well, she has been texting another man two hundred and twenty times a day and you didn't "read it". You no longer know who she is, everything is fake and should be questioned now. If you think this guy sent her 20,000, yes 20,000 text meassages without anything physical you are crazy! Does this guy have a job? how can he text so much?
Exactly. No man would invest so much time and effort without getting something physical in return.
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