Emotional Affair?

I feel blindsided.

My wife (29) and I (30) have been married for 7 years. We've known each other for 16. The first 9 years we were best friends, never dated, connected about everything. Talked to each other , joked and laughed about our other relationships. At 21/22 we started dating after she confided in me what she had always had a crush on me. Was a bit of a surprise to me, but welcome (obviously). We dated for 3 years in college together and got married the month we graduated

3 years later we had our first daughter. What a joy. Best thing that has happened in my life. Two and a half years later we were pregnant again. Early in the pregnancy there were problems. We were told at the 13 week ultrasound that the baby would not make it (less than .01% chance) and if it did that it would have severe problems. We both let go emotionally and waited for the baby to self terminate.

She didn't. She was a miracle, born with a congenital heart defect. She spent 4 months in the hospital and underwent 8 surgery to correct the pluming in her heart. I never knew I could love someone more than my first daughter. Our second is the happiest kid, never stops smiling. She takes a lot out of us. She is one right now, but developmentally (motor skills) is still like a 7 month old. Other than that she is right on track. Mentally scoring really high and no problems at all.

The last 9 months my wife and I have been living like single parents. I am too busy. I realize that now. I feel like I'm a super dad, working extended hours to provide for the family and let my wife stay at home with our daughters. We never see each other. I looked at this as a difficult time we'll get through... I've always thought that's how she felt too.

8 weeks ago I thought it was odd that my wife went to a football game with a mutual friend of ours from HS. He doesn't even follow the team. They went with a group... I was busy (work of course), so he took my seat. I jokingly said "hey, now you and John get that date he's always wanted." (in HS he was obsessed with my wife, she was never interested). She took it the wrong way... way the wrong way... blew up. Whoa? A week later it came up again and long story short I told her I didn't think it was appropriate for a married woman to be alone with a single guy. She convinced me that I was wrong... I'm controlling. I can't complete her and she needs friends to make her whole. I listened and said "ok"

Sunday I was giving our oldest daughter a bath and heard my wife's phone ping for a text message. It's looked down but it flashed John ____... I made a mental note and thought, let me look at the phone records and see how often he's texting her.

Yesterday I remembered that thought and did.

I spent 2 hours digging through the last 5 months of phone calls and messages. My wife has averaged texting John 221 times a day (over 95% of her total texting), she has talked to him on the phone an average of 26.7 minutes a day since early August. Most of these conversations happen when she is driving to and from school, the texts all day. Sometimes at 2am... always at 8am

I'm confused... how can this much communication be going on between her and someone else without me knowing it? How can that not be deceptive? Sure I'm busy... we both are.

I confronted her about it yesterday, wrong time, our kids were in the back of the van. First question "who would you say you text the most right now?"... "um, my mom and... john". How much would you say you talk to john? "Two, to three times a day"

All sounding like this is no big deal.

"does that strike you as odd?"

"no, he's my friend"

"I need you to be 100% honest with me... can you swear on our daughters lives that nothing is going on between you two physically"

"yes, nothing"

"emotionally?"

"... pause... yes"

I need help... I'm devastated.

We talked a long time last night and she admitted that he is filling an emotional void she has with me. It started while she was in the hospital (100 days straight with our second... amazing mother btw! )... through facebook chat. She said he was someone to talk to, and she feels like I'm closed off and she can't talk to me. I asked her why she feels she can't open up to me... I've never felt like she can connect to me or express her emotions... she doesn't know. She can't answer that.

I knew this was a problem for her and I've often tried to work on it. I always figured she just couldn't open up to anyone.

Now I know there was someone she was opening up to. I'm still convinced nothing physical has happened... but this is just as bad... worse?

How do I fix this... I don't think I can... she needs to right?

We are going to our first marriage counseling session in a couple hours.