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Warning, this will be long...

People who experience childhood trauma learn that the world is not safe, that they cannot lean on those closest to them, and that they cannot trust other people. It is very common for her to push you away because she has learned that the people closest to her, who are supposed to be there for her, are unsafe and unreliable. So, they turn to other people to try and fill that void, but it never works. That is not your fault, that is something that she has to choose to work on. So she doesn't feel safe. What do we do when we are in danger? We protect ourselves. We go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Your wife reverts to her childhood and teen years because, for her, that works. After all, it got her through her childhood, right? It made her survive. It becomes so ingrained that it becomes an automatic response. Something that she needs to learn is that it's not healthy and it's not true.

Your wife thinking that you are not safe, that you do not love her, etc., that is just the way her mind works right now - as a direct result of her childhood trauma. YOU know that you are safe, that you love her, etc. and you are baffled that she cannot see that. My wife has spent the last 6 months slowly realizing that I actually do love her and everything she was searching for in affairs, she already had or had the potential to have, with me. That is after being together for 17 years and a year of intensive therapy (several times a week). She is just now starting to feel loved. For my wife, it didn't matter what I said or did, she could come up with several reasons to negate mine. I imagine your wife is the same way. After all, why would she have any worth or why would you love her when her own parents didn't love her? You need to reassure your wife over and over and over that nothing from her childhood will make you leave her or stop loving her. She won't believe it, she can't, but say it anyway. Do not say she can tell you anything and you won't leave, because what if she says she banged the whole football team yesterday, right? Then YOU'RE the liar (to her). Make sure you say "from her childhood". Her parents ignored and neglected her, so she wants you to PROVE that you want her. Unfortunately, that seems to mean chasing her and begging for her while she has phone sex with another man (also satisfying the "daddy issues" she has and searching for things she thinks she's missing). That is not realistic, not an option and not acceptable. You need to make it very clear that you are willing to work on the marriage, but NOT while another man is in the picture.

Keep in mind, her past is NOT a justification for her cheating. You can use her past to understand her cheating, but not to excuse, dismiss or justify it.

The effects of childhood abuse are devastating and will reak havoc on the rest of her life, as well as your life and the lives of your children, if she allows it to. That's the key there, "if she allows it to". She, and she alone, has the power to change this. During her childhood, she didn't have a choice/power. Something that she has to realize is... now she does, but she has to direct that power in the right direction. She can choose to allow her past abusers and experiences to keep having control over her and allow them to ruin her life, or she can say enough is enough, do something about it and end the cycle.

Until your wife is ready to unpack the trauma and face her demons, she never will and this will not get better. You cannot force her to go, if you did it would be a waste of time and money. She needs to come to the point of A) knowing she needs help and B) being ready to accept that help. Those are two very different things and may not (most likely will not) come at the same time. In fact, they may NEVER come. Some people will never, ever get help. Therapy is hard, REALLY hard, and someone has to REALLY want it to go through with it. Many people will not do it and as a result, never improve.

One suggestion I have is to try changing your approach.

Your wife is defensive about needing therapy and owning up to her problems. So, don't present this as HER problem. Don't tell her that she has trust issues because that will make her defensive. Don't tell her that you want therapy to talk about her past trauma. She already feels broken enough. Telling her that she needs therapy could make her feel more broken because something needs fixing. Turn the focus away from her, and onto the marriage. Ask her if she will go to marriage counseling with you, not for HER issues but for the marriage and for YOU.

The point of marriage counseling, in this case, is to get her to dip her toes into therapy. Once she is in the door the therapist can start working with her, and you. It might help, or it might not. Alternatively, YOU can start going to therapy for yourself (and you DO need it). This may show her that therapy isn't that bad or encourage her to do the same. If your wife refuses therapy or the work, refuses to even read a book, or keeps up with the affair, then your marriage is over. You can only hold on for so long and you cannot keep playing games. You can wait around and hope she changes but that time may never come. It's like being married to an addict, if they will not get help, at some point you have to call it quits. Things won't change unless your wife does.

I'll be honest, the journey sucks. It really, really does, but it has been worth it for me. That being said, I am only with my wife because she does the work in therapy and marriage counseling, there has been a lot of progress, she is committed to getting and being better, and when she stumbles she gets back up. If you try to fix this, you are in for a LONG, HARD ride. It gets a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. It will take YEARS of VERY hard work to recover from and her past will never be erased. It will never be "gone", just dealt with in a healthier way. I don't say that to try and scare you off or anything. I say that because it's true and you need to understand that. Dealing with this sort of thing is no easy feat and it's not for everyone. A lot of people in your position would not stay, and you know what, that's okay. Whether you choose to stay or leave, the right choice is whatever is best for YOU and your sanity.
 

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Discussion Starter #122
Warning, this will be long...

People who experience childhood trauma learn that the world is not safe, that they cannot lean on those closest to them, and that they cannot trust other people. It is very common for her to push you away because she has learned that the people closest to her, who are supposed to be there for her, are unsafe and unreliable. So, they turn to other people to try and fill that void, but it never works. That is not your fault, that is something that she has to choose to work on. So she doesn't feel safe. What do we do when we are in danger? We protect ourselves. We go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Your wife reverts to her childhood and teen years because, for her, that works. After all, it got her through her childhood, right? It made her survive. It becomes so ingrained that it becomes an automatic response. Something that she needs to learn is that it's not healthy and it's not true.

Your wife thinking that you are not safe, that you do not love her, etc., that is just the way her mind works right now - as a direct result of her childhood trauma. YOU know that you are safe, that you love her, etc. and you are baffled that she cannot see that. My wife has spent the last 6 months slowly realizing that I actually do love her and everything she was searching for in affairs, she already had or had the potential to have, with me. That is after being together for 17 years and a year of intensive therapy (several times a week). She is just now starting to feel loved. For my wife, it didn't matter what I said or did, she could come up with several reasons to negate mine. I imagine your wife is the same way. After all, why would she have any worth or why would you love her when her own parents didn't love her? You need to reassure your wife over and over and over that nothing from her childhood will make you leave her or stop loving her. She won't believe it, she can't, but say it anyway. Do not say she can tell you anything and you won't leave, because what if she says she banged the whole football team yesterday, right? Then YOU'RE the liar (to her). Make sure you say "from her childhood". Her parents ignored and neglected her, so she wants you to PROVE that you want her. Unfortunately, that seems to mean chasing her and begging for her while she has phone sex with another man (also satisfying the "daddy issues" she has and searching for things she thinks she's missing). That is not realistic, not an option and not acceptable. You need to make it very clear that you are willing to work on the marriage, but NOT while another man is in the picture.

Keep in mind, her past is NOT a justification for her cheating. You can use her past to understand her cheating, but not to excuse, dismiss or justify it.

The effects of childhood abuse are devastating and will reak havoc on the rest of her life, as well as your life and the lives of your children, if she allows it to. That's the key there, "if she allows it to". She, and she alone, has the power to change this. During her childhood, she didn't have a choice/power. Something that she has to realize is... now she does, but she has to direct that power in the right direction. She can choose to allow her past abusers and experiences to keep having control over her and allow them to ruin her life, or she can say enough is enough, do something about it and end the cycle.

Until your wife is ready to unpack the trauma and face her demons, she never will and this will not get better. You cannot force her to go, if you did it would be a waste of time and money. She needs to come to the point of A) knowing she needs help and B) being ready to accept that help. Those are two very different things and may not (most likely will not) come at the same time. In fact, they may NEVER come. Some people will never, ever get help. Therapy is hard, REALLY hard, and someone has to REALLY want it to go through with it. Many people will not do it and as a result, never improve.

One suggestion I have is to try changing your approach.

Your wife is defensive about needing therapy and owning up to her problems. So, don't present this as HER problem. Don't tell her that she has trust issues because that will make her defensive. Don't tell her that you want therapy to talk about her past trauma. She already feels broken enough. Telling her that she needs therapy could make her feel more broken because something needs fixing. Turn the focus away from her, and onto the marriage. Ask her if she will go to marriage counseling with you, not for HER issues but for the marriage and for YOU.

The point of marriage counseling, in this case, is to get her to dip her toes into therapy. Once she is in the door the therapist can start working with her, and you. It might help, or it might not. Alternatively, YOU can start going to therapy for yourself (and you DO need it). This may show her that therapy isn't that bad or encourage her to do the same. If your wife refuses therapy or the work, refuses to even read a book, or keeps up with the affair, then your marriage is over. You can only hold on for so long and you cannot keep playing games. You can wait around and hope she changes but that time may never come. It's like being married to an addict, if they will not get help, at some point you have to call it quits. Things won't change unless your wife does.

I'll be honest, the journey sucks. It really, really does, but it has been worth it for me. That being said, I am only with my wife because she does the work in therapy and marriage counseling, there has been a lot of progress, she is committed to getting and being better, and when she stumbles she gets back up. If you try to fix this, you are in for a LONG, HARD ride. It gets a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. It will take YEARS of VERY hard work to recover from and her past will never be erased. It will never be "gone", just dealt with in a healthier way. I don't say that to try and scare you off or anything. I say that because it's true and you need to understand that. Dealing with this sort of thing is no easy feat and it's not for everyone. A lot of people in your position would not stay, and you know what, that's okay. Whether you choose to stay or leave, the right choice is whatever is best for YOU and your sanity.
Thanks alot for that, i really appreciate it. Im in this for the long haul. Ive told her i want to work on the marriage and she said she doesnt want to. She has tried her hardest to show me what she needs in the past and i havnt made the right changes she said. I know ive made those changes now.
Just getting her to see something worth fighting for is hard as she says she cant or wont give up this other man because of the "escape" he gives her.
I said I want to work to fix her reality so she doesnt have to escape. Then she says thats shes tired of "being good" and just likes being "accepted" by this other man.

I guess the first goal is to bring her to a place where i can put the proposal to her to work on the marriage and stop talking to this person. She said a whole lot of apologies to me last night but is still adament that she is justified in what she is doing.
Unfortunately the culture shes from is reknowned for broken homes, abuse and being self destructive.

I really commend you for sticking in there in your marriage. I hope you have a speedy journey down the road of recovery.
 

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Thanks alot for that, i really appreciate it. Im in this for the long haul. Ive told her i want to work on the marriage and she said she doesnt want to. She has tried her hardest to show me what she needs in the past and i havnt made the right changes she said. I know ive made those changes now.
Just getting her to see something worth fighting for is hard as she says she cant or wont give up this other man because of the "escape" he gives her.
I said I want to work to fix her reality so she doesnt have to escape. Then she says thats shes tired of "being good" and just likes being "accepted" by this other man.

I guess the first goal is to bring her to a place where i can put the proposal to her to work on the marriage and stop talking to this person. She said a whole lot of apologies to me last night but is still adament that she is justified in what she is doing.
Unfortunately the culture shes from is reknowned for broken homes, abuse and being self destructive.

I really commend you for sticking in there in your marriage. I hope you have a speedy journey down the road of recovery.
What changes did she want you to make? What were the issues in the past? Maybe it is too late. People can only handle so much and at a certain point they check out. Remember, it may have lead to her wanting a divorce, but it is not an excuse for cheating.

So, this SUCKS but sometimes understanding and acceptance can help. You could try talking to her about the affair. During those conversations, DO NOT berate her, tell her to end the affair, beg or plead, fight or yell, try to convince her why she's wrong, or talk about your feelings at all (save that for later). Instead, talk to her to understand how she feels about him, how she feels when she's talking to him, why that makes her feel good, why she's choosing him, etc. Then accept how she feels. DO NOT accept the actions of the affair, that's not what I'm saying AT ALL. What you can do is accept and understand how she feels about the OM and the whole situation. NO ONE wants to hear their spouse talk about that, I know. I hated hearing anything about my wife's AP's or her feelings. You absolutely have to be strong and control yourself emotionally. Ideally, you would be doing that with a therapist but that doesn't seem likely to happen.

That feeling of acceptance (by you), could help. She clearly needs to feel truly accepted by you.

Beyond that, you need to show her that while you can understand and accept her feelings, the actions are unacceptable and that you will not tolerate that. Stop telling her to end the affair, instead tell her that you are unwilling to be her husband if she is going to have an OM in the picture. Tell her "Well, if that's who you want to be with then go be with him because you don't get both of us". Then live like you are already done. Right now, she probably won't care - have hope and just wait. I would give it a month. You have to be willing to lose everything and while that may seem counterproductive, it's not.

If you do try to win her back, it will have the opposite effect that you're going for. It will push her away, or she will stay but keep OM around as well. Right now she thinks she is getting all the attention, affirmation, desire, intimacy, etc. that she needs from the OM. Do not give her more of it. Why would she stop the affair if she is getting the best of both worlds? Do not give her anything. Affairs are about selfishness, fantasy, and escape. By doing those things you are showing your wife that it is indeed, all about her.

Stop telling her to end it. Do not beg and plead. Do not chase her. Do not pursue her. Do not show her affection. No dates. Do not cook for her, give her flowers, etc. No late-night conversations. No comforting her. Do not share a bed. No physical intimacy whatsoever. Pretend she has COVID-19. Do not be there for every beck and call. Do not jump to help her. Do your side of the chores and that's it. Create a schedule for your children - your time and her time, do not bend on that for her to have OM time. Do not give her the luxury of bouncing back and forth between you and the OM. She wants a divorce and her OM? Then show her what her life is going to be like when she divorces you and chooses the phone sex OM who, despite what she thinks, cannot fulfill all of her needs from another continent.

And if it does end for good... Well, you're already on the road to detaching and living a life on your own.
 

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Thanks alot for that, i really appreciate it. Im in this for the long haul. Ive told her i want to work on the marriage and she said she doesnt want to. She has tried her hardest to show me what she needs in the past and i havnt made the right changes she said. I know ive made those changes now.
Just getting her to see something worth fighting for is hard as she says she cant or wont give up this other man because of the "escape" he gives her.
I said I want to work to fix her reality so she doesnt have to escape. Then she says thats shes tired of "being good" and just likes being "accepted" by this other man.

I guess the first goal is to bring her to a place where i can put the proposal to her to work on the marriage and stop talking to this person. She said a whole lot of apologies to me last night but is still adament that she is justified in what she is doing.
Unfortunately the culture shes from is reknowned for broken homes, abuse and being self destructive.
Why are you acting like her cheating is your fault. Have you been reading?

It is not your fault. You are only responsible for your 50% of the marriage, not her cheating.

You see that, right?
 

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Discussion Starter #125
Why are you acting like her cheating is your fault. Have you been reading?

It is not your fault. You are only responsible for your 50% of the marriage, not her cheating.

You see that, right?
I do see that. I guess im disappointed i didnt realise this has to do with her past trauma, and i expected her to be more commited.
 

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Discussion Starter #126
What changes did she want you to make? What were the issues in the past? Maybe it is too late. People can only handle so much and at a certain point they check out. Remember, it may have lead to her wanting a divorce, but it is not an excuse for cheating.

So, this SUCKS but sometimes understanding and acceptance can help. You could try talking to her about the affair. During those conversations, DO NOT berate her, tell her to end the affair, beg or plead, fight or yell, try to convince her why she's wrong, or talk about your feelings at all (save that for later). Instead, talk to her to understand how she feels about him, how she feels when she's talking to him, why that makes her feel good, why she's choosing him, etc. Then accept how she feels. DO NOT accept the actions of the affair, that's not what I'm saying AT ALL. What you can do is accept and understand how she feels about the OM and the whole situation. NO ONE wants to hear their spouse talk about that, I know. I hated hearing anything about my wife's AP's or her feelings. You absolutely have to be strong and control yourself emotionally. Ideally, you would be doing that with a therapist but that doesn't seem likely to happen.

That feeling of acceptance (by you), could help. She clearly needs to feel truly accepted by you.

Beyond that, you need to show her that while you can understand and accept her feelings, the actions are unacceptable and that you will not tolerate that. Stop telling her to end the affair, instead tell her that you are unwilling to be her husband if she is going to have an OM in the picture. Tell her "Well, if that's who you want to be with then go be with him because you don't get both of us". Then live like you are already done. Right now, she probably won't care - have hope and just wait. I would give it a month. You have to be willing to lose everything and while that may seem counterproductive, it's not.

If you do try to win her back, it will have the opposite effect that you're going for. It will push her away, or she will stay but keep OM around as well. Right now she thinks she is getting all the attention, affirmation, desire, intimacy, etc. that she needs from the OM. Do not give her more of it. Why would she stop the affair if she is getting the best of both worlds? Do not give her anything. Affairs are about selfishness, fantasy, and escape. By doing those things you are showing your wife that it is indeed, all about her.

Stop telling her to end it. Do not beg and plead. Do not chase her. Do not pursue her. Do not show her affection. No dates. Do not cook for her, give her flowers, etc. No late-night conversations. No comforting her. Do not share a bed. No physical intimacy whatsoever. Pretend she has COVID-19. Do not be there for every beck and call. Do not jump to help her. Do your side of the chores and that's it. Create a schedule for your children - your time and her time, do not bend on that for her to have OM time. Do not give her the luxury of bouncing back and forth between you and the OM. She wants a divorce and her OM? Then show her what her life is going to be like when she divorces you and chooses the phone sex OM who, despite what she thinks, cannot fulfill all of her needs from another continent.

And if it does end for good... Well, you're already on the road to detaching and living a life on your own.
Im prepared to go down the "let her go" road the thing i struggle with is i do that for a day and shel notice it and start asking why, and she says "its because ive given up on her". I guess i have to, like you say, make it clear that she can only have one man.
She has been extremely open about how this man makes her feel (apart from the sexual side of things which she still thinks is a secret) like being accepted for who she really is. Theyr in the "dating honeymoon stage" where its all very thrilling and dreams are free.
Ive definitely been accepting of what she says when she talks about OM and what she gets out of it, the annoying thing is shes always asking me questions and trying to get a reaction out of me. Ive said that she cant really expect anything between her and me if theres another man involved. Trouble is she reckons wer not "married" anyway. I guess its time for my actions to speak and actually show her what life without me would be like.

In the past her main complaint was that i wasnt loving in a caring way. Like id get annoyed if she was sick and just be frustrated by her lack of helping out. The last 2 years ive worked on average around 50hours a week, ive looked after the kids completely whenever im home, ive cooked dinner 60% of the time if not more, done all the garden chores, done 80% of the cleaning and washing, ive always been ready to meet her sexual needs. I honestly love her enough to not worry about doing all this but she said she would do more if she was happier and if i showed any frustration at my work load or implied that she should do more it made her unhappy and im back square one doing everything and trying make her happy again. With 2 babies during this time ive done it out of love and care for her but it just wasnt seen that way i guess. She wanted the fuzzy feeling of being in love and thats what her main complaint was. Ive shown her that i dont get annoyed at her being sick anymore which was a frustration thing for me as she hasnt been too healthy (partly her fault) and i work under alot of deadlines at work.

Sorry thats a long rant.
 

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Thanks it means alot. Shes extremely confused. She broke down in tears last night saying she was so lost and wondered if i still loved her. Its so hard to know what to do when i realise that she feels no self worth and feels like she needs to find it elsewhere. I dont want to be sucked into any games she might be playing but im aware that the person i know is lost in there somewhere and its hard letting her know that i do love her no matter what shes done without just being a crutch for her when she feels guilty for her actions.
Have empathy....but it has to have limits.
She must be faithful and honor you as her lifelong, exclusive mate.
She can't get love, understanding, sympathy, empathy while fornicating outside of her marriage seal.
If she breaks that seal that then that breaks the marriage.
Exclusive fidelity is the seal and separates your relationship together from every other person in the world.
If she breaks that....you owe her nothing.
"Except for the cause of fornication...causeth her to commit adultery"
 

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I do see that. I guess im disappointed i didnt realise this has to do with her past trauma, and i expected her to be more commited.
The thing is this. She is a grown woman, she knew she had trauma. She knew she needed therapy at least. But those are not the decisions, adult healthy decisions, that she made.

She, for whatever reason made the decision to cheat, She mad the decision to NOT turn to you and instead chose to betray you and your marriage.

That was her decision, it really does not matter why she did it right now, she did it. She chose to do it. Nobody made her cheat.

She chose by herself to screw you over and screw, at least, him.

This is not your fault. You need to wake up about what is going on.

YOU CANNOT FIX THIS only she could, if she wanted to, which she does not...
 

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Discussion Starter #129
Have empathy....but it has to have limits.
She must be faithful and honor you as her lifelong, exclusive mate.
She can't get love, understanding, sympathy, empathy while fornicating outside of her marriage seal.
If she breaks that seal that then that breaks the marriage.
Exclusive fidelity is the seal and separates your relationship together from every other person in the world.
If she breaks that....you owe her nothing.
"Except for the cause of fornication...causeth her to commit adultery"
For sure. Im just trying to find the right balance of how much care and empathy i show at this stage when im pretty much going down the 180 path
 

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Discussion Starter #130
The thing is this. She is a grown woman, she knew she had trauma. She knew she needed therapy at least. But those are not the decisions, adult healthy decisions, that she made.

She, for whatever reason made the decision to cheat, She mad the decision to NOT turn to you and instead chose to betray you and your marriage.

That was her decision, it really does not matter why she did it right now, she did it. She chose to do it. Nobody made her cheat.

She chose by herself to screw you over and screw, at least, him.

This is not your fault. You need to wake up about what is going on.

YOU CANNOT FIX THIS only she could, if she wanted to, which she does not...
Your 100% right. I know she was forced to do counseling as a teen but school counselers are not the sort of people youd open up to, they just told her she was depressed.
To use her words.
"Its messed up"
Choice is hers for sure.
 

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Have empathy....but it has to have limits.
She must be faithful and honor you as her lifelong, exclusive mate.
She can't get love, understanding, sympathy, empathy while fornicating outside of her marriage seal.
If she breaks that seal that then that breaks the marriage.
Exclusive fidelity is the seal and separates your relationship together from every other person in the world.
If she breaks that....you owe her nothing.
"Except for the cause of fornication...causeth her to commit adultery"
And she's had 6 yrs of empathy. Enough is enough.
 

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Discussion Starter #132
Update:

My wife just said she thinks she might need therapy!!!
With not even a suggestion from me.

She hasnt broken contact with the OM but they decided to "just be friends". Im letting it sit for now and just getting on with myself, i think shes telling him all about her problems which i hate, but apparently hes sticking up for me, so maybe he suggested therapy, either way im letting her find her own way back to me.
She has starting back tracking although theres no commitment or accountability yet.

I intend to get therapy for myself anyway and try and sort out my codependency and whatnot.

Long road ahead but at least theres progress for her own mental health.
 

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Update:

My wife just said she thinks she might need therapy!!!
With not even a suggestion from me.

She hasnt broken contact with the OM but they decided to "just be friends". Im letting it sit for now and just getting on with myself, i think shes telling him all about her problems which i hate, but apparently hes sticking up for me, so maybe he suggested therapy, either way im letting her find her own way back to me.
She has starting back tracking although theres no commitment or accountability yet.

I intend to get therapy for myself anyway and try and sort out my codependency and whatnot.

Long road ahead but at least theres progress for her own mental health.
He dumped her so she's willing to pretend to work things out with you. It's also why he's pushing her back to you - he doesn't want her any more now that he's had all he wants from her and now she's just a pain in the ass and work.

This is all temporary while she looks for someone else. The therapy is either theatrics or that she knows she needs to get better at picking guys - again, so she picks a better next one.
 

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Update:

My wife just said she thinks she might need therapy!!!
With not even a suggestion from me.

She hasnt broken contact with the OM but they decided to "just be friends".
LOL...so in other words, her boyfriend no longer feels the risk is worth the reward and doesn't want her or her drama anymore, so she has to eat some humble pie in order to keep herself from being kicked out your front door (where she belongs). Talk about a manipulative opportunist - she's the damned Queen.

Her sudden, oh-so-heartfelt comment about needing professional help was merely designed to soften you up so you start believing her bullshit story about how her head is messed up and THAT'S why she was making the choices she was making. What a crock of bullshit. Every choice she made was based on her own selfish needs and desires and you OP, you were just collateral damage in the process that she didn't give a rat's ass about. But now, she needs to come running back to you because she has no other options - so she's going to tell you anything she thinks will soften you up - including that crap about therapy.

That is SUCH a typical cheater maneuver, throwing the old therapy bone on the table as though therapy is some kind of magic cure for anything that ails ya. It's NOT. So big damned deal - she sits in some chair in a therapist's office for an hour a week ... it's not like she's climbing Mt. Everest. It takes almost no effort at all so it's HARDLY her 'working hard' to make things better. Pffft. What a joke.

She's hoping she can manipulate you into forgetting how deeply she disrespected you - and CONTINUES to disrespect you because she's STILL in touch with her boyfriend.

She's just throwing an 11th hour Hail May and trying to rebuild the bridge she was so happy to burn when she thought she had a future with lover boy. Now that he doesn't want her, she'll tell you anything you want to hear because she's OUT of other options.. Sadly, it sounds as though you're already setting yourself up to "reconcile" with this phony in the near future. I put quotes on the word "reconcile" because it won't be real.
 

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Guilt is a very strong emotion and it seems that it’s being played on both sides ; she has guilted you in believing you dropped her and you are using it to stay in this marriage and allowing her to stay in communication with the OM and you thinking you have some control....you have none....you are allowing her to hold all the cards . You are like the drowning man grasping for anything to stay afloat when you don’t realize your still anchored to dead weight that keeps bringing you down...only by letting go of the weight will you survive, only by walking way the game will you gain self respect....
 

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Hello all.
Im a young husband seeking an ear to hear and to listen to any advice.

We have been together 6 years and married 4 years and have two daughters 2yo and 9month old.
Ive neglected my wife emotionaly due to stresses of work and having the children, ive always been abit insecure, introverted and "needy", not so much now but it is a factor in this mess.
My wife has had messed up life of abuse and neglect and upon meeting me i was her source of happiness and comfort. However i did not always live up to her expectations as i was unexperienced (shes my one and only).
As of today this is what shes told me.

Shes not sure she is in love with me.
She doesnt trust me to consistently be there emotionaly for her.
She feels unfufilled and unaccepted.
She has meet a man online who flirts with her and makes her feel good and sexy, this man is also suicidal so she feels the need to help him and thus spends hours on the ph to him giggling and being "jokingly" flirty.
Her ex bf reached out to her as he was going through a breakup, is suicidal and told her he still loves her, she has phoned him a few times.
Her sex drive has shot up as she didnt believe my compliments but believes theirs.

I feel like i cant put my foot down and tell her to break off the ph calls and put boundries on her contacting them as she does not trust me to be any different from the past. What do i do? Try and prove myself different then ask her to stop? Or suddenly become assertive and put my foot down and maybe shel see that as an improvement? Or shel see it as selfish and not understanding of me to want that, as it makes her and the other guys happy.
Re assure her of the man you were when you guys met remind her of the reasons you love her and also of the reason you guys got married I would make her stop 🛑 ASAP tell her it’s not rite for her To be talking to any other man in that way other than her husband everyone makes mistakes let her know that you will not put up with that put your foot down as a man my husband would seriously beat my ass and kick me out you have to put your foot down as a man that is so disrespectful for her to even say those things to you and for her to think it’s OK to talk to other men when married sit down and talk to her and let her know that you have changed and that is in the past And the only way you guys will have a future together is if she stops doing this and gives you a chance to show her the new man you are Let us know what happens I wish you nothing but the best of luck no matter what you did and you do not deserve that keep your head up and stay positive
 

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Discussion Starter #137
Guilt is a very strong emotion and it seems that it’s being played on both sides ; she has guilted you in believing you dropped her and you are using it to stay in this marriage and allowing her to stay in communication with the OM and you thinking you have some control....you have none....you are allowing her to hold all the cards . You are like the drowning man grasping for anything to stay afloat when you don’t realize your still anchored to dead weight that keeps bringing you down...only by letting go of the weight will you survive, only by walking way the game will you gain self respect....
I know. I feel like an absoloute tool for not feeling i can put my foot down as she "doesnt see herself as married" so its like i dont have ground to stand on for giving her a telling off.

The problem i have now is after reading up on the effects of CSA and trauma, almost everything they say is spot on. Everything she says is exactly the same as what other people say who are suffering.

Her even mentioning therapy is massive because shes never ever even said that word before.

I want her to get the help she needs whether that ends up meaning she realises that i am loving and caring or not.
 

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Discussion Starter #138
Re assure her of the man you were when you guys met remind her of the reasons you love her and also of the reason you guys got married I would make her stop 🛑 ASAP tell her it’s not rite for her To be talking to any other man in that way other than her husband everyone makes mistakes let her know that you will not put up with that put your foot down as a man my husband would seriously beat my ass and kick me out you have to put your foot down as a man that is so disrespectful for her to even say those things to you and for her to think it’s OK to talk to other men when married sit down and talk to her and let her know that you have changed and that is in the past And the only way you guys will have a future together is if she stops doing this and gives you a chance to show her the new man you are Let us know what happens I wish you nothing but the best of luck no matter what you did and you do not deserve that keep your head up and stay positive
Thanks.
I guess i realised i wasnt a strong enough leader as a husband too late so when i did start standing up for what is right she had already checked out of the marriage.

Unfortunately her trust issues mean her commiting back to me is something she is reluctant to do. Its all just a mess at the moment. I spend about 9 hours + a week on the ph to my support team and have spend my spare time reading psalms just to stay sane.
 
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