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Discussion Starter #1
Hello all.
Im a young husband seeking an ear to hear and to listen to any advice.

We have been together 6 years and married 4 years and have two daughters 2yo and 9month old.
Ive neglected my wife emotionaly due to stresses of work and having the children, ive always been abit insecure, introverted and "needy", not so much now but it is a factor in this mess.
My wife has had messed up life of abuse and neglect and upon meeting me i was her source of happiness and comfort. However i did not always live up to her expectations as i was unexperienced (shes my one and only).
As of today this is what shes told me.

Shes not sure she is in love with me.
She doesnt trust me to consistently be there emotionaly for her.
She feels unfufilled and unaccepted.
She has meet a man online who flirts with her and makes her feel good and sexy, this man is also suicidal so she feels the need to help him and thus spends hours on the ph to him giggling and being "jokingly" flirty.
Her ex bf reached out to her as he was going through a breakup, is suicidal and told her he still loves her, she has phoned him a few times.
Her sex drive has shot up as she didnt believe my compliments but believes theirs.

I feel like i cant put my foot down and tell her to break off the ph calls and put boundries on her contacting them as she does not trust me to be any different from the past. What do i do? Try and prove myself different then ask her to stop? Or suddenly become assertive and put my foot down and maybe shel see that as an improvement? Or shel see it as selfish and not understanding of me to want that, as it makes her and the other guys happy.
 

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Marriage is 50/50 infidelity is all hers. Do what you must. Repent and ask her what it will take to show you true change of heart, but if you drop the ball. There's no repeats or do overs.
 

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I'm going to throw the horse$hit flag here:

Shes not sure she is in love with me. H$
She doesnt trust me to consistently be there emotionaly for her. H$
She feels unfufilled and unaccepted. H$
She has meet a man online who flirts with her and makes her feel good and sexy
Her ex bf reached out to her as he was going through a breakup, is suicidal H$
Ok, now there you have it, straight from the horse's mouth... (or other horse body part).....
The only one of her statements which is not H$ is online man flirts and makes her feel good and sexy

This has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing at all. Your wife is a concupiscent, lustful, sinful, LYING woman who likes having her sensibilities tittelated.
That's all. That's the ugly truth. Accept it for what it is. Ain't you. HER. She is plainly amoral.

This is my advice to you. TO HELL with how she is going to think about you, how she "can't trust" you, yada, yada, yada.....It ain't you. HER.

Tell her that you have NO DESIRE to be married to anyone like her. She either stops the H$ and starts living up to the promise she made before God and
witnesses to "keep herself only unto" you, and "forsake all others", or you will be GONE.
 

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Discussion Starter #4

  1. Marriage is 50/50 infidelity is all hers. Do what you must. Repent and ask her what it will take to show you true change of heart, but if you drop the ball. There's no repeats or do overs.
    Thanks for reply. I have repented in the past but i know for myself this time is different for me as i can actually see what changes need to be made to me. This is definitely my last chance so im not sure i can ask for her to tell me what SHE needs as "i should know" so its just guess work really
 

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  1. Thanks for reply. I have repented in the past but i know for myself this time is different for me as i can actually see what changes need to be made to me. This is definitely my last chance so im not sure i can ask for her to tell me what SHE needs as "i should know" so its just guess work really
But time changes most things and relationships are a living and breathing entity.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I'm going to throw the horse$hit flag here:



Ok, now there you have it, straight from the horse's mouth... (or other horse body part).....
The only one of her statements which is not H$ is online man flirts and makes her feel good and sexy

This has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing at all. Your wife is a concupiscent, lustful, sinful, LYING woman who likes having her sensibilities tittelated.
That's all. That's the ugly truth. Accept it for what it is. Ain't you. HER. She is plainly amoral.

This is my advice to you. TO HELL with how she is going to think about you, how she "can't trust" you, yada, yada, yada.....It ain't you. HER.

Tell her that you have NO DESIRE to be married to anyone like her. She either stops the H$ and starts living up to the promise she made before God and
witnesses to "keep herself only unto" you, and "forsake all others", or you will be GONE.
Your not wrong there. One minor problem is that because of difficult family circumstances we got married at the office so it doesnt seem as "real" but your right. I cant stand much more of this €rap. She does so much stuff that i would never get away with. Thanks for the kick up the @rse
 

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  1. Thanks for reply. I have repented in the past but i know for myself this time is different for me as i can actually see what changes need to be made to me. This is definitely my last chance so im not sure i can ask for her to tell me what SHE needs as "i should know" so its just guess work really
Then for starters apply who you know to be true, and renforce, it with her in the mix, if you don't involve her your just talking to yourself in the mirror.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Then for starters apply who you know to be true, and renforce, it with her in the mix, if you don't involve her your just talking to yourself in the mirror.
Thanks. Theres a long road ahead
 

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So I dont get some of the responses here. Maybe I am missing something...

Your wife is having, at least an emotional affair, with 2 or is it three guys???? She thinks you are just dead space.

Is her ex BF local? If he is, she is sleeping with atleat him, if not others.

Honestly, don't you see that? And, you are wondering what you should do?

REALLY? You cannot figure that out?

How about this, YOU FILE FOR DIVORCE AND tell he to go live with her BF, or one of the others...
 

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Hello all.
Im a young husband seeking an ear to hear and to listen to any advice.

We have been together 6 years and married 4 years and have two daughters 2yo and 9month old.
Ive neglected my wife emotionaly due to stresses of work and having the children, ive always been abit insecure, introverted and "needy", not so much now but it is a factor in this mess.
My wife has had messed up life of abuse and neglect and upon meeting me i was her source of happiness and comfort. However i did not always live up to her expectations as i was unexperienced (shes my one and only).
As of today this is what shes told me.

Shes not sure she is in love with me.
She doesnt trust me to consistently be there emotionaly for her.
She feels unfufilled and unaccepted.
She has meet a man online who flirts with her and makes her feel good and sexy, this man is also suicidal so she feels the need to help him and thus spends hours on the ph to him giggling and being "jokingly" flirty.
Her ex bf reached out to her as he was going through a breakup, is suicidal and told her he still loves her, she has phoned him a few times.
Her sex drive has shot up as she didnt believe my compliments but believes theirs.

I feel like i cant put my foot down and tell her to break off the ph calls and put boundries on her contacting them as she does not trust me to be any different from the past. What do i do? Try and prove myself different then ask her to stop? Or suddenly become assertive and put my foot down and maybe shel see that as an improvement? Or shel see it as selfish and not understanding of me to want that, as it makes her and the other guys happy.
Sir, you will not accept sharing your W with OM. Flirty phone call non-sense. The xbf who is suicidal, suggest he gets counseling. Your W is not schooled in counseling those that are suicidal. More than likely this OM is only using this suicidal as a ploy to keep you W on the line.

Yeah, boundaries. Get them. Next get yourselves to a marriage counselor.
 

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Yes i can only be the man i need to be and hope she listens to her guilt and steps up
She has conpartmentalize's this don't rely on guilt on her part.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
So I dont get some of the responses here. Maybe I am missing something...

Your wife is having, at least an emotional affair, with 2 or is it three guys???? She thinks you are just dead space.

Is her ex BF local? If he is, she is sleeping with atleat him, if not others.

Honestly, don't you see that? And, you are wondering what you should do?

REALLY? You cannot figure that out?

How about this, YOU FILE FOR DIVORCE AND tell he to go live with her BF, or one of the others...
Ones in a different country and ones in a different city. The ex phoned her at 4am as he needed someone to talk to cus of his desperation at his situation. And i know his situation is real its just that my wife is vunerable at the moment. I know im abit optimistic but she has helped people like this in the past. The other guy she meet on an online game and is suicidal cus his little kid was killed. I hear what your saying tho, thanks alot for that
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Sir, you will not accept sharing your W with OM. Flirty phone call non-sense. The xbf who is suicidal, suggest he gets counseling. Your W is not schooled in counseling those that are suicidal. More than likely this OM is only using this suicidal as a ploy to keep you W on the line.

Yeah, boundaries. Get them. Next get yourselves to a marriage counselor.
Thanks alot. We are in lockdown which doesnt help the counseling situation haha. She has helped suicidal people before as she has been that way herself but i feel at least one of the guys has crossed the line emotionally for sure.
 

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One minor problem is that because of difficult family circumstances we got married at the office so it doesnt seem as "real"
Actually, this is a MAJOR problem. There is no problem with your ceremony being conducted at the office. The problem is that your marriage is REAL to you, and NOT REAL to your wife.

Her marriage would not be any more "real" to her if it was done in the Vatican by the Pope. She likes the thrill of playing around with other men. Plain, and simple. She is promiscuous.

i did not always live up to her expectations as i was unexperienced (shes my one and only).
Her promiscuity began before her marriage, and has continued, likely, throughout her marriage. Let me ask you a rhetorical question.....

Who, in the days before your marriage to her, was "at fault" for her promiscuity ??

Whoever that was.....is the same person who is at fault for her promiscuity now.

its just that my wife is vunerable at the moment. H$
Your wife, whatever "vulnerability" she has now, is the same "vulnerability" she had before her marriage. Her "vulnerability" is a CHOICE. Otherwise, the traditional marriage vows, which have been around for hundreds of years, would not require that she CHOOSE to be "invulnerable" in a solemn oath before God.

i did not always live up to her expectations
These vows also give rise to the acceptation of another person with full knowledge that this other person may not always "live up" to expectations, but promises to keep one's own love, honor, and cherish going in spite of that. It's a CHOICE.

Your wife has CHOSEN to ignore these vows, and she has done so because she lacks the moral fortitude required for successful marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Good points. Thank you. I do feel like the problems are actually quite immature.
 

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I have a funny feeling that your ideas about yourself and your behavior in this marriage may have become extremely distorted by what she wants to be true about you.

Meaning, her BS gaslighting has gotten into your head. Everything you've said about yourself is everything that cheaters tell their spouses all the time as excuses for their cheating. The only difference is that you seem to be believing it all.

Run. Run like the wind. She's confused? Be loving and show her the door so she can figure it out. And when she's gone, you go into therapy to decide what is true about you and what isn't.

I personally was in with multiple therapists and support groups for a year before I let it sink in that 99% of what my ex wife had me believing was true about myself... was actually just manipulative gaslighting from a very disturbed person.
 

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You need blow up her world and take control of the situation.
Tell you that you understand that he is her world and all you want is her happiness.
Have her get in contact with him on line (while you are there) and tell him that she wants to be with him, she is leaving you for him and she is arranging travel to be with him. Do everything you can to facilitate this.
Tell you that you are buying her a new set of "Luggage". Get your trash bags together (Don't be cheap, get the Hefty heavy duty ones) and start bagging up all her stuff. If you can, take her to her folks, a relative, or a friends house. Tell her your attorney will be in touch with her. Then go 180. Be Cold. Cruel. Heartless.
I doubt that you will even need to gather the trash bags before you get her attention . Have a list of demands ready (everything you need is on this site and much is in this thread.)
You need to get her attention and take charge. If she wants to be married to you, she will quickly start to remove her cranium from her anal cavity. If she doesn't, then you know what you have, and you can begin the process of formulating the next steps.
 
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