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Emotional Affair or more....?

14967 Views 63 Replies 28 Participants Last post by  walkonmars, 
S
My wife of 12 years got a new job in a small office. She worked there a few months and many times she would be alone in there just her and her boss.

A few months into the job I notice that she is guarding her phone and texting allot more than usual. I did not think much of it because she texted already with her girl friends and such.

One Friday night I get home at around 10 pm. I had been out with a buddy, I stopped at the grocery store and picked her up a dozen roses to bring home that night. As I am walking in with the roses (a little earlier than she expected) her cell phone starts ringing and she answers it. She was acting kind of strange on the phone saying to the person on the other end that it was the wrong number. She hung up and I asked who it was...she said wrong #. She then put her phone down and I picked it up and noticed that her boss was the one that called at 10pm on Friday! I immediately questioned her and she lied to me about who called and even told me that it may of been him and he still had the wrong number...and did not mean to call her. I immediately sensed BS, grabbed the phone and a verbal and physical tug of war over the phone began. I got her admit she was talking to him outside of work about his marital problems. She said nothing more happened..
Next day I told her to call him in front of me and resign - she did....with great reluctance. (We did not need her job financially)
Over the next week and in dribs and drabs - more info came in from her.......Here is what she admitted.

- they has some mild sex chat including him saying to her that he pictured her on his living-room chair nude at his house with her legs spread
- talked about sex positions with lots of flirting mixed in.
- she even bought some lingerie and lace panties then called him to tell him "she went shopping"
- Multiple hugs at the office and 2 kisses on the cheek...
- they texted many times every day outside of work for the previous 3 weeks...(i confirmed this)
- She claims nothing else happened

All this I pried out of her. She claims she initiated the first hug..and told him "that felt better then she expected" She was the one that kissed him on the cheek. She admitted to me at the time she loved him, she told him so on more than one occasion, he never returned the comment.(according to her)

After promising no contact, 2 weeks later she called him - I catch her via a VAR in her car.
She lied about that contact until I let here hear the evidence! Next day she sent him a no contact letter....
It now been 5 months later...we are doing great and she has changed and seems to want us to work out.....but....

She denies over and over again nothing more happened and says that she was confused back then and has always loved me and realizes now that she did not love him....

I still wonder if it went further than the hugs and 2 kisses on the cheek....She denies to this day 5 months later....thoughts?
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MattMatt
Oh-oh! This is not good. It is possible that you are being given trickle truth.

Hugs and two kisses on the cheek? Well... it's possible, I suppose.
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walkonmars
She had sex with him and plenty of it - of this there is no doubt. None whatsoever.

Like the phone - you won't get the truth without a struggle.

Tell her to leave the home unless she consents to a polygraph. Tell her you can reconcile but won't do it based on lies. Not at all.

She was very callous in engaging with her boyfriend while stringing you along. The boyfriend may not be divorced or seeking one. You can bet they both lied to cover themselves. If they worked for a large company go to HR and ask for their policy on fraternization. You may have a complaint to file.

Do not reconcile unless you feel you have the entire truth. All of it.
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C
Maybe I'm too cynical, but you have to take everything she says with a grain of salt. You have already caught her in a few lies, so you are entitled to wonder if she is being fully truthful now. Be prepared for the worst.

It does sound like your wife is trying, which is a good sign. But from personal experience, the lies an unfaithful spouse will tell are truly amazing. It's almost like they create a new reality for themselves which allows them to deal with their guilt of betrayal.

Do you have any kids?
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I
I find it very difficult to believe her story. The fact that she admitted buying lingerie for him is a very bad sign. Really, she just had hugs and a couple of kisses for a man who is telling her he imagines her in sexually explicit poses? That strains all credulity.

Here's the thing. Cheaters lie. In order to justify what she did, she had to start out by lying to herself, perhaps about how she deserved some happiness, or about how bad the marriage was (not in actuality, but in her mind). This gave her the mental permission to push marital boundaries. Once she started secretly communicating with him and pushing things further and further out, she had to start lying to you.

She might not have been a very good liar at first, but when you didn't pick up on it, she became bolder and better at it. At the point at which you caught it, she was getting to be rather skillful at lying. When caught, what was her very first reaction? That's right, to lie. You caught her out in that lie. So what did she do next? She lied again.

Cheaters never get that the core betrayal in an affair is not the cheating--it's the LYING. They think that by minimizing what happened, they will lessen your anger toward them. Minimizing also assuages their guilt. (They lie to themselves that they are protecting you with their lies.)

I am very sorry, but I doubt very much that you have the full truth.
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walkonmars said:
She had sex with him and plenty of it - of this there is no doubt. None whatsoever.

Like the phone - you won't get the truth without a struggle.

Tell her to leave the home unless she consents to a polygraph. Tell her you can reconcile but won't do it based on lies. Not at all.

She was very callous in engaging with her boyfriend while stringing you along. The boyfriend may not be divorced or seeking one. You can bet they both lied to cover themselves. If they worked for a large company go to HR and ask for their policy on fraternization. You may have a complaint to file.

Do not reconcile unless you feel you have the entire truth. All of it.
Click to expand...
I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective.

She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?
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B
Im sorry but I have to agree with the others. She said she loved him, why stop then with just a hug? There is very likely more to their relationship.
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walkonmars
Scott1973 said:
I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective.

She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?
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Perhaps she is the ONE exception on this board. For reconciliation, as disappointing it is to know she had relations with someone else is - and she did have at the very least, emotional relations - you shouldn't accept lies.

Again she could be the SINGLE exception of the dozens that show up on these boards weekly. I'm not trying to shake you up. But I work in a large company - as long as there's a conference room available for 20 minutes there's opportunities. Just saying that 'the timing was off' is not a deterrent to anything. Heck, pulling the car into the far end of the parking lot has been done plenty of times.

The place and time isn't the issue - it's the lying. You can put this all behind you - she is doing everything else right. But I have doubts you have the truth.

Then again - that is all you may want to know - that she's trying. It may not be totally satisfying. My worry is that in a year it's going to be gnawing at you. Better to get it ALL out now.
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PHTlump
Scott1973 said:
I still wonder if it went further than the hugs and 2 kisses on the cheek....She denies to this day 5 months later....thoughts?
Click to expand...
Here's my thoughts.


Seriously. Your wife is completely inconsistent. She was alone with the guy all day long, thought she was in love with him, but restricted her physical activities to hugs and cheek kisses? You dated your wife once. Was she still chastely hugging you when telling you she loved you? Or was she giving you tug jobs in the back row of the movie theater (or worse)?

Also, was she stockpiling lingerie for their eventual sexual relationship? That would be unusual. Women tend to buy lingerie around the time they are going to be using it, not for some future, undetermined, may never happen date.

Also, you need to keep in mind that trickle truth translator mechanism. A disloyal spouse will tell you only what he/she thinks you already know. If you dig up more on your own, he/she will admit to that in the future. But not before. And they minimize it. Another poster wrote something that I still remember.

If she says they talked, they talked about sex. If she says they went for coffee, they went on a date. If she says they kissed, she blew him. If she says they cuddled, they had sex. If she says they had sex, they went around the world more times than she can remember.

That paragraph is probably a good rule of thumb. Your wife is almost certainly minimizing. The question is, so what? What are you going to do about it? If she had sex with him, will you leave her? You need to decide that before you continue to question her. If you browbeat her into admitting having sex with him, and your response is, "OK then," you'll just look stupid. So figure out what you want in case she's telling you the truth, or in case she's slightly minimizing, or in case she's lying through her teeth.

You could go with a polygraph to get at the truth. They're not extremely accurate, but sometimes a disloyal spouse will admit the truth after a demand to take one. Also, a refusal to take one speaks volumes.

Also, you should never give up your source of information. Yes, she'll deny what you know. But you just stand firm. By handing her the VAR, she now knows that her car isn't safe to talk in. So, if she's so inclined, she'll find a different place to talk. You've made it much harder for yourself to monitor her.

Good luck.
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A
Her story... not kosher.
Countless times alone at the store.
Full of contradictions: Lingerie plus sex talk but kisses in the cheek? Give me a break. Can you picture yourself being a man doing that?
Nothjing new, even after her countinued lies you are a victim of the truth bias. Happens all the time. From wikipedia--->Deception

It was full a blown EA-PA.
It lasted way more than 3 weeks (Not counting the false R).
She put herself as the persuer to protect her married soulmate. She fell hard for him, since she started working there.

Poligraph.
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S
She told me that she pursued him by giving the first hug after a conversation they had about his troubled home life...she felt sorry for him ...Her and I where having a rough time in our relationship at the time as well.

She also told me that they discussed a physical relationship but would not allow it to go there because "too many people would be hurt"

I thought it was interesting that he never kissed her on the cheek back once ( i clearly asked her this) ...
When she said to him that she loved him....he never said it back to her according to her.... He initiated the sex texting apparently though...
She also told me that he joked with her in the office that they should lock the door and pull the blinds (small office/company)
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Machiavelli
There is a possibility she's telling the truth. There is also a possibility that a comet is going to hit the earth in the next 6 months.

Polygraph.
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PHTlump
Scott1973 said:
She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?
Click to expand...
Putting effort in now doesn't equal telling you the truth about her affair. Many disloyal spouses believe, some rightly so, that the truth will end the marriage. You may be willing to forgive your wife sexting and kissing another man. You would be much less willing to forgive your wife doing every kinky act with him that she's been denying you for the last 10 years.

The kicker is, you don't know what's in her heart. That's part of the evil of affairs. Has she ended her affair, or simply gone underground. Does she love you again? Did she ever love you? Does she feels guilty and remorseful, or does she just not want to be a part-time parent to her children while she's forced to get a full-time job with a much less sexy boss.

We can't help you with those questions. Obviously, she's doing the right things. Some disloyal spouses refuse to give up their affairs, or refuse to take responsibility, refuse to quit their jobs, etc. Then, it's easy to spot false reconciliation. But there's no guarantee that a woman who's doing the right things is also feeling and thinking the right things. Sorry.

Good luck.
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alte Dame
I know that you want to believe her story, especially since you have children and things have improved. And you can choose to do that. You can do your best to put it behind you and move forward. You can tell yourself that, even though you still have doubts, you've made a conscious decision to get past it.

If you do that, though, you need to have complete transparency from her. She should know that you don't necessarily believe her story. She needs to stay on probation, so to speak.

(For what it's worth, I don't believe her story at all about the kiss on the cheek & would be extremely surprised if they didn't have sex.)
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walkonmars
alte Dame said:
I know that you want to believe her story, especially since you have children and things have improved. And you can choose to do that. You can do your best to put it behind you and move forward. You can tell yourself that, even though you still have doubts, you've made a conscious decision to get past it.

If you do that, though, you need to have complete transparency from her. She should know that you don't necessarily believe her story. She needs to stay on probation, so to speak.

(For what it's worth, I don't believe her story at all about the kiss on the cheek & would be extremely surprised if they didn't have sex.)
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Yeah, if sex is a deal-breaker for you and you want to keep your family & you are willing to let this go. Then accept her word and let it go. But make her understand that there will never be a second chance.

This is somewhat troubling because down the line you may feel you are entitled to get some payback. Don't go there. Go to MC and be sure she's fully invested.
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C
You have kids, so there is a real incentive for your wife to work on the relationship. But it should be for you too. This is probably one of those cases where you have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I went through a very similar thing, and my wife tried really hard for about 5 - 6 months, then relapsed, then she would try again. It was only after we separated that she admitted to the PA.

If you can, try to get away with her (no kids) for a few days - see if you really connect.

Anyway - good luck!
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BjornFree
Polygraph.

ASk her to take a polygraph and gauge her reaction.
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Scott1973 said:
I don't know if she had lots of sex with him...there may not have been much opportunity...from a timing perspective.

She is trying though now....even combined our facebook page with both of us on it (she closed hers)and has a picture of the 2 of us in her car on the dash....maybe she is telling me the truth?
Click to expand...
As ALL of the others have said: Yes, she had sex with him.

1. She pursued him
2. She said she loved him'
3. She bought sexy lingerie for him
4. She admits to hugging and a kiss on the cheek
5. He told her he fantasized about her sexually
6. For three weeks they exchanged sexually charged messages
7. He initiated many of the sexually charged messages
8. He never said he loved her, but she said it to him
9. They worked together, all alone, in an office all day with very few interruptions.
10. She was still in contact with him two weeks later after lying to you about no contact.

Based on this, it is just about a certainty that they had sex. He was sexually interested in her and she in him. Why would they stop at a hug? They are not in sixth grade. They are adults. Adults who both are sexually interested in each other don't stop at hugs and a peck on the cheek.

Yes, her story is THEORETICALLY possible. But it is not BELIEVABLE. So tell her you DON'T believe it. Ask her if she will take a polygraph.

Let me add in number 11 to the list above.

11. You are still questioning it five months later. Why is that? Because you know her story doesn't add up?

Finally, if the truth won't affect whether or not you will reconcile with her, I think it still is important. It's a terrible secret that will eat away at her as well as you. A big lie like that should not be an ongoing part of your marriage.
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Will_Kane said:
11. You are still questioning it five months later. Why is that? Because you know her story doesn't add up?

.
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Will is right.

Why are you here?

It's because your gut says she's lying. She admitted to kissing because that's a lesser charge. Copping to sex would be a felony, end of story.

She hopes that you'll buy that and be satisfied.

But if you bought that you wouldn't be here, would you?

She doesn't work now? Stays at home? Can you account for her time alone? Or her ex boss?
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U
Lie detector test. It's the only way, otherwise you won't be able to get closure
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