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It started as a friendship. My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 11 years, he moved for her to another state and was looking for friendhsip. He told me right away that he was in a serious relationship and that he was looking for friendship. I liked him and even though I realized we could not date, I understand that I cannot be intimate with everyone I like and I truly treasure frienships... We got along so well that I wanted to be his friend.

As we began to get to know each other we became like magnets. We both cannot belive that we get along so well... We developed a strong emotional bond that we maintain on regular basis by frequent conversations, get togethers, etc.

He wanted me to meet his girlfriend from early on and I did. I was hoping to like her and feel like he will be in good hands, but guess what, i did not like her at all. She was belittling him in front of me all evening and I felt bad... He does not know i do not like her. I have to respect his choice but not happy about it. The last time he, she , I and several other of his friends met, she told him that she did not like the way I look at him, which means she feels threatened by me... If she knew the extend of our freindship the red flags would be all over...

The wedding is in about 1 month, I am invited. But I am so confused about what's going on, and why.... basically she is the only girl he had a real relationship with, they are evry committed to each other. Their committment is very strong, their have common goals and dreams (house, children, etc.), yet their bond is not very close as apprantly there is room for me there. We talk every day. Last week we saw each other: Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday (she was there + freinds), Saturday (+1 freind), Sunday... we are very very close. When something happens he calls me, we are there for each other and it comes so mutualy effortlessly... And when the two of us go out we have people coming up to us telling us what a beautiful couple we make - no idea why that is... I cannot help but think that if he needs a close friend like me so much, then perhaps he is not fully happy with her and then why marry?

We are attracted to each other, but the boundaries are in place and we both honor them, i.e. no acting on attarction.

He wants to be with her, they will get married, but i'm so uneasy about their relationship because something is missing and he does not recognize it and if she knew what was going on she would probably work on their relationship before marrying him to make sure it is as solid as one would want it to be. I cannot belive that I am so attracted to someone who is not single, it is devastating, but I am not ready to let him go because right now i'd rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life at all. At the same time if he feels that our relationship threatens his relationship with his future wife and decides to cut it out then I'll understand and respect his decision.

On one hand I wish he (given the closeness of our relationship) or/she she (if she knew the full extent of it) would re-evaluate their decision to get married prior to doing it. On the other hand it is none of my business and as I freind I need to let him live his life and make choices he feels are right.

I wonder what will happen with us... We are not ready to give up our friendship, I don't see how his girlfriend can ever be comfortable with this freindship unless he hides it from her, what kind of relationship that suggests they will have? I guess we could minimize friendship interactions to please her, and then we will have to see if we may just have longer gaps between very close and happy times together... I have no idea what will happen next...

What do you think about their future marriage given the closeness of our friendship? Is that a big red flag that something is not quite right or is it just me? I also wonder what will happen to our frienship and whether there is ANY WAY such close freinship can live side by side with a happy marriage.

Thank you for listening... sorry it is so long...
 

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Why do you think she does not respect him?

Should you get out of his life, or should you remain to help be there for him when the s*** hits the fan?

Do you think their marriage will last?

Here's a wildcard... with her lack of respect, do you think it's possible she is having an affair or affairs?
 

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Sounds like an EA to me.

At some point whether its today, tomorrow, two years. His GF/Wife will figure it out, and he'll have to choose either you or her.

While he might not be able to stop talking to you, he is making his choice to get married. In my opinion you should let him go, because if you really care for him as a friend all this friendship will do is call him more long term grief with his family.
 

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Listen if the dude isn't married your window of time to go after him is very short. If you want the guy tell him. If he feels the same way he will leave her. You need to make sure that if he is going to be with you that the marriage has to be called off and that she is out.

Do it right or don't do it at all.
If you don't do this now and continue on this path you will have to let him go permanently to avoid ruining their lives and yours. I am all about not breaking up a marriage. If he isn't with the right one and can't let you go then it is an EA. That is ten times worse than not going through with a marriage and giving the guys finance a chance to find someone that isn't hung up on his girl/friend.
Plus if you go for it and he shoots you down then you know where you stand and can move on.
Anything else is just wrong.
 

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You should let him go.

The reason for this is as a married man, his wife should be the one he shares all the good moments, the questions, the arguments, the resolutions, etc... If he is turning to you for those things, you are robbing him and her of an important part of being married.

You don't have to be hard about it. Just decrease your interaction with him until it fades away.
 

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You should let him go.

The reason for this is as a married man, his wife should be the one he shares all the good moments, the questions, the arguments, the resolutions, etc... If he is turning to you for those things, you are robbing him and her of an important part of being married.

You don't have to be hard about it. Just decrease your interaction with him until it fades away.
HE is not married.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
MattMatt, thank you for posting...

Why do you think she does not respect him? - Everything she has to say about him is quite negative: that he cannot cook, that he is good only for cleaning up, that he cannot dance, that he cannot even get ice cubes out - it is so silly yet these are the only things she said to/about him all evening long. He was supposed to cook dinner since I am his friend but soemthing came up and he asked her to cook, so she kept on glorifying herself and putting him down about it and made me really uncomfortable because if she did not want to cook he could have rescheduled. When we went out with freinds her comments about getting married were along the lines of putting him on a leash, that everything he got will now belong to her, etc. Everything i'm writing here may sound ok, but it is also the way it was delivered that did not give me good vibes at all...

Should you get out of his life, or should you remain to help be there for him when the s*** hits the fan? - i have no idea!!!!

Do you think their marriage will last? - no idea, but they have been committed for 11 years, so may be it will, but what will be the quality of that marriage i have no idea...
 

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Listen if the dude isn't married your window of time to go after him is very short. If you want the guy tell him. If he feels the same way he will leave her. You need to make sure that if he is going to be with you that the marriage has to be called off and that she is out.

Do it right or don't do it at all.
If you don't do this now and continue on this path you will have to let him go permanently to avoid ruining their lives and yours. I am all about not breaking up a marriage. If he isn't with the right one and can't let you go then it is an EA. That is ten times worse than not going through with a marriage and giving the guys finance a chance to find someone that isn't hung up on his girl/friend.
Plus if you go for it and he shoots you down then you know where you stand and can move on.
Anything else is just wrong.
Honestly, I think he is delusional... He is trying so ahrd to separate her and me: wife and a freind that he cannot see what's going on or does not want to see, or sees and convinces himself that it is soemthign else. He is not ready to cancel the wedding..
 

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Back off.

The reason she doesn't like you is because she knows you want on her man. It's simple. You would feel exactly the same if you were in her shoes.

Seriously. How would you feel if you were engaged to a guy who had this female friend who kept hanging around him constantly? Be honest.

The better question is: why are you participating at all? If you know he is in a committed relationship, about to be married, why do you keep hanging around? If you had any self-respect, respect for him, for his relationship, you would back way off. Not just that, but you'd be turned off by this entire situation.

Respect yourself more and back way off.

He would also have better boundaries (should).

This situation is not good.

Also, stop calling him you "friend." He's not. You have feelings for him.

Notice you don't have a kind word to say about her. It's because you are jealous. Because she has the guy. And you are the other woman.



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You should let him go.

The reason for this is as a married man, his wife should be the one he shares all the good moments, the questions, the arguments, the resolutions, etc... If he is turning to you for those things, you are robbing him and her of an important part of being married.

You don't have to be hard about it. Just decrease your interaction with him until it fades away.
a) he has been with her for 11 years and soemthing is missing int heir relationship hence i'm in it now...
b) i'm afraid that they are about to make a big mistake by getting married but i feel like there is nothing i can do about it...
c) if soemthign is missing between the two of them, which i think is the case, then even if i'm gone he will be looking for whatever he cannot get from her in other people :( Or *hit will hit the fan and they may work on the relationship, find out what's missing and try to create it...
 

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Honestly, I think he is delusional... He is trying so ahrd to separate her and me: wife and a freind that he cannot see what's going on or does not want to see, or sees and convinces himself that it is soemthign else. He is not ready to cancel the wedding..
Well then talk to be fiance. Tell her look there are something going on here. You need to know about before getting married. Cause if he is going to be a coward and not own up to either one of you. I have a feeling neither of you would want to waste your time on such a coward.
Just make sure this isn't wishful thinking. I mean seriously you have to consider him in all of this. I would get another opinion from outside of your I love this guy tunnel vision.
I mean seriously. If you have been friends for a long time just neither of you could take it to the next level then you both should be smacked upside the head. Now there is a third party and the guy you are closest to is moving on. Which is what happens to friendships. That why friends get married. I married my best friend and she can't go anywhere without me now. We both like that.
However all my childhood, high school, and college friends are all gone to Facebook land.
If this is just some fantasy playing out cause you don't wanna lose your friend then stop it and get some perspective. If you go through with this you could ruin this guys wedding / marriage (which will be the end of your friendship). If he gets married then you need to move on. But the difference here is that you don't have time for subtle hints or small gestures. It is time to play your cards or fold them. Especially before the non refundable stuff gets paid for.
 

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Honestly, I think he is delusional... He is trying so ahrd to separate her and me: wife and a freind that he cannot see what's going on or does not want to see, or sees and convinces himself that it is soemthign else. He is not ready to cancel the wedding..
Because he doesn't want to. The sooner you accept that, the better for you.

Don't put the "delusional" blame all on him either. You are also playing an active part in this. Some may argue that you are "delusional" in that you aren't backing off and keep hoping and praying he breaks it off w/ her to run off into the sunset with you.



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Gotta chime in here and say I agree with Jellybeans! You need to back off of this man. He has made his choice, put a ring on someone else's finger and is about to marry her. Leave them be, and go find your own man. Get out of their business. If this marriage fails, then so be it. It's not for you to decide that "something is lacking" in their relationship. Maybe there's alot more to it.....behind their closed doors. ;)
 

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a) he has been with her for 11 years and soemthing is missing int heir relationship hence i'm in it now...
b) i'm afraid that they are about to make a big mistake by getting married but i feel like there is nothing i can do about it...
c) if soemthign is missing between the two of them, which i think is the case, then even if i'm gone he will be looking for whatever he cannot get from her in other people :( Or *hit will hit the fan and they may work on the relationship, find out what's missing and try to create it...
Do not play the sympathetic "I am afraid" card. Oh I get that you care about him but do not try to play this like you are concerned about him and really afraid of him getting married when what you really want is him to yourself.

Own it.

You know what's "missing" in their relationship? Stolen time. Time you are stealing and he is being a doofus over by letting it happen.

Why you would even consider going to their wedding is beyond me.

Again, I ask, how would you feel if you were her?



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Back off.

The reason she doesn't like you is because she knows you want on her man. It's simple. You would feel exactly the same if you were in her shoes.

The better question is: wy are you participating at all? If you know he is in a committed relationship, why do you keep hanging around? If you had any self-respect, respect for him, for his relationship, you would back way off.

He would also have better boundaries. (should).

This situation is not good.
:iagree:

Why are you participating in such a dysfunctional situation? Perhaps you are projecting your judgments onto him concerning their relationship simply because you want him. :scratchhead:


Also, he's been with her for 11 years. If he didn't love her or if he found her that easy to let go of, he would have already done it. Do you see yourself as his saviour from his terrible GF/future wife? If you read about the personality profiles of the OW, they often see themselves as the saviour of the poor hard done by married man. You can't fix him but you need to ask yourself why you'd settle for being second best to an engaged man.

And if he's so emotionally immature that he can't decide between you and the woman he's been with for 11 years and IF he's having an EA shortly before he makes a huge life changing decision such as marriage, then why do you want to be with such a flake?

Either way, this situation has disaster written all over it.

If you truly love him, back off and let him get his life together and maybe, just maybe down the road you can be together. But if he's doing this to a woman he's been with for 11 years, then don't be surprised if you catch him having an EA in your relationship 10 years from now...
 

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Back off.

The reason she doesn't like you is because she knows you want on her man. It's simple. You would feel exactly the same if you were in her shoes.

The better question is: wy are you participating at all? If you know he is in a committed relationship, why do you keep hanging around? If you had any self-respect, respect for him, for his relationship, you would back way off.

He would also have better boundaries. (should).

This situation is not good.
I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.

I enjoy his company so much that as of right now I want to be a friend who respects the boundaries (i.e. no acting on attraction) rather than not have him in my life at all.

I don't rememebr meeting someone with whom i got along so well and who was such a devoted and caring friend. I am just not ready to cut him off, especially if he does not want me to.. But i do plan to talk to him about it... as i do not know where this can really go... he is talkign about us being freinds for life, once i have a family our families can be friends, etc...

if i were her I would put me out already and have a serious conversation with him about our relationship...
 

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Also, stop calling him you "friend." He's not. You have feelings for him.

Notice you don't have a kind word to say about her. It's because you are jealous. Because she has the guy. And you are the other woman.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I noticed that too. Yet this guy has been with her for 11 years. She must have some redeeming qualities. But for course, we won't see that here. From what's been described, the fiancee is nothing but a total b. But that's from her perspective because she's jealous and in an emotional affair with him.
 

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I think he is making a mistake by marrying her.

I enjoy his company so much that as of right now I want to be a friend who respects the boundaries (i.e. no acting on attraction) rather than not have him in my life at all.

I don't rememebr meeting someone with whom i got along so well and who was such a devoted and caring friend. I am just not ready to cut him off, especially if he does not want me to.. But i do plan to talk to him about it... as i do not know where this can really go... he is talkign about us being freinds for life, once i have a family our families can be friends, etc...

if i were her I would put me out already and have a serious conversation with him about our relationship...
So are you married or in a committed relationship? You seem to have left that part out and focused on your "friend". Because if you are, how would your partner feel about your close friendship with this guy?
 
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