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I've been married for 15 years, kids the whole bang shoot, but I have a problem...or at least I think I do.

I'm too scared to voice my opinion, or ask to do something trivial like "Can I go fetch our son and take him to his GF" or, "The boys wanted to invite friends over for a sleep-over" or "Can I go on a trip with my mom?"

So this happened this morning... and it's happened for years, just lately I've started to really get fed up to a point where I'm about to put on running shoes and run so far away, the FBI won't find me.

It all started with my eldest son asking me if I can pick him up after work, then take him through to watch his GF play a hockey match. I told him I'll have to ask dad first, in case he has plans. So I toil for 10 min, building up the courage to ask him or mention that our son asked the favor (our son is 20, he works and he's seeing a lovely girl).

Anyway... so finally I ask... and this is how the conversation went down yet again...

My Part:

*Joe asked if I can fetch him tonight, but he wants to swing past the sports club to just watch a bit of*Suzy's* hokey match. I told him I'm first going home to see to supper then I will fetch him. She's not coming over though, she has to study, so *Joe will come home this weekend.

His Response:

OK well I will not go on and start a fight and I will not put you off doing what you want to do but I am only going to say this much and I will never talk about this again.... You guys must do as you please and **** on. Said enough I need to work.

Naturally, I expected this reaction... because this is how he reacts every time I ask him if I can take my mom somewhere, or take my son somewhere or just when I feel like a trip to the mall on my own...

So the convo continues...

I say:
It's fine I told him to find his own way there.

He says:


lol OK whatever
I do not want to discuss this you guys must do as you please and he is our son so you can't just leave him on his own
You can go fetch him and cart him around I DON NOT want to talk about it you must do as you need to
Listen I do not want to fight with you I am NOT going to come home on a Friday again with issues in the air. You can go and fetch *Joe and take him to the game etc. But if there is going to be vibes then I will rather not come home after work


Now... did I miss something? Who started the vibes? Why does he have to be so horribly controlling and so utterly dumb?? I can honestly not stand it anymore...but this is not where it stops. So I tell him I'm not upset, I'm just disappointed that he had to react that way. I then said the wrong thing... obviously and told him "The sad thing is that I had to take 10 min to conjure up the courage to talk to you in the first place, and that didn't work."

Of course, now he's the victim here... and he says:
Like I said I do not want to chat about this and the fact that you feel so scared has now led me to believe that I am not good for us at all."

See me go all whiplash there??? I don't know but every time he turns things around to him being poor sorry sad sack Phil who is not good enough. I feel utterly trapped because now, I'm obligated to make him feel "needed" and "Wanted" and convince him that he's not the problem... but in truth... he's THE problem, and I just want to disappear. :crying:
 

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scriptwriter said:
Now... did I miss something?
Yep.

scriptwriter said:
our son asked the favor (our son is 20....)
Husband: " I will not put you off doing what you want to do but I am only going to say this much and I will never talk about this again.... You guys must do as you please and **** on. Said enough I need to work."
Your husband is right. You don't need to call and ask his permission. Just do what you want if you have not previously agreed to do something with him at that time. Then, it would be appropriate to ask him if you want to change the plan. Otherwise, don't even give it a second thought.

Your son is a grown man. It's fine to do him favors if that is what you want to do - but you should no longer be under any kind of obligation to be a taxi service for him. Let him get a job, and buy a car or a bicycle. It's time for him to be a man.

And, your husband has to own his own feelings. It is not your problem to make him feel anything. He feels what he feels.... it is your responsibility to treat him with respect (whether he deserves respect or not) and to perform your wifely duties as he and you have discussed is workable for your family. That's all.... you cannot change another person's feelings.

Somewhere along the line, have you gotten the idea that it is some kind of personal failure if you don't make people happy?

Your husband also needs to understand that if you are afraid of his reaction, he, because you are his precious wife, needs to modify what he says and how he reacts to help you.
 

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How old are you and your husband?

Why are you calling him asking his permission to do anything? If you want to do some, just send him a text to let him know if it impacts him.

You are a large part of the problem here in the way you approach him. And he's the other part because he seem rather passive aggressive.

I can see why you want to run away from this relationship.

Just stop doing this nonsense. Then he won't get the opportunity to be an arse.
 

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Honestly, I don't really blame him for not wanting to have these kinds of conversations. Why ask his permission at all?

And ironically, his prediction came true: the conversation DID lead to an argument of sorts, with you ultimately getting mad and frustrated.

He told you to pick up *Joe if that's what you wanted to do, but for some reason you kept pushing him.

I would advise counseling for yourself to find out why you engage in this predictable pattern. You are provoking him; you are the one behaving in a passive-aggressive manner -- you're "poking the bear" with the same worn out request for permission when he has as much as told you he doesn't mind if you do so.
 

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These conversations dont even make sense. (Why would your husband blurt out an email address??)

Why in the hell do you ask your husband's permission to do anything? Sounds like YOU are your own biggest problem, you have given up complete control of your life, WHY have you done that? If he is angry and controlling, you need to get out.
 

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Why do you need his permission?

"I am going to pick up son and bring him to his GF's game. Bye" Then go.

Your unnecessary subservient behavior is helping to perpetuate the issue. The rest of it is, he seems to be an angry arse. It's not for you to understand, and you certainly don't have to tolerate it.
 
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I'm sure there is more to the story that we are not getting however just from what you posted I get the impression that your husband is tired of you asking his permission for things that you do not need to ask permission for. I also read through the lines that he feels like he's second fiddle to your son? Perhaps that is why he is saying in a passive way "if you'd rather spend your night carting your grown son around then why would I come home from work?".

Definitely sounds like you could both use some counselling in order to learn how to communicate more effectively. You could learn to take ownership for your decisions and not ask him for permission when you really are not asking for it, but rather telling him what you're doing, and perhaps it'd be useful to learn how to communicate better so that you can keep a relationship going if that is what you both want and need?
 

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I've been married for 15 years, kids the whole bang shoot, but I have a problem...or at least I think I do.

I'm too scared to voice my opinion, or ask to do something trivial like "Can I go fetch our son and take him to his GF" or, "The boys wanted to invite friends over for a sleep-over" or "Can I go on a trip with my mom?"

So this happened this morning... and it's happened for years, just lately I've started to really get fed up to a point where I'm about to put on running shoes and run so far away, the FBI won't find me.

It all started with my eldest son asking me if I can pick him up after work, then take him through to watch his GF play a hockey match. I told him I'll have to ask dad first, in case he has plans. So I toil for 10 min, building up the courage to ask him or mention that our son asked the favor (our son is 20, he works and he's seeing a lovely girl).

Anyway... so finally I ask... and this is how the conversation went down yet again...

My Part:

*Joe asked if I can fetch him tonight, but he wants to swing past the sports club to just watch a bit of*Suzy's* hokey match. I told him I'm first going home to see to supper then I will fetch him. She's not coming over though, she has to study, so *Joe will come home this weekend.

His Response:

OK well I will not go on and start a fight and I will not put you off doing what you want to do but I am only going to say this much and I will never talk about this again.... You guys must do as you please and **** on. Said enough I need to work.

Naturally, I expected this reaction... because this is how he reacts every time I ask him if I can take my mom somewhere, or take my son somewhere or just when I feel like a trip to the mall on my own...

So the convo continues...

I say:
It's fine I told him to find his own way there.

He says:


lol OK whatever
I do not want to discuss this you guys must do as you please and he is our son so you can't just leave him on his own
You can go fetch him and cart him around I DON NOT want to talk about it you must do as you need to
Listen I do not want to fight with you I am NOT going to come home on a Friday again with issues in the air. You can go and fetch *Joe and take him to the game etc. But if there is going to be vibes then I will rather not come home after work


Now... did I miss something? Who started the vibes? Why does he have to be so horribly controlling and so utterly dumb?? I can honestly not stand it anymore...but this is not where it stops. So I tell him I'm not upset, I'm just disappointed that he had to react that way. I then said the wrong thing... obviously and told him "The sad thing is that I had to take 10 min to conjure up the courage to talk to you in the first place, and that didn't work."

Of course, now he's the victim here... and he says:
Like I said I do not want to chat about this and the fact that you feel so scared has now led me to believe that I am not good for us at all."

See me go all whiplash there??? I don't know but every time he turns things around to him being poor sorry sad sack Phil who is not good enough. I feel utterly trapped because now, I'm obligated to make him feel "needed" and "Wanted" and convince him that he's not the problem... but in truth... he's THE problem, and I just want to disappear. :crying:

He is abusive and you are being a doormat. Why do you ask for his approval? Just announce you are going to do A. B, C etc and proceed accordingly. You need IC if you need to seek approval and are scared to stand up for yourself. If he has a problem with you stating what you are doing, tell him. Just say 'sweetie, I am not seeking your approval and just informing you as a matter of information.' I think you have given away your control in the relationship, you have to start taking it back.
 

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Do you only have one car? Is that why this is an issue?

How I would handle it:

Me: Hey, I wanted to let you know that after dinner tonight I'm going to take the car and go pick up Joe, then we're going to go watch Suzy play hockey for a while. Joe's going to come home this weekend, so we should be home around __ o'lock or so, depending on how long we stay to watch hockey.

Him: Okay.

Me: You are welcome to join us if you want to.

Him: No.

Me: Okay.

/scene
 
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