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hi.
I understand there will be some negative stigma about me already here. but i thought its about due time that i joined this forum.
please be gentle on me!
I am hoping that coming here will help me and my wife and our future relationship.
i also think it will be benefitial to my mental problems, and possibly help me both understand and deal with my emotions, I have never been all that in tune with my thoughts and emotions and i have a shady past, possibly i will write about it here.
I am hoping to get some good advice here but be warned, im dyslexic (why is that word so difficult to spell?) so i do struggle with concentration a bit.
 

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Can one of you give the three sentence summary? I am way behind on my TAM and don't know emmi's story.

Mr Emmi, is your health ok now?
 

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We were this "innocent", cute, young couple who never argued and made things happen.

Then he had his health problems, lost the job of his dream, existential crisis, building up resentment, failed to communicate, pushed me away, got depressed, went on antidepressants, lost all emotions including his love for me, went on a road trip on his own, spent two nights with a girl with the same health issue as him self, cheated physically but with no actual sex and no feelings for her either, came home and wanted a divorce told me everything and was really mean and hurtful for a couple of months.
@Emmi - RUN, he's lying about not banging her

@MrEmmi - Get tested for STDs and stop lying
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Can one of you give the three sentence summary? I am way behind on my TAM and don't know emmi's story.

Mr Emmi, is your health ok now?
essentially I had an existential crisis after struggling with bad physical health and emotional health (locking emotions up) and sort of pulled out of the marriage in my mind.
luckily my wife saw that it wasnt the real me and helped me through it.
my health will never be better per se, i can improve things slightly, but its a genetic condition that is degenerative and messes all my joints and organs up.... phisio can help with the joint problems though.
 

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How do you cheat physically but no sex?
He's got her convinced he's a 15 year old high school kid who can only get to second base apparently.

Adults have sex Emmi. It's what grown ups do. Fess up OP and maybe you can actually build towards a real reconciliation.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
How do you cheat physically but no sex? Sounds like something Nataly would say.
errrm hard to explain, but there was kissing and sexuals stuff but not sexual stuff, ie; no bits went in other bits.
if there was any risk of STD i would have taken a test by now. no secrets between us anymore, plus i have like loads of blood test because of my health!
 

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@MrEmmi

Hi welcome to TAM. I'm going to warn you now, many of the posters here on this site are Loyal Spouses, and thus I'd recommend that you brace yourself for a bit of backlash. Being betrayed tends to deeply hurt, and the replies can sometimes come from THEIR place of pain, not necessarily yours. Okay? So be ready for it because I pretty much guarantee you'll get a 2x4 or two.

HOWEVER, the good news is that you'll also likely get the truth! Just because hearing it is hurtful to you doesn't necessarily mean it isn't true!! So before you let a post get under your skin and before you get all defensive, I have a suggestion for ya: pause - take a DEEP breath - and then ask yourself "Could this be true? Could it apply to me?"

Now just so you know, I am both a loyal spouse and a disloyal spouse. My exH cheated on me with pretty much every woman he saw and I loved being married so I just didn't want to see it...and when I faced reality he had no desire to stop so we divorced. I cheated on my current hubby online-sort of like you--I was chatting and messaging with another person and it got inappropriate.

I am not sure 100% of your current status with @Emmi, but let me just say this one thing: I get it. You are in constant pain and you're not "old" so it s*cks to be so sick and even though @Emmi loves you, she doesn't "understand" because she's not sick! I also know that sometimes hearing life-altering news can kind of send you spinning and you didn't cope with it very well--and you made the wrong choice and turned to someone else. I'm not saying it's not understandable. But I am saying it is NOT something @Emmi did or didn't do. It has 100% to do with YOU and learning how to cope with how you feel in a better way. You tried to sort of cover the pain of hearing about your disease with the good feeling of someone flirting with you. Okay you're a human being. But you know and I know and everyone here knows that choice--your choice--was not the right way to handle it!

So I EXTREMELY STRONGLY SUGGEST that if you have not already done so, you need to end all contact with the other woman right now. This afternoon! Now. Hey I know it will feel empty-ish for you at first, but YOU made a commitment and promise to Emmi and now is the time to admit that what you did was wrong, it was infidelity, and it was 100% on you not her...and then get busy honoring your commitment and showing her that you CAN be honest, share your deep inner self with her, and face the truth.

I secondarily strongly suggest that you continue your IC--see if you can do it weekly and see if you can get like homework to do each week. Then every single day, actually put into action the new stuff you're learning. It will feel awkward at first, and that's okay. You're ending an old, BAD habit and beginning something new, and new stuff always feels unnatural at first.

Soooo...do you have any questions?
 

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@MrEmmi

Hi welcome to TAM. I'm going to warn you now, many of the posters here on this site are Loyal Spouses, and thus I'd recommend that you brace yourself for a bit of backlash. Being betrayed tends to deeply hurt, and the replies can sometimes come from THEIR place of pain, not necessarily yours. Okay? So be ready for it because I pretty much guarantee you'll get a 2x4 or two.

HOWEVER, the good news is that you'll also likely get the truth! Just because hearing it is hurtful to you doesn't necessarily mean it isn't true!! So before you let a post get under your skin and before you get all defensive, I have a suggestion for ya: pause - take a DEEP breath - and then ask yourself "Could this be true? Could it apply to me?"

Now just so you know, I am both a loyal spouse and a disloyal spouse. My exH cheated on me with pretty much every woman he saw and I loved being married so I just didn't want to see it...and when I faced reality he had no desire to stop so we divorced. I cheated on my current hubby online-sort of like you--I was chatting and messaging with another person and it got inappropriate.

I am not sure 100% of your current status with @Emmi, but let me just say this one thing: I get it. You are in constant pain and you're not "old" so it s*cks to be so sick and even though @Emmi loves you, she doesn't "understand" because she's not sick! I also know that sometimes hearing life-altering news can kind of send you spinning and you didn't cope with it very well--and you made the wrong choice and turned to someone else. I'm not saying it's not understandable. But I am saying it is NOT something @Emmi did or didn't do. It has 100% to do with YOU and learning how to cope with how you feel in a better way. You tried to sort of cover the pain of hearing about your disease with the good feeling of someone flirting with you. Okay you're a human being. But you know and I know and everyone here knows that choice--your choice--was not the right way to handle it!

So I EXTREMELY STRONGLY SUGGEST that if you have not already done so, you need to end all contact with the other woman right now. This afternoon! Now. Hey I know it will feel empty-ish for you at first, but YOU made a commitment and promise to Emmi and now is the time to admit that what you did was wrong, it was infidelity, and it was 100% on you not her...and then get busy honoring your commitment and showing her that you CAN be honest, share your deep inner self with her, and face the truth.

I secondarily strongly suggest that you continue your IC--see if you can do it weekly and see if you can get like homework to do each week. Then every single day, actually put into action the new stuff you're learning. It will feel awkward at first, and that's okay. You're ending an old, BAD habit and beginning something new, and new stuff always feels unnatural at first.

Soooo...do you have any questions?
thanks for the welcome.
I tend not to let peoples words and opinions affect me, they are either right or wrong you know?.
i cut contact with the other woman ages ago, in all fairness i cant even remember how long ago it was.
and we already discussed me increasing my time with my shrink, i think its something i need very much.
I have high hopes for this forum, im just hoping after a while people will stop cutting me down and judging me based on a few bad choces i made when i was in a dark state of mind....
 

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errrm hard to explain, but there was kissing and sexuals stuff but not sexual stuff, ie; no bits went in other bits.
if there was any risk of STD i would have taken a test by now. no secrets between us anymore, plus i have like loads of blood test because of my health!
What a giant load of horse ****. It's hard to explain, or it would be hard for you if you explain?
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@zookeeper,

I'm not even @MrEmmi and I can explain it. You are talking about two people who are ill and both in constant pain. Thus, heavy petting may have occurred--shoot they may have even attempted PIV--but at times doing certain things, certain positions, etc. is just too painful so you go an alternate route.

Speaking ONLY FOR MYSELF, my own Dear Hubby and I rarely have PIV because there are limitations to his breathing and endurance that make it something we'd like to do but are physically unable to accomplish.

When you take that into consideration, I don't think @MrEmmi is necessarily minimizing. He has said right out that there was sexual stuff occurring but there was not penetration. And to my mind, what difference does it make? They WANTED TO--may have even tried to--but due to restrictions, were unable to!
The point that's important is that both had reached the place in their minds that they DESIRED IT, and we don't need to know every sniggly detail--we need to know it was PHYSICAL infidelity and there was lust.

We know that.
 
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