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Please give advice, I'm embarassed and confused and crying a lot. We've been married for 15 yrs, & have 3 kids. I'm 39, He's 48. Through the years I've tried to let the good times overshadow the bad, but when it gets bad, it's hard for me to get past it easily. Bad meaning: He has anger and control /jealousy isssues and I react by emotionally retreating into myself. He thinks I am an "emotional robot 85% of the time". There's other minor issues as well that have built up in the pressure cooker along the years so...
We started MC a month ago as a result of my giving the ultimatum of "we get MC or we're done, 'cause life's too short and I'm almost 40" and he finally agreed to it. First session went well, our communication went more smoothly, less yelling. Second week, we worked on getting the kids to help me out more. Great stuff. Third week- I'm starting to implode, I am an emotional wreck: questioning everything about myself, my life, and our marriage from early dating days to the present. I expressed this at our MC session and was told not to overanalyze, just live in the now. Easier said than done.
Now I have crazy stuff running through my head, most of my waking hours like: Do I want to be in this marriage? Do I love him? I've been unhappy for so long, can I ever be happy or is this it?
The truly worst part: I'm crushing on the MC! I know that it is absolutely NOT reciprocated -I know it's irrational and it's because he's attractive, smells good and talks only about me, us & our problems and we see him a mere 1 hour a week. I cannot tell Hubby because of jealousy, he will be awful about it. He really likes this MC, so switching MCs will be difficult.
Is this normal? Do I need IC from someone else?
 

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Yes, what you are going through is normal!!

The crushing on your MC part is something called "transference" and it is actually something counselors are taught to expect and handle. Your MC is not going to reciprocate. It's ok to have those feelings. You'll find that sometimes you'll absolutely hate the MC, too. That's also normal.

Your thoughts that question your marriage are also normal, but they're not likely to be helpful. You've made a commitment to your marriage many years ago, and you acknowledged that vow when you issued the ultimatum that you would break the commitment if no MC was done. You've only had a few weeks. Commit to another two months and see how you feel then. When those thoughts come up, acknowledge them, but don't give them power over what you do right now. Recognize that they may be temporary and give yourself permission to take enough time to find out if they are. As your counselor advised, remind yourself that those thoughts are bringing the past into today instead of focusing on what is here, now.

As far as whether you need IC or not, I'm not seeing that in your post, and your MC would be able to give you the best idea of how IC might or might not help you. Because you've dealt with anger issues for a long time and you've been withdrawing, you might benefit. You might also benefit from a codependency group like CoDA, which is free and available nearly everywhere.
 

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Thank you! I went to the CoDa website and was amazed after reading the list of signs. Now I've confirmed that I really need help and will seek IC. I will continue MC until we have addressed our goals. Then I will know for my kids' sake I did everything possible to save our marriage and restore my happiness. I know my hubby is not happy either, so IC may be good for him, if he will go.
 
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