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Discussion Starter #1
So I know my H cheated at a works conference February 2011.

The OW knows I know.....I have emailed her and she has been very evasive and obviously calculated in what she has told me.

She did say she has told her H as she doesn't want the threat of me hanging over her. Not sure i believe her.

I think I have her H email address....

Would you appreciate an email from a stranger saying your spouse had a ONS with my spouse?

Obviously there is a part of me that wants OW to suffer as she has shown very little to nil remorse, she has made light of their ONS and I want to know she is facing consequences.

Maybe she already told her H. But if she did, i can bet my life it was dumbed down to just kissing.

I think her H has a right to know.....but is it my place to tell him?

Will he thank me for imparting this information about his W?

Is it up to OW to tell her H and I leave things well alone?

Will this blow up in my face?
 

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Of course you should email him. And, ask him to call you so you know she isn't intercepting his emails. He sdeserves to know what he married and you are the only one who can tell him.

Sorry for your situation
 

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So I know my H cheated at a works conference February 2011.

The OW knows I know.....I have emailed her and she has been very evasive and obviously calculated in what she has told me.

She did say she has told her H as she doesn't want the threat of me hanging over her. Not sure i believe her.

I think I have her H email address....

Would you appreciate an email from a stranger saying your spouse had a ONS with my spouse?

Obviously there is a part of me that wants OW to suffer as she has shown very little to nil remorse, she has made light of their ONS and I want to know she is facing consequences.

Maybe she already told her H. But if she did, i can bet my life it was dumbed down to just kissing.

I think her H has a right to know.....but is it my place to tell him?

Will he thank me for imparting this information about his W?

Is it up to OW to tell her H and I leave things well alone?

Will this blow up in my face?
If it were me, I would have no second thoughts what so ever about exposure, you are right her husband has the right to know what he is married to. I'll bet she thought she was in an open marriage but forgot to tell her husband, BTDT. This CW needs to be exposed for what she is, and, yes you know she "dumbed down to just kissing".
 

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Of course you should email him. And, ask him to call you so you know she isn't intercepting his emails. He sdeserves to know what he married and you are the only one who can tell him.

Sorry for your situation
I think most people would want to know if they were being cheated on and lied to. Keep in mind that his wife may have warned him about the crazy lady, so try to be calm during the call, getting emotional will only lend credence to your supposed "craziness." Offer him what proof you have and give details to support your claim.

Is your husband supposedly "no contact"? If you don't tell your husband you are doing this, it's a good opportunity to see if "no contact" really is occurring because the other woman will be likely to try to contact your husband after you speak to her husband.

At worst, the other woman's husband tells you to get lost.
 

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Email him and ask him to call you, as another person suggested. Stay calm on the phone. It is the compassionate thing to do, IMO--I told the spouse of my H's OW and he was very grateful.
 

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This should be a wake up call to all those who consider or who have considered ONS while away on business. Seems like a good idea at the time, but unless you kill your AP straight after the deed is done, there is ALWAYS a chance you can get caught when THEY get caught.

OP - tell the douche's husband; she deserves it.
 

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I would email him and ask him to call, as mentioned above. He has the right to know.

Do you really think the OW is going to tell him if she can get away with not telling him, doubt it! She just told you that to throw you off. If he knows then great, if he doesnt...he will now! :)
 

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I'm struggling with this same question while currently trying to reconcile. My H had an short but intense EA/PA affair and the OW is married. My husband had told me that she had no intention of telling her husband when they broke things off and my H said he was telling me. When I said her H had a right to know my H begged me not to tell because he doesn't want her going through anymore pain than she already is because of their breakup. Really? I don't care about her feelings. I do care about the pain it would inflick on her husband though. Also another problem is that my husband is active duty military, so if the OW's husband gets vengeful and calls his command my H will lose his career.
 

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Absolutely must contact him
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I'm struggling with this same question while currently trying to reconcile. My H had an short but intense EA/PA affair and the OW is married. My husband had told me that she had no intention of telling her husband when they broke things off and my H said he was telling me. When I said her H had a right to know my H begged me not to tell because he doesn't want her going through anymore pain than she already is because of their breakup. Really? I don't care about her feelings. I do care about the pain it would inflick on her husband though. Also another problem is that my husband is active duty military, so if the OW's husband gets vengeful and calls his command my H will lose his career.
I can understand your dilemma, the ramifications of disclosing what we know could be massive.

Another problem is, if I was sent an email about my Spouse out of the blue I'd be right round at their door, screaming and shouting and gunning for blood......and I don't want them at my door. I don't want my two youngest knowing anything that has gone on. Obviously her H knows where my H works, his wife use to work there too......and it isn't difficult to find a home address online. So, even though I feel he should be told, I don't want the fall out.

My H is behind what ever decision I make, and ready for the fall out it would seem. I just don't want innocents getting caught up in this mess.

I'm going to think on this a bit longer.

Would you BS actually want to find out this way? As much as we needed to know the truth, I can't even begin to imagine being sat in work and opening such an email....:scratchhead:
 

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i found out from the ow's husband. blew the affair out of the water and it ended.
im grateful to have the knowledge so i could chose my own path.
none of us deserve to be duped and to live a life that isnt real, it gave us a chance to finally get it all out and work together to fix the problems we had.
we deserve to chose what happens to us, if you didnt know how would you feel if it just all was swept under the rugnim sure he feels something was wrong with his marriage, dont let him be in the dark or blame himself.
there is less chance of the affair repeating itself, it will be good for your wife to see you taking controlnand stopping any and all chances or it happening again.
keeping a close watch from both ends is more security for your marriage.
call today.
 

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I'm struggling with this same question while currently trying to reconcile. My H had an short but intense EA/PA affair and the OW is married. My husband had told me that she had no intention of telling her husband when they broke things off and my H said he was telling me. When I said her H had a right to know my H begged me not to tell because he doesn't want her going through anymore pain than she already is because of their breakup. Really? I don't care about her feelings. I do care about the pain it would inflick on her husband though. Also another problem is that my husband is active duty military, so if the OW's husband gets vengeful and calls his command my H will lose his career.
This is your husband choosing the OW feelings over you and your marriage. He wants to protect her. Of course he wants to make sure she doesn't get mad at him , that way there is always hope for the future.
 

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Yes, tell him, he has a right to know.

His marriage is in trouble, and he is competing for his own wife and dosnt know it.

What if his cheating wife brings home an STD?
 

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I'm struggling with this same question while currently trying to reconcile. My H had an short but intense EA/PA affair and the OW is married. My husband had told me that she had no intention of telling her husband when they broke things off and my H said he was telling me. When I said her H had a right to know my H begged me not to tell because he doesn't want her going through anymore pain than she already is because of their breakup. Really? I don't care about her feelings. I do care about the pain it would inflick on her husband though. Also another problem is that my husband is active duty military, so if the OW's husband gets vengeful and calls his command my H will lose his career.
You know what, your husband is full of ****. Tell the MOW husband. The pain of a broken affair, tell him to suffer the pain of you screwing another man, then ask if he would want to know.

Also, even if the MOW says her husband knows. They are 98% likely to have not told them or glossed the situation over. I know my WH's MOW claimed she told him within the first month. Two months later I finally found a way to get ahold of him and blew her world wide open.
 

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I've been on both sides of disclosure.

Speaking from both sides...yes, you should disclose to OWH. You should be prepared to offer details that are beyond disputing. You should be prepared to keep your cool. And, you should be prepared for him to ignore your disclosure. He may already know and made his peace with the information, or she may successfully defuse the situation.
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