My husband and I have been together for nearly 4 years. Our sex life during the first year was fantastic (of course), and the next year things gradually simmered down. This is normal, you can't maintain that "new love" heightened sex drive forever. I get that. Neither of us has changed much in the last four years, so whatever attracted him to me in the first place hasn't really changed. By that I mean I haven't gained weight, I still take just as much care with my appearance, etc.
My husband presents as a very sexual person. He is an avid porn fan and views porn or "art nudes" every day. He reads erotica. He is a photographer who shoots glamour/nudes. I believe that he masturbates to porn daily or at least several times per week.
Our sex life has shriveled over the last 2 years to be dry, mechanical and pretty much barely there. My husband (40) has what I suspect is erectile dysfunction. When we are intimate, he has trouble achieving and maintaining an erection. I feel very much like sex is a chore that isn't much fun for him, and as a result it's not much fun for me either. I haven't had an orgasm in over a year (that wasn't self-induced), and he pretty much skips over any sort of foreplay of kissing, stroking, etc., that is important for me. As a result I feel pressured to "get there" quickly and end up faking it to keep everyone's frustration to a minimum.
I suspect that his erection problems have a lot to do with his porn/masturbation habit. I've broached the subject with him a few times and his response is that he doesn't have a problem, that sometimes he just needs to get off quickly and that it doesn't diminish his desire for me. He also says that it doesn't happen as often as I think, but it's pretty obvious to me that it happens a lot more frequently than he admits.
When we are being sexual he doesn't get completely hard, and if he does it's very late in the game. Kissing/normal foreplay doesn't arouse him at all, and it's a lot of work to get him there. Even oral sex takes a long time to get him hard. The only time it isn't that way is during "morning erections" where he will wake up with a pretty major erection which makes me believe that the problem isn't physiological. I have never asked, but I expect he has no problems with erections when he's looking at porn.
Since my attempts to talk about it haven't gotten us anywhere I wonder where to go next. He says there is no problem, so if I'm the only one perceiving a problem I'm not even sure there's a solution except for me to change my expectations. I'm at the point that I don't even want to have sex ever, and I try to avoid it as much as possible both because it's uncomfortable and not fun for me but to save him the embarrassment of erection problems. I don't know that I can live like this forever, though, and my fear is that I will end up living a sexless life -- something I really DON'T want.
Your thoughts and ideas are very much appreciated!
My husband presents as a very sexual person. He is an avid porn fan and views porn or "art nudes" every day. He reads erotica. He is a photographer who shoots glamour/nudes. I believe that he masturbates to porn daily or at least several times per week.
Our sex life has shriveled over the last 2 years to be dry, mechanical and pretty much barely there. My husband (40) has what I suspect is erectile dysfunction. When we are intimate, he has trouble achieving and maintaining an erection. I feel very much like sex is a chore that isn't much fun for him, and as a result it's not much fun for me either. I haven't had an orgasm in over a year (that wasn't self-induced), and he pretty much skips over any sort of foreplay of kissing, stroking, etc., that is important for me. As a result I feel pressured to "get there" quickly and end up faking it to keep everyone's frustration to a minimum.
I suspect that his erection problems have a lot to do with his porn/masturbation habit. I've broached the subject with him a few times and his response is that he doesn't have a problem, that sometimes he just needs to get off quickly and that it doesn't diminish his desire for me. He also says that it doesn't happen as often as I think, but it's pretty obvious to me that it happens a lot more frequently than he admits.
When we are being sexual he doesn't get completely hard, and if he does it's very late in the game. Kissing/normal foreplay doesn't arouse him at all, and it's a lot of work to get him there. Even oral sex takes a long time to get him hard. The only time it isn't that way is during "morning erections" where he will wake up with a pretty major erection which makes me believe that the problem isn't physiological. I have never asked, but I expect he has no problems with erections when he's looking at porn.
Since my attempts to talk about it haven't gotten us anywhere I wonder where to go next. He says there is no problem, so if I'm the only one perceiving a problem I'm not even sure there's a solution except for me to change my expectations. I'm at the point that I don't even want to have sex ever, and I try to avoid it as much as possible both because it's uncomfortable and not fun for me but to save him the embarrassment of erection problems. I don't know that I can live like this forever, though, and my fear is that I will end up living a sexless life -- something I really DON'T want.
Your thoughts and ideas are very much appreciated!
