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45 Posts
I have never posted on any forums regarding this situation or the previous one like it. I guess to get started I should give you some BG info on my relationship.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 7. We are a military couple and have been for the entirety of our marriage. We have two children and a dog. And we have been separated twice.
My husband has successfully chewed up, spit out, trampled on, and carefully taped back together my trust - 3 - times during our relationship. We married young. The fact that I was young and he was even younger, probably wasn't a healthy factor. When we married, I was a mother, full-time employee, and part-time student. I had sewn my wild oats and enjoyed it plenty... and was at a point in my life where growing up, was not only a requirement, but I was pretty interested in it. He was freshly dropped out of college and headed to boot camp for the USMC. He had spent many a days partying, don't get me wrong.. but I do believe that men mature at a slower rate and/or desire than women do. I do not fault them for that, either, because I know it's nature (usually). We were madly in love and unstoppable. The first year of our marriage was rocky, to say the least. He spent most of it partying, flirting with girls, getting so drunk that he couldn't stand/speak correctly. All the while, I was pregnant and not amused. I can't tell you the amount of fighting we did. I can't even begin to correctly count the tears I cried. So early, I was already letting him know that if things did not change, I was GONE. 1 year into our marriage we welcomed a beautiful, little boy, and he started working up toward his first deployment. He began working on his behavior and slowly but surely, the partying slowly wavered. We smoothly survived the 7 month separation and he returned to us, safely. Our marriage for some reason was not on the same page... we got along fine. We were excited to see one another. He was elated to be home. But I think I held a sort of resentment because of the past.
Somehow, I managed to get over it and move forward and basically just tried to enjoy having our family back together again. But I noticed something... he never left his phone alone. It went EVERY WHERE with him. It also had a password on it, which was a new thing... and I often heard it vibrate in the middle of the night. Finally, I got a little tired of suspecting and checked our phone records. There was a number that he exchanged texts with throughout most of the day and sometimes phone calls. Some texts as early as 4am (remember he's in the military, and often would be on his way to work at this time), and some as late as 11PM or so. When I questioned him about it.. he simply stated it was someone from work and he and this person were working together on some things. Nothing else was discussed. A week or so went by and I still didn't feel right... FTR, I DO NOT go through my husbands phone. It's not something I've ever done on a reg basis, or desired to do. But this time, I did. I went into his contacts and the very first one was new to me. It was a female's name, so I checked the number, and lo and behold, it was the # in question. I checked his texts and call logs, but there was nothing... That was red flag number 1 to me, because it he's deleting them (which he had other texts surrounding these dates) then obviously, he felt a need to hide them. I asked him about her and he again said, a co-working.. no big deal. I sort of played dumb over it and just let time pass.. Checking his call logs, etc. Over the course of time, I also found texts between them in his phone. At times I could tell that some had been deleted, bc the conversations didn't line up or make sense. I didn't like what I saw... they were very flirtatious. When I confronted him about them, I told them these conversations were to stop and if they didn't, I'd take matters into my own hands. They stopped for about a week or two and he was right back at them... this went on for about two months, before I finally flipped my lid and threatened to go to his command and hers and have them sort the mess out.
It all stopped.
Fast forward to two weeks ago: I busted him again. The problem adding onto this situation is that I was also dealing with depression, marking the 9 yr anniv of a sexual assault, from when I was younger.... so, I was feeling down, vulnerable.. and needing my husband. He's supposed to be my safe place, my strength when I'm weak... as I am for him. Also.. this time, it's a little closer to home, because he was FB messaging with his sister's best friend. These messages also VERY flirtatious. For example: at one point she said to him, "I know you too well," to which he replied, "Not as well as I'd like *wink face*." and so on... I also know he's called her. These messages went on for weeks. I only found out about them because I happened to roll over one morning in bed, just waking up, to catch her name on his phone (in the FB app) and he closed it so quickly, I almost didn't see it. I didn't say a word. I played dumb and went into the bathroom and logged onto his FB. I couldn't believe the messages as I watched them unfold in real-time. I also saw that they went back a couple of weeks. I was shaking.. I just couldn't believe this was happening, AGAIN. So, I continued to play dumb throughout the day, watching him as he checked his phone every few mins and corresponded with her. At some point in the conversation, she asked, "Does ***** know your password?" Me.. obviously. He replied, "No." And I know that he knew I knew it, so I was kind of shocked at his reply, but then I was logged out. I guess he sort of thought, "Whoa, wait.. yes, she does..." and changed it.
Later on in the day, I confronted him with what I knew and asked him to show me the rest of the messages. Needless to say, I didn't like what I saw. I immediately told him, things were over.. I'd be moving back home and I wanted to file a legitimate separation packet, so for him to get one.
Now, here I am.. two weeks later... and I've agreed to do counseling (AGAIN). The problem is... I don't know if I even want to. I mean, how many times can your heart take such a brutal betrayal? I just don't know what to do. I also fear that the only reason I agreed to do the counseling thing is because of the kids.. and I KNOW that isn't the right reason. This is our 3rd separation if I go through with it. I haven't been too happy in a long time, but I hate to walk out on my marriage. I just never know when to give up... or give in, or let go, or what have you. Maybe I'm a fool? And I know that even if I stay, whenever we're around his hometown... we will see her. Like I said, this is his sister's BEST FRIEND of YEARS. She isn't going any where. And I can't stop thinking about it... two weeks and it's all that runs through my mind... "How far would these two EA's have gone, had I not caught them?" "How will I react when I see her?"
I'm a mess.
Excuse me if this post is crazy and confusing. And I apologize for the length. I am just desperate for support.
FTR: He does apologize. He does recognize that this was an EA. He doesn't know why he does it, but says that I wasn't giving him enough attention. (Also, forgetting that I was having quite a hard time.)
UGh..
I guess I should also add, my husband and mine's sex life has been suffering for a while. Probably for the past two months. We did just move across the globe, so I know we're both stressing, but that is definitely a key point I should add into this, I suppose. I don't know why, but I just am not having many sexual desires toward him lately. Especially now, since the whole FB thing.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 7. We are a military couple and have been for the entirety of our marriage. We have two children and a dog. And we have been separated twice.
My husband has successfully chewed up, spit out, trampled on, and carefully taped back together my trust - 3 - times during our relationship. We married young. The fact that I was young and he was even younger, probably wasn't a healthy factor. When we married, I was a mother, full-time employee, and part-time student. I had sewn my wild oats and enjoyed it plenty... and was at a point in my life where growing up, was not only a requirement, but I was pretty interested in it. He was freshly dropped out of college and headed to boot camp for the USMC. He had spent many a days partying, don't get me wrong.. but I do believe that men mature at a slower rate and/or desire than women do. I do not fault them for that, either, because I know it's nature (usually). We were madly in love and unstoppable. The first year of our marriage was rocky, to say the least. He spent most of it partying, flirting with girls, getting so drunk that he couldn't stand/speak correctly. All the while, I was pregnant and not amused. I can't tell you the amount of fighting we did. I can't even begin to correctly count the tears I cried. So early, I was already letting him know that if things did not change, I was GONE. 1 year into our marriage we welcomed a beautiful, little boy, and he started working up toward his first deployment. He began working on his behavior and slowly but surely, the partying slowly wavered. We smoothly survived the 7 month separation and he returned to us, safely. Our marriage for some reason was not on the same page... we got along fine. We were excited to see one another. He was elated to be home. But I think I held a sort of resentment because of the past.
Somehow, I managed to get over it and move forward and basically just tried to enjoy having our family back together again. But I noticed something... he never left his phone alone. It went EVERY WHERE with him. It also had a password on it, which was a new thing... and I often heard it vibrate in the middle of the night. Finally, I got a little tired of suspecting and checked our phone records. There was a number that he exchanged texts with throughout most of the day and sometimes phone calls. Some texts as early as 4am (remember he's in the military, and often would be on his way to work at this time), and some as late as 11PM or so. When I questioned him about it.. he simply stated it was someone from work and he and this person were working together on some things. Nothing else was discussed. A week or so went by and I still didn't feel right... FTR, I DO NOT go through my husbands phone. It's not something I've ever done on a reg basis, or desired to do. But this time, I did. I went into his contacts and the very first one was new to me. It was a female's name, so I checked the number, and lo and behold, it was the # in question. I checked his texts and call logs, but there was nothing... That was red flag number 1 to me, because it he's deleting them (which he had other texts surrounding these dates) then obviously, he felt a need to hide them. I asked him about her and he again said, a co-working.. no big deal. I sort of played dumb over it and just let time pass.. Checking his call logs, etc. Over the course of time, I also found texts between them in his phone. At times I could tell that some had been deleted, bc the conversations didn't line up or make sense. I didn't like what I saw... they were very flirtatious. When I confronted him about them, I told them these conversations were to stop and if they didn't, I'd take matters into my own hands. They stopped for about a week or two and he was right back at them... this went on for about two months, before I finally flipped my lid and threatened to go to his command and hers and have them sort the mess out.
It all stopped.
Fast forward to two weeks ago: I busted him again. The problem adding onto this situation is that I was also dealing with depression, marking the 9 yr anniv of a sexual assault, from when I was younger.... so, I was feeling down, vulnerable.. and needing my husband. He's supposed to be my safe place, my strength when I'm weak... as I am for him. Also.. this time, it's a little closer to home, because he was FB messaging with his sister's best friend. These messages also VERY flirtatious. For example: at one point she said to him, "I know you too well," to which he replied, "Not as well as I'd like *wink face*." and so on... I also know he's called her. These messages went on for weeks. I only found out about them because I happened to roll over one morning in bed, just waking up, to catch her name on his phone (in the FB app) and he closed it so quickly, I almost didn't see it. I didn't say a word. I played dumb and went into the bathroom and logged onto his FB. I couldn't believe the messages as I watched them unfold in real-time. I also saw that they went back a couple of weeks. I was shaking.. I just couldn't believe this was happening, AGAIN. So, I continued to play dumb throughout the day, watching him as he checked his phone every few mins and corresponded with her. At some point in the conversation, she asked, "Does ***** know your password?" Me.. obviously. He replied, "No." And I know that he knew I knew it, so I was kind of shocked at his reply, but then I was logged out. I guess he sort of thought, "Whoa, wait.. yes, she does..." and changed it.
Later on in the day, I confronted him with what I knew and asked him to show me the rest of the messages. Needless to say, I didn't like what I saw. I immediately told him, things were over.. I'd be moving back home and I wanted to file a legitimate separation packet, so for him to get one.
Now, here I am.. two weeks later... and I've agreed to do counseling (AGAIN). The problem is... I don't know if I even want to. I mean, how many times can your heart take such a brutal betrayal? I just don't know what to do. I also fear that the only reason I agreed to do the counseling thing is because of the kids.. and I KNOW that isn't the right reason. This is our 3rd separation if I go through with it. I haven't been too happy in a long time, but I hate to walk out on my marriage. I just never know when to give up... or give in, or let go, or what have you. Maybe I'm a fool? And I know that even if I stay, whenever we're around his hometown... we will see her. Like I said, this is his sister's BEST FRIEND of YEARS. She isn't going any where. And I can't stop thinking about it... two weeks and it's all that runs through my mind... "How far would these two EA's have gone, had I not caught them?" "How will I react when I see her?"
I'm a mess.
Excuse me if this post is crazy and confusing. And I apologize for the length. I am just desperate for support.
FTR: He does apologize. He does recognize that this was an EA. He doesn't know why he does it, but says that I wasn't giving him enough attention. (Also, forgetting that I was having quite a hard time.)
UGh..
I guess I should also add, my husband and mine's sex life has been suffering for a while. Probably for the past two months. We did just move across the globe, so I know we're both stressing, but that is definitely a key point I should add into this, I suppose. I don't know why, but I just am not having many sexual desires toward him lately. Especially now, since the whole FB thing.
