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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have never posted on any forums regarding this situation or the previous one like it. I guess to get started I should give you some BG info on my relationship.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 7. We are a military couple and have been for the entirety of our marriage. We have two children and a dog. And we have been separated twice.

My husband has successfully chewed up, spit out, trampled on, and carefully taped back together my trust - 3 - times during our relationship. We married young. The fact that I was young and he was even younger, probably wasn't a healthy factor. When we married, I was a mother, full-time employee, and part-time student. I had sewn my wild oats and enjoyed it plenty... and was at a point in my life where growing up, was not only a requirement, but I was pretty interested in it. He was freshly dropped out of college and headed to boot camp for the USMC. He had spent many a days partying, don't get me wrong.. but I do believe that men mature at a slower rate and/or desire than women do. I do not fault them for that, either, because I know it's nature (usually). We were madly in love and unstoppable. The first year of our marriage was rocky, to say the least. He spent most of it partying, flirting with girls, getting so drunk that he couldn't stand/speak correctly. All the while, I was pregnant and not amused. I can't tell you the amount of fighting we did. I can't even begin to correctly count the tears I cried. So early, I was already letting him know that if things did not change, I was GONE. 1 year into our marriage we welcomed a beautiful, little boy, and he started working up toward his first deployment. He began working on his behavior and slowly but surely, the partying slowly wavered. We smoothly survived the 7 month separation and he returned to us, safely. Our marriage for some reason was not on the same page... we got along fine. We were excited to see one another. He was elated to be home. But I think I held a sort of resentment because of the past.

Somehow, I managed to get over it and move forward and basically just tried to enjoy having our family back together again. But I noticed something... he never left his phone alone. It went EVERY WHERE with him. It also had a password on it, which was a new thing... and I often heard it vibrate in the middle of the night. Finally, I got a little tired of suspecting and checked our phone records. There was a number that he exchanged texts with throughout most of the day and sometimes phone calls. Some texts as early as 4am (remember he's in the military, and often would be on his way to work at this time), and some as late as 11PM or so. When I questioned him about it.. he simply stated it was someone from work and he and this person were working together on some things. Nothing else was discussed. A week or so went by and I still didn't feel right... FTR, I DO NOT go through my husbands phone. It's not something I've ever done on a reg basis, or desired to do. But this time, I did. I went into his contacts and the very first one was new to me. It was a female's name, so I checked the number, and lo and behold, it was the # in question. I checked his texts and call logs, but there was nothing... That was red flag number 1 to me, because it he's deleting them (which he had other texts surrounding these dates) then obviously, he felt a need to hide them. I asked him about her and he again said, a co-working.. no big deal. I sort of played dumb over it and just let time pass.. Checking his call logs, etc. Over the course of time, I also found texts between them in his phone. At times I could tell that some had been deleted, bc the conversations didn't line up or make sense. I didn't like what I saw... they were very flirtatious. When I confronted him about them, I told them these conversations were to stop and if they didn't, I'd take matters into my own hands. They stopped for about a week or two and he was right back at them... this went on for about two months, before I finally flipped my lid and threatened to go to his command and hers and have them sort the mess out.

It all stopped.

Fast forward to two weeks ago: I busted him again. The problem adding onto this situation is that I was also dealing with depression, marking the 9 yr anniv of a sexual assault, from when I was younger.... so, I was feeling down, vulnerable.. and needing my husband. He's supposed to be my safe place, my strength when I'm weak... as I am for him. Also.. this time, it's a little closer to home, because he was FB messaging with his sister's best friend. These messages also VERY flirtatious. For example: at one point she said to him, "I know you too well," to which he replied, "Not as well as I'd like *wink face*." and so on... I also know he's called her. These messages went on for weeks. I only found out about them because I happened to roll over one morning in bed, just waking up, to catch her name on his phone (in the FB app) and he closed it so quickly, I almost didn't see it. I didn't say a word. I played dumb and went into the bathroom and logged onto his FB. I couldn't believe the messages as I watched them unfold in real-time. I also saw that they went back a couple of weeks. I was shaking.. I just couldn't believe this was happening, AGAIN. So, I continued to play dumb throughout the day, watching him as he checked his phone every few mins and corresponded with her. At some point in the conversation, she asked, "Does ***** know your password?" Me.. obviously. He replied, "No." And I know that he knew I knew it, so I was kind of shocked at his reply, but then I was logged out. I guess he sort of thought, "Whoa, wait.. yes, she does..." and changed it.

Later on in the day, I confronted him with what I knew and asked him to show me the rest of the messages. Needless to say, I didn't like what I saw. I immediately told him, things were over.. I'd be moving back home and I wanted to file a legitimate separation packet, so for him to get one.

Now, here I am.. two weeks later... and I've agreed to do counseling (AGAIN). The problem is... I don't know if I even want to. I mean, how many times can your heart take such a brutal betrayal? I just don't know what to do. I also fear that the only reason I agreed to do the counseling thing is because of the kids.. and I KNOW that isn't the right reason. This is our 3rd separation if I go through with it. I haven't been too happy in a long time, but I hate to walk out on my marriage. I just never know when to give up... or give in, or let go, or what have you. Maybe I'm a fool? And I know that even if I stay, whenever we're around his hometown... we will see her. Like I said, this is his sister's BEST FRIEND of YEARS. She isn't going any where. And I can't stop thinking about it... two weeks and it's all that runs through my mind... "How far would these two EA's have gone, had I not caught them?" "How will I react when I see her?"

I'm a mess.

Excuse me if this post is crazy and confusing. And I apologize for the length. I am just desperate for support.

FTR: He does apologize. He does recognize that this was an EA. He doesn't know why he does it, but says that I wasn't giving him enough attention. (Also, forgetting that I was having quite a hard time.)

UGh.. :confused:

I guess I should also add, my husband and mine's sex life has been suffering for a while. Probably for the past two months. We did just move across the globe, so I know we're both stressing, but that is definitely a key point I should add into this, I suppose. I don't know why, but I just am not having many sexual desires toward him lately. Especially now, since the whole FB thing.
 

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Walk away and start life without him. Heal yourself first and over time you will come to realise that you deserve better.

Your husband knows what the marital boundaries are , he does not need a dictionary or councillor to tell him what an emotional affair is. Unfortunately he has got used to you coming back. Ask yourself - who is more desperate to save your marriage , you or him? I doubt he is , his actions do not mirror his words.
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Discussion Starter #3
Honestly, I feel your advice is what I want to do any way. But for some stupid reason, I question myself on that decision to the point of sticking around. I hate to put my children through a divorce. And I hate being miserable. I hate living overseas right now, so far from my friends and my family.
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Sorry to be so harsh, but I think it is very unfortunate that you brought a child into an unstable relationship. This man you are married to is not behaving in a mature, respectful, or committed way. And you have more than enough evidence to predict how the future will be with him. Think about what kind of life you want your child to have and what kind of relationship you want modeled for them. Because growing up in this dysfunction teaches kids things that impact their future relationships - how they treat other people and how they allow themselves to be treated.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Sorry to be so harsh, but I think it is very unfortunate that you brought a child into an unstable relationship. This man you are married to is not behaving in a mature, respectful, or committed way. And you have more than enough evidence to predict how the future will be with him. Think about what kind of life you want your child to have and what kind of relationship you want modeled for them. Because growing up in this dysfunction teaches kids things that impact their future relationships - how they treat other people and how they allow themselves to be treated.
No worries about being harsh, because I agree with that. Unfortunately, this is the situation and hindsight is 20/20. I was 21 when I got married. With that being said, I have to focus on what is.

=\
 

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I hate to say this but your best option is to leave and start over. I know this is easier said than done, but for your kids sake alone it is the best thing you need to do. I'm sure you still love your husband but you need to take a step back and take an honest look at your marriage and I'm sure you will see that he doesn't love you in the way that you need to be. I'm sorry for the situation you are in, I know the feeling and wouldn't wish this on anyone.
 

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What does your heart tell you?

It seems to me his patterns aren't changing and it might be time to check out for good, but only you can know what will be best. I know too well the weight of having children in the picture, and I'm sure it's really really hard being overseas and away from your family.

Hang in there.
 

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The first year of our marriage was rocky, to say the least. He spent most of it partying, flirting with girls, getting so drunk that he couldn't stand/speak correctly.
This was me, then I realized I was a druink nad a drug addict. I stopped when my wife got pregnant.

I guess I should also add, my husband and mine's sex life has been suffering for a while. Probably for the past two months. We did just move across the globe, so I know we're both stressing, but that is definitely a key point I should add into this, I suppose. I don't know why, but I just am not having many sexual desires toward him lately. Especially now, since the whole FB thing.
Stop making excuses for him. Good Lord. It's perfectly natural given the circunstances. If he can't behave as a husband because of that there's zero hope for improvement. You will be always under that treat.

The sad truth is he's a serial cheater and a man child. He needs tons of self work, stopping for while to see the whole picture, face the mirror, recount his patterns and decide what kind of man he want's to be. IC, readings, disciplice, practicing healthy bouindaires, choosing better role models.. a complete makeover.
But most of all he needs to want to change, not because the impending consequences, not as a pure reaction.

He never was commited. Maybe he can't. Not everyone is marriage material
 

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Discussion Starter #9
What does your heart tell you?
My heart tells me that I'm no longer in love with him. That I haven't been for a while.. and that now the trust that I barely had in him, is so broken, that I don't know how to ever fall back in love with him.
 

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Stop making excuses for him. Good Lord. It's perfectly natural given the circunstances. If he can't behave as a husband because of that there's zero hope for improvement. You will be always under that treat.
I certainly didn't meant to make an excuse for him. But I see what you're saying, also. I guess I was making it a point that we've already been fighting issues lately, and this was just the icing on the cake. :(
 

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I'm going to offer some advice, having two brothers in the Army.

My second oldest brother is 4 years married and has 3 kids. He, early on in his marriage, did some terrible things to my sister in law, by persuing and old flame from high school. She, like you, was tuff and decided to stick it out. He called me up one day complaining about his life and all the missed oppertunities.

His deployments gave him a lot of time apart from his family, which hurts. It also gave him stress not normal for most marriages. Deployments are hard on the soldier, but in many ways harder on the family left at home.

Having talked with my SIL and my mom, I gave him both barrells. I explained the dissapointment I felt that he did not recognize the great gift and oppertunity he had with his wife and kids. That he was blowing something far more measurable than an ex-g/f who wasn't even that great in their relationship.

Needless to say, he and the SIL are still together, his dedication is 10 fold and the marriage seems stronger than ever. This was roughly a 1yr ago.

It's one thing to offer the chance at rebuilding, it's another to continually use another individual for ones own comfort and benefit. You owe yourself and your child a better future than one of constant worry. In fact newer studies are beginning to show that divorce is BETTER for the kids involved. It won't be healthy as another poster mention, for your child to see a broken home, yet dad and mom are there. It's healthier for you and your child if you make an adjustment.

Right now your husband may think he's capable of changing but the only reason he appears to be going to counseling is he was caught, again. I have my own personal rule. If I found an EA, I'm able to fogvie once. PA, divorce, their is no turning back. That's it, no 2nd, 3rd or 16th chances. We all are responsible for our own actions. I was 21 when I got married and can say I never in a thousand years would act on some of the urges I felt. Yes, it's hard being young, seeing attractive people and thinking to yourself, no don't do this. However when agreeing to marriage that's the choice we make. I'm only 24 but I can assure you any male at 21 is capable of honoring their vows.

Best wishes and unload here whenever you need it!
 

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Thanks so much Mtts.

And everyone else.

I've always preached that I would leave immediately if the situation ever arose again. I mean, we JUST got over the last trust-destructing situation. Then BOOM. We've been married 6 years and have only shared maybe a year (non-consecutively) of happiness.. 5 months being the longest, smooth time. If that makes sense? But for some reason, when it comes down the the time to go, I am stuck in the mud. I, on one hand would love to see thing work out. On the other hand, I can't imagine how they ever could. Is it normal to go around in circles with yourself like this? Especially considering, I always swore I'd never be the type of woman to put up with this crap! I'm an outgoing, spontaneous person. I have a lot of skills, so getting a job shouldn't be an issue. I have a family who is ready and willing, with open arms to welcome me home and help me however I need, until I'm stable. I am just so lost.
 

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Yes, very normal. I've been there, unfortunately (why I'm here too) with a partner who decided they didn't feel as dedicated. If I was to ever have knowledge it went phyiscal it'd be over.

For my piece it was more general FOG than a specific guy. So for now I've worked towards reconciling. The hard part is, until he sees that you're serious, it's going to continue. Without real consequences for his actions he's really not being punished. Clearly he's resolved that this behavior is acceptable to him at some level.

Read on 180 and start there. Get yourself in a better place independantly and give him the room and time to feel real consequences. As it stands he's put you in "plan B" category and that's where you'll stay until he is truly impacted. So far you are the one being impacted and it's going to get worse.

I'd take your family up on that offer, but realistically I'd have him move out first. He's got no right to ask it of you nor expect it. Do it for yourself first and think about your marriage second. Once you feel ok being on your own it's much easier to think clearly about whether the marriage is truly worth saving. This close to it all makes it tuff to really visualize the entire situation.

Keep your chin up and if possible get IC for your own benefit.
 

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I have a lot of skills, so getting a job shouldn't be an issue. I have a family who is ready and willing, with open arms to welcome me home and help me however I need, until I'm stable. I am just so lost.
You have a life-line here. A real support system - grab onto it like the life-line it is. Use that time to heal. It may give him time to realize what he's lost.

If so, he should find a way to prove that he's recommitted to the marriage. In the meantime proceed with divorce. If that doesn't shake him into reality nothing will and you and your child will be that much better off and a whole lot wiser.
 

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Yes, very normal. I've been there, unfortunately (why I'm here too) with a partner who decided they didn't feel as dedicated. If I was to ever have knowledge it went phyiscal it'd be over.

For my piece it was more general FOG than a specific guy. So for now I've worked towards reconciling. The hard part is, until he sees that you're serious, it's going to continue. Without real consequences for his actions he's really not being punished. Clearly he's resolved that this behavior is acceptable to him at some level.

Read on 180 and start there. Get yourself in a better place independantly and give him the room and time to feel real consequences. As it stands he's put you in "plan B" category and that's where you'll stay until he is truly impacted. So far you are the one being impacted and it's going to get worse.

I'd take your family up on that offer, but realistically I'd have him move out first. He's got no right to ask it of you nor expect it. Do it for yourself first and think about your marriage second. Once you feel ok being on your own it's much easier to think clearly about whether the marriage is truly worth saving. This close to it all makes it tuff to really visualize the entire situation.

Keep your chin up and if possible get IC for your own benefit.
Thank you for all you've said. I appreciate the support, as I've needed some type of it for a while now. It's hard being this far from home. We are across the globe from our families. Also, that makes it more difficult for anyone to leave the house. While it is possible, because they will make room for him in the barracks if I request him out of the house. I definitely have a lot to think about. I need to get myself strong again, one way or the other, to deal with the outcome, no matter what it may be.
 

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You have a life-line here. A real support system - grab onto it like the life-line it is. Use that time to heal. It may give him time to realize what he's lost.

If so, he should find a way to prove that he's recommitted to the marriage. In the meantime proceed with divorce. If that doesn't shake him into reality nothing will and you and your child will be that much better off and a whole lot wiser.
I think what's so scary about just jumping on a plane and heading home is that, to get me and our children home with our belongings we have to file a packet that will pretty much cut off our support of the military and our SOFA status, which allows us to live and be cared for here, over-seas, with my husband. I think because if I leave, and lose our SOFA status, that leaves my husband here across the globe for 2+ years. He can then head back home to the states. That's such a desperate move with two children, I feel. I hate to separate them from their dad. Such a distance... and such a long time.

I am in a pickle. =\ I just want to be happy again. I want to feel alive again. I feel like I'm in such a mess.
 

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It's hard being this far from home.
We are across the globe from our families.

Also, that makes it more difficult for anyone to leave the house.

While it is possible, because they will make room for him in the barracks if I request him out of the house.

I definitely have a lot to think about. I need to get myself strong again, one way or the other, to deal with the outcome, no matter what it may be.
It must be very difficult to think rationally while your emotions are in turmoil. You have to find the strength and courage to overcome the logistics of arranging things through base housing, arranging for overseas travel, for preparing your child, packing your things, letting your folks know.

Make a plan. A checklist and focus on those things and those things only. Plan on what needs to be accomplished by the end of each day for parting. Be detached - the 180 is an great tool during this time.

Don't worry about where he'll sleep - the barracks are just fine, chow hall is open for 3 meals - not your problem.
 

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It must be very difficult to think rationally while your emotions are in turmoil. You have to find the strength and courage to overcome the logistics of arranging things through base housing, arranging for overseas travel, for preparing your child, packing your things, letting your folks know.

Make a plan. A checklist and focus on those things and those things only. Plan on what needs to be accomplished by the end of each day for parting. Be detached - the 180 is an great tool during this time.

Don't worry about where he'll sleep - the barracks are just fine, chow hall is open for 3 meals - not your problem.
It is very difficult. I feel sort of lucky that we've been through this before, because I am better equipped to handle my emotions and it's almost a routine (how sad). I am so calm, that it's frightening. Inside of my head is where the real noise is. I'll definitely check into the 180. Thank you.
 

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I agree with the others here who are encouraging you to leave. You are young and your H isn't committed to your marriage. You don't trust him and have no reason to believe that he wants to rebuild that trust. The average life expectancy for a woman is now 82 yo. You have so much time to have a fulfilling life. Why not choose to do that?
 

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It is very difficult. I feel sort of lucky that we've been through this before, because I am better equipped to handle my emotions and it's almost a routine (how sad). I am so calm, that it's frightening. Inside of my head is where the real noise is. I'll definitely check into the 180. Thank you.
Make a promise to yourself, to your baby, and to your husband, that the routine ends forever with this episode

All bases with dependent populations have spouse support facilities. Check into that to see if you can find someone local to help dininish the roar in your head.
 
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