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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I hate that I feel I have to post this, but I would love to hear some different perspectives on my situation.

I think my wife is in the early stages of an emotional affair via facebook. I noticed that she had been acting strange around me the last few days (i.e., very aloof, easily irritated, overly sensitive).

One day she left her facebook open on our iPad and, because of her change in behavior, I thought I'd take a peek. Almost all of it was uneventful, but I noticed an exchange of facebook messages with a guy who's married, who she doesn't have any other connections with (no mutual friends, not in same line of work, etc.). I have no idea who this guy is or how they met. Anyway, the messages are mostly harmless, especially on her part, but his messages get quite flirtatious. Honestly, I find his messages upsetting and not something a married man she be writing (let alone to a married woman), but she doesn't say he should stop.

I non-confrontationally asked her last night if everything was okay with us. If she was okay. She told me everything was fine. I told her she's been acting different, and looking at me different--that she didn't have that loving look in her eye she normally has. In a monotone voice she told me everything is fine. I explained her actions and body language tell me otherwise, but she held her position. I didn't mention the facebook messages.

I checked again today and all of the messages to and from him had been deleted. She didn't have any other changes to any of the other conversations on there (I forwarded the messages to/from him to myself to preserve any "evidence"). I think I find this the most disconcerting thing--that now she's trying to remove any evidence of her communications with him.

What should I do? Should I continue sitting quietly and see where this goes? Should I confront her about this guy? I've thought about randomly asking about him in a casual way, but there's nothing to suggest I should even know this guy exists (they never post on each other's walls). Any help would be appreciated!

I tried to keep this short, so I realize there may be some more info needed. If so, please ask and I'll supply it. Thanks!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Okay, that quiz was eye-opening. Now what? Do I confront her immediately or try to gather more evidence? Right now I have nothing that suggests they've taken it beyond facebook (texting, email, etc.).
 

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I dont know about you personally but when I find something its very hard for me not to say something. If I keep my mouth shut I end up getting angry and eventually blowing up about it.

If you are able to keep quiet and keep gathering evidence you should, that would be your best bet. You can tell from her actions that she is going to delete and hide what little bit she thinks you might have already found, if there is more she will work harder at hiding it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
LetDown: that's exactly my concern. I must admit I'm close to boiling over. I'm having trouble focusing on other things now. However, I feel if I confront her now with what I have she'll turn this around on me, and she might find other ways to continue it. Then again, if I don't confront her she may take it down a path from which we can never return...

She used to always be available on gchat, which is how we primarily communicate during the work day. Now she's always "offline."
 

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Okay, that quiz was eye-opening. Now what? Do I confront her immediately or try to gather more evidence? Right now I have nothing that suggests they've taken it beyond facebook (texting, email, etc.).
read this also..
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

As far as confrontation, what do really know for sure at this point, she is talking to someone on-line you dont know the depth of it, one way or the other..and she delted the messages...

Soon some of the others will be popping in to give some advice...

I suggest you read it all, take what will work for you and apply that.
 

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always better to attack EA's earlier than later imo

since you have enough proof (and if it is fairly evident it isn't physical) I say to confront soon

since it isn't a full blown EA yet I highly suggest you make it about boundaries instead of flat out saying she is cheating
 

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LetDown: that's exactly my concern. I must admit I'm close to boiling over. I'm having trouble focusing on other things now. However, I feel if I confront her now with what I have she'll turn this around on me, and she might find other ways to continue it. Then again, if I don't confront her she may take it down a path from which we can never return...

She used to always be available on gchat, which is how we primarily communicate during the work day. Now she's always "offline."
Its a tough place to be in. Do you think she might be texting the person also? Can you get phone records to check?

I cant believe I didnt think of this while ago...its the first thing most mention. Get a keylogger and put it on the computer.
 

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Don't say a word to your wife and find out who this guy so you you can find out who his wife is. Then contact the OMW (Other Mans Wife) and inform her that your wife and her husband have been flirting and you want her support in ending this before it gets out of hand.

The OM (Other Man) will tell your wife, she willbe pissed at you and give you all kinds of labels like "controling" "jealous" even "insecure". Respond to her by letting her know that you are protecting the marriage and you will not control her and if she chooses to continue the EA then she knows were the door is.

You need to let her know that you will no longer share her with anothe man, that these are your boundries and if these boundries are crossed there will be consequences.

You can't nice your way out of this so don't try, expose this to OMW and while the OM throws your wife under the bus to save his own marriage your wife will see OM true self.
 

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I understand your wife. This guy is flirting with her, how often do YOU flirt with her? Do you make her feel appreciated or has it become more roomatish? I think at this stage it's not an EA but I think she's wondering if there's more to life. Chick flicks have ruined it for us.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Struggling: thanks for the helpful links and advice. I'm thinking deeply about all of it. I want to make sure I've studied all of the angles before I do anything to make things worse.

Iwanttosmile: thank you. That will probably be the course I take. I need to figure out the best way to do it, though.

Almost: I like the boundaries idea. The issue I'm having is how do I revisit this when I've already asked her about her different behavior and we've already discussed emotional affairs (after we talked about her ex-husband's infidelities while they were married).
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks everyone for the responses so far. It's getting hard to respond individually.

kipani: I regularly tell her how beautiful she is. She feels fat and ugly right now because two months ago she came off her birth control (we're trying to have a kid).

Unfortunately, Sprint does not keep text logs. I check the call log and everything looks normal. She does almost all of her facebooking on her phone, though. She takes it everywhere, in the bathroom, bedroom, wherever, it virtually never leaves her side.

Facebook does not say who the OM's wife is.
 

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You need to TALK to her, she may not be cheating, but harmless conversations eventually will lead to cheating.
You love your wife, so be honest with her, and tell her exactly what you read and what she did and why you read her exchange between her married male "friend".
This says it all... if you love her, follow those suggestions. I know, this is exactly how it happened with me, and if my husband had not have questioned me about my behavior (the EXACT same way your wife is acting now). I would have been in a full blown affair. He saved our marriage.
 

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Struggling: thanks for the helpful links and advice. I'm thinking deeply about all of it. I want to make sure I've studied all of the angles before I do anything to make things worse.

Iwanttosmile: thank you. That will probably be the course I take. I need to figure out the best way to do it, though.

Almost: I like the boundaries idea. The issue I'm having is how do I revisit this when I've already asked her about her different behavior and we've already discussed emotional affairs (after we talked about her ex-husband's infidelities while they were married).
You are welcome, you sound like someone who's semi got thier head on straight (who really does?) Keep it there, dont loose your cool...:D

but his messages get quite flirtatious. Honestly, I find his messages upsetting and not something a married man she be writing (let alone to a married woman), but she doesn't say he should stop.



Yes it is all about boundaries...and the guy cleary has none
 

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If I were you I would try to get more info, there is no way you can question her about this other guy without giving up the fact you looked at her fb. Once you do, she will immediately go underground and you will have a much harder time finding anything of any significance. Right now you dont have really much to go on at all other than the fact she had a conversation on facebook.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
If I were you I would try to get more info, there is no way you can question her about this other guy without giving up the fact you looked at her fb. Once you do, she will immediately go underground and you will have a much harder time finding anything of any significance. Right now you dont have really much to go on at all other than the fact she had a conversation on facebook.
That's exactly my concern. My problem is I don't know how much more of this I can take before I burst...

Struggling: thanks for the semi-compliment. :D
 
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