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Discussion Starter #1
Never thought I would end up in a forum like this. My hands are shaking as I write. My scenario is so VAST and messy that I could write a novel of whats transpired between my W and I. I'll try to sum up as best as I can...

Back in July, the worst day of my life came to be; I was notified at my doorstep by the police that my older sister was killed in a car accident. I'm not going into details, but it still hurts to this day. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is for background info of my state of mind.

Here's what my family life is like... I've been with my W for 6+ years, been married just over a year; August 2011. We have 4 kids. She has 2 twin boys (age 12) from a previous relationship, but they call me Dad and hardly ever see their "biological father". We also have 2 beautiful little girls (ages 3 and 5). We both work full-time; and I just recently started working 2 nights a week at a pizza parlor for some extra money. We live on very little income. I guess you could say we're both over-worked and under-paid.

So, for me, this is when everything started to get heavy. On Sept 7 my W got a "random" friend request on Facebook. She had no idea who is was, but accepted it for some reason. This is when I got a little leery, but I trusted her so I didn't think anything of it.

I started noticing that my W started acting a little different shortly afterward, e.g. wanting to excercise, diet, wanting space. I told her my concerns regarding her new "friend". I told her I was worried they would start emailing, texting, phone conversation, etc. She told me she had NO intention of any of that. At any rate, I caught her on the phone with him one night and listened in. The conversation was quite innocent; nothing too personal. After she hung up, I confronted her about it. And she got angry and said "I don't need your permission to talk to whom I want to talk to."

Anyway, this could go on way too long, so I'll just let everyone know where I currently stand. From what I've gathered they've never met in person, though I doubt it. My W DID tell me that texting/talking to him is an escape for her since he knows very little about her, but he does know that we're married.

Occasionally, the correspondence goes away, but then the next week I'll find a recent text between them, but again its not anything very secretive. My W is so sick and tired of me constantly telling her my concerns or answering my questions that I feel I'm doing more harm than good.

The OM is FAR more successful than I ever could be. He's a firefighter/paramedic and just recently was elected to City Council. I'm an ant compared to him. He's a Christian and is single. I'm not very religious by the way and neither is my W.

I'm so torn right now. My W tells me she loves me and kisses me goodbye when I leave for work, etc. But I can't shake the thoughts in my head of what may or may not be going on between them. And please don't tell me to check phone records. I have no cell phone and she is still on her familys plan. So thats not an option of trying to find things out.

I will admit that things have died down a bit, but I'm still scared and skeptical. ANY advice is welcome, but understand I love my W with all my heart, but I can't stay feeling paranoid like this forever.
 

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So, first and foremost, explain that if she wants to stay in this marriage and make it work, then she calls him and tells him no further contact, ever. Period. This is non negotiable. If she is not willing to do that, then you have no chance of reconciling.

Read the newbies links.

No more 'family' phone plan. She gives the phone back and gets a plan where YOU have access. That is the price she pays for the choice SHE made to violate your marriage vows. You don't have a phone - does she really NEED one?

You get access to FB, email, phone, everything. No secrets. Any violation of this, deleting texts/call logs or changing passwords again and you file for divorce. Period.

This man is NOT a Christian. A Christian does NOT pursue a married woman, FFS. If I were you, I'd also call him and explain that his contact with YOUR wife is no longer acceptable.
 

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She either cuts it off with him NOW, and proves to you she's done so, or she's outta there. She should also prove she hasn't done anything physical with him. You may want to consider gathering your own evidence in this regard - snooping emails/bank accounts/ credit cards/texts etc. Sometimes that's the only way to get a truthful answer.

Please read the Newbie link in my sig.

Oh, and get this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

I am so sorry you're here :( Sadly there are many of us.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
So, first and foremost, explain that if she wants to stay in this marriage and make it work, then she calls him and tells him no further contact, ever. Period. This is non negotiable. If she is not willing to do that, then you have no chance of reconciling.

Read the newbies links.

No more 'family' phone plan. She gives the phone back and gets a plan where YOU have access. That is the price she pays for the choice SHE made to violate your marriage vows. You don't have a phone - does she really NEED one?

You get access to FB, email, phone, everything. No secrets. Any violation of this, deleting texts/call logs or changing passwords again and you file for divorce. Period.

This man is NOT a Christian. A Christian does NOT pursue a married woman, FFS. If I were you, I'd also call him and explain that his contact with YOUR wife is no longer acceptable.
Thanks for the suggestion. This is basically my 'Plan B'. I want to try and heal this scenario with some sensitivity. My W can be VERY emotional and by that, I mean ANGRY.

I'm currently trying to implement the 180 plan from DivorceBusters to see if I get any results.

I've done things in the past that has made her question my trust as well; so I'm trying to look at this from multiple angles. But damn, this DOES hurt.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
She either cuts it off with him NOW, and proves to you she's done so, or she's outta there. She should also prove she hasn't done anything physical with him. You may want to consider gathering your own evidence in this regard - snooping emails/bank accounts/ credit cards/texts etc. Sometimes that's the only way to get a truthful answer.

Please read the Newbie link in my sig.

Oh, and get this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

I am so sorry you're here :( Sadly there are many of us.
Thanks Hope. It actually brings a little comfort knowing that (although) pain brought us all here, we can find comfort in others' tears.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
For the record, I do have this guy's email address and phone number. I have (many times) wanted to tell him to back off, but I talked it over with my therapist and she told me that doing that would makes things much worse.
 

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Your wife is the one who needs to tell him she will no longer be contacting him. With you as witness. Please read the info about No Contact in the newbie link.

Is he married or in a relationship? If your wife refuses to go NC, contacting his SO, once you have evidence, is a good idea.
 

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There is no going soft here. look into yourself for your boundaries and be prepared to keep them.

If you loved someone so much that you would do anything for them, then what would be the big deal of giving up a "friend" of the opposite sex?

I have. Plenty of times. Even same sex friends. If my wife ever voiced concern over them or their character, they were gone. My friends would never come before my wife.

We may sit down after all was said and done and get to the bottom of some things, like why she didn't like them, what she knew or suspected, or what she was fearful of.

But since I don't believe opposite sexes can EVER be friends, I would say she is having an emotional affair at best, physical affair at worst. The more she fights to keep him, the stronger their affair bond. IMHO.
 

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CMH,

It breaks our hearts to see a new poster with the same terrible story to tell....

Follow the advice to set some boundries NOW! Hang tough.

Whatever happens know that you will survive! Read, exercise, do all of those things. Be strong toward her. If she continues to crap on you, be able to say good-bye.

Bar none it is the hardest experience you can go through, if it goes south, but YOU will be ok in the end.

God bless you. There are wonderful people that you will discover through this journey.
 

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You say he's more successful, that says to me he has a lot to loose from exposure.


1. Are you sure he is single?
2. Good Christian men do not randomly friend women on Fp
3. They don't put time and effort into developing a relationship with a married woman.

I don't agree with your therapist entirely. What does the therapist suggest that you learn to happy for your wife?

I'd certainly put a var where she talks to him, and key log the pc, you need to find out what is going on between them,
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I REALLY want to ask her tonight if she has heard from him or is still texting him, but I know it'll probably just make her mad. I can't believe she's doing this; we have 4 wonderful kids! WHY?!?!
 

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You say he's more successful, that says to me he has a lot to loose from exposure.


1. Are you sure he is single?
2. Good Christian men do not randomly friend women on Fp
3. They don't put time and effort into developing a relationship with a married woman.

I don't agree with your therapist entirely. What does the therapist suggest that you learn to happy for your wife?

I'd certainly put a var where she talks to him, and key log the pc, you need to find out what is going on between them,
I'm not computer savvy at all. I don't even have a cell phone.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
You say he's more successful, that says to me he has a lot to loose from exposure.


1. Are you sure he is single?
2. Good Christian men do not randomly friend women on Fp3. They don't put time and effort into developing a relationship with a married woman.

I don't agree with your therapist entirely. What does the therapist suggest that you learn to happy for your wife?

I'd certainly put a var where she talks to him, and key log the pc, you need to find out what is going on between them,
Good points. He was running for City Council when he friend requested her, so at first I thought he was looking for votes. I dunno.
 

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Walmart and bestbuy sell VARs, people like the Olympus.
Secure it with Velcro tape so it's not easily found.

I'd seriously think about talking to him, or have a friend of yours do it.
 

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The Newbie Link is in my signature. I have four links down there, it's the last one

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Pay attention to other people's signatures too - there are tons of useful links. There's also a sticky at the top of the CWI (Coping with Infidelity) forum
 

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Walmart and bestbuy sell VARs, people like the Olympus.
Secure it with Velcro tape so it's not easily found.

I'd seriously think about talking to him, or have a friend of yours do it.
Really don't have money for that, but I'll try. I could velcro it in her car. I think she talks to him during her lunch break in the car.
 
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