Duty sex: Have I made a mistake?

11851 Views 72 Replies 23 Participants Last post by techmom, Dec 24, 2012

amorous_1

Discussion Starter · Oct 24, 2012

Her: 30, Me: 36. Married 3 years together 5.

A couple days ago I had a discussion with my wife. I told her that I do not want sex, regardless of who initiates, if it is only to please me. If we do it then it needs to happen because we are both interested in it. I went further and told her that on the occasions she seems to derive little pleasure from it, and it is only for my benefit, that it feels like a rejection to me. I do not want duty sex. I explained that I was not angry or upset. And that I appreciate the fact she does things to please me.

Should I have even brought this up and communicated with her directly about it? Or would a better approach have been to decline sex when I feel like she is doing it out of "duty" and not because she's in the mood? To not talk about it?

After reading so many threads here the last few days I wonder if I'm being hyper-sensitive about sending messages of insecurity to her. Specifically when I flat admitted to feeling rejected in these situations.

Example of duty sex:
Wife does not ever get into it during the morning. However on weekends if I wake up with wood and ask for it she typically obliges. But she never gets into it and pretty much just wants me to hurry up and get through it so we can get out of bed and get going.

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norajane

· #2 · Oct 24, 2012

I'm generally in favor of being honest with your partner. It helps in understanding, which is a good first step. You've given her a lot to think about.

What are you expecting will happen now?

You might be interested in this thread - similar situation, but from the wife's perspective:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/58877-how-do-i-make-myself-want-sex.html

Reactions: 1

that_girl

· #3 · Oct 24, 2012

Some people aren't in the mood in the morning. At least she is taking care of that need for you. Many women just push their men away and laugh.

Reactions: 2

amorous_1

Discussion Starter · #4 · Oct 24, 2012

I tend to agree that communication and honesty should always win out. That's what I thought was right. But after doing a lot of reading I'm getting the impression that a man should hide his insecurities and avoid doing or saying anything that makes him look weak to his wife. So in the end no, you can't really talk about anything and everything with her. Disappointing but if it's the truth I can't change that.

I certainly do appreciate the fact that when she engages in sex to only please me she does it because she loves me and is being nice. I told her as much. Laughed at would be a bit much but being put off seems better to me. I feel emasculated in these types of my benefit only encounters.

As for what I expect to happen now? I expect to be told no when I initiate if she isn't feeling like it. Regarding the impact of my comment - in and of itself, this one "slip up" (if that is indeed what it was), is no huge deal. But I wonder if this type of remark, this type of communication, is a mistake on my part.

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that_girl

· #5 · Oct 24, 2012

Well, you'll find out in time.

Trying2figureitout

· #6 · Oct 24, 2012

Opening a can of worms if no sex issues exist.

I opened up this can being in a sexless marriage because I don't EVER want pity sex... I'll wait for her to want to give me sex. Without asking I never ask.

Why you would do that in a normal sexual marriage... seems like its creating an issue when none exists.

Now she is going to think hey he said if I'm not into it then A-OK!

Are you sure you can handle the rejections?

Her tastes can change and you gave her a free pass...

She gets resentments its a-OK to withhold as you said it!

I'm probably facing this now... but I'l be dammed if we go back to pity sex . I want it all and willing to wait for her come around or divorce her.

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amorous_1

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 24, 2012

Shades of gray. If this turns into me constantly being turned down, because she's never in the mood, or her never initiating because of the same, then Houston we have a problem. And at that point I would address that issue. An occasional no I'm not in the mood or whatever I can deal with. I'm not THAT fragile.

unbelievable

· #8 · Oct 24, 2012

You told her how her lack of enthusiasm made you feel. You weren't nasty about it and you set the stage for her to honestly communicate with you about her feelings regarding sex. A woman who cares about the marriage and who is worth keeping would likely make an effort to step up. An indifferent wife (that you'd be better off without, anyway) might be relieved that she has the green light to turn you down more frequently.

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WorkingOnMe

· #9 · Oct 24, 2012

I think you did it right. To wait until she's about to give duty sex and surprise her with your own rejection would be counter productive. Better to have an adult conversation outside of the bedroom.

norajane

· #10 · Oct 24, 2012

Riptide said:
I tend to agree that communication and honesty should always win out. That's what I thought was right. But after doing a lot of reading I'm getting the impression that a man should hide his insecurities and avoid doing or saying anything that makes him look weak to his wife. So in the end no, you can't really talk about anything and everything with her. Disappointing but if it's the truth I can't change that.

The thing is, you would have had to talk about this sooner or later because this is how you feel. Your thoughts and feelings about duty sex would still be there even if you had said nothing. If you hadn't told her that it makes you feel rejected and that you need to feel desired in order to want sex with her, she wouldn't know why this is important to you. She's not a mind reader.

Pretending to be something you are not ends up creating confusion and misunderstanding. If you said nothing and just turned her down each time she offered what you expect is duty sex, she might stop initiating because she might conclude that you don't want to have sex with her anymore. Or she'll stop initiating because she doesn't want to feel rejected when she didn't even want sex to begin with. It can get ugly when you hide and pretend instead of owning your needs and wants.

But you have to be prepared for what happens next. Ideally, this would open a dialogue between you about what sex means to your relationship and what kind of sex life you both want to have.

If she sees you as weak for telling her your honest thoughts, she's not exactly loving wife and partner material, is she?

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amorous_1

Discussion Starter · #11 · Oct 24, 2012

My feelings are that yeah, she would seem not to be very loving if she felt I was weak for sharing my feelings of rejection. I guess I'm still learning when and how are the right times and ways to share an issue with her that might come off as weakness on my part. Perhaps some hyper sensitivity based on all the alpha male talk regarding how to approach issues with her. Makes me feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

I appreciate all the comments so far this evening, from all of you. It seems like I didn't detonate an H-bomb here so that's good.

If I sense any weirdness going forward, or if I can't get enough satisfaction (lol isn't that a song?), or she can't, and there are signs, then another talk is coming.

that_girl

· #12 · Oct 24, 2012

There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable with your wife.

But maybe she will feel awkward for a while, not wanting you to think it's "pity sex".

Adex

· #13 · Oct 24, 2012

I believe it was a mistake. Some women may not ever be into having too much sex. Now you're letting her off the hook and basically are telling her it's ok not to have sex if she doesn't want it.

Your frequency of sex will probably decrease now, with little change in how much she desires it.

amorous_1

Discussion Starter · #14 · Oct 24, 2012

that_girl said:
But maybe she will feel awkward for a while, not wanting you to think it's "pity sex".

Possible. I tried to head that off somewhat by being clear that as long as she derives pleasure from an encounter, without necessarily reaching climax, I'm okay with that. As long as she does reach climax some of the time and is fine with our sex life in general. I was pretty clear - only the completely one-sided stuff is what I'm trying to avoid here.

Adex said:
Now you're letting her off the hook and basically are telling her it's ok not to have sex if she doesn't want it.

But it IS okay with me.

Your frequency of sex will probably decrease now, with little change in how much she desires it.

As long as things don't take a swan dive off a cliff, and the quality sex we have is often enough, then okay.

Mavash.

· #15 · Oct 24, 2012

Riptide said:
Example of duty sex:
Wife does not ever get into it during the morning. However on weekends if I wake up with wood and ask for it she typically obliges. But she never gets into it and pretty much just wants me to hurry up and get through it so we can get out of bed and get going.

I'm not a big fan of talking to solve problems. I think it's overrated. If you KNOW she's not going to be interested and you don't want pity sex then just don't ask for it.

Problem solved.

Reactions: 1

that_girl

· #16 · Oct 24, 2012

And maybe you just have stanky breath in the morning. I know that morning odors completely turn me off, so we always go wash up and brush our teeth quickly and then get busy.

amorous_1

Discussion Starter · #17 · Oct 24, 2012

@Mavash

True enough. Sometimes though it isn't always so easy to gauge her interest when she's got it in her mind at that point she's going to ask me if I want it. Without adding in the detail about how she doesn't really want it right now this is just for me. So without me having to ask "do you really want it" it's just better that neither one of us initiates if either/or is not interested. And if one of us initiates but the other isn't in the mood for it then we need to be honest about it.

MEM2020

· #18 · Oct 24, 2012

Totally normal for you to have peak desire in the morning.

Not at all unusual that she isn't super keen on morning sex.

Does she like it at night? Or in the afternoon?

I think what you did was perfectly honest - perhaps not perfectly delivered.

Same message, different tone goes like this: I like it better when sex is something I do with you, not to you.

Maybe even better is first cut out the behavior you are creating and then if she mentions it tell her that it is ok for her to decline if she doesn't want to.

One last thing: Sex, freely given as a gift, because you get pleasure from making your partner happy, is a good thing. Sex tolerated - or worse engaged in with a hurry up and get it over with vibe - is a bad thing.

The next time you get the hurry up vibe - or worse she says something like that, smile, stop and go take a shower. Don't argue, don't tell her you are offended. Just stop.

If she asks you "why" you stopped just give her a "are you kidding - you know why I stopped" look.

Riptide said:
I tend to agree that communication and honesty should always win out. That's what I thought was right. But after doing a lot of reading I'm getting the impression that a man should hide his insecurities and avoid doing or saying anything that makes him look weak to his wife. So in the end no, you can't really talk about anything and everything with her. Disappointing but if it's the truth I can't change that.

I certainly do appreciate the fact that when she engages in sex to only please me she does it because she loves me and is being nice. I told her as much. Laughed at would be a bit much but being put off seems better to me. I feel emasculated in these types of my benefit only encounters.

As for what I expect to happen now? I expect to be told no when I initiate if she isn't feeling like it. Regarding the impact of my comment - in and of itself, this one "slip up" (if that is indeed what it was), is no huge deal. But I wonder if this type of remark, this type of communication, is a mistake on my part.

See less See more

Reactions: 1

amorous_1

Discussion Starter · #19 · Oct 24, 2012

MEM11363 said:
Does she like it at night? Or in the afternoon?

Typically evenings more so.

Same message, different tone goes like this: I like it better when sex is something I do with you, not to you.

Agreed. That would've been a better way to phrase it. A lot goes into the delivery and this is a touchy subject in general. I'm pretty good at it - but there are times when I come up short there.

Maybe even better is first cut out the behavior you are creating and then if she mentions it tell her that it is ok for her to decline if she doesn't want to.

Certainly another option. One I considered. In the spirit of "communication" and not playing games however I decided for a more direct approach. That's my style, my personality, and it may not always produce the best results.

If she asks you "why" you stopped just give her a "are you kidding - you know why I stopped" look.

Honestly if this talk we've had doesn't produce the desired results, and we still end up going at it and I get that vibe from her, then I absolutely will start doing this. I'm not going to rip her head off but when I said I don't like how this makes me feel I wasn't fibbing.

that_girl

· #20 · Oct 24, 2012

So, if she fakes being interested, that's ok? How will you know the difference? She could just be so full of "stage fright" that she stops all togehter, in fear of hurting your feelings or having you question if she's really into it.

Ouch.

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