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Unreal the sexism in here. If a man working as a daycare provider is a minus 10 to you, good luck to you. I bet you wouldn't agree if a man said that about a woman as a daycare provider.

The dude works 55 hrs a week and does plenty of other things around the house.

Frankly, if I was in his shoes I'd tell her it's time to straighten up and make things more fair around the house or things aren't going to be happy for you for long.

Do the housework/daycare work that you have to do and that's it. Tell her you don't like the fact she doesn't do much around the house. If she gives you a line about how you're working from home so you should have to do it, tell her that's bull****. Start demanding an equal trade off of tasks around the house.

Btw, it's a well established point on these boards that more chores doesn't = more sex. Often, it means less. Stand up for yourself and tell her to do her own damn laundry.
 
Discussion starter · #22 ·
My husband is a Stay at Home Dad with our 4 month old son. He was forced to retire this past year (he's 45 yo) and it works for our family.

When I see him holding our son or playing with him, I honestly get extremely turned on and want to take him RIGHT THEN.

That said, he doesn't behave like a wimpy type of guy. He's tatted up, in good shape and has no problem standing up to me if I'm acting like a *****.

To maintain his own identity, he takes a couple of afternoons a week to go hang out in his shop (aka mancave) and to go to the gym. He also still takes time to go to LA to visit friends, go for a ride on his motorcycle and even went to Vegas for a few days with his friends.

I'd start pulling back a bit. Stop asking for sex because it starts to come across as begging.

The advice I would give you is to focus on you, buy some nice new clothes, take extra attention with your appearance. Focus on eating right, going to the gym a bit more. Your wife WILL become intrigued even a little jealous about why you're working so hard to look better.

Stop doing ALL the housework. You work, she works. Split the duties so you're less her '*****' and more her partner.

It sounds like your husband and I would get along well. Granted I'm 28, but I like to do all the things you mentioned. As far as being a "wimpy" guy, I played linebacker in college and am 6'2, 210 (with tattoos). As far as the housework, I did an experiment a few months ago. I stopped housework cold turkey to see what would happen. Within 4 days, the place was a disaster. I had to clean because of the health and safety factor.
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I think, of the 5 women at least 4 would find the prospect of a future stay at home husband a turn off. If the tables were turned, perhaps 2 or 3 men would find the prospect of a stay at home wife a turn on. Me personally, I've ALWAYS preferred the idea of having a wife who stayed at home to take care of the house and kids. In fact, when my wife wanted to start working a couple years ago it led to many fights and I was pretty convinced that it would lead us to divorce. I've never been turned on by the thought of a working wife. And I know I'm not alone....there are many guys out there like me. I'm definitely less attracted to my wife because of her work. Just being honest.
Maybe over time sure. But I know if some woman walked up to me and within a few minutes told me that she wants to get married so she can sit at home and watch the kids and left all the outside work up to me, I'd be saying adios. I myself don't mind a stay at home wife either, in fact I gave my ex-wife that option. But I like to know that in case something happens I'm married to someone who can help out. If on your first meeting you can tell someone you want to never work and have a man pay all the bills, that's not a first impression I'll care much for.
 
People may not like it, but sorry, men and women are different. That's not sexism, it's biology. Right or wrong, subconsciously men are judged by both men and women on their ability to provide. 40 years of feminism cannot wipe out a million years of evolution. We've evolved, but not as much as some would like to pretend that we have. Anytime a man takes on the traditionally feminine role within the household, attraction will drop. This happens at a subconscious biological level. Attraction is not something you can control.

Here's a little exercise for the men: go to a bar and chat up 10 women. For the first 5, tell them that your dream in life is to open your own business that makes enough to support a family and leaves a lot of time for great vacations and raising kids. Then tell the other 5 that your dream in life is to find a woman who will work hard and support you while you stay home and take care of the house and kids. Even the most evolved woman will find the second scenario less attractive. Some women are highly ambitious and convince the man that they're already with to go down this road so that they can advance in their own careers....but it's a trap. Nothing good can come of it.
Of coursw men and women are different, and from an evolutionary standpoint men are better 'providers'. But if you want to jump into the whole evolution thing, let us get some context. Providing now a days has little to do with what we were evolved to do. Claiming a man can only provide by going out and making money implies that house/child care is not providing in an oppurtunity cost kind of way.

How much does evolution really dictate our lives anyways? Marriage for men, and heck society as a whole can conflict heavily with our 'evolved responses'. How often do consider the whole 'spreading seed' argument as a strong position against marriage as a whole? Evolution has strong influences on us, but we are not the primal animals we used to be, completely dictated by our instincts.

Lastly, the desires of women vary. They want different things. Implying a woman will always be happier if their man is just a little bit more of an ******* is a little insulting to women. Some women will be happy with very subdued 'beta' men and some want a very 'alpha' man. Most probably lie in between. Being more 'alpha', manly, more assholsish, whatever you call it may work in some cases sure, but let us not kid ourselves by saying that strategy is a blanket solution for all marriages.
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It sounds like your husband and I would get along well. Granted I'm 28, but I like to do all the things you mentioned. As far as being a "wimpy" guy, I played linebacker in college and am 6'2, 210 (with tattoos). As far as the housework, I did an experiment a few months ago. I stopped housework cold turkey to see what would happen. Within 4 days, the place was a disaster. I had to clean because of the health and safety factor.
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Have you thought of just leaving? Based on your efforts as a dad, I'd say you'd have just as good of a chance at getting your kids as she would.

Your wife sounds like a leech.
 
The problem is multifaceted. You need to work on all of these things at the same time. And don't use your own logic, feelings and desires as a guide for solving this.

-- She is doing a male role and you are doing a female role
-- Her life is mostly consumed with work and not fun
-- You have young kids
-- Here is the big one... She sees no need for sex, since for her the need for sex is to GET A MAN (Done!) and GET CHILDREN (Done!) so she now does not want to permit herself to have sex.

So, what you have to do:

-- Give her a reason to be sexual....Make her life fun, not about the kids, make sure that she feels safe, happy and has some entertainment. Make her feel loved and special. Make her feel like a girlfriend and not just a worker and a mother. Make sure she knows you love her for herself and not just as a sexual object for your gratification. Make her understand what sex means to you her man on an emotional level. Make her see that in marriage a man puts forth effort to meet his wife's emotional needs and the wife needs to do the same.. .And lastly make sure she understands that without sex, there is no marriage, and if she is choosing a non sexual relationship as opposed to a marriage this is a tough choice for the kids but you will respect her choice and you wish her well in her quest to find a new man who does not care about sex.
 
I think, of the 5 women at least 4 would find the prospect of a future stay at home husband a turn off. If the tables were turned, perhaps 2 or 3 men would find the prospect of a stay at home wife a turn on. Me personally, I've ALWAYS preferred the idea of having a wife who stayed at home to take care of the house and kids. In fact, when my wife wanted to start working a couple years ago it led to many fights and I was pretty convinced that it would lead us to divorce. I've never been turned on by the thought of a working wife. And I know I'm not alone....there are many guys out there like me. I'm definitely less attracted to my wife because of her work. Just being honest.
There of course is nothing wrong with your opinion. My wife works and I love it. In fact, my wife will never be a stay at home mom and I have never had desires for the standard house wife. That is just the difference between people. My point is, quickly drawing the conclusion his wife is unhappy because of his profession is baseless. You are pulling that from ones own desires.

It would be as if I claimed someone living in Florida was unhappy because of the hot weather based on the fact that I do with no knowlexge of that persons preferences. Want to see if the kids thing really is the problem? Have a soul searching conversation with the wife and ask her perspective.
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It sounds to me that her 10 hour days are making her exhausted and also getting in the way of your time together.

You seem to be disconnect emotionally and physically at the moment. Neither you or your wife's needs are being met.

I would sit her down and ask her what her needs are. Maybe you both can work at finding that connection you once had.

You both work very hard. I could of never done daycare, it's really not for me. Whether your male or female, it doesn't matter. Your both working full time, you just happen to work inside the home. That does not make you less of a man. Plus you have the benefit of raising your own children while getting paid.

I think you both need to reconnect emotionally and physically. Try finding time to spend with your wife with your undivided attention a few minutes a night.
 
It sounds to me that her 10 hour days are making her exhausted and also getting in the way of your time together.

...snip

I think you both need to reconnect emotionally and physically. Try finding time to spend with your wife with your undivided attention a few minutes a night.
I agree wholeheartedly. even better if that undivided attention adds up to 15 hours a week and consists of meeting each other's intimate needs and getting to know eachother again.
 
Don't listen to the minus-10 crowd. You run a successful small business. There's nothing SAHD about that.

I think Hicks has the right of it in this situation. I like his advice.

I would add that you completely stop the spontaneous compliments. Everything you wrote about her gives the impression that she takes you for granted. All of your compliments have no 'weight,' they're expected by now. Cut them out until she earns that praise.
 
Discussion starter · #32 ·
Yeah it's sad how wives view us SAHD. Got in an argument with my wife the other day. She says her 50% of the marriage is working 8-5:30. Then proceeds to tell me after that she is done. Goes on to say my 50% is not done till kids are in bed at 9:00. And that's supposed to equal out for me not bringing home paycheck. I told her go give our daughter a bath and read her a book then put her to bed in a very direct way. She stomps out of our room and does it.
It's so sad that I let it get this way, I'm sure she will try and withhold sex to try and prove her point but I won't let it bother me.


Guys, he said the sexless marriage has been this way even when he was working. So going out and getting a job is not the fix. You need to up your sex rank. Is your wife in great shape. On a scale of 1-10 what are you and what is she?


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To be honest, I am a 7, and she is a 5 or 6. She has let herself go in the last 2 years. After baby #2, she had lost all baby weight due to breast feeding and was a good 7. She has put on about 40 lbs since that point. She is very pretty, but has no ambition to help the rest of her body
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You are definitely taken advantage of! And hate to let a few of the guys down but to many women what you accomplish in a day at home can be quite the turn on. You seem very attentive to your wife and very giving inside of the bedroom & out, she should be relieved and more than happy to keep her husband happy in the bedroom. You didn't sound like you demanded anything but just some attention which is HUMAN instinct!
 
did the sex stop before your wife became pg with #2?
It's important in that if you went on to have a baby with her after she started denying sex, you basically told her you were OK with that. If she stopped being sexual while pregrant or after the baby, it's clear she does not see the purpose of sex in a marriage
 
Sexism is a little strong in here... if that logic was solid shouldn't he not find his wife attractive since she is doing 'man's work'? I work a standard desk job and have no children, but I refuse to beleive that his problem is the fact that he is a great father.
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Thanks for bringing this up. I was confused by that reasoning as well, especially since OP describes himself as a man's man. He seems to be the best of both worlds.

Perhaps I missed it in the story, but who's idea was it for OP to leave Corporate and stay at home? I'm wondering what W's feelings were about that change in the system.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I, too, have a W who seems bothered by sex. She typically doesn't like it when I grab her and kiss her passionately.

This might be reaching, but is there a chance that she's depressed? Has she gone to the doctor to rule-out anything that could lower her arousal (e.g., thyroid, vitamin d deficiency, etc)? Perhaps you've already answered those questions, but I was just wondering.
I wish you luck!
 
Discussion starter · #39 ·
People have mentioned that I should pull back, not force the issue. That is the position that I have taken the past month or so. I keep doing my thing of showing her that I love her, and not even bringing up sex. It's gotten to the point that I don't even try for sex because I don't want to get revved up just to be shot down

I know she understands that I am good. She mentioned to one of her coworkers ( she knows that I do daycare) that I was building our youngest son a loft bed, her coworker replied "oh, he's handy too? You better not let him go".

Apparently it is too hard to show your husband ANY kind of anything
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