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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everybody. First, sorry for my bad english.
I'd really appreciate some advice on my case. And I promise I'll update it here.
Long story short: We met very young at college and started dating 15 years ago, whith no pause. It was very good, like heaven to me. He sometimes asked to take a break but changed his mind when realized how much we loved each other.
We were first lovers and first everything... sex was a problem during long time but we improved a lot (long long story, maybe can tell in another post).
We couldn't be separated, because it hurted so much. So, he moved into my apartment 10 years ago. Since then, we moved to other 3 houses, bigger and closer to what we were intending to - initiate a family.
We decided to have a baby. He kept saying sometimes that wanted a break - but yet wanted to have a baby. We finally got married and had our little jewel - the most perfect, beautiful and funny baby god could give us. We were so happy.
He took really care when she was a newborn. I couldn't believe that my daughter had the best father of the world. We started planning our second baby to come soon, as we're not so young and for them to be friends having similar ages. My husband was really exciting about it.
So, when baby was about 3 months old... he started to change. Started lefting us alone at night to go out with friends. Initially I didn't care because I thought that could help in some way for him not to go crazy with the new life. Gradually he stopped doing everything for me and the baby.
One day, I realized he had changed. Things with us got weird... he started talking about some girl... until some day he told he wanted to move out and this time he WOULD do it.
I freaked out... tried to talk... until one day I discovered that he was already with this girl. I couldn't believe, because I knew him so well and he was the only person on the world I trusted that way. As I've found out, he moved out to his mom's. Baby was 6 months, I would go back to work soon - where he works too.
At first, I did what every woman do: begged, pleaded, cried, texted, emailed, phoned and nothing worked. He kept saying that I couldnt ask him not to be with her.
Then I tried to stop and go NC. Couldnt. But I could be firmer than the beggining.
I came back to work with new wardrobe, makeup, perfect hair, confident and with smile on my face. Hiding all my misery because I knew it would make him weaker. I've lost a lot of pounds and was (and still am) in my best outfit (size 4!). He hasn't told many people about it, but how could I know who knew what?
Although I was doing NC, I still stalked him and her on whatsapp. I know, that is not NC, I know that I would only hurt myself more - BUT I always prefer to know the truth, no matter how hard it is, because this way I can prepare myself. I knew that some day I would be tired of it and would let go if it was meant to be. This led to something very, very interesting - I could discover a standard! It may sound crazy, but yes it worked. So, 3 weeks after he had left I detected a change in the standard!!! I had the intuition he got sick of her already and 3 days later he showed at my door, just as I expectec. I was so sure he would show up so I was prepared... phisically astonishing, but not emotionally prepared. I think this ruined it all.
He begged to come back, said he loved me, he and the girl didnt have nothing emotional, he needed to know other sex and wanted to improve ours to be perfect for both of us. More: he thought of me everytime and only could have sex with her either drunk or with viagra (yes, i've found viagra in his drawer when found about the girl).
I was really angry and we fought a lot. He promised he would show that he has changed and wanted me to forgive him. He broke up with the girl. We didnt have sex at first... but some days later my heart was full of hope and I believed he wanted to work things out. We had sex. He then started changing again... until he told me he realized that doesnt love me, only wanted to go back for the wrong reasons... he wanted something different... all the same things again.
Again, I begged, pleaded...
Then I got again to NC, but this time I would stick to it.
It has 1 month since he left again (actually he never really came back) and 2 weeks of LC (cause of the baby).
When I ignore him, he texts asking how am I, shows up... I always with my poker face, smiling.
I found out he's seeing her again. Also found out that they knew each other for long time, but she was not attractive, overwheigt (something like 200 pounds). Now she's preety, had some surgeries to take off what left after lost pounds.
I'm stick to LC. And he reacts showing up in my desk to discuss things (baby stuff that could be discussed by text or email), told his sister I was astonishing some day and then he took all his clothes at a time, as if trying to catch my attention, maybe?
It was our anniversary recently and I was in NC.
Hey, I really need an advice... he is reacting? He is feeling? He's trying to forget me?
Will NC or LC work to make him feel the void?
The girl is not his type. They cant have conversations, she's dumb... Im funny, we have all those "our things".
Im not ready to move on, nor have time to do this, cause of the baby, work and stuff. I want my family back and i know he wants it too.
I may be wrong, but I'm really hopeful we'll still get back together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Nobody? Maybe I should ask moderation to move the topic to the Reconciliation Session, cause reconciliation is what I'm looking for.
 

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I'm sorry but one thing that stuck out was how many times he wanted a break. Being nervous about a life long commitment is one thing but many times, even while dating he would refer to a break. I don't think he was ever fully committed to you.

He's stringing you along with false hope. You can't determine his type. Maybe her lack of intellect makes him feel superior. It's true that NC MIGHT make him temporarily desire you more - it worked before but once he got his fill, he went back to other woman. He is what is referred to here as a "cake eater". He wants both of you.

I suggest you change the locks and tell him he needs to decide if he wants his wife and family or the single life. And to choose carefully. Read the reconciliation forum. He would have a lot of work to do and frankly I don't think he'll want to. He may say so in the beginning but eventually he'll tire of the work. He sounds immature.
 

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I agree with everything Enjoli said.

You deserve MUCH better than this. Stop planning your life around this man. He has hurt you over and over again, and will continue to do so.

Time to toss this one back...
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm sorry but one thing that stuck out was how many times he wanted a break. Being nervous about a life long commitment is one thing but many times, even while dating he would refer to a break. I don't think he was ever fully committed to you.

He's stringing you along with false hope. You can't determine his type. Maybe her lack of intellect makes him feel superior. It's true that NC MIGHT make him temporarily desire you more - it worked before but once he got his fill, he went back to other woman. He is what is referred to here as a "cake eater". He wants both of you.

I suggest you change the locks and tell him he needs to decide if he wants his wife and family or the single life. And to choose carefully. Read the reconciliation forum. He would have a lot of work to do and frankly I don't think he'll want to. He may say so in the beginning but eventually he'll tire of the work. He sounds immature.

EnjoliWoman, thanks for your reply.
He seemed commited. We were (are) more than a nice couple. We were THE couple. Nobody believes in our breakup. Most of our friends don't know about it, nor most of our work coleagues. Yes, we work together! That's why it's so hard to do NC.
Our wedding (just 1 year ago) was very simple, as I chose this way, but very beautiful, cause everything was (or seemed!) so true and from the bottom of our hearts. At that time, he affirmed that every single doubt of him has vanished and he was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I really believe he was commited at that time at least.

I think he is acting like a cake eater, but he's not that kind of person. I know him for many years and he never cheated before, I'm sure about this. But I agreee that his behavior of coming back and leaving again so soon is typical of a cake eater and he should be treated as one.

I'm avoidind giving an ultimatum, for this may sound aggressive. I'm trying to pretend I don't care so much. He once said that his biggest fear was if I become indifferent towards him. That's how I'm acting: indifferent. That's why I didnt change the locks. Once I'm indifferent, I don't care if he comes whenever he wants to see the baby. He usually comes when I'm not, so, why should I bother once I'm indifferent?
Truth is that it may pass more 15, 30 or 45 years but I'll never be really indifferent in my heart. :(

Yes, he's immature. Almost 40 but immature. At the same time, I know him deeply and he can be the most loving and sweet person I've ever met. He loves to help people.

When he came back, he wanted to address our issues, work hard and together on them. We cried, hugged... he seemed truly sorry. But I agree with you, I don't know if he was aware of how much work he would have to achieve reconciliation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I agree with everything Enjoli said.

You deserve MUCH better than this. Stop planning your life around this man. He has hurt you over and over again, and will continue to do so.

Time to toss this one back...
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I know I deserve much better. Now I really do.
BUT... I still love him so much. I still think he's the one.

Also, dont forget I just became a mother. I need him by my side not just to help me (because I can do everything by myself) but to support our family. Something he believes he can do living apart - but can't. I'm not talking about when baby can't sleep or when I take her to her medical appointments. I'm talking about when I'm scared of not knowing how to be a good mother or when I see the baby discovering the world and he's not with us.
 

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I agree that you deserve to be treated better than this.

You are doing what you need to be doing right now by going as much no contact as you can. Interact with him according to the 180 (see link below) is the best thing to do.

Also you can do things that make you feel better about yourself. Do you do things with friends? What is your social life like? I know you have a new baby but you still need to do things outside of work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I agree that you deserve to be treated better than this.

You are doing what you need to be doing right now by going as much no contact as you can. Interact with him according to the 180 (see link below) is the best thing to do.

Also you can do things that make you feel better about yourself. Do you do things with friends? What is your social life like? I know you have a new baby but you still need to do things outside of work.
Thanks for the links.

I try to do things just for myself, when I can. I sometimes go to the movies or have lunch with friends. But I confess that sometimes I feel so sad and I just want to stay home and cry.
I also try to do little things to cheer myself up, like manicure or hairdo.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Updating here.
Now it's been 6 months since he left.
Some things happened.

First, one sunny day (aug 31) I simply realized I was having a good time with my mom and my baby. It was the first time I thought it was possible to be happy again and maybe I was happy already. I was smiling, having a goot time with the ones that really matter to me. And I was even anxious about the new life that I would live.

Then I started to notice this guy from my work (remember that my ex works there too...). The guy was always there and I never realized how handsome he was. I guess we've never talked before, nor even said "hi". He caught my attention and we started flirting... first just stares, then "hi" and "how are you?", then smiles... one night we met at a bar and started talking... well, I'm taking it too slow because I'm afraid to dive into a rebound relationship and get hurt.

Ex's family, that was so supportive at first, now barely talk to me. They just don't call to see if I and the baby are ok, if we need something... they just dont care. Ex's sister is now friends of OW on facebook. Same sister who said to me she would forever be my sister too and to whom I told my greatest secrets since ex left home. Now THAT hurts much more than the ex leaving. He has a big family, I don't. I didn't consider they as a family, they WERE my family. It hurts so much, especially now at christmas, that is a family event. A day that should be spent in family. Now my family is just my daughter and my mom, and it's with them that I will be at christmas.

I don't want to reconcile anymore. I don't want him back. I just want him to suffer. Nobody knows how I suffered.
 

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Hold on a minute.
Are you actually divorced?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
It takes two.

If he's involved with her and does not want to be with you, then you have no choice but to let him go. Unless you want to create a world of havoc for yourself.

It's time to use logic. File for child support at LEAST at this time.
I didn't file because it's too much for me to handle. I have a good job and ex pays for some things. I used to say "I dont need help, I need support". I can buy help, as I have a good nanny, but I cant buy the support I needed at that time.
I feel that I already left him go. I dont want to be with him anymore, dont feel attracted to him anymore.
 

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Is your husband still with the OW and some other women? Does the OW work with you two?

I can understand that right now you cannot handle a divorce. But you know that you need to do this. Your husband is not going to file. It sounds like he is leaving that to you as often happens.. it's a convenient thing some do so that they an then say "well she filed".

Does your stbxh spend any time with your daughter? if so about how much?

If you are going to be seeing someone else, you really do need to file. Otherwise that relationship (and any other) will be hampered by the fact that you are still legally married.

What you can do, to make it easier to handle, is to do it in small steps.

Just start out by finding 2-3 lawyers who will give you an initial appointment for free or low cost. Just talk to them, find out your rights, what kind of retainer is need, etc. Then in a few weeks you can call the one you liked and ask that he/she file for you.

Just got at it slowly and let the attorney handle it. That's what you pay them for.. for you to not have handle much of the process.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Is your husband still with the OW and some other women? Does the OW work with you two?

I can understand that right now you cannot handle a divorce. But you know that you need to do this. Your husband is not going to file. It sounds like he is leaving that to you as often happens.. it's a convenient thing some do so that they an then say "well she filed".

Does your stbxh spend any time with your daughter? if so about how much?

If you are going to be seeing someone else, you really do need to file. Otherwise that relationship (and any other) will be hampered by the fact that you are still legally married.

What you can do, to make it easier to handle, is to do it in small steps.

Just start out by finding 2-3 lawyers who will give you an initial appointment for free or low cost. Just talk to them, find out your rights, what kind of retainer is need, etc. Then in a few weeks you can call the one you liked and ask that he/she file for you.

Just got at it slowly and let the attorney handle it. That's what you pay them for.. for you to not have handle much of the process.
He's still with the OW. She works in the same building as us, but not in the same company.

He spends some time with the baby, comes here 2 or 3 times a week during lunch time (and of course he lunches HERE. I think it's sooo ridiculous that I don't bother) and in some weekends he picks her up to his place for 3 or 4 hours.

I understand that I have to file... I'll think about it. I dont live in USA, these things are different here. Thanks for the advice.
 

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I'm sorry but one thing that stuck out was how many times he wanted a break. Being nervous about a life long commitment is one thing but many times, even while dating he would refer to a break. I don't think he was ever fully committed to you.

He's stringing you along with false hope. You can't determine his type. Maybe her lack of intellect makes him feel superior. It's true that NC MIGHT make him temporarily desire you more - it worked before but once he got his fill, he went back to other woman. He is what is referred to here as a "cake eater". He wants both of you.

I suggest you change the locks and tell him he needs to decide if he wants his wife and family or the single life. And to choose carefully. Read the reconciliation forum. He would have a lot of work to do and frankly I don't think he'll want to. He may say so in the beginning but eventually he'll tire of the work. He sounds immature.
I fear you have summed it up very well. He sounds like what is referred to on this forum as a 'Nice Guy', which actually means a cowardly Mummy's boy. He wants for himself, only wants to be seen as the goodie, feel selfless and have everything his way.

I could be completely wrong and often am. Dirio-girl, is he someone who is usually down with the lads, or is he more the sensitive type who is in tune with womens' feelings, or both?

EleGirl write wisely imo.
 

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Sounds like you could use some IC to work through some of your own issues as well, to help make you stronger. You need to get to a position where you see that you will be ok without him, part of that process starts by focussing on what you are doing and not reacting to what he has done or is doing. It's hard to do and with help can be done. Be careful jumping into another relationship without the IC. You need to also understand what went wrong in this relationship and what your part was, so it's not repeated.

You definitely will be ok, you just can't see it yet, get the help you need and stick to that 180 it's a good starting point.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Dirio-girl, is he someone who is usually down with the lads, or is he more the sensitive type who is in tune with womens' feelings, or both?

EleGirl write wisely imo.
He's not one type. He hangs with the lads, used to have some beers sometimes. Not sensitive at all, is not kind to women. But at the same time, there were times he didn'd go out with his friends. We used to do most programs as a couple, like dinner, movies, walk on the park, or just laying in bed to watch TV the whole sunday. And there were times he stood with his friends (drinking) until dawn. I didn't like going out so late, so I never wanted to go. I didn't bother if he was out so late, I just got upset because he would say he was just having a couple of beers and there I was, 2 a.m. calling him and he couldn't listen. My dad had been severely hurt in a car accident when I was 16, I remember me and mom waiting for him until late at night... he never came home late... when the phone rang, our world came down, cause dad was almost dying... he survived but had limitations... that was very hard for us, so all I asked husband was to let me know if he would stay out until dawn.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Sounds like you could use some IC to work through some of your own issues as well, to help make you stronger. You need to get to a position where you see that you will be ok without him, part of that process starts by focussing on what you are doing and not reacting to what he has done or is doing. It's hard to do and with help can be done. Be careful jumping into another relationship without the IC. You need to also understand what went wrong in this relationship and what your part was, so it's not repeated.

You definitely will be ok, you just can't see it yet, get the help you need and stick to that 180 it's a good starting point.
I'm having IC. Actually, I and husband go to IC for years. I stopped seeing my therapist when my baby was born, because I wanted to take a break and wanted to restart later with another therapist, to work on family things, my relationship with my daughter and so on. Husband sees his therapist for kinda 10 years. His ups and downs happened during IC. This last attempt to walk away from our relationship, just some months after our baby is born, was supported by his therapist.

I'm seeing a new therapist for a couple of months. We're taking slow. I used some sessions to talk about my fear of flying, because I decided to travel with my baby and my phobia was at a level so high that I just didn't go anywhere by plane. One day in november I decided that in 2 weeks I would go to an amazing resort with my baby (I dont live in USA - it's summer time here now). IC made me do it. I know I'm far from not having any fear at all, but I could even enjoy the view through the clouds, that was something I once was sure I wouldn't see in my life.

Now I can go back to the separation issue on IC. I know it's a long road.

Concerning what went wrong in this relationship... I think I was too attached to him. He was my happiness. All I needed was to be embraced by him when I woke up and I would be happy all day long. It was like that. I'm not a friends person, I have just a few friends, from very very long time. And I never was with them. He in turn has a lot of friends, and we were always with them. Our relationship started when both of us were too young and with zero experience. Love, for me, was just this one relationship. So, when I try to remember all the things I liked to do before him... most of them don't make sense now, because I'm too old for them :p

About a new relationship... I think it will be much harder than I thought at first. When I was single before him, I was a kid... I have been out with my friends and everytime it's like I'm at the same point I was when I was 19. But the world has changed, single women at my age are just desperate to find mr. right (or mr. whatever... they're just desperate) and I can't compete with them. I have a baby, I dont sleep well, I dont have free time. I'm not interesting. Even though now I think I'm prettiest than I was 16 years ago.

Yesterday I went to a club and hated everything. I just hated the atmosphere of that place. I wanted to go kiss my baby and sleep in my bed, and never return there anymore. I'm just not this type of woman. When I got home, all I coud do was crying. I cried in a way I haven't for a long time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Updating my thread:

On the latest IC sessions, we talked about his family. They were my family too, I trusted them and I thought they would convince H to choose his family instead of OW. That didn't happened, so it was the first reason why I got sad about them. Maybe they should have tried harder? Maybe his mother shouldnt have supported him as a victim/depressed person? I dont know, the fact is that it seemed to me that they didn't try hard.

Second reason: they just stopped caring about me and the baby!!! They swear they were there for us all the time, I just had to let them know I needed them!!! OMG, OF COURSE I NEEDED THEM! I couldnt eat or sleep... how could I call them to ask for help? His mom sometimes called... SOMETIMES! His dad NEVER called, never showed up to see how we were. Me and baby spent entire weekends alone at home, doing NOTHING because I didnt have strengh. My mom was suffering too, so I tried to make her not to worry. And I was alone.

So, on Christmas I got VERY angry. It seemed that it was out of nowhere, but I just realized that i had lost my family too. I yelled at him and his sister. It was a mistake, I know, I was doing 180 so well... couldnt lose control like that. Now it seems that Im the wrong one.

Some days later then, husband would spend some days with his mistress through Europe. I knew they would go, but he didn't know I knew. I just discovered that his sister would go too! I couldnt believe!!! The sister who stayed on my side just after breakup... was going to travel with OW just 6 months later!
She emailed me saying how much she liked me (just after my loss of control) and 2 days later there she was, journaling about his trip on FB. OW blocked me on FB, but I knew they were having a good time together.

This made me cry a lot... maybe more than when H left.

So I want to know... I'm wrong to think that this is an outrage? Maybe the world has changed so much in the last 15 years that this is normal now...
But I think that this is something I would never do. They disrespected me and my baby.

H texted me during the trip... I didnt answer. He had the courage to say "how u doing? Everything ok here".

H is coming back from the trip tomorrow. Yesterday our baby just made her first steps by herself. It was so exciting... and he just wasnt here to see. Today I thought about it at work and cried. I'm really sad.
 
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