[greystreet]

I am not posting this so people can bash the so-called "walk away wives" (an expression which, because it's not hard enough, will make anyone hate themselves just that little bit more), so if that is your intention, please think before you speak.

Yes... I am walking away from a marriage to a great man who did nothing major wrong, and neither did I, but who was a mis-match for me from the start. It took me a while to see it and I fought it for 2 years but we were both so unhappy and were heading for more misery, so I started the conversation. After some initial pain and misery, my stbxh agreed that it would be for the best and we would remain friends, especially since we have to do an in-house separation for a few months for financial reasons. Things have been weird, uncomfortable and tense, but friendly.

My question is - do any other wives, or even husbands, who left their spouse have horrible days of sadness and grief mixed in with the days of relief and "happiness"? Even though we started it, even though it's for the best - for whatever reason - does anyone else have those days where just functioning is hard?

Also, for anyone who is living with an in-house separation, am I the only one who feels like I don't quite belong anywhere? Like, I am comfortable because it's my home, but uncomfortable because it's not quite the same home? I feel like I'm losing my mind and I guess just want to know that I'm not alone, that it does get better - particularly when both spouses are in agreement about the marriage ending (or at least appear to be)...

 

[spun]

And, all the colors mix together...
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[ReGroup]

Are you sure he agrees with you in parting ways?

 

[soca70]

Well greystreet my STBXW has a rental aprtment she works in during the day and then comes home at night for dinner/sleep in the guest bedroom as we have not told the kids yet (they are 5). She told me this week she feels very unsettled because she's not full-time there and our home is not hers anymore. Since I was blindsided by this, I don't have much sympathy but it sounds like she may be experiencing what you are.

 

[lostinspaces]

My stbxw and I lived together for a month and a half after I found out about her affair.

I can tell you having to look at the woman you loved for years knowing she no longer feels the same way about you is pure torture. I wouldn't even wish it on the posOM (close though).

I don't know your exact situation, but I know I would have never started to move on if I hadn't moved out.

 

[aggie37]

I can totally relate to your post, I was the one asked for the separation, though my husband reluctantly agreed. He moved out becuase it made more financial sense for him to leave than me, and yes, at first there was this great sense of relief, but I do feel guilty, and horrible at times. It is his house, which has never felt like a home to me. As you posted, things have been wierd, friendly and tense. I know he is hurting, and I know I am doing the right thing for myself. It's not easy.

 

[Pepper123]

I too was a WAW... and I am finding as I sit in this big empty house now (50/50 custody of my 6yo) that with the pending holidays, family memories, etc. there is a lot more pain then what was there before. When I start to miss my X, I have to remind myself how unhappy I had been (+ he went berzerk when I left). Even when you know that leaving is the right decision, for whatever reason... there is still a loss, grief, etc. that you have to mourn and deal with. So many people just don't understand that.

 

[spun]

I too was a WAW... and I am finding as I sit in this big empty house now (50/50 custody of my 6yo) that with the pending holidays, family memories, etc. there is a lot more pain then what was there before. When I start to miss my X, I have to remind myself how unhappy I had been (+ he went berzerk when I left). Even when you know that leaving is the right decision, for whatever reason... there is still a loss, grief, etc. that you have to mourn and deal with. So many people just don't understand that.

Imagine that, he had high emotions when you walked out...

Perfect way to validate yourself.

Because your unhappiness comes from outside of you after all.
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[lostinspaces]

How many of you WAW had an affair, emotional or otherwise, that led to the D/separation though? I'm guessing that those that were in the midst of an affair don't have the same strong feelings of remorse/sadness while the affair is still in force.

 

[Pepper123]

Imagine that, he had high emotions when you walked out...

Perfect way to validate yourself.

Because your unhappiness comes from outside of you after all.
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Actually he was abusive -- 2 counts including domestic violence and terrorist threats when he said he'd "put me in the dirt"

I was followed, holes punched in the walls, my bike frame broken and thrown in the front yard... should I continue?

So yeah... I feel validated in leaving.

 

[spun]

That sucks!

His behavior is inexcusable.

But, may I ask whatwas your role in "the dance?"
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[Pepper123]

That sucks!

His behavior is inexcusable.

But, may I ask whatwas your role in "the dance?"
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After hos convictions I stayed with him (was pregnant at the time, miscarried a week later), he did anger mgmt, we had a son... I wanted it to work for my son but the physical violence was traded for emotional / physical. We never recovered... I never could forgive him, he always accused me of cheating. Finally I'd had enough, went out one night and when the argument ensued when I got home, I said I was done. I was in no way the perfect wife, but I didn't deserve that either.
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[stuckmick]

There is no reason to stay in an abusive marriage. Period. Not knowing the whole story here, but spun hits it right on the mark with his initial post. Perfect way to validate yourself after destroying someone.
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[Clued]

Sorry if this is a dumb question but, how did he manage to get joint custody of a 6 yr old with domestic violence convictions?

 

[Pepper123]

In the state that I live in, DV is only considered in family court if it was in the past 5 yrs. Although a restraining order was offered to me when I had him legally removed from our home, I declined on the basis that I thought if separation could be achieved he would stop, and he did.

He was a horrible husband, but is a loving and caring father. He only stopped his craziness when he realized he could lose his son over it.

 

[wtf2012]

Greystreet,

I think the decision to divorce or end a major relationship is hard for everyone, even the person needing to be out. I remember from your post that you are acting in a very respectful manner towards your STBX, which is great and also the harder road. Even though this relationship did not meet your needs or could provide a path that you wished for your life, I am sure you have many happy memories, especially around the holidays. Of course it is hard, and you have ever right to mourn the end of your relationship with this man who clearly meant alot to you. Try to keep your conviction strong about your new life. Try to remember how exciting the potential that comes with a new life is, and remember that crashing and burning is a possibility no matter what you do.

I gave you earlier advice about how to proceed with rescpect to your STBX's perspective. So here is some more: Know that he looks at you and probably feels a mixture of sadness, hurt, grief, wistfulness, disappointment, and desire. It is a range of emotions that can swing. Polite detachment will help him. Strong boundaries will help him, even though they can be hard to enforce. By all means be his friend. Offer emotional support on a very limited basis. Allow your relationship to transition. Don't fall into similar historic roles. Try hard to change your half of the dynamic to less loving more polite. Basically try to limit intimacies, both physical and emotional to what you would show a good friend.

As for your support: be busy and engaged outside of the house as frequent as possible. Physical activity is key. Hobbies are great. Hanging with friends and family are also greatly benficial. Get wrapped up in planning the new life. Post here. Work on your emotional detachment. Remember this is temporary for only a few months (this is golden as it has helped me the most in getting through the last 6 months and is helping me be patient during the next 9 months).

Good luck and you are doing great.

 

[Clued]

I'm glad to hear he isn't a danger to his child.

 

[daisygirl 41]

Spun - stop projecting! I feel and underlying tone in your posts to Pepper!

Fwiw: my father was a terrible husband also. He was a drinker and was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother. She left (with me) when I was 13. My 18 year old sister stayed with him. We all lived pretty close by and I stayed with my dad whenever I wanted to. Yes he was a TERRIBLE husband, but he was a loving and devoted father who only ever showed me love and kindness.
My mum when through hell and leaving nearly finished her. After 18 years if marriage, she left without even a knife and fork. But she remarried and has been with my step dad for 25 years. So Pepper, you have every right to feel validated. There are happier times around the corner for you. Moving out was the bed thing my mother did, for all of us!
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[Pepper123]

Spun - stop projecting! I feel and underlying tone in your posts to Pepper!

Fwiw: my father was a terrible husband also. He was a drinker and was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother. She left (with me) when I was 13. My 18 year old sister stayed with him. We all lived pretty close by and I stayed with my dad whenever I wanted to. Yes he was a TERRIBLE husband, but he was a loving and devoted father who only ever showed me love and kindness.
My mum when through hell and leaving nearly finished her. After 18 years if marriage, she left without even a knife and fork. But she remarried and has been with my step dad for 25 years. So Pepper, you have every right to feel validated. There are happier times around the corner for you. Moving out was the bed thing my mother did, for all of us!
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Thanks, this means a lot. I think it is difficult for many spouses to understand that it is hard no matter what. I still mourn the loss of my family... It is hard!
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[Hermes]

Thanks, this means a lot. I think it is difficult for many spouses to understand that it is hard no matter what. I still mourn the loss of my family... It is hard!
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Pepper,

Did you attempt counseling with your husband?

Abuse is not acceptable, but I am curious if you both have tried to fix the underlying issues.