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Hello everyone,

I am 29 and my wife is 25. We have been together for 12 years (since high school) and have been married 3 years and have 3 young children. Like most relationships we have had many ups and downs throughout the years and have found ourselves arguing over the smallest things. I hold a full time job while she stays at home with the kids and works on the weekend. About 8 months ago I was transferred to a new location at work and noticed a coworker who immediately caught my eye. As with everyone, I introduced myself and gave her my background with the company. Even though she caught my eye, I never thought of her in any way other than just a coworker. Recently she approached me to tell me that I was in her dream the previous night. Both of our faces turned red and I replied by saying "was it a dream about me washing your car windows" (she knows that I enjoy washing my car) hints the window reply. She laughed and said it was not and was too embarrassed to give me the details. I didnt pursue it any further and went about my day. Later that evening we sent texts back and forward about work and the dream conversation came back up. She knows I am married and she is currently in the process of planning her wedding with her fiance but we continued to talk about the dream. She didnt give me any details but said that she would tell me about it some day.

Obviously this left me curious and I told her that no matter what the dream was about, I would still have her back. She replied back with the same. Anyways, at work we flirt with each other and joke around but dont think anything of it. Since she told me about her dream (which I can only assume it was a sex dream) I cannot stop thinking about her. I dont know all of a sudden someone who I can forget about easily, I cant now, get out of my head. I would like to sit and talk with her about our conversations and put an end to it but am afraid that it may make the work environment very different. Any suggestions?
 

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How about an honest "I realized our conversations are crossing boundaries married people shouldn't cross, so lets keep it strictly office friendly from now on."
But then he couldn't keep disrespecting his wife. That's no fun.
 

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So, she immediately caught your eye--you mention this after talking about ups and downs and arguing. She knows you are/were interested and loves playing with you. All things considered, she should keep her dreams, flirts, and texts to herself.

Who brought the dream back up when texting back and forth? STOP the texting back and forth by the way--would you be comfortable with your WIFE interacting with another man like you are with co-worker?

"Anyways, at work we flirt with each other and joke around but dont think anything of it. Since she told me about her dream (which I can only assume it was a sex dream) I cannot stop thinking about her. I dont know all of a sudden someone who I can forget about easily, I cant now, get out of my head."

You are on your way to an EA if not worse. Flirting back and forth --aaarrrggh! You think about it so much you can't get her out of your mind. Work sure would not be fun if you are working just for child support and alimony.

Married men--faithful married men--choose to extinguish dangerous thoughts about other women--they happen, you are human--not fan the flames.

I have an idea! Why don't you discuss this problem with your wife--who works hard taking care of your house and three young children? Bet she has some good ideas...
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you everyone for your input thus far.

My original post was incomplete.

A little more back story about my relationship with my wife.

In the early stages of our relationship, my wife cheated on me. Seeing that we were very young that time, I brushed it off seeing that it was never sexual between her and the guy she was seeing (to my knowledge). About 5 years go by and her father got into a serious accident in which she flew home to be there for her family. When she returned from her trip she informed me that she slept with two different men while she was away. She felt very bad and the pain within her from what had happened to her father, I couldn't break anything off. We worked through that difficult time and I never thought about "getting back at her" or anything of that nature.

A few years go by and things seemed to be looking up. We end up having three children and getting married. After getting married, things changed. She began using drugs and hanging out with her friends late into the night (when the kids weren't home).

I found out about the drugs when I purchased a car with a GPS tracker already installed from the previous owner. (The vehicle was a highly sought after car at the time). So while playing with the App for the GPS, I noticed my car far from where my wife said she said she was. I ended up calling her and asking where she was. She said she was in town running errands. When I told her about the GPS, she hung up on me and ignored my calls. When she finally came home, I asked where she had been. She confessed that she was with her cousin doing drugs and buying. At that time I was ready to walk out the door but in order for me to help her, I would need to stick it out

We spoke about stopping the drugs and alcohol and as of this day, she has been clean.

Throughout this entire relationship I have been faithful and supportive both financially and emotionally.

Recently we had a conversation in which she mentioned she wanted to divorce me because I dont show her much affection. I told her that I would switch up the routine in order to make things better.

Things have been "ok" but not the greatest. As mentioned before she have been together since high school. All we know is each other.

Now over a decade later, I run into this situation

Would you have left a long time ago?

Would you have stricken it out like I have?

Is your response from earlier the same now?
 

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My response is that trickle truth is unfortunate since time and effort are spent to try to help.

Since you think your wife is a drug abusing, cheater does that make a difference with regard to the affair you have been planning? Not to me..if you want a new honey divorce the wife then start looking. Same goes for her...
 

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She cheated three times, uses drugs, buys them on your dime.

And yes, most drug users have no defense left for advances. When a person is high, their moral and boundaries go low, fall away.

She is a serial cheat, she was still cheating while using. The body count in men is likely much higher than three, you not counted.

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Divorce her. Now is the best time since she has been 'clean' for some time.

She is clean, only if you are wearing heavy duty sunglasses.

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Why you left this Wayward Wife part out, is beyond me, beyond any rationale.
If what you wrote is actually true, then divorce.

Once you are 'clean' of her, meaning divorced, then think about forming a new relationship, not before.

Sadly, both of you need to grow up.

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So, it is on YOU that you took your GF/Wife back after her cheating multiple times.
It does NOT excuse you from this "flirting" with this woman.
IF you are that unhappy in your marriage that you want to do this, get divorced. Your wife has already brought it up, for all you know she could still be cheating.
Do NOT lower yourself to her level. There is no "getting even". YOU need to look at yourself in the mirror.

Also, this OW is engaged -- do you REALLY think it's worth pursuing and either a) having a short fling, allowing HER to cheat (like your wife did to you -- did you really LIKE that feeling?), or b)wrecking another family in addition to your own.

Stop this with the OW, and either WORK on your marriage, or work towards getting it dissolved.
 

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Would you have left a long time ago?

Would you have stricken it out like I have?

Is your response from earlier the same now?
Yes, my response is the same. None of your laundry list of problems makes any difference. You decided to stay married to her, you're still married to her, and until you aren't you shouldn't be having conversations of this nature with other women.

If you decide to divorce you're free to do as you please. Until then, nope.
 

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It doesnt matter what your wife has done, you dont get a green light to cheat on her the way you are. Yes, its cheating, whether you like to hear that or not. If you are not happy in your marriage, then get out. You dont get to excuse away your own affair. I dont know why in the hell you are still with her after all that crap, but you chose to stay, so that choice binds you to be faithful. Grow up and stop flirting with the engaged girl! If you arent happy then end your marriage, and find someone who is AVAILABLE.
 

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Would I have stayed through all the cheating? Nope. For me that would have been it. Everybody is different though and I’m amazed at people that are able to work through affairs because I sure wouldn’t do it. Then again, I’ve never loved someone enough.

As far as the flirting that’s a big no no in my book. Everybody has different perspectives on what cheating is and to me you’ve crossed a big line just flirting. Two wrongs don’t make a right is what mom used to always say. So just because she cheated doesn’t give you permission to do so.

Just stop talking to this girl in such a way. Keep it professional. Period. You shouldn’t even have to have a talk. She knows you’re married and should have never confronted you in the first place about a dream. She should have kept it to herself. I feel sorry for the guy she’s going to marry if she’s already over there flirting with a married man.
 

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I agree with the above mentioned comments that your wife's poor behavior doesn't entitle you to also behave badly. Your options, as a decent human being, are to divorce her or stay faithfully married.

On top of that, I'll add my usual admonition to stay away from crazy. A woman that is engaged who starts telling a married man that she dreamed about him is crazy. That should be obvious. Even if you were single, you would do yourself a favor by staying away from crazy people.
 

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25 and 29 seems pretty good to me. 17 and 13 sounds sick.
Being with an unfaithful person for 7 years makes you want to marry and have kids?
Three preschoolers at home seems to be classic time for wandering men.
I have no advice only a warning.
If you don't like drowning, stop what you are flirting Right now! you are headed towards a life of pain.
 

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Sex hormones are very powerful and will cloud your judgment. You are not yourself right now. The flirting you're doing with this woman is warping your thoughts and weakening your moral resolve. If it keeps going on, eventually you'll find a way to justify having an affair. It will go something like, texting to lunches to happy hours to hugs goodbye to kiss on the cheek goodbye to actual kissing to hotel rooms etc. Each step will seem so small that you can justify it to yourself, but each step also warps your thinking more and you'll want to take the next step.

This woman that you think is so great, is she really? She's planning her wedding and telling you, a married man, about sex dreams she's having about you. Does that sound like a fine, upstanding, morally sound woman? Or maybe she has a poor moral foundation and is trying to pull you down to her level.

It's clear your marriage has serious problems, but this woman at work is not the solution. Dump her and work at fixing your life at home.
 

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I don't think you are drowning in curiosity about the dream. You are drowning in curiosity about what it would be like to be with your coworker. And you are drowning in your poor decision making. You are in an unhappy marriage and are looking for something to cheer you up. You feel justified due to what you've put up with from your wife.

The problem is that you would be going from one bad situation into another. The woman you are interested in is not only not available, but she's not seriously committed to her fiance, just like you are not available, but your commitment to your wife is weak.

Is this really how you want to live? I doubt it, otherwise, you wouldn't be here. People have already given you good advice. I recommend you take it and move on with your life in a healthy way rather than trying to make yourself feel better by making further poor choices that will make you even more miserable in the long run. And your children... they matter in all this. Your choices impact them deeply.
 
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