[RandomDude]

And she knew it was coming, but we had a surprisingly mellow talk about it.
The bomb was: She owes me a favor, and now she has to come to counselling with me to fix our sex frequency/nymphomania issues

She still reckons it's a waste of time, attempting to inflate my ego (it's old, like come on!) and denies any sexual abuse (I told her that I believe her - tiny little white lie - and that it's not about her considering WE've always been fighting about this for years, so in the end it's for the both of us, not for sole benefit)

Ne ways... she agreed! But I knew it was a little too easy, something wasn't right; I don't often see her this particularly calm and cooperative during a potentially sensitive/flammable discussion (which we have fought over for years). This calm of hers... is usually the calm before a sh-tstorm. (and people wonder why I prefer her angry! she speaks her mind more!). We did not have sex.

This morning, no sex either. It's a bit of a break for me, but she's been noticeably distant even with her SMSs, I knew something was up and came back home to sort it out with her. She's not telling me what's wrong, but tells me that it isn't me. She's still coming to counselling, she's not saying anything about that, and knows it's for us. At the very least she's happy I came back home because I was worried about her - means something to her.

Thoughts?
I guess there's no promises counselling will help, might have to find the best possible one and who is experienced and specialised in hypersexuality, so this battle ain't over yet.
Do you think she's unhappy because she's now forced to confront her demons? Or do you think she's just unhappy we're not having sex for the time being? She's giving me the impression as if she doesn't feel wanted or desired. She's not outright saying it however, just showing it.

What now? =/

 

[RandomDude]

No replies? It's almost like silent treatment at the moment since I dropped the bomb. The way she's shrugging me off now, though of course "lovingly"... pfffffft! At least I'm more straight forward (too straight forward and I had to change... bah!)

How come she always takes it like a rejection?! It's rather annoying

 

[CanadianGuy]

No replies? It's almost like silent treatment at the moment since I dropped the bomb. The way she's shrugging me off now, though of course "lovingly"... pfffffft! At least I'm more straight forward (too straight forward and I had to change... bah!)

How come she always takes it like a rejection?! It's rather annoying

Seems she's a bit hurt. Have you asked her why she takes it like a rejection?

 

[RandomDude]

Nope... got a feeling she might get defensive if I ask that. I'm playing it cautiously now because she's in "smile but not happy" mood, she can be quite intimidating like this actually, and I also don't want to poke her too much.

Do you think I still should?

I need her to talk to me about this but she's completely shut down yet being as nice as she can about it. We did not have a fight last night, and she agreed to it. It wasn't completely grudgingly...

 

[CanadianGuy]

Nope... got a feeling she might get defensive if I ask that. I'm playing it cautiously now because she's in "smile but not happy" mood, she can be quite intimidating like this actually, and I also don't want to poke her too much.

Do you think I still should?

I need her to talk to me about this but she's completely shut down yet being as nice as she can about it. We did not have a fight last night, and she agreed to it. It wasn't completely grudgingly...

Yeah I think you should ask. There must be a good way to ask that question that would put her at ease to talk about it. ( ? )
I would leave that to you to come up with as you know her and I don't other than reading your posts about her. Perhaps others have suggestions ( ? )

 

[RandomDude]

Well, since getting the feeling that she may be hurt I thought I'll show a bit of TLC but she wasn't really responsive. She did take my arm and rest on it for a bit but that's as responsive she has been since last night. She's shrugging me off really.

Well I can say something like "I hope you're not taking it as rejection"... nah fk that, that's still accusatory. Hmmm...
"I hope you're not feeling rejected"... nah then she'll easily deny... or... "I'm horny *flop it out and dance*" Crack her up, then ask her what's wrong... nah now that's just stupid.

I don't know!!! =/

 

[RandomDude]

I haven't dealt with this kind of silent treatment from her sober before... I think I need a few beers

 

[CanadianGuy]

You sound confused about her reaction. Say so.

In other words. I'm a bit confused, I'm feeling like your taking this as a rejection from me. Are you?

Or something along those lines.

 

[waiwera]

Hang in there RD...maybe she is digesting.

It looks like your are going to make her take ownership of the abuse she gave you and her over the top expectations of you sexwise.

It probably scares her.

Keep telling her you love her. Give her hugs and caresses. Stay connected and loving.

Give this time to sink in... silence means it's still sinking in IMO

 

[RandomDude]

OK... well, she doesn't want to talk about it. Says it's something she's going through and she just wants her space, says she's not mad at me or anything and doesn't want me to think that at least.

Now I'm VERY curious but I guess I have to respect that - I'm asking her for space so I have to give her this as well. Looks like I've successfully got myself out of the sex crosshair for a while, but now I'm horny, sh-t! It always happens!

I have a feeling right now -> she is simply lost and doesn't know what to think. You reckon it's possible?
I'm just trying to understand her

EDIT...

Hang in there RD...maybe she is digesting.

It looks like your are going to make her take ownership of the abuse she gave you and her over the top expectations of you sexwise.

It probably scares her.

Keep telling her you love her. Give her hugs and caresses. Stay connected and loving.

Give this time to sink in... silence means it's still sinking in IMO

Hmmm, guess so...

Alright, I'll try to be as loving as possible while giving her space. Think I'll cook dinner and serve it tonight, and maybe go for a drive and get her something. Maybe a handcuff, NOOO bad idea! I will one day though when she re-earns my trust on THAT department.

BTW -> So she's not putting a bomb together in return is she? =/

 

[CanadianGuy]

Hope you're getting ready to play Dodge the Bullet 'cause you're the next contest. She not mad...they always say that when they're mad. Needs space......locking and loading.

There is no try, only do.

 

[RandomDude]

:rofl:

You know it mate lol

 

[Lyris]

Maybe she's feeling sad and wishes things were different. Wishes she were different, or that you were. Or maybe just your situation.

I think you should let her feel sad. Be as nice as you can, as nice as she'll let you be and wait it out. Hunker down a bit and trust things will get better.

 

[waiwera]

Just keep being loving and caring... horny is ok.
She 'might' even like it if your the one initiating for a change.
All of this must feel like a rejection for her on some level....

Even if you just hold and caress and be loving towards each other. Sex isn't necessary... might be good for her to feel love and tenderness without the sex really. Know that you love and want her with or without the crazy sex.

Goodluck.

Your a mad pair but I don't doubt your love for each other for one moment.

 

[tobio]

Honestly?

I have always thought that she has perpetuated the incredibly-frequent-sex because she is insecure from you being unfaithful before you married.

I think your flirty indulgent ways with other women (in fun, as you always say) have instilled in her that the only way she has to keep your eyes and attention completely on her and to know you desire her is to keep this constant connection to you via 3x a day sex.

I think the massive mistake you are making here is considering that it is just HER problem. You have completely contributed to this and helped reinforce her feelings.

JMO.

 

[RandomDude]

Yes I thought that too, I also stopped the flirts completely, overcame my own fear of vulnerability, spent more time with her, initiated more often, I've done ALOT since sobering up. I wanted to help her heal last few months.

There's no change, not even a hint. In fact, the problem just got worse, she regained her confidence to complain, and the cycle continued with her complaints in regards to our frequency (which she considers 'turning her down'), and when I'm not in the mood.

Sure it's not so bad compared to the past as she puts in more effort now to actually bother turning me on at all but it's also ammunition for her to use during her complaints when I turn her down or "leave her hanging" simply because I like to flirt and tease her all day as how I show my affection but not necessarily want to have sex (and I've told her that - so she doesn't end up expecting no more).

Or when I'm just not fking her the way she wants it. Of course not, I'm not always in the mood, I'm doing it FOR her, what the hell does she expect?

Unfortunately, it's not as simple as just insecurity =/
She's always been vague about her past as well, even though she told me quite a bit, this is something I respect what she tells me and don't ask anymore than what she's comfortable to share, to her it's a closed chapter but it's obvious that it still has its grip on her.

EDIT: Missed something

 

[sinnister]

I agree with Tobio.

And further to that earlier this year I read a thread where you were rather insistent that she change her look.

The hypersexuality points towards her insecurity that you don't find her attractive - pretty strongly in my opinion.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

It's ok honey, sure we can go to counseling. Anything you'd like. Now, why don't you just go to sleep..... <evil grin>

 

[Jeapordy]

Maybe she is afraid that counseling will force her to talk about her past. Her past probably has a lot to do with her present attitude about sex.
Maybe the frequent sex is not about sex, but it is trying to fill a hole or a void created by something in her past. It sounds like she can only believe you love her if you give her constant acknowledgement in the form of sex (instead of compliments).
Now that you want to go to counseling for too much sex, she interprets this as you don't want to acknowledge your love for her anymore, or as much.

 

[COGypsy]

If she goes to counseling, she might have to talk about where this hypersexuality of hers comes from.

If she says that out loud, you might not love her anymore. Not that you really would, of course, but that's how it can feel.

In my armchair shrink opinion: your wife's sexuality borders on the pathological. The fact that it seems to be the ONLY way that she feels okay about herself makes me think that if she doesn't get that "fix", then she starts to feel sad, depressed....kind of like coming down from a drug. Couple that with seeing it as a validation of your love for her and she can't help but demand it. If she weren't self-medicating or compensating for something with her sexual behavior, then she would NEVER have been a pro. That's typically a profession of last resort, not a career aspiration.

The risk of vulnerability is probably overwhelming for her right now....